EAVESDROP
"I don't want to talk right now.
I just want your arms wrapped around
Me and this moment before it runs out
Oh, don't say that it's over
Oh, no, say it ain't so
Let's let the stars watch, let them stare
Let the wind eavesdrop, I don't care
For all that we've got, don't let it go
Just hold me."
- Charlie Peacock / John White / Joy Williams -
=/\=
"We have to talk about this."
"All right."
"I think we need to define some parameters about us."
"I'm not sure I can define parameters. But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."
"Is that really an ancient legend?"
"No. But that made it easier to say."
=/\=
She rolls over and stares across the room through the dim light, his words heavy on her mind.
He is breathing lightly and she can make out his curled form, back facing her. Her heart thumping loudly in her ears, she pulls back the thin Starfleet issued sheets and her two bare feet touch the cold metal floor. She inhales.
Her steps are light across the floor and she crouches beside his bed.
"Chakotay?" Kathryn whispers. Her words fall into the empty stillness of the room. He does not move. "Chakotay," she says again, this time reaching out to touch him carefully.
He takes a sharp inhale at the touch of her fingertips and turns toward her. He blinks and waits for his consciousness to take in the scene playing out before him. To his captain who has crouched beside his bed, her face half hidden in shadow.
"What is it?" he asks groggily, and pulls himself up on his elbows, worry rising to his features.
She smiles nervously. A lump starts to form in the back of her throat.
What is she doing? A captain, crouching beside the cot of her Commander? What would Starfleet think of her? From the moment she had the thought in her head, she knew she was disobeying regulations engrained into her at the academy, throwing away years of command training.
She has to turn away. Go back, she begs her body, but instead, she remains motionless, her limbs unwilling to abide by her instruction, her pleas.
The is a rising excitement growing within her. A hunger gripping her middle, a crave she wants his teeth to sink into.
"I'm cold", she chokes, unsure if he has heard it.
The light from the moon filters in through the cabins window, dances across his face, and she can see him relax. "We should fix that". He pulls back the sheets, inviting her in.
Turn away, she commands her body. Go back to your bed and lie down. He will understand.
But her limbs oblige to his request, her body keeping time with her needs, and she slowly lowers herself beside him, resting her head on his pillow. She watches him attentively, as he pulls the blankets over them, tucking her in beside him carefully.
His breathing has changed; now short and shallow, and he attempts to collect himself as he adjusts in the bed. He aligns himself beside her, careful to keep a space between them, slight, but within it all the words left unsaid. She is breathing heavily, but she continues to fight for control.
He makes the first move and searches for her hands, finding them glued, frozen to her side. They are soft and warm, and he smiles. "Cold, you said?"
She returns his smile. "I'm getting warmer". She releases another quick breath, her body unable to hide her timidness.
"Is that so?"
"So."
She has broken barriers by walking across to his bed; the glass case she had kept herself in is beginning to fall. She has taken solace in knowing he would never turn her away, being completely devoted to her, and to simply have her hand in his was sending shockwaves through her body.
She wants to fall into him, have him devour her, brace herself against his body until the morning light flooded the room. But only if he wanted her.
She wonders what he is waiting for, for her to issue a command. To be a slave to her wants and needs - his warrior woman.
He pulls her hand to his chest, and traces lines along long, slender fingers, and perfectly groomed nails.
How many times had she envisioned her nails trailing his back, digging in?
"What is it, Kathryn?"
She lets her name rest on his lips, and a shallow sigh escapes her. A dull ache begins to resonate in her chest. What was it? What did she want?
Her name fell from his lips like a song. To everyone else it would seem a violation of command, but to Chakotay it was grounding, and she closes her eyes, wishes to never hear him call her by anything else again.
She had found the comfort in it, allowing her to step away from the burden of command, from the confinement of protocol. And now as he carefully uses it again, he is bringing her back in, begging her to be his.
She searches his face; her own hidden in shadow, concealing her silent apprehension.
"Kiss me".
There it was. She had said it.
He lays a kiss to a single digit, and she exhales slightly. "That's not what I meant." Her alluring tone strikes her suddenly, captivatingly enticing. It has been a long time since she has released this side of her. She toys a fingertip against his bottom lip, flicking it gently.
The dance has begun.
A warmth rises through her body; anticipation raging throughout her core. A heightened sense of pleasure resonating from denying herself Starfleet protocol for one night - for what could be the rest of her life. She inches her body forward, emptying the cold space between them, filling it with heat and movement, as she lets her body take control – liberating her intense desire, void of restraint.
She lifts herself to run the tip of her nose across his chin. It is rough, and scratchy, showing how he has relaxed his grooming routine since removing his uniform. He smells musky, of the earth and sawdust from his day spent in carpentry. Nothing like the staleness of a Starfleet vessel, arid and dry. There was new life within him, a happiness she had not seen before, and she was allowing it now to take her over, letting a new life with him become reality.
He closes his eyes, pulling slightly, feeling the weightlessness flooding his head, which begins to spin slightly. "Kathryn," he whispers. "Please…"
He has given her her exit. If she wanted, she could back away. But her hands were telling him otherwise, leaving his chest to feel up his sides to rest on his back and she was inching closer, pushing against him with her small hips, her legs beginning to move along his lower body. The small part of him that wanted to turn her away is distinguishing. She is becoming increasingly irresistible. Her scent rising to envelop him, flooding his senses with only thoughts of her. He only had to reach out and take her.
"Do you not want to?" Sultry and sweet, she toys with him.
"I'm sure I don't have to answer that."
Her hips push harder into him, hands moving to cover his chest.
"Then do it."
Slowly, he lowers his head, and tilts to reach her lips. Soft and inviting, she exhales at the touch, and relaxes against his body.
Heavy years of holding her shoulders up, her back straight melt away, and for the first time in two long years, she allows herself to melt into another. She is the first to search his mouth, gently flicking his tongue with her own, and it works, quickens his kiss, heightening the pressure against her. She pulls at his shoulders, forcing his body toward her, needing to feel the full weight of his body. Begging for it to push the air from her lungs.
Suddenly, he pulls away, arms straight, and attempts to catch his breath.
"No, no, no," she says quietly, pulling against his shoulders slightly. "Chakotay…" The air between them quickly cooling, his body hovering above her, she exhales, and places a hand to his chest. Her face softens as colour drains, and she rises to meet him, lifting from the pillow. Their eyes meet for the first time, an awkward glance as her hand cups his face. "I'm sorry," she soothes.
He shakes his head slightly and leans in to kiss her again, softly this time. Warmth resumes, a tingling coursing as breathing and heart rate quicken. He abandons her lips as she exhales, and he takes his time to wander along her jawline. He reaches her ear lobe and her hands spread across his back, spreading her palms over his soft shirt, and she lowers herself to the pillow once more.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," she hears, as warm breath brushes against her lobe. He returns to her lips again and kisses her, feeling the pressure of her hands on his back. She moves them to his neck, afraid to let him go.
He rolls off of her finally, breath returning. Her arm caught under his back, he turns his head to face her. His eyes wild, words coming to his lips. He stops and smiles.
"What?"
He chuckles. "I've been waiting a long time for that."
"Well, then I apologize for my tardiness". She curls towards him, anxious to feel his heat against her again, and slowly runs her free hand over his chest. "It's been so long for me, I wasn't sure if I remembered how to do that".
"So I wasn't the only one". He watches as she laughs bringing her hand to her face, covering her mouth, and he turns into her. He pulls a loose strand of hair from her brow, smoothing it for her back in place. "Are you warmer now?"
"Yes," she says smiling, wrapping her arms around him. "Much warmer". He kisses her again, lingering.
"Oh, good." His hands are moving now and he takes special care to examine her face, memorizing lines, and curves. He slowly runs the back of his fingers along her jaw line. "This is my favourite distinguishing part of you".
"What is?"
"This line here." He kisses where his touch abandoned, fingers moving to trail her side, searching for a hem so he can reach new flesh. His fingers beg for entry under the thin fabric, and he looks up to seek her approval.
Fingertips greet the soft skin at her hip, and they linger playfully. But she does not yield, does not fight him, so he obliges hands reaching up to explore.
She is soft and warm, and he sighs deeply, returning kisses to her jaw. Her hands are silent against his shirt, and she closes her eyes while he explores tenderly. Hands working their way up her backside, her shirt becomes increasingly cumbersome.
She leaves his back, her breath quickening, and finding the hem of her shirt, pulls it up over her head. She is hesitant, but she meets his eyes, finds them dancing across her face.
He fixes her hair, placing more loose strands in place, and she closes her eyes at his touch. He trails his eyes down her body in the dim light. Her chest rising as she tries to catch her breath. Hands trail down her face down her neck, turning slightly to touch between her breasts.
He can feel her heart beat now, threatening to jump from her chest. He rests there feeling her rise and fall under his palm.
"Kathryn…" She opens her eyes to see his face close to hers. His hands hold her against him; her tender skin against the soft fabric of his shirt. Worry has spread across his face.
She relaxes now, and brings her hands to his face, and with long, slender fingers trails the lines of his tattoo. "I'm all right," she says softly.
She gently tugs at his shirt reassuring him of her intentions, and he wiggles slightly, helping her, lifting the shirt from his body. Her hands run across his chest, following muscles, trailing down his strong arms.
"Kiss me," she commands.
As their lips meet once more, their bodies collide, soft flesh meeting strong hands, and they search each other, fingertips memorizing every inch of skin.
His kiss breaks for a moment as his hands find her breasts, and he pulls away to lower his kiss. He cups them gently, tenderly taking her nipple in his mouth. He listens to her breathing and the exhale she takes. Her fingers now in his hair, she carefully presses fingernails down his head, his neck, to trail across the muscles on his back. He moves across her chest, trails kiss and tongue, and takes her other nipple in his mouth, pulling gently with teeth and tongue.
His hand moves down her body, searching, finding soft folds, warm and wet. He smiles against her, and closes his eyes, and listens to the pounding in her chest.
Her stomach pulls in as he finds the spot, and her legs fall to the side.
How long has it been, she thinks, since someone has touched her like this, increasing her comfort with his body resting on her. His fingertips electrifying as he makes short work of her body. How long has it been since she has let go?
A soft moan escapes her throat, and she can feel him smiling against her, pleased with himself. Another as he finds the speed and spot. Her legs move, and she arches her back slightly and reaches down to guide his hand. Waves begin, bringing with it the sensation of longing, and she welcomes pleasure like an old friend, pushing her over as the heat rises and she falls over its edge.
She gasps above him and he turns upward, and brings himself to her side. He kisses her temple, and silently wishes he could see the red in her lips, the flush in her cheeks, the wild pleasure of satisfaction in her eyes.
He runs a hand down her body, teasing her softly with his thumb. She wiggles slightly, finally meets his eyes, and lifts a hand to his face. She kisses him tenderly, unable to find the words. She shudders and he reaches quickly to find the blanket pulling it over their bodies.
She feels him now, pressed against her leg. Hard, waiting. He doesn't pull back as she shifts slightly, reaching down between them to take him in her hand. He smiles and kisses her fiercely and she moves long fingers in a rhythmic motion. He moans slightly and pulls from her mouth, breath increasing once again.
She smiles to herself, at her sense of control.
A hand finds her breast again and he tugs gently at her nipple. "Has anyone ever told you that you have exquisite hands?" He chokes, eyes closing as she quickens slightly, tightening her movement.
"Once or twice."
He pulls her hand from her work moving above her to pin her beneath him, both wrists held above her head. He is breathing heavily, words escaping him. He pauses and looks down at her aching form below him. He closes his eyes, unable to process coherent thoughts.
Her. He wants her. Wants to dive in not knowing what their future could hold.
"Do I have to give you an order?" she asks, a growl coming to the back of her throat.
"Aye,…" is all he can manage; unable to call her by the title that has kept them at a distance until now. For now she lay beneath him, her wrists held tightly, body warm and wet and waiting, he is to take what is his.
She spreads for him easily, wrapping legs around him to guide him within her. Folds give way and he enters further with a few gentle thrusts. He allows his instinct to take over, allowing his brain to stop calculating each strategic move. He releases her wrists, and begins to rock, thrusting himself deeper.
Their breath quickens together and they writhe in unison, the gap between them closing, creating one motion of being.
Fingers scrape against warm flesh, tongues taste salty skin, as dark figures move in the shallow light from New Earth's moon outside.
"Oh, Kathryn," he manages finally.
Her nails dig into his back and he bucks harder, pushing her up the bed slightly. Her hands move to his ass, pressing him towards her, and raises her legs higher, guiding him deeper.
He lowers himself, pressing his flesh against her as they work in unison. His mind blank, he tries to focus on her breathing and moves his cheek to rest against hers, relishing in the sound as he pushes the air from her lungs, and darkness finally consumes as his pleasure takes over.
He collapses beside her, one leg still entwined with hers, and he curls his head in the base of her neck. He watches her chest rise and fall, taking special notes of the way the shadows played across her skin. He cups her breast and she moves to place her hand over his, entwining her fingers with his.
These fingers, he thinks as he moves them within his hand, and brings them to his lips.
I will never let them go.
With a groan, he lifts himself to rest his head on his pillow, fixing sheets as she curls toward him.
"Never would have pegged you for a cuddle-type," he divulges as she spreads an arm around him to pull herself closer to him.
It was true – she had never been one to cuddle, but tonight was different. He was different. This was different. He was her only piece of home, her only constant. The reality of remaining here for the rest of her life was starting to offer her comfort, and she welcomed it happily.
She allows herself to close her eyes.
With little time away from the Bridge, this is the first time she is able to lower her shoulders. And here she is, wrapped safely in his arms, the only man she could see herself with. True, the dim hope of getting home to her fiancé's arms still resonated at times on Voyager, but now, pressed against Chakotay's warmth, strong arms surrounding her, Mark's image starts to fade.
"Penny for your thoughts", he says after a time, bringing a hand to her hair smoothing it back into place.
She lifts her chin to look at him. "I'm wondering if we should have started with a first date".
He chuckles and presses his lips against her forehead. "We had two years of first dates".
"Long nights on the bridge exploring nebulas doesn't count".
"It did to me." He offers a genuine smile; dimples form slowly.
"Oh, Chakotay." Her hand moves to his cheek. "You have always been by my side." She glances down to their covered forms. "And now in more ways than one".
"I told you," he sighs, "I will follow you everywhere."
Her lips pout, her eyes sadden with his words.
"What?"
Her ship. Her crew.
"Voyager."
The tears begin to form, and she hides her face from him, lowering, curling her head into his chest.
"She will be all right," he reassures her, cradling her closer. "If anyone can get them home, Tuvok will."
He can feel her nod against him, feels the tears rolling from her eyes, falling to his chest. He allows her to grieve in his arms, and as the tears continue, she does not utter a sound.
Tuvok. It was true. If anyone would get them home, he would. Her face tightens further at the thought of losing her friend, and she grips a bit tighter to Chakotay.
For years he had been her most trusted advisor, and their connection had been deeper than any friend she had ever had. She felt compelled to protect him, and she thought she would be with him at the end, when they reached the finish line. Getting home, the greatest race against time and space.
Finally, she fidgets in his arms. "I'm sorry," she says wiping her face. She turns upward, kissing him tenderly on his chin. "I miss her".
"I know".
"I wanted to get them all home. I promised everyone I would. I have failed them."
She shows him her face in anguish now and a sob forms in her throat.
"Shhhh…" he soothes, inching down the bed to face her; the grieving mother for her crew. "Kathryn, you haven't failed anyone. And they know that. Tuvok knows that. If anyone, he does." He places a kiss on her nose, a hand to her face stealing the tears from her cheek. "That crew loves you. Never in my life have I witnessed a more dedicated crew, a more unified crew. And I have travelled on a plentitude of ships. Voyager will get home, with Tuvok at the helm, just like it's meant to be now. They will get her home in your honour."
She nods and places a hand on top of his, gripping it tightly against her face.
"You are right. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. You are grieving, Kathryn. Let it happen."
He grazes his lips against hers. Warm and salty, tongues linger in now familiar territory. He does not pull away from her until her shoulders relax and she asks for sleep.
=/\=
Pain begins to resonate slowly as her head lifts her out of a cloudy dream. She opens eyes slowly, squinting into the stillness beside her. Chakotay lies beside her, flat on his back, her arm beneath him.
Slowly, she begins to understand the source of her pain, and reaches across to tap him lightly on his chest. "Chakotay", she says softly, but he does not move. She calls his name a second time, and he shifts slightly. Gently, she rocks him.
His eyes open and he smiles at her. "Good morning," he starts groggily.
"May I have my arm back?"
Shocked, he opens his eyes and lifts himself.
She begins to pull her arm toward her body and the pain shoots up. "Oh, oh, oh…" she trails on.
He pulls in beside her. A gentle worry on his face and gently he begins massaging her arm. "So sorry," he says softly. "Is it getting better?"
"Yes, thank you," she says looking up at him. His eyes move from his gentle work on her arm, to her chest rising and falling in the morning light. She feels exposed, no longer having the night's shadows to hide in, masking the imperfect lines she wants hidden.
Perfect, he thinks. He can feel her eyes pressing into his features.
She rolls toward him and sighs. "I have this strange feeling that everything will change once we leave this bed."
"So let's not", he pulls her in tighter. "You have no one to command now. Stay here with me."
"That is a fact." She places a hand to his chest. "But there is so much I want to accomplish today. There is the final clean up. The Talaxian tomatoes I would like to start growing." He hands begin to moves down her sides. She struggles to keep her focus. "And we can't forget about my little primate friend." Her breath begin to increase as he moves further down her body. "And there's…"
"Funny." He places a kiss to her jaw. "I don't recall seeing any of that on my duty shift report for today."
She chuckles. "Duty shift. The last time I had an assigned duty shift…" she trails, as his hand reaches between her legs.
"It's quite the list. I only have two duties to attend to today."
"Being?" She breathed heavily, eyes closing.
His hand continues his expert work, and she moves to rest on her back, legs starting to open. "One planning a first date."
She smiles. "And the other duty?"
"You."
=/\=
"This is Janeway."
"Captain, it's good to hear your voice. We have news."
"What is it?"
"We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within 30 hours."
=/\=
Chakotay's eyes fell from her face, hands bracing against the table. He sighs softly.
There it was. A rescue. The end. And in that moment their little fantasy – was over; over with the click of a small transmission.
"Chakotay, I..." She wears a look of despair, unable to find the right words.
He moves across the room and places a finger to her lips. He takes the combadge from within her fingers and places it behind him on the table. He takes her face tenderly within his hands. Her lips purse and she is unable to reach his eyes. Their lips greet longingly, in a frantic, heated meeting. A final union.
Her hands reach his back and she pulls against him, edging the gap of their bodies. He keeps a hand to her face, afraid to let go, but her hands eventually fall from his back. Her posture straightens and her shoulders square. She pulls from their kiss and when his eyes open he can see her looking up at him, changed. It seems as if in a flash, his Kathryn is gone; his captain returned.
She takes in a deep breath.
He retrieves the badge from behind him, holding it in his palm. Hatred for such a small device flooding through his veins, he affixes it to her dress.
She reaches behind him, picks up his badge from the table, and lifts her hands to his chest. He reaches up quickly to take them in his. Taking one last moment to take her fingers and hold them, remember the way they feel, their softness, their tenderness. The way they danced over his skin.
She does not rush him, and lets him hold her for a moment longer, caught in the same unforgettable dream, engraving the touch of his hands into her memory.
He finally straightens his shoulders, and releases her hands so she can affix his badge to his shirt.
"Well, Commander," she sighs. "Time to get packing."
"Aye, Captain."
=/\=
"Thank you all. Well, we've lost time with all this. Let's see if we can make some of it up. Mister Paris, warp eight."
"Aye, Captain."
"Commander, we'll need to review the ship's systems. I'll handle propulsion, environmental and communication. You'll be responsible for sensors, weapons and transporters."
"Aye, Captain. I'll have a report to you by eighteen hundred hours."
"Check with phaser maintenance. See if they solved that problem with the pre-fire chamber temperature."
"Yes, ma'am. I'll see to it."
=/\=
The door to her Ready Room whizzes open, and there is a change in the air. A familiar scent which lingers on her senses, grips her memory with ache. A PADD in her hand, she sits upright, eyes focus on her work.
"Captain," Chakotay begins, a shake to his voice. "Rumor has it that Neelix is planning a welcome home party in our honor. Commending immediately."
She does not look up from the PADD in her hands. "That's sounds lovely."
He places his hands behind his back, straightens his shoulders. "I'm heading there now. Would you like to accompany me?"
She pulls her sights from her work. A fingertip lingers across the top of the PADD. She is frozen, stares forward onto her desk.
His hands move to rest on the front of her desk and he leans forward, sending another wave of cologne to invade her senses.
Dread grips heavily to her chest.
"Will you ever look at me again?" His voice grips with sadness. There is a pained urgency to his request.
"In time," she says, and places the PADD in front of her, spreads hands out on her desk, palms facing down.
"You could try now," he offers, and she watches as his hand moves carefully toward her, as fingertips gently meet.
She looks up quickly, head immediately falling to the side. Her features grip with sadness, tears well and fall. She fights for a shaky breath. She swallows.
"I will miss you," she manages, her voice a whisper, fading tragically into nothingness.
He watches her tears fall and pulls his touch from her, treads softly around the desk to stand beside her. He places a hand carefully, strategically to her shoulder, and holds it steady as she takes a deeper breath He waits to have her eyes again. A darkened blue, shining from her sadness.
"I will miss you, too."
She stands quickly, her chair pushing back against the wall, and she wraps her arms around him, pushing herself into the safety of his embrace. She hides her face against the scratchy fabric of his uniform.
His hands find her hair, wrap around her shoulders, soothing, drawing her further to his core.
He steals a kiss to her forehead, wipes tears from his eyes, as he leans down to whisper close to her.
"I promise," he begins as she turns, looking upward. "I will wait for you."
She places her head back to his chest, squeezes him tightly.
Please... don't.