After reading the book and watching the movie, I was struck by the scene between Gus and Hazel and how phenomenal the acting was. So much was said with just a few words between both of them, it was amazing. So I tried to catch a glimpse of what I thought was going on between them. Just a short and sad little one-shot, any reviews or follows would be appreciated!
It wasn't a lie.
Well, not really.
Lie (/lī/) noun: an intentionally false statement.
No, it was more merciful than that. More like sparing. Sparing the pain of the inevitable. The funny thing about the inevitable was that it was in fact… inevitable. You can't avoid it. No matter how many lies, how many times you can put it off, it always comes back around. You can lie to yourself, fool yourself into thinking that maybe if you just push it to the back of your mind, it will disappear. Fall away into the sweet nothingness of oblivion.
Sometimes Hazel Grace Lancaster wished she could fall into oblivion.
Maybe then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain. She wouldn't have to worry about her body not functioning right, her lungs deciding not to breathe; the soul-aching pain that somehow hurt more than anything her failing body had ever dished out to her. She could handle the physical pain, that was easy. Years of chemo that made her hair fall out, the endless drawing of her blood, needles sticking her every which way. That she could handle.
But the silence that she and Gus fell into sitting on that bench in Amsterdam? She didn't know how to deal with that. Sometimes silence was worse than oblivion. Silence like that was never followed by good news. And that scared her the most.
Gus seemed to stare off straight ahead, his mouth opening up occasionally as if he was trying to start a conversation but the words just wouldn't come. Not in the way he wanted them too. Not in a way that would lessen the pain or the severity of the very words he was contemplating. Hazel watched him carefully, trying and hopelessly failing to hold onto the sliver of optimism that she so desperately wanted to cling too.
Everything was okay, everything was okay, everything was o-
"So just before you went into the hospital, there was… this…" The words stopped almost as soon as they started. Was he doing this? Even thinking about saying the words left a bad taste in his mouth. One that had been bothering him before they left for Amsterdam.
"I felt an ache in my hip." Words were like a bandaid. Rip it off quickly. Gus tilted his head back, just slightly. He didn't want to look at Hazel - he couldn't - because if he did he knew he would lose it. And he needs to keep his composure, if not for just a little bit longer. But Hazel knew what was coming.
"So I had a PET scan… and it lit up like a Christmas tree." Gus shook his head the entire time, and Hazel shut her eyes. Maybe if she closed them tight enough, she would sink back into the oblivion, maybe all of this would go away. At that moment she wished she could go back to that hated silence, just so she didn't have to have the burden of knowing this.
To her wishes, the silence returned, but it was far heavier than it was before. Now it was Hazel's turn to stare straight ahead, eyes burning with the tears she knew were going to fall as Gus took a breath and continued to explain.
"Lining my chest, my liver, just… everywhere." Such a huge implication on a simple statement. Gus shook his head, harder and more vigorously as the seconds of silence stretched on, mind racing. Hazel was frozen, the early tears making tracks down her cheeks. Gus gasped softly and blinked wildly as he looked up at the sky.
"I'm sorry," He whispered, voice breaking in the middle. Hazel kept her eyes shut and mouth shut, but her mind was screaming.
'Augustus Waters don't you DARE apologize for something you have no control over. Don't you dare apologize for a world that just wants to take and take and take and…'
"I should've told you…" Gus was on the verge of tears and his voice was giving it away. This wasn't supposed to go like this. He was supposed to hang on, just for a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.
Silence returned like an unwanted friend as Hazel let her head fall into his shoulder, crying openly now. She let her tears fall and she could feel the wetness on the sleeve of his jacket. Instinctively she gripped his hand tighter, and he squeezed back. Holding on, never letting go.
"It's so unfair." Gus almost didn't hear Hazel speak. But when he did, he almost wished the words never came out of her mouth. Not that he disagreed, no, the situation was anything but fair. But hearing her say it, acknowledge it, made it all the more real.
And then the tears started.
Gus' lip trembled as he felt Hazel sob into his shoulder. He clenched his jaw to keep his face straight, nearly biting his cheek in the process. Tears burned and stung his eyes and the first daring ones slipped down his cheek. He just needed to keep it together.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breath in. Breathe out.
"Apparently the world is not a wish-granting factory." What would normally be said with a little bit of laughter or even some sarcasm was instead spoken completely monotone. Hazel sucked in a gasping breath, her battered lungs not liking the extra effort it was taking for her to just live.
Gus rubbed his eyes, wiping away the few extra tears that made an appearance and tried to lighten the mood just a little bit. He was nothing if not an optimist. There's always got to be a little bit of sunshine. So he reassured her, making promises he knew there was no real backing to. He would try his hardest to keep them, but he knew they were promises he couldn't keep.
There was no ignoring the inevitable. He understood that. That didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell.
So, for now, all he could do was hold on very special Hazel Grace Lancaster in his arms, whispering promises he couldn't keep, and trying to hold off the threat of the inevitable for just a little while longer.
Let me know what you think! Thanks, guys!
Be Awesome, Stay Hilarious, Trust God, and Love Avengers!
-avengersashley