Maybe
Chapter 7
She was surprised by his call. Completely unexpected, but still she was ridiculously happy that he had called.
This was one of her strengths and she loved it. This was something she had missed, and he was giving her the chance to experience it again. She grabbed his offer metaphorically with both hands.
She didn't delay, and it was a short drive to the meeting point and so when she arrived she wasn't surprised to find him still in the full panic mode she'd heard from him during the call.
The cool calm but stern Captain she had once known was nowhere to be seen. Before her stood someone she never thought she'd see. The delight she had felt briefly turned into sadness and she realised once again how much had changed. How something so small could change him from the man she had remembered, but it didn't stop her. Instead she just appreciated that in such cases as Charles', not all change was necessarily a bad thing.
"Molly. Thank God." He stepped over to her. His hair was wild through being worried with, his body showed signs of his anxiety and a fine film of sweat was evident across his hair line. "Thank you."
She giggled and placed her hands gently on his arms. Moved her head to gain eye contact with him.
"Charles." She offered firmly. "It's ok! We can do this." She reassured him.
"Can we? You sure?" He half smiled back and held onto her reassuring arms. Then smiled fully with relief. It had just been a moment. Now calm, because of her he dipped his head to kiss her cheek in a familiar greeting. "Hell I've faced proper bloody enemies and never felt this unprepared before." He mocked.
At this and the look of hopelessness on his face she burst out laughing. She knew the danger was passed though. That she had helped him cope with this small crisis. Just like she said she would. Just like he had agreed she could.
"Come on Charles is a 15 year olds birthday party." She teased. "It will be fine."
He blew out hard and moved to lead them forwards. One hand place protectively in the small of her back. It felt warm and safe for both of them. His head dipped low so he was close to her ear.
"Hope so." He admitted. "Going to kill Rebeca for this. Fairly convinced she's done it on purpose though."
Molly wisely said nothing, it wasn't her place. She just grinned at him and rolled her eyes as she watched him finally switch into the familiar control mode and deal with Sam's birthday party guests.
He'd called her that morning in total panic. Sam had a Flow Riding party booked with eight of his friends to celebrate his birthday, and Rebecca, who had meant to be one of the two responsible adults present, called him saying she had a migraine and that he was on his own.
It had set Charles into a dilemma. Without another grown up the party would be cancelled. Then Sam came up with the idea of calling Molly. The perfect solution. The perfect helper. He agreed, happy to see her again. Any excuse for both the James' men to see her again.
Over the past months her and Charles had met many times. Briefly at first but as time went by they started to spend longer in each other's company. It was relaxed, it was friendly, and that was all. That was just what they wanted, but today, him calling was a step change to their relationship. He had needed her. They both saw that and neither minded. Molly happy that Charles had needed help and he had called her. Charles happy that when he'd asked for help she was still willing to be there for him still.
Sam too was delighted with what had happened. Molly had always been the fun one, had always been the one he was proud to introduce to his friends. So his day too worked out perfectly. And so when he saw her he ran excitedly up to her, but refrained from the usual hug. Too cool in front of his friends, but so pleased to see how close her and his Dad were again.
As expected the day went off as planned. Lots of noise, excitement and fun as promised to Sam. And by the time the evening came it found two very tired but happy adults sitting in Molly's flat drinking a celebratory beer alone.
As agreed Molly had helped out with the day, and even offered lifts home for a few of Sam's friend. Now all their duties were done they had rendezvoused back at Molly's. A take away pizza and a cool bottle of beer their reward.
"Can't thank you enough." He mumbled out through a mouthful. Looking up at her as be bent over his plate.
"No problem." She winked in a friendly gesture. "I did it for Sam really. He's a great kid."
Charles just mumbled his half agreement, and she smirked at his thinly hidden pride of his son. She then stood and offered him another beer.
He wiped his mouth and looked sadly at her. He was tempted.
"Can't." He pointed to the bottle. "Got a long drive back." He said sadly, but said no more.
She didn't press him. She didn't offer again. Instead she just enjoyed his company while she still had it. Knowing that their lives were still very separate. Lines were still very much drawn in the sand and neither were willing to change that. For now.
So once the meal was over, she stood with him in the doorway of her flat, and watched him drive away.
"You know?" Kate her flat mate said as she came out of her bedroom. She had hidden away while Molly was entertaining Charles. "I once read that the reason for someone's sadness was because they themselves were prolonging it."
"What you on about?" Molly stared at her while clearing up. Kate was a down to earth simple talking girl and it threw her when she came out with something so profound.
"What I'm saying Molly is that maybe the reason you're sad is because it your choices that are now making you sad." Kate explained. "It's no one else's fault."
"I'm not sad." Molly tried to joke. "I'm fine."
Kate hitched herself up on the kitchen counter. "I reckon you are. Sad." She tipped her head to examine Molly more closely. "Maybe not as sad as you were, but still a little sad."
"Whatever." Molly made to leave. She hated her personal life being the topic of anyone's conversation and she hated showing her feelings. Especially feelings she really had thought she was hiding so well.
In her room she sat and in her hands she held a crumpled envelope and small Tupperware box. In the envelope was his letter. In the box was a half-eaten double chocolate chip cookie, a salted caramel muffin and another very soggy cookie that was beyond all hope.
Yet Molly had kept them all. Had not just kept them all, but had kept them and found herself looking at them more wistfully as each day went by. Unable to part from the memories each piece held.
She had been sad. She no longer was. Or at least she was no longer as sad as she used to be, and that, when she allowed herself to think about it, she knew was because of Charles.
Having him back in her life was confusing, scary, but most of all having him back in her life was something she really was happy about. He strayed into her thoughts. He strayed into her memories and the decisions she made. He strayed back into her heart all over again.
They were taking it slow however. Re-establishing their friendship. Learning about the past. What it had done to them and how if anything it would influence their future. But that was all, it was the sensible thing to do.
Neither had made a move. Neither has broached the question of where did they go from here. Instead both too scared they hid their heads in the sand and pushed on with a limbo state of friendship.
Each and every time Molly had seen Charles. Each and every time they had messaged or spoke she found she missed him more. Missed his closeness, missed sharing something deeper with him, but was fearful of going further.
She was scared and unwilling to change their relationship, knowing it was all down to her. Charles, not confident enough in the power of forgiveness, would never push her, or have the confidence to do anything of the sort. She saw that. And so that's the way things maybe would have continued had Kate not spoken out and got Molly thinking.
Really thinking.
Her words made Molly consider that maybe it was up to her to be brave and to try again.
She knew he loved her.
She knew he was so sorry.
She knew he had been struggling when they broke before.
She knew she had forgiven him.
And she also knew that she still loved him.
Love him just as she had done all those years ago, and without him she would probably never be truly happy again.
And so the following weekend she did the only thing she could, she moved on with her life.
When she arrived she heard the lawn mower in the back garden. She had known he'd be home. Had known that there was no need to call. He socialised very little now a days, but that didn't bother her, because neither did she.
As she turned into the garden he failed to notice her, too engrossed in his task, and she had a chance to take him in.
He was still strong. Still tall and still physically the man she had fallen in love with. But there was more of a softer, more vulnerable side to him now that hadn't been there before and she found she liked this too.
Allowing the garden gate to bang loudly he turned and jumped.
"Shitting hell Molly." He shouted out and she regretted the surprise instantly. His face showed fear, and that pained her.
"Sorry sorry sorry." She gushed out as she moved quickly over to him. Her hand touching his shoulder. "Didn't mean to scare you."
He controlled his breathing. Marshalled his thoughts and within moments was able to offer her a smile.
"It's ok." He then smiled genuinely. "Everything ok? What you doing here?"
"Everything's fine." She reassured him. "Just though with it being a nice hot sunny day and that, and what you having a garden and me not having one, I'd come and sunbath in yours." She held a large beach bag up stuffed with suntan lotion and trashy mags to prove her point.
His eye twinkled with happiness.
"Right so you've driven for two whole hours just to come and lie down on my bit of grass did you?"
She burst out laughing.
"Careful mate that almost sounded like a euphemism."
He shook his head, feeling so happy and then he did something he hadn't planned or ever expected to do again. He pulled her in for a hug.
"God it's so good to see you Dawes." He hummed into her hair.
He felt her body stiffen as he did so. It was the closest they had been for ever such a long time. Their bodies press together and touching each other. She was surprised as him, but then he felt her relax and he even felt her arms snake around his waist to hold onto him too.
"Yeah." Was all she could offer back. Trying to hold on to her emotions. She couldn't find any words.
The touch of him, the sensation of him hit her hard. She felt at home. The smell of him. Hot and slightly sweaty taking her back to their beginning in the FOB. The touch of his hard plains reminded her of all the times that they had been as one, but it was the sound of his heart beat that surprised her the most. The sound of him beating across her face and into her ear felt more intimate than words could describe. Here she was listening to his heart, the heart that once had been hers and the hope that maybe it would be hers again.
He quietly watched her with a smile on his face. She was talking away about some event that had happened in her life without him. Telling the tale with typical Molly style gusto and flourish. He could tell that she was happy. That she had been happy at times without him and that made him feel slightly at peace.
He drank his beer as he lazed back in the sun chair and watched her wave the BBQ tongs around as she talked, and turning the burgers when necessary. The evening sun was still warm and they both wore their shorts and t shirts still. And as he watched he admired, from behind the cover of his sun glasses, more than her burger flipping technique.
The day had been utterly perfect. From the moment she had arrived they had been comfortable with each other. They'd spent the day, once he'd tidied away the lawn mower, sunbathing, relaxing, laughing, talking. Enjoying each other 's company.
As usual in their meet ups sometimes they talked of their past. The dark times Molly called them. She had right from day one insisted they needed to talk about them. That their bad past was just as important as their good past. Charles initially had been scared about them being so open, but soon felt at peace as he realised that mostly when together they talked of the times when they had been happier. They slowly started to reconnect.
It had been nearly six months since she had walked into his kitchen that fateful Sunday night and suggested friendship, and in those six months he truly felt as though that's what they had achieved. He still loved her, told her in a general roundabout way a lot, but never declared his love for her. Never in a romantic full confession type way, and sometimes he wondered if he ever would. If he'd ever be brave enough.
"I'll have to be going after this." She said as she presented him with an enormous Molly styled burger. Her forte. Always had been. "Long drive back."
"I guess so." Charles took a bite and looked at her appreciatively. "Today's be fun. Thank you." He added. knowing if she hadn't been there he would once again have been alone.
"Yeah it has hasn't it?" She yawned. One beer, one hot sunny day of sun bathing and a full tummy were starting to take effect. "Think I'm gonna have to do something serious to keep me self-awake on the way home." She said simply.
He looked at her and swallowed his pride.
"You could stay over?" Then seeing the shock on her face. "In the spare room of course."
"Of course." She slowly repeated and held his gaze.
"Well makes sense." Charles said. "You could have another beer, and I could bore you with more stories of my new section." He tried to keep it light. Flippant almost.
"I don't know." She shook her head. "I mean..." Then she stopped. "What would it mean Charles?"
He put his bottle and plate down and moved in the chair next to her. He reached out and his fingers gentle touched her forearm. Softly so not to scare her.
"It would mean whatever we want it to mean." He smiled softly up at her as her big green eyes looked back at his. "I mean. I don't want you to go." He admitted.
"Ain't got any stuff." She said quietly and gave a half-hearted smile. "Need a toothbrush at least."
"I can do that." He said equally softly and looked hopeful. "Got a spare."
She considered him. She considered his offer. It was another step, and it was one she felt brave enough to take.
"Ok." She said quietly. So quietly that he almost missed it. "I'll stay."
He smiled and reached into the ice box for another cool beer for her. Flipping the cap off he grinned as she took it from him.
"Good." He simply said leaning back on his chair. "That's very good."
Of course she knew she wouldn't sleep. She hadn't expected to. A strange bed. A mind that wouldn't turn off. A whole day spent with Charles to mull over. Plus the night was hot. His spare room was stuffy and unaired, and she had spent all night on tender hooks waiting, maybe even hoping for him to knock on her bedroom door to ask her if he could come in.
Although she had half expected that, she knew that Charles was too much of a gentleman to do that, but she still half expected it and half wondered what she would have done if he had.
That night. The night she agreed to stay over, was the first night they would be under the same roof together for nearly four years, and it was full of awkward and delicate moments.
When the time came, when they could avoid it no more they made their way inside. He had shown her first the bathroom. Provided her with one of his old t shirts to sleep in, and presented the toothbrush he'd promised.
That was all. Then he had shown her the spare room. Her room. The room she'd be sleeping in that night. Alone.
He made no advances. He made no moves. He had just simply waited until she had finished in the bathroom, waiting outside in his sleep shirt and top and said goodnight. Leaning down to peck her on the cheek, a simple and chaste good night.
It had happened several times before. More frequently of late. A kiss on the cheek, but somehow being so close to him. Both half undressed, and in the semi darkness it felt more intimate than all the ones before. She wondered if it was the start.
Then she saw his legs as his sleep shorts rose up slightly. Saw the scars she knew and remembered from their one and only tour together where he was shot, but she also saw the scars she had never seen before. The scars from the boar trap, the scars from the injury that nearly cost him his life. A life that Georgie had desperately battled to save. Scars from the injury that he fought so hard to return from. To get strong again so he could re-join Georgie and his section. Scars that she had never really seen because by that stage in their marriage he had pushed her out of his life and just kept on pushing.
Seeing them brought it all back. It felt like cold water had washed over all the nice warm happy feelings they had shared that day. She knew he saw it too. Saw how her eyes were drawn to his scars and knew that her face betrayed her horror in seeing them. So Charles did what he had to do to protect himself. He stiffly wished her good night and silently went into his room.
So yes she knew that he wasn't going to come knocking on her door that night. Her face and emotions she had shown stopped any ideas of that. And now it was morning and she felt awkward and scared to go down the stairs to see him. Feeling disappointed.
Yet she did, she had no other choice.
"Morning." She said quietly as she found him sitting in the garden drinking a coffee. Unsure how he'd greet her. Feeling an inappropriate degree of shame for last night.
He turned and she saw he was just as nervous as her. His casual clothes; jogging pants and a t shit, not disguising his feelings.
"Sleep well?" He asked politely.
"Yeah. Great." She lied and felt very self-conscious standing there in his oversized shirt, make up free face and wild hair.
She noticed a big tatty box on the garden table.
"What's that." She asked. Walking closer.
He coloured instantly and stood.
"It's..." He began. "Well it's some of your stuff. That you left behind. Before. When we...When you left."
"What?" Her head snapped up to look at him. Confused. "You kept this? All this time?"
He nodded.
"Thought there might be some stuff in there you could use."
She knew that when she left all those years ago she had taken nearly everything she owned, but as the months went by she realised there were things that she hadn't taken. That she had accidentally left behind.
A good bra and knicker set she'd forgotten that was still in the washer. A coat and a skirt from the spare bedroom cupboard she hadn't searched. A dress still at the dry cleaners. Her training gear that she had kept in their locker at the gym. The list went on. Stuff that had been hers, but stuff she felt she could live without, had lived without, once she'd left. The thought of going back to him, the pain seeing him again after what he had done was too much to consider. So she sacrificed these left behind belongings, and over the years gave them little or no thought.
And so now here he was presenting them too her again nearly four years later.
He knew they were symbolic. He knew that they held emotions and memories. He chose therefore to leave her to look through the box alone.
"I'm heading up for my shower." He said and she could hear the fear in his voice. "Leave you alone to un pack and have a look through." And then he was gone.
She opened the box with unbridled curiosity. Memories came flooding back. Tears flowed and every now and then as she discover another forgotten item she occasionally laughed. Photographs, a hair brush, birthday cards, hand creams, bed socks, shampoo. Lots of little miscellaneous things that tied her and her life to Charles. That were testament to their past and their love.
She searched through the box. Each and every item was wrapped in tissue paper and stored carefully. The clothes ironed and carefully folded and stored. That had been his doing. Not angrily thrown in, but cared for and preserved. The signs of someone who cared. The sign that they were done by someone who still loved her. For no man in love with another woman and wanting to move on would have treated her things as though they were so precious. He'd taken care of them. Looked after them for her. Kept them for her, in the belief one day, maybe she'd come back for them.
Charles discovered her there exactly where he had left her half an hour or so later. Freshly showered he'd taken his time to come back down stairs, unwilling to interrupt her musing.
But now he did and he took it all in. Her memorabilia laid out in front of a tear streaked face of Molly.
He was hesitant in his approach. Aware of the tears, but saw no anger, no sadness. Hoped what he saw were tears of happiness.
"You ok?" He delicately asked.
She smiled at him and hiccupped causing him to smile back. She liked that. For too long he hadn't smiled and that had hurt her, but lately in her company he seem to do it more and more.
Going through the box. Going through the items that each had memories attached to them she remembered it all. She remembered the love, the risks, the chances they both had taken on each other.
The connection they once had had. A connection that had become broken, damaged, but not because of what he did, but because of what happened. He'd suffered, he'd tried, but ultimately the illness, the mental strain of it all was too much. Too much for him. Too much for them. And so it separated them, but had obviously not broken them entirely.
She saw that because now more than anything she saw what she needed to say. To do.
"Yes. Thanks for keeping this." She closed the box up. "Thanks. Means a lot." She smiled.
He nodded feeling potential impending doom. He tried to regain some normality. Unsure as to why.
"Plenty of hot water if you fancy a shower." He was the perfect host. "I'll pop out to the bakery as grab some pastries. That ok?"
"Perfect." She smiled and moved away into his house.
Then she stopped and turned. Not surprised to find him still watching her.
"You know...?" She said not waiting for his reply. "...someone, someone very wise and clever once told me that I should be proud of the person I had become."
He smiled at the memory her words held.
"You should be too Charles. Proud of who you have become. Of what you've overcome and who you are, here and now, despite it all...cause I am." She shrugged. "Very proud of you."
"Thank you." Was all he replied.
"I've been thinking." She said. Startling him out of his thoughts as she waked off.
He raised his eyes and offered as expected.
"Sounds dangerous Dawes."
She let out a giggle. His reply made her braver.
"Well breakfast sound good and that but I was wondering..."
He cocked his head questioningly, willing for her to go on.
"Well I've got to get back and that. Things and stuff to do." She steeled herself. "Well I was wondering if you were free next weekend?"
"Next weekend? Think so." He asked. "Why?"
"Well are you?" She pressed on.
"Probably. Definitely. Not exactly got a full diary these days." Charles remarked and stared at her.
"Good." She smiled. "Cause I was wondering. We're getting on and that; and so I was hoping you'd like to go out for dinner next weekend."
He jumped in.
"I'd love to." He said. "Sounds nice." Any time with Molly was good time spent. Then he turned away expecting the conversation to be over.
"No wait." She rushed on. "I meant like with me. As in..." Her heart started to beat wildly. "That is as in with me...as in on a date?"
"A date?" He repeated. Hardly believing his ears.
"Yes a date Charles. A proper dated and that." She stood closer to him expectantly. "With me. You and me. On a date. Dinner, wine, conversation, and maybe if we're both lucky... a goodnight kiss?"
"Oh?" He was flabbergasted at her offer. "Well yes sounds good." Then realising his words weren't exactly conveying his happiness, he continued. "Yes. Yes I'd bloody love that. Thank you."
"Good." She smiled back at him and turned to walk away. "So would I... bloody love it that is." Appearing cool and calm she move towards his back door.
"Why?" He suddenly asked before she disappeared inside. "Why Molly? Why now? You know I still love you. I've always loved you. So why?"
She shook her head and grinned back at him. Happy to explain.
"I know you love me. You keeping this box... that shows me more than anything that you always have."
"What?" He asked.
"The box. You never threw me away. You never threw us away. All this time Charles you held onto it. Cared for it. And waited."
"I did because I love you Molly" He then took a huge breath. "So why now?" He asked.
She took a deep breath. "Cause I..." She just couldn't say it. She did love him but it was maybe too soon. So instead she said the next best thing. "Cause I find I'm still very fond of you... Sir." She cheekily added.
With that she entered his home. She just once turned her head to look over her shoulder and found him paralysed. Just standing there, but as she turned, as she saw him, she knew.
The smile, that happiness on his face. The joy he obviously was feeling was a vision that she was certain absolutely certain that maybe just maybe she'd never forget for the rest of their lives together.