So this is the final Chapter. Hope you enjoy. x
Maybe
Chapter 8
She lay stretched out in the late summer sunshine. He knew instantly she was in a deep sleep. Her bag dumped down by the side of her and her body, still dressed in her work fatigues, fully rested on his sun lounger.
He took a moment to drink the site in. He was exhausted, and disappointed too that he hadn't be there to meet her, but his overnight training session had thrown up an unexpected complication so he was running late. They had both known though that it was always going to be a possibility, that she'd arrive first. So instead of the grand reunion that they both hoped for, he simply quietly returned home to find her literally on his door step waiting for him... but asleep. It was more than perfect.
He crouched down by her side. Squatting on his heels, ignoring the dull throb his battle injured legs gave.
He gentle wiped his knuckle over her cheek and instantly he knew she had awakened.
"Molly." He said softly.
A contented smile spread across her face. Still though her eyes did not open, instead he heard her hum with happiness.
"Hello you." He leaned down to kissed her check. "Missed you."
"Missed you to." She smiled at him but still kept her eyes closed and the smile on her face. "Like you wouldn't believe." He heard her breathing him in.
He chuckled and stroked her hair as though she was a delicate little doll. Knowing all too well she was anything but.
"Do you fancy coming inside Molly?" He asked with a laugh to his voice. "Or are you going to stay out here all night."
"Too comfortable." She purred and pulled his hand in closer to her and trapped it against her heart. "Stay and snuggle. Please."
The evening was warm, and she'd position the lounger to gain the maximum benefit of the last sunny spot in his garden. He therefore was powerless and complied to her request. He lay down and moulded his body into hers sharing the tight space on the sun lounger. He hugged onto her tightly and she pressed back against him. Both exhausted by the past weeks activities they drifted off as the sun started to set.
He woke not too long later, chilled now the sun had dipped behind the houses, and Molly was missing from his arms. He was disoriented for a moment. Briefly questioning why he had been asleep in his dirty uniform on his sun lounger. Then he sat up and seeing the lights on in his house remembered and went to seek her out.
Five months. It had been four amazing months since their first date. Five months in which they saw each other every weekend, and once more during the week if they could manage it. Five months where all the old feelings they once had had for each other came strongly flooding back.
They were together and they were closer than before. Charles felt it. He knew Molly felt it too.
She had continued in being the brave one at the beginning of them. He was too frightened to move to fast. To scared he could lose it all. She had reasoned this time it was therefore down to her; so she had asked him out on a date, and once he'd said yes, she had arranged it all.
A meal out in the countryside, on neutral ground. Away from prying eyes and any associated memories. It had seemed perfect.
They both approached the date with nerves, but on reflection they need not have worried.
The date had been very much like their first. Flirty, honest and electric. Charles had confessed once again that he loved her, and this time he found that she didn't question it. As the evening came to a close, and they strolled around the hotel's grounds, he began to regret its end. That he hadn't planned ahead. That each would go their own way, to their own homes. That they would each be alone again.
They kissed. Their first proper kiss in so long. Hesitant, soft and emotional. The smiles on both their faces as they briefly pulled apart showed how they had enjoyed their silent goodbye, and the new start of them. The intensity of their next kiss had astonished them both, but made them want more. Nothing it seemed had been lost by the separation of the years, the yearning and chemistry still existed, the desire never went missing.
Eventually they pulled away from one another, and Charles had been unsure where to go from here. But once again Molly proved she was the brave one.
She held his hand in hers and coyly informed him of the room she'd booked at the hotel where they had just dinned. A room for them, if he wanted to, she had asked earnestly. She knew in her heart it wasn't too fast, it was a hurdle that they both needed to, and wanted to, overcome. It was the final step into making them once again a couple.
He had no hesitation. He wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anything before. His love for her was once again all consuming. Still when they both entered the room it was obvious that they were both nervous.
They delicately manoeuvred around one another. Not knowing where to start. How to begin. Charles saw the uncertainty in her eyes, and now he became the brave one. He started to take control, and this thrilled her more than she could have expected. Molly saw he was confident in her and her forgiveness of him, as well as the forgiveness he now had for himself. And so that night they delicately and tenderly move their relationship through and onto the ultimate level of intimacy.
"Was gonna come and wake you." She said as she caught him waking in through his kitchen door. "I've ran a bath. Thought we could both do with it?"
"Sounds perfect." He said as he moved closer and pulled her in for a tight hug. "Shall I open some wine?"
She pulled away and started to walk out the door shouting over her shoulder.
"Is the Pope Catholic?" And smiled to herself as she heard him follow her with the clinking of glasses.
Despite what he said out loud she knew he didn't mean it. Molly knew Charles secretly loved a bath, especially one with her. He always had. Though in their past life together they had done it very infrequently.
Yet now it was their Friday night ritual. They didn't need to go out to have fun. They had each other for that!
They spent every weekend together where possible. The ones when she didn't work she spent at his. More space more privacy. And so after the long drive to his straight from her work, she always arrived stiff, grubby, and ready for a bath.
At first he used to sit on the toilet seat and watch her wallow, talk to her about her day, but soon realised that it was not what he wanted and very quickly, but shyly joined her.
The wine they shared always a bonus, but it was the closeness of their bodies relaxing in hot bubbles that brought on the true bliss of the situation.
Molly was happy. She had forgiven herself, and had chosen to love him again and accept the past for what it was. Any doubts or concerns she had about what had happened to them and why were firmly laid to rest. She wanted a future with this man. Always had and just knew she always would.
His fingers played with the fine wet strands of her hair that were sticking to her neck. Her back pressed against his chest and her head flopped back and rolling onto his shoulders. It was heaven.
"I saw it you know?" She said gently and knew he understood what she meant. His fingers had stopped moving and his body went tense.
"When were you gonna tell me?" She asked gently still.
She knew she had to be careful. She knew it could go either way.
"Honestly." He began. "I don't know, but know I would have." He said resting his head backwards fearful of what could happen next.
"So when is it?" She asked swirling the water round the bath with her fingers. A total distraction.
"Next Saturday." Was all he answered.
The conversation stopped and both contemplated. Charles because he was scared, Molly because she knew he was.
The issue was simple. While she had been hunting out clean towels she had gone into the spare bedroom and instantly saw it.
His N.O 1 Regimental uniform hanging outside the wardrobe. Pressed, polished and very much ready to go. She knew he had a regimental function coming up and seeing the uniform all prepared she knew it was very soon.
Molly considered it all and appreciated these days he only attended such things when he absolutely had to. She knew he found them difficult, reminded him of older happier times, but still he went. She knew too that nearly all of his colleagues would be taking their significant others, and she knew Charles had not asked her.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"So do I need to buy a dress or not?" She asked bravely, and once again appreciated she had shocked him.
"You'll come?" He almost shouted at her and leaned forward forcing her to half turn around to look at him.
"Shit. Only if you want me to." She panicked. Molly had presumed he hadn't asked her because he was scared she'd say no, but his outburst made her now, for the first time, consider was it because he simply didn't want her there.
"Of course I bloody do." He attempted to hug her wet slippery body, but failed. Instead he cupped her face so she looked at him. "Of course I do Molly." He said softly. "I just didn't know..."
"How to ask?" She finished for him. "It won't be that bad will it? Been to load of these before with ya haven't I? Know how to behave now a days too."
"Yes. But this one's different." He sadly shook his head.
"How?" A drip of fear trickled down her back. "In what way?"
"Well. They'll be folks there that know. Know about us. What I did. Georgie and that." He closed his eyes. "Didn't want to put you through it."
She dipped her head in thought. Her days of speaking before engaging her brain were well behind her.
"Is it important? That you go?" She held his wrinkled hands in her, and managed a small laugh. Amused they were having such a serious conversation in the bath. "Is it?"
"Yes. Kind of. I need to show my face. Smooze a few of the old pips. Let them know I'm ready for promotion and that." He admitted. "Show them I'm better. I need to be there."
She smiled and repositioned them so she leaned back onto his chest again. Turning on the hot water to top up the bath.
"Well that's settled it." She said. "If it's important to you it important to me. To us."
"You're sure Molly? There might be gossip. I shouldn't have to ask you to go through that." He warned her. "You know what these things can be like?"
"Will there be free drinks and dancing?" She asked even though she knew the answer.
"Yes." He said slowly.
"And will I be escorted there by the best looking Captain I know?" She hummed with pleasure at the memory of him in his smart uniform.
He chuckled again. "Yes."
"Well then. Course I'll go." She sighed contentedly. "It's gonna cost you though."
He guessed this was coming and was happy to pay the price.
"Ok what's that then Dawes!" He played along.
"Well...Tomorrow mate your poor credit cards gonna take a hammering as you take me up west for a new dress."
He dropped a kiss on her head.
"I think maybe, just maybe Molly I can manage that."
And just like that both were back to being happy and content again. Love was always better than anger. They both knew that.
They had always had this special way of talking to each other without words. Right from their very beginning. A look was all it took. She understood him, and he understood her.
The weekend had been a hard one. Spent at his parent's house. Saying goodbye to them and to Sam. Something he wondered if he'd ever be able to do again. Finding it hard, so much harder than ever before. Truly appreciating this time what he had almost lost, and what he had gotten back.
She knew he'd put a brave face on. She knew he had acted and pretended all was well. That he was content with the decision. Yet only she knew differently. She saw the doubt and fear in his eyes.
Since the day he had told her of the news she had offered herself to him. Told him she was always there to listen. Always there to help, but he'd only briefly shared his worries with her. Had only in the barest of ways admitted them.
And so tonight. The night after they returned to his home from his parents she'd sort him out.
She had planned her leave, a few days off, just to be with him. Spend as much time as possible at his house before he left her. Before she left him.
She found him sitting in the spare room surrounded by his kit and uniform. All squared and ready for packing. All practical and all on the list of necessities. She saw no luxuries, nothing that would remind him of home.
His head sadly looked up as she watched her coming in and again their eyes did the talking.
"Hey." She said softly as she moved gently to his side. She stood over him as he kneeled down in front of his packing. She ran her hands through his soft curls on his head. "Can I help?"
He grabbed her hand a pulled it to his lips. Kissing it hard.
"No. Just checking. It's all here." And she felt him shudder rather than heard it.
She knelt down now in front of him and he still held her hand.
"Talk?" She asked. "Please!"
His eyes flashed. But his head nodded as his eyes closed.
"What if I'm not good enough? What if I screw it all up again."
"You won't. Don't worry." She placed her hand over his heart. "You're a good man Charles and a great leader. You've got this."
He nodded but the frown remained on his face.
It was just three months. Three months that was all, but from his side it seemed like a lifetime to him. Three months of separation from Molly, and three months of leading a new section in a training exercise in southern America. A difficult tour for anyone, but especially so as this was his first international tour since it had all gone wrong.
He looked at it positively. He looked at the steps it had taken for him to get here. To be considered once again a leader. Someone the Army could depend on and so he was flattered to be asked. He had agreed straight away. Happy his psychiatrist had passed him fit. Happy his seniors saw him as the man he once hand been. Happy to be the soldier that Molly had fallen in love with.
But he wasn't happy in leaving her again. He was torn, and as the time came closer so did the reality of it and he started to doubt.
Started to feel the pressure and expectations. Usually, before, he had thrived on such a challenge, but now at times, only at times, he still questioned his own self worth and doubts crept in.
He'd told Tina so. He'd told his seniors so. All reassured him it was just nerves. Expected and totally understandable, and that he'd do the job he'd be trained for in the superior way he always had.
He focus therefore soon turned towards the preparation of the trip. On the section he was to lead. He assessed and reassessed every plan, every activity, every need, and in doing so he found comfort. Confidence. Reassurance... that was until this weekend when the reality of saying goodbye to his family and to Molly became so real.
"I can't become that man again Molly." He said simply.
"Shit Charles." She moved over to him. "You won't." She held his face as she knelt pressed up against him. "Why do you think you would?"
"I don't know." He dropped his forehead on to hers. "It's just if I did... if I ever... I never want to hurt you... don't think I could do all that again."
"You won't." She smiled. "I know you. You'll come back to me."
He kissed her nose and pulled her in. Doubts small doubts Tina had said he was allowed those. The big doubts need to be crushed, squashed, controlled, managed and that's what being with Molly did... moved those big doubts from his mind.
They had continued dating for weeks and weeks before they had told anyone. Then they had slowly announced their togetherness to family and friends, and then work colleagues, and before they knew it they were back to being a couple again. Were being invited to friends as a pair, accepted invitations as a couple, planned their lives professionally and domestically around each other whenever possible.
For almost nine months this had continued as their new routine. Molly still was Molly Monday to Friday, but at weekends she was his, and she loved it. It was perfect. It was the future they had suffered for, and then he was told of his posting, and suddenly their future was not as settled.
"Didn't expect you to be here." Kate said as she popped her head around the bedroom door. "Thought Charles left today."
"Yeah. He did. Has." Molly said avoiding looking at her flat mate. Not wanting to show her red rimmed eyes. Puffy and sore from so much crying.
"Oh." Was all Kate said and quietly left Molly alone.
He hadn't wanted her to see him off. Hadn't wanted her to be at the barracks with all the other partners and say their farewells in public.
So instead she had left him that morning, said their goodbyes privately and made her way to her home. Heartbroken and sad.
They had laid next to each other, close and still all night. Both said so very little. Just held on to each other's hand.
Then the morning came and they did the same. Held each other. Molly squashed herself tightly on to his lap as he sat in the sitting room just waiting for the appointed hour for him to leave. He held her back, hard and firm to his body.
"Don't cry." He simply
asked her, but she did and couldn't help herself.
This goodbye felt so different. So huge tears of sadness rolled down her face that just wouldn't stop. All her fears and worries manifesting themselves.
He slowly drew patterns on her back as he memorised the moment and kissed her hand but said no more.
Then, suddenly, too soon, it was time to leave. Time for them to part. He simply stood. She simple watched.
"Come back to me." Was her command.
"I will." Was his reply and then he was gone.
She had to believe that he would. That this time there would be nothing to sweep him away from his promise to her. She had to have faith. But it was hard and as she sat alone in her room she knew that she'd miss him every second he was away and worry doubly as much.
At first he messaged twice a week. He was, to start off with tense and it was hard to fully grasp how he was feeling, and then as the exercises ramped up he texted her even less. Molly felt the loss and struggled not to compare it with last time. Knowing that comparison would be the thief of their joy, and consciously tried to stop. Tried to focus on the little bit of communication that they did have rather than no communication at all.
And then the letters came. Long letters that told her detailed accounts of his days and times away from her. She devoured them and wrote just as frequently. They both tired so hard to make this work.
"So how's it going?" She asked on a rare phone call and wondered if she'd regret it.
A small grain of fear always remained that maybe he'd answer her back with something she didn't want to hear.
"Good. I think." He admitted. And she relaxed.
"Well that's good ain't it?" She asked. Hopeful.
It felt awkward at times and that was something she couldn't change. Sometimes the memories and distance of these calls were too much to completely overcome at times, but she pushed on.
"Charles. You Ok?" She asked and as the silence from his side of the phone continued she delicately added. "I miss you."
He closed his eyes and sucked in a huge breath.
"I miss you too." He replied with a weak but genuine smile that she could hear down the line.
"Well. That's good ain't it?" She said again. "I love you too." She added softly.
She heard the huge intake of breath from him.
"I can't." He began and she felt the nausea rise. "I can't do this Molly. Not again."
Maybe she had got it wrong. Maybe she shouldn't have pushed. So she stayed quiet.
"I miss you like fucking crazy." He gushed out. "Miss you so much Molly it hurts."
The relief in his words. In admitting his weakness. That she was his weakness was cathartic to them both.
"Thought I couldn't say that. Let my guard down. Not be emotionally involved." He continued. "But it's killing me. I can't do this whole tour thinking like I used to before. I need you to know that every second of every day I think about you."
She beamed as she listened to his words.
"I love you Molly." He replied. "And I need you in my life. With or without this shit. Is that ok?"
"That's bleeding perfect." She replied. "I've been worried." She bit her nails. "Thought you know... maybe... you were perhaps closing off again."
He was horrified. "Never Molly. Never again."
They stayed silent for a while. Then he continued.
"I have good times. Really good times laughing and joking with the team, and then I suddenly think about what happened. About Elvis and all of it and I'm struck with guilt."
"Charles." She reached out verbally.
He continued.
"I think of you. I think of him and I know... know I can do this and know I deserve to be happy again."
"You do." She said softly. "You really do. We really do."
"I know." He pulled his lower lip in and stared out at the lush vegetation from his quarters. "I'm happy and it's all because of you. All you Molly."
"Watch it mate." She smiled. "You'll be giving me a big head. Talking like that."
He chuckled.
"Besides remember what I said? You should be proud of you and what you've become Charles. Just stay focused yeah." She still worried about him.
"I know I know. Stay focused. Stay alter. Stay alive." He laughed. "Think you're pinching my lines there Mrs James."
As soon as he used her old moniker they both flushed. Embarrassed. Both unsure how to react. The use of that name and the people they had been then seemed a long time away. A life time.
And that was how they left it, as the weeks went by they talked infrequently but happily when they did. The letters continued. But both were content.
He hadn't expected her to be there. Hadn't even dared or hoped that she would be. Today was the day his tour ended and he landed in the U.K. and she'd hadn't been there to meet him.
Home comings were always public. Were often a show of what you had and what you missed. Charles knew this and so did Molly. They exposed all that was good and was bad in a relationship.
Towards the end of his exercise he half-heartedly had asked her if she was going meet him as they arrived home. She had each and every time in their past life done so. Some were good home comings for both of them, but as their marriage fell apart a lot were painful and a true sign of the beginning of their end. But still she had turned up, and had in all their time together only ever missed one of his home comings. That final time. And so it was that return home when she wasn't there to meet, so unlike Molly, Charles knew she had learned the truth about him and Georgie. And it hurt.
So he wasn't surprised when she said no straight a way this time to his tentative suggestion. When she refused his half-hearted request. Both holding on to their own beliefs. Both unsure if past disappointing home comings could ever be forgotten.
As he stepped off the plane, and walked through the doors he knew then he was lonely without her in his life. Without her he had nothing. He watched as others around him greeted loved ones, but not him, at that moment he recognised how alone his life could be, and he knew he didn't want it to be.
As he considered it all he realised he was angry. Angry about the past that robbed a future. Angry of a past that still hung over a new future together. And so he made a choice as he stood alone in the arrival lounge waiting for his section to leave.
Molly in not coming to meet him after months of separation brought it all sharply into focus. He had a choice to face that maybe the life he now had with Molly wasn't what he wanted any more.
He had finally come to terms with what he had done. He had made peace with himself and with her. And so he now understood. He could no longer live in the shadows of past mistakes.
What they had was no longer enough for him. As he strode across the car park he accepted the time now was to be brave. To take control of his destiny, and hope beyond hope that maybe, just maybe he wasn't about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
Her car was in his drive way as he had expected. Between them they had arranged she would make her way over to his as soon as he could.
During the long lonely drive home he half feared that she might have changed her mind and felt relief wash away his exhaustion as he rounded the corner of his street and saw his driveway occupied.
Slowly he walked up the drive way and expected his front door to burst open. Like it had done in past happier returns; but it didn't it stayed firmly shut.
He found his keys and opened the door cautiously. His nose was instantly insulted with smells of cooking and his ears in hearing the music coming from the kitchen. His home felt warm, it felt welcoming and he hoped that she was equally as so.
Charles dropped his backpack and headed to the kitchen.
"Hi." He said as he found her at the hob stirring the food she was making.
Her head snapped up, she turned and he saw her hesitated, just briefly.
"You're home?" She questioned and looked at you watch. "You're early?"
"No. Bang on time." He tried to joke. "You know the British Army Molly. There are any thing if not punctual."
She offered a smile but still didn't move her feet towards him.
"I told you can't do this." He said as he fought the sadness on her face. "Us. Like before."
"I know." She screwed her face up in agreement.
The atmosphere between them electric. Their eyes locked on to each other's. Again saying more than words.
The sound of the oven timer startled them both and they together moved forwards as one to silence it. Both hands touching the button at the same time.
He was now close to her and held onto her fingers as they rested on the dial. Standing behind her he simply said quietly into her ear. His voice low and with growing emotion.
"It's you. Molly. You always. I missed you. So much."
She turned and nuzzled her face into his.
"Ditto. Bleeding ditto." She replied.
And with that he pulled her in to his arms and gripped her into a tight hug.
"I don't ever want to be without you. Ever." He said. "You're still the last thing I want to see."
She lifted her head and kissed the lips that were offered to him.
"I proved to everyone I could do it Molly." He breathed out. "And I came back to you Molly. Like you asked. Like I always will."
The past few weeks had been the hardest. The letters had been the longest and the fullest. All emotions, all feeling written down for both to see. And now here they were in each other arms again.
"Marry me Molly. Again. Please?" He asked. Staring into her eyes.
Shaking her head she stared at him in total disbelief.
Struggled to fine the words.
She just kept mute.
He took half a step backwards as he saw her head move.
Struggling to believe it was what he had feared.
Rejection.
He was asking too much too soon.
She caught his forearms to stop him moving away totally from her.
Stilled him in his retreat.
"Yes." A simple word that meant so much. "Yes." She said again.
And so just like that all their maybes, their what ifs, their uncertainties had now at long last had gone, and had now turned into their forever's.