Author note: Apologies for the time it's taken to get back to this story. Urgh, I don't really have my head in the game at all anymore, but I've given this chapter a shot.

This chapter was inspired by my new car, which beeps erratically for no good reason (though recent trial and error has revealed it likes to scold me for taking corners too fast, braking too hard at pedestrian crossings and not slowing appropriately for speed bumps) and sends messages across the screen that I'd have a chance at understanding if they were written in Aurebesh, and makes an occasional faulty-transmission mechanical whine except for when I'm trying to demonstrate it to the mechanic.

Anyway, I hope you're holding up well and staying safe. If anyone wants to say hi on Tumblr or be privy to future chapter sneak peaks, come visit me at acowlorsomething :)

Conversations

Part XIV

On the second standard day that the Millenium Falcon drifts through the Outer Rim, various systems begin sending off sporadic alerts. The sublight drive exhaust is the first to announce a searing warning throughout the ship; it's pitched and frantic bleep sending both Rey and Kylo running to the diagnostic console to check which part of the ship is falling apart this time.

Rey shrugs and scrubs a hand across her face, "sublight engines are all but offline anyway. Your droid will fix it."

But she spends an hour in the circuitry bay nonetheless, trying without success to troubleshoot the problem.

The second warning reveals a problem with the landing gear.

"Not like we're planning to land any time soon," Kylo grumbles after returning from the rear cargo hold. Rey raises a brow and says nothing as he disappears into the fresher to scrub grease and grime from his fingernails.

The third alarm to send them tumbling into the cockpit for diagnosis is the life support system. This time they both make their way to the forward cargo hold; neither one trusting the other to be capable, at this point.

"This is ridiculous," Rey huffs after half an hour of checking circuitry and running diagnostics, "The Falcon is playing with us."

Kylo grins, his face relaxing into easy dimples that cause Rey to glance twice at the way his features soften. "Well, I wouldn't be surprised."

Rey smiles briefly, unsure of how to respond to his banter - and floored by his easy smile. Since dinner, they've quietly avoided each other. Uncertain of what to make of the charged energy that seems to rise between them whenever they share the same space.

"Though, given that we could be on the brink of a catastrophic loss of air pressure, I think it's best we ditch the scrap heap and take the shuttle when it arrives." Kylo turns his attention to the switches of the circuit board before Rey can reply. As if his outrageous suggestion can simply be absorbed without need of further comment.

"Wait," she splutters as his words sink in, "there's no way I'm ditching the Falcon."

"I knew you'd say that," his voice is carefully light, "which is why I have a second option."

"Clearly this isn't something that's just occurred to you," she manages, breathing through the rising anger.

"I've practically prepared a presentation." Grabbing a datapad from a clasp in the wall, Kylo pulls up the navigation system as he crosses to her side. "We'll stash it here. See? In Jacen's Belt."

"An asteroid belt?" Rey's voice climbs three octaves as he points out the band of debris. "You think I'm going to agree to stash this ship in an asteroid belt?"

"Absolutely. We'll find a piece of rock to clamp it to and come back for it later." He holds her gaze, brown eyes widening with the projection of innocence. "I promise."

The flash of a smile crosses his face. He probably thinks it to be reassuring. But for a long moment Rey simply stares, surprised at how easily he can remind her of his father. Not that she'd tell him that, of course.

"You sound like Han." The words blurt out before she can stop them, and although she throws a hand over her mouth, there's really no retracting what was said.

Kylo is silent, though his jaw works; the tic beneath his eye beginning its sporadic flutter as his hands curl into fists at his side.

Oh good. The trifecta. Rey thinks. And braces herself for the tirade.

"You're trying to distract me," he says evenly, "but it won't work. You can't deny this is a good idea."

"I can't understand why you'd think hiding the Falcon in an asteroid belt to be anything but a bad one," she retorts.

"Why? Smugglers use them all the time," Kylo shrugs. "My father once hid in the Hoth asteroid field for days. It's where he and my mother first…"

His words drifts away then, his gaze fixing on the mid-distance.

"Your mother kissed me in an asteroid belt while we were hiding from -"

You kissed me, you scoundrel!" Leia gives her husband a light shove as she steps up behind him and smiles at her son. "He stole the kiss, in fact."

"Excuse me, your royal highness!" Han spins towards his wife, hands thrown up in mock outrage, "you were perfectly willing -"

You know this whole conversation is disgusting, right?" Ben interrupts, blocking his ears with his hands as he slips past his bantering parents. "If anyone needs me, I'll be beating Chewie at Dejarik again."

"Hey, be careful. You know that Wookie doesn't like to lose!"

"Only when he plays against you, dad." Ben retorts. "And only because you cheat too much."

As the imagery fades from Rey's mind, she can feel the intensity of Kylo's sadness as if it's her own. Sharp and stinging and achingly deep. A small strangled sound escapes her as she turns away. She bites the inside of her mouth to stifle it until her eyes sting.

"Rey?"

It's his pain. His guilt. His damn burden to carry. Slender fingers curl into fists as anger washes over her. Why is she the one ingesting his emotions?

"Rey, look at me." Kylo moves to intercept, his fingers light at her jaw as he tilts her face towards him. His eyes widen in surprise as she raises her own. And it's only when his fingertips move to smudge away the wetness on her face that she understands why.

"You're crying," there is shock in his voice. "Why?"

"I'm not." She steels herself against the shiver that peels down her spine as his thumb makes another sweep across her cheek, and deepens her objection with a scowl. Is he even aware of how the bond bridged them in that moment? Of how she too shared his memory? "I'm just allergic to bad ideas. Which is exactly what your plan is."

"Uh-huh."

She meets Kylo's troubled expression with a sigh. He does know.

"Fine. I just…" Hotness prickles behind her eyes. She squares her jaw. "I wish you could understand how lucky you were."

She prepares herself for the backlash as his eyes narrow. But he surprises her. "Why don't you show me?"

"What?"

"Open your mind. Form a memory of your own." He swallows hard, his jaw working as if testing the words. "Then allow me in - to share it."

For several seconds Rey stares, remembering the pain that seared her head when Kylo rifled through her mind upon Starkiller Base. Her first impulse is to repel the suggestion, to mock him for thinking her so gullible that she'd let him in willingly.

"It's not a trap, Rey," he says softly, sensing the direction of her thoughts, "you'll be in control. And you don't need to show me anything you wish to keep hidden."

She shakes her head. Repulsed by the idea. But the damn earnestness in his eyes catches her. She swallows the rebuke forming on her tongue. There is too much of her life she has no wish to share. Too much, she has no wish to relive. But, if it helps him to see. To understand…

Closing her eyes with a measure of reluctance, Rey scrunches her brow and tries to relax. To card through her memories until she finds one that might finally show him how lucky he was to have a family who cared. How fortunate he was to grow up surrounded by warmth and laughter.

"How do I let you in?" She murmurs, half under her breath.

"Relax the barriers you throw up every time I come near you," Kylo's voice is terribly gentle when he wants it to be, she notes absently. "Let me reach into you."

Don't be afraid, I feel it too. His words slip into her mind like an echo.

Nodding, Rey relaxes her shoulders. Unstiffens her spine. Feels the tension ebb from her neck. In turn, with each deep steadying breath, she imagines her inner barriers growing thin. Dissolving. Kylo's presence, when she feels the connection open within her, is not a clenching fist, but a barely discernible caress.

"That's four rows of lines. I guess that must be at least a thousand days."

Rey stares at the freshest line scratched upon the wall of her AT-AT and squeezes the ragged piece of metal in her hands until she feels the sharp bite of it against her skin. Outside, the winds scream. The fury of the X'us'R'iia causing even the massive structure of the walker to rock a little.

"It's okay, Dosmit," she says to the doll she's cobbled together from the scraps of alliance pilot uniform. Its eyes stare unblinking at her attempts to reassure it. "I'll keep you safe."

But her words are tiny and hollow, even to her own ears. Her small doll offers the illusion of company when the night grows long, but gives no comfort against the biting cold. The ache of loneliness in her chest is equal to the ache of hunger in her stomach but she staves back the tears. She has to stay brave. For Dosmit. For herself. And for her parents. When they return.

Beyond the AT-AT, the winds sweep across the desert in malevolent fury. When its wrath finally passes, three more lines have been scratched upon the wall.

"I knew loneliness too." Kylo says quietly as the memory fades. "My parents may not have left me on a desert planet, but I grew up feeling abandoned by them, nonetheless."

Anger strikes through Rey at his words. Her effort has taught him nothing. "I can't believe you have the audacity to compare my situation to your own!"

"When will you stop using your own suffering as the bar by which you set anyone else's?" Kylo hisses, throwing his hands into the air as he spins away. "I understand the horror of your upbringing - I do. And I admire you for not letting it twist you into a monster. You're strong, Rey. Strong in ways I could never be." Rey's eyes widen at his words, but he continues on.

"I'm sorry I disappoint you for being what I am. If I could swap childhoods with you, I would. Given it's clear I'd turn out a monster either way, at least one of us could have a chance at happiness." Kylo's voice breaks on the words and he bites off the rage with a growl as he pushes himself to his feet, fists bunching at his sides as he turns towards the blast door.

"Ben, wait!" The name slips. Rey doesn't care. Springing after him, she snakes out a hand and grabs his shoulder, fingers pressing into taunt muscle as she stays him.

"Maybe it's time for you to let me in."

"What?"

"You claim your parents didn't want you, but whenever I've caught a glimpse into your memories, I've seen the opposite," Rey holds his gaze, unflinching as his almond eyes narrow. "So, show me. Show me how bad your life truly was."

Kylo's expression is unreadable as he weighs her words in silence. And then his jaw clenches with a twist of determination, and he reaches out, laying his palm against her temple as he presses his will into her mind and -

"The kid lose his temper again, huh?"

"Whatever could have given you that idea?" The chink of glass dropping into the disposal follows Leia's sarcasm and muffles Han's reply.

Ben presses an ear to his bedroom door, desperate to know what his father thinks of him now. Even as he knows what he must think. What they all think. He's bad. He's a monster. He -

"He scares me, Han." Leia tries for a whisper but Ben hears; his every sense tuned to the conversation taking place in the room beyond his own. "The darkness in him is so strong, and I don't have the knowledge to help him. It seems like there's nothing I can do to prevent what he's becoming. Han, what are we to do with him?"

Ben feels shame burn his cheeks at his mother's words. It's not his fault! He can't control this… Whatever it is inside him! And what does she ever do to help? She won't even talk about it with him. There's never time. She's never home...

"How bout I take him with me on my next trip?" Han suggests it easily enough, but there's a hesitance to his words, Ben can tell. Though hope soars within him, despite his scepticism. "Some father-son time would do him good. And you know how he loves Chewie…"

"And what happens when his next tantrum causes more than just a dinner plate to explode?" Leia protests, her voice tightening, "what happens when it's your ship he's tearing apart?"

"Yeah. I suppose you're right."

Ben's shoulders sag in despair at how easily his father gives in. Just like he knew he would.

"So what do we do with the kiddo?" he continues, "keep him locked in his room forever?"

"Sometimes I wish we could," his mother's tone is grim. Resentful. The banging of cupboard doors suggests she's putting together a meal to replace the one he sent flying in twenty directions around the room.

Ben sinks onto his bed. Curls into a ball. Presses his bunched fists to his ears and wishes for a way to make this horrible thing - this monster - within him go away. Maybe then, his parents would stop looking at him as if seeing someone else. Maybe then, they'd start spending more time -

Kylo's presence withdraws from Rey with a snap.

Blinking hard, Rey meets his eyes in surprise before her gaze skitters away. Unable to bear the intensity. Or the bleak desperation drawn upon his face with the fineness of a calligrapher's hand.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs finally, drawing her eyes to him once more. If she wanted to, she could count the finest moles on his cheeks - except that she feels determined to hold eye contact. To not flinch from what he's chosen to lay bare for her.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" Kylo's voice is hoarse. Tinged with apprehension as he drops his hand and steps back.

"For calling you a monster." It's only when the warmth of his body draws away that Rey realises how close they'd been. Sucking in a breath of bravado, she bunches his tunic into her hands, holding him in place. Refusing to let him retreat within himself, as she knows he surely will.

"Don't be sorry. It's true. It's always been true." Kylo's left eye twitches as his chin gives a barely discernible tremble. "My parents knew it long before anyone."

"Your fate is not set in stone," Rey argues, "whatever happened in the past… It doesn't have to be that way now."

Kylo is silent as he watches her.

Resolute, Rey raises one palm to cup his jaw, fingers trembling as they move to trace the scar across his cheek. So faint now, since she used the Force to heal him. "You've done monstrous things in the past, yes. But you're not that same person now. You're not a monster."

Sensing the protest building within him, Rey draws him closer, lifting herself on her toes so that the warmth of his body encompasses her once more. "You're not. I know this is true. Or else I'd never be standing here, with you, were it not."

"With me?" he repeats, voice neutral. Though the question seems to hang in the air between them. A tangible thing.

Rey hesitates, desperate not to stamp out that fragile, guarded hope in his eyes but reluctant to make a promise she can't keep.

"That depends," she says finally, knowing where her next words are going to send him, but determined to say them anyway, "on who I'm talking to. Ben Solo or Kylo Ren?"

He pulls away then, muscles tensing beneath her palms. "There is no one or the other, Rey. I am who I am. If you can't understand that, we have nothing further to talk about."

He leaves her clasping thin air as he strides away. Just as she knew he would.

Rey gives him an hour to stew over his thoughts, before picking up the conversation again.

"I've thought about what you said, and you're right." Sinking to a seat at the Dejarik table, she waits for the brooding figure opposite her to stop pushing holographic characters across the board.

"Go on," he says finally, leaning back to coolly assess her.

"You are who you are. There is no one or the other. Right?" Rey lifts a brow, waiting for him to acknowledge her.

"Right." It's a reluctant admittance. And if he senses a trap, he's not wrong. But he's also too late.

"Excellent. So, shall I call you Ben Ren from now on, or Kylo Solo? Or perhaps Benlo Renso? What do you think?"

"I think you've lost your mind." he says slowly, switching off the game and folding his arms across his chest.

"Well, Ben Solo, Kylo Ren… There's no one or the other, right?" Rey grins, openly enjoying herself. "So I think it'll be easier for both of us if we just amalgamate your names. Saves any further confusion, don't you agree?"

"No." Resting his elbows on the table, the darksider sinks his head into his hands and mumbles into his palms, "I don't agree."

"Well, Ben it is then." Rey presses, "since it doesn't matter anyway."

"I'm going to lie down." Swinging out from behind the table, he crosses the room to the relief pilot bed. "Wake me when the shuttle arrives."

"That's still another standard day away."

"Yep."

"Well, goodnight, Ben."

Rey's not disappointed by the lack of reply as she powers up the hologame and begins a solo challenge.

She'll give him some time to adjust.

References:

Jacen Solo aka Darth Caedu was the son of Han and Leia in the Star Wars novels that are no longer regarded as canon since Disney took over things (but still worth a read!) Kylo Ren's character was strongly influenced by Jacen, and so I decided Jacen's Belt would be a fitting name for the asteroid field in which Kylo wants to stash the Falcon. Also, I thought it would be a cool throwback to the time his fam took refuge in the Hoth Asteroid Field where Han first kissed Leia.

Kylo's flashback scene is inspired by The Last Jedi novelisation by Jason Fry where Kylo thinks upon a childhood memory of his parents talking about him as if he were a monster they were afraid of (in the scene where he was about to fire at the Raddus, but released the trigger.)