Chapter 34 - Mad Hagrid and Moony's DADA lesson
After Dinner and listening to that bumbling idiot Malfoy milking his practically non-existent injury for all it was worth we decided to pay poor old Hagrid a visit and make sure he was keeping his spirits up. When we reached his hut, Hermione knocked.
"C'min." A voice growled, assuming it was Hagrid, we entered the hut. Hagrid was sitting in his shirtsleeves at his scrubbed wooden table; his boarhound, Fang, had his head in Hagrid's lap. One look told them that Hagrid had been drinking a lot; there was a pewter tankard almost as big as a bucket in front of him, and he seemed to be having difficulty getting them into focus. "'Spect it's a record," he said thickly, when he recognized them. "Don' reckon they've ever had a teacher who lasted on'y a day before."
"You haven't been fired, Hagrid!" gasped Hermione.
"Not yet," said Hagrid miserably, taking a huge gulp of whatever was in the tankard. "But's only a matter o' time, i' n't it, after Malfoy..."
"There is nothing wrong with Malfoy, Hagrid. He's faking it. Honestly." I sighed.
"School gov'nors have bin told, o' course," said Hagrid miserably not listening to me. "They reckon I started too big. Shoulda left hippogriffs fer later... done flobberworms or summat... Jus' thought it'd make a good firs' lessons all my fault..."
"It's all Malfoy's fault, Hagrid!" said Hermione earnestly.
"We're witnesses," said Harry. "You said hippogriffs attack if you insult them. It's Malfoy's problem that he wasn't listening. We'll tell Dumbledore what really happened."
"Yeah, don't worry, Hagrid, we'll back you up," said Ron. Tears leaked out of the crinkled corners of Hagrid's beetle-black eyes. He grabbed the four of us and pulled us into a bone-breaking hug.
"Cheer up Hagrid, everything will be fine." I said softly and patted him on the back.
"I think you've had enough to drink, Hagrid," said Hermione firmly. She took the tankard from the table and went outside to empty it.
"Ah, maybe she's right," said Hagrid. Hagrid heaved himself out of his chair and followed Hermione unsteadily outside. We heard a loud splash.
"What's he done?" asked Harry nervously as Hermione came back in with the empty tankard.
"Stuck his head in the water barrel," said Hermione, putting the tankard away. Hagrid came back, his long hair and beard sopping wet, wiping the water out of his eyes.
"That's better," he said, shaking his head like a dog and drenching them all. "Listen, it was good of yeh ter come an' see me, I really..." Hagrid stopped dead, staring at Harry and me as if he'd only just realized we were there. "WHAT D'YEH TWO THINK YOU'RE DOIN', EH?" he roared, so suddenly that they jumped a foot in the air. "YEH'RE NOT TO GO WANDERIN' AROUND AFTER DARK! NEITHER HARRY NOR ASH! AN, YOU TWO! LETTIN' 'EM!" He pulled Harry and I out of his hut leaving Ron and 'Mione chasing after us and Hagrid personally escorted us back to the school.
-.-
Next morning in Potions was the next time the four of us saw Malfoy again. He swaggered into the Potions class with his bandaged arm in a sling acting as if he was the bravest man in the wizarding world.
"How is it, Draco?" simpered Pansy Parkinson. "Does it hurt much?"
"Yeah," said Malfoy, putting on a brave sort of grimace.
"Dear Merlin! Pass me a bucket." I said to Harry, Ron and 'Mione who nodded in agreement while the Slytherin's glared at us.
"Settle down, settle down," said Professor Snape idly while I sat next to Dean as 'Mione sat next to Nev so he had some help. Snape explained what we were doing a Shrinking Solution. Dean and I got on quickly helping eachother when we needed it at least until...
"Sir," Malfoy called, "sir, I'll need help cutting up these daisy roots, because of my arm -"
"Weasley, cut up Malfoy's roots for him," said Snape without looking up. Ron went brick red.
"There's nothing wrong with your arm," Ron hissed at Malfoy. Malfoy smirked across the table.
"Weasley, you heard Professor Snape; cut up these roots." Ron seized his knife, pulled Malfoy's roots toward him, and began to chop them roughly, so that they were all different sizes. "Professor," drawled Malfoy, "Weasley's mutilating my roots, sir."
"This isn't going to end well." Harry muttered from the table next to me where Harry and Ron sat. Snape approached their table, stared down his hooked nose at the roots, and then gave Ron an unpleasant smile from beneath his long, greasy black hair.
"Change roots with Malfoy, Weasley."
"But, sir -!" Ron had spent the last quarter of an hour carefully shredding his own roots into exactly equal pieces.
"Now," said Snape in his most dangerous voice. Ron shoved his own beautifully cut roots across the table a, Malfoy, then took up the knife again.
"And, sir, I'll need this shrivelfig skinned," said Malfoy, his voice full of malicious laughter. "Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig," said Snape, giving Harry the look of loathing him always reserved just for him. Harry took Malfoy's shrivelfig as Ron began trying to repair the damage to the roots he now had to use. Harry skinned the shrivelfig as fast as he could and flung it back across the table at Malfoy without speaking. Malfoy was smirking more broadly than ever.
"Professor, my pewter mushrooms?" Malfoy called out again.
"Hyde, do his mushrooms." Snape glared at me.
"You're fucking kidding me." I growled quietly and picked up my silver knife and moved to his desk, pushing him out of the way to quickly cut the green mushrooms into careful quarters.
"Seen your pal Hagrid lately?" he asked them quietly.
"None of your business," said Ron jerkily, without looking up.
"I'm afraid he won't be a teacher much longer," said Malfoy in a tone of mock sorrow. "Father's not very happy about my injury -"
"Keep talking, Malfoy, and I'll give you a real injury," snarled Ron.
"Calm down, Ron." I said while chopping.
"- he's complained to the school governors. And to the Ministry of Magic. Father's got a lot of influence, you know. And a lasting injury like this" - he gave a huge, fake sigh - "who knows if my arm'll ever be the same again?"
"So that's why you're putting it on," said Harry, accidentally beheading a dead caterpillar because his hand was shaking in anger. "To try to get Hagrid fired."
"Well," said Malfoy, lowering his voice to a whisper, "partly, Potter. But there are other benefits too. Hyde, slice my caterpillars for me too, will you."
"I'll slice you in a minute, filthy rat." I growled and sliced them oddly before going back to my bench, glaring at Malfoy making sure he knew if he complained, he'd be dead. I finished my potion quickly and left it to simmer while Snape talked. I glared at him.
"You should have finished adding your ingredients by now; this potion needs to stew before it can be drunk, so clear away while it simmers and then we'll test Longbottom's..." A few Slytherin's chuckled as there head of house announced this. "Everyone gather 'round and watch what happens to Longbottom's toad. If he has managed to produce a Shrinking Solution, it will shrink to a tadpole. If, as I don't doubt, he has done it wrong, his toad is likely to be poisoned."
"Oh no." I muttered and crossed my fingers for luck. He trickled a few drops down Trevor's throat. There was a moment of hushed silence, in which Trevor gulped; then there was a small pop, and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm. The Gryffindors burst into applause. Snape, looking sour, pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robe, poured a few drops on top of Trevor, and he reappeared suddenly, fully grown. "Five points from Gryffindor," said Snape, which wiped the smiles from every face. "I told you not to help him, Miss Granger..."
"I saw Neville do it by himself." I called out, desperate to get the points back and 'Mione off the hook.
"Five more from Gryffindor for lying." Snape replied.
"Prove I'm lying." I spat back. Snape's lips curled as he glared at me.
"Class dismissed. I'll see you tomorrow night for detention, Miss Hyde." Snape growled. My jaw dropped but 'Mione and Dean dragged me out before I could do something stupid.
"I can't believe that dick!" I growled as I stomped off towards the Great Hall for lunch while the others trailed behind me. I glared at him all the way through dinner while I ate dinner before Harry dragged me to Defence Against the Dark Arts. I was a little happier that I got to see Uncle Moony and I couldn't wait for my first lesson with him. When we entered the room a large cabinet was shaking as if something was trying to escape. I grinned at my Uncle as he started the class.
"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags? Todays will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands." There was rustle in the class as everyone did as they were told. "Now, can anyone tell me what they think is in the cupboard?"
"That's a boggart, that is." Seamus called out.
"Correct, Seamus. Now, can anyone tell me what a Boggart is?" Moony asked. Hermione's hand shot up. "Yes, Hermione."
"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."
"Well done, Hermione. Ash, can you tell me where Boggarts like to live?" Moony looked at me. Of course he would pick on me.
"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces," I said. "Wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under sinks and place like that."
"Excellent. So the boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears. This means, that we have a huge advantage over the boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?" Uncle Moony asked him.
"Er - because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?" Harry replied unsure.
"Precisely," said Moony, "It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake - tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening. The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing. We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please ... Riddikulus!"
"This class is Ridiculous." I heard Malfoy mutter from behind me. I stamped on his foot. He howled in pain.
"Anything wrong, Mr. Malfoy?" Uncle Moony asked. I looked at him with an evil smirk and a raised eye brow.
"No, Sir." Malfoy replied.
"Alright, as I was saying... Riddikulus!" Moony said and the class repeated it after him. "Excellent. Now, Neville. First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"
"Professor Snape." He said almost inaudibly. I think only me and Moony were the only people to hear him say it.
"Didn't catch that, Neville, sorry," said Moony cheerfully. Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper,
"Professor Snape." He repeated. Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically. Uncle Moony, however, looked thoughtful.
"Professor Snape... hmmm... Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?" Moony asked Nev.
"Er - yes," replied Neville nervously. "But - I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."
"No, no, you misunderstand me," Moony chuckled. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?" Neville looked startled.
"Well... always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress... green, normally... and sometimes a fox-fur scarf." Nev replied.
"And a handbag?" Moony prompted him.
"A big red one," said Neville.
"Right then," said Uncle Moony. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"
"Yes," said Neville uncertainty, plainly wondering what was coming next as were the rest of us.
"When the boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will assume the form of Professor Snape," said Moony. "And you will raise your wand - thus - and cry 'Riddikulus' - and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red handbag." There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently. "If Neville is successful, the boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," Moony continued, "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical..." I barely had to think. I know what scares me. Snakes. And after last year Basilisks terrify me. But I really didn't want it to turn into that. What could make a Basilisk funny? Maybe if it was bright purple and had a tongue like a dog and no teeth. I think we've found our winner. "Everyone ready?" Moony asked. There was a general reply of agreement. "Neville, we're going to back away, let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward... Everyone into a line please as you want to have your go at the Boggart." It went Pavarti, Seamus, Dean, Ron, Me, Harry, Hermione, Lavendar then the Slytherin's. Bunch of chickens who daren't have a go. Neville did indeed turn the Boggart into Snape with old lady clothes on. It was brilliant. Then Moony put some music on and Pavarti went next. It changed into a Mummy. Scary. Its bandages got tangled and fell on the floor when Seamus approached. It turned into a screeching banshee. I've never liked them. Then the banshee suddenly rasped, she had lost her voice. Brilliant! Dean next, it turned into a giant severed hand and started approaching him then bang, that hand was trapped in a mouse trap. Ron was called forward next and it, unsurprisingly, turned into a giant spider. Ron said the spell and the spider's legs were gone while the spider's body rolled around. "Excellent, Ron! Come on, Ash." Moony grinned at me as I stepped forward. The spider's eyes all looked at me and it suddenly changed into the 6 foot snake from last year. I shivered and took a step back before pointing my wand at it while focussing and on the purple toothless snake with a panting dogs tongue.
"R-Ri-Riddikulus!" I shrieked and the class burst into laughter at the almost cute looking giant snake.
"Brilliant, Ash! Harry!" Moony called while looking a little worried. I half expected Voldemort to appear which wouldn't be very good. The snake eyes looked at Harry and in seconds it had changed into a Dementor. "No!" Moony called and he stepped infront of the now frozen Harry. The Dementor looked at Moony before turning into a full moon, I looked at it with wide eyes while the rest of the class looked confused. "Riddikulus!" Moony called and the moon popped like a balloon and went sailing around the classroom back into the cupboard which he then locked. The class moaned at not having a chance to have a go but Moony dismissed us after giving all the Gryffindor's ten points for taking part and went to his office, leaving us to collect our belongings and leave. I told the others to go while I let myself into my Uncle's office.
"Brilliant first lesson old man." I grinned at Moony who grinned back.
"High praise indeed. I did expect you to come up. You don't think it was too much for a first lesson? After Hagrid..." Moony trailed off.
"No way. That is the best lesson any of us have had since starting Hogwarts. And what happened with Hagrid was that annoying brats fault." I grumbled.
"Ah yes. I would appreciate it if you didn't use violence in my class, Nine Lives." Moony told me off.
"But he deserved it Moony." I whined. "Why did you stop Harry doing his Dementor?"
"Even Dementor boggarts can be as dangerous as real Dementor's. I'd rather teach him the spell I used on the train because Riddikulus probably wouldn't have worked." Moony explained.
"Okay, I'll make sure he knows that. He's probably think that you think he's not up to it. Bless the moron." I grinned up at Moony.
"Come on, Nine Lives, I'll walk you to the tower." Moony said and we set off back to the Gryffindor Tower.