Chapter Seven
A week has gone by since the night of the earthquake. That passage of time feels surreal.
After being on duty for over 36 hours, Claire finally crawled home, showered, ate a ridiculously carb-heavy meal with a tall beer, and slept from early evening until the next morning. When she woke for her shift, she'd felt better physically, though that was about the only comfort the rest had brought her.
Emotionally, she felt awful. Neil had seemed so happy to see her when she'd interrupted his conversation with Noreen. They'd joked around a little, fell into that comfortable pattern of banter that had been missing recently. She'd listened as he shared his fears and his comforts with her. He'd shown her a little more of who he is, and she'd gotten caught up in him, in the notion that maybe it was safe to tell him the truth: that he couldn't almost die on her and not hear how she'd come to love him.
When he'd spotted her confession for what it was, he'd cut her off at the knees.
She feels exposed and humiliated. Dismissed. At least she has an answer to dealing with her feelings for him going forward. She has to get over him.
It doesn't change her relief that he's survived his ordeal. Although it makes her feel a bit pathetic, she still has a desire to comfort him, even if only as a colleague. As complicated as her emotions are, she's mostly scared to lose his friendship and will settle for being thankful to see him healthy and alive and in her life in some way.
Neil had once told her that 'we are who we are.' And if he's to reject her because he's too honorable and practical a guy to let a bit of chemistry torpedo both their careers then so be it.
So, she'd returned to his room when she knew he was out for scans and left him some crosswords to pass the time, a book, and the crucifix. After all, it wasn't his fault that he didn't return her feelings or at least wanted to stave off any potentially improper behavior between them. And she couldn't blame him. She's the one that told him things wouldn't get weird and that she'd just wanted a mentor, nothing more. And like a simpering teenager, she'd fallen for him and made everything awkward and inappropriate like everyone had feared. The only person she could be been angry with is herself for crossing the line so openly.
Neil had stayed in the hospital for a few days under observation before being released to recover back at home. Dr. Lim had reported updates to the team, confirming that she'd settled him in herself, and he was grumpy but recovering well. Claire tried not to dwell on Morgan's prediction and how close Neil and Lim might be getting in the aftermath of his brush with death.
And what Lim didn't volunteer was exactly what this medical leave meant for the four residents with Neil out for who knows how long.
After such an intense desire to see him that night to ease her worry, their last encounter mostly fills her with dread at the idea of crossing paths. At least with his injury, she won't actually have to interact with him for a while, and maybe by then it'll have blown over.
Claire hadn't gone to see Neil the few days he'd stayed in the hospital, citing a busy schedule. It wasn't even an excuse. Andrews had stepped in as their primary Attending and Glassman was on loan from the clinic. With Morgan on admin duty until she healed, Park out visiting his family, and still a lot of admissions from the earthquake, Claire and Shaun were busier than ever. Neil had texted her a curt but sincere 'thank you' for the items she'd dropped off. She'd sent a plain, neutral smiley face emoji in response, holding back a bit of bitterness at the gesture.
That's classic Claire Browne. She puts on a happy face even when she's falling apart inside.
Despite how difficult it often felt, she'd forced herself not to ignore him. They'd pepper each other with messages throughout the day, probably more a sign of his boredom than anything. He'd ask about her surgeries, she'd seek his input so he'd feel useful. The distance seemed safe, and Claire thought at least they could work on things getting back to normal between them this way. She's grateful he's willing to move on and still be friendly.
The one time she'd worked up the nerve to simply stop in for a moment and say hello, he'd been out for tests. One of the crossword books she'd left for him was missing so she assumed he'd taken it with him. A makeshift bookmark indicated he'd made good headway into Moby Dick. Feeling relieved that they'd missed each other, she'd left him a note about minding his jailers and another smiley face.
Once he's discharged, their texts become less frequent. She considered asking if he needed anything that she could drop off, then thought better of it. And the messages she received from him seemed to indicate he was doing fine. His long road to recovery seems to be weighing on him, and she wants to be there for him, even if just as a friend and colleague. But she lost the right when she crossed a line and he'd sent her away. Reaching out would only result in more rejection.
At this point, she has no idea when any of them will even see him next.
Now Claire sits in the lounge with Park and Shaun after another brutal day. They're waiting to hear from Andrews about whether they're doing a procedure on an obstinate patient tonight or bumping it to the morning's schedule. It feels weird being next to Neil's empty office just going about their day. The room is too quiet without Morgan. Their team seems even more uncertain with Park mulling over a transfer to be closer to his family. The only certainty is that nothing will ever be the same after the earthquake.
"Things feel weird, right?" Park leans back in his chair and swings it gently as he asks. Shaun sends a furtive glance toward him and Park halts the swinging.
Claire nods. "I was just thinking the same thing. It's like we're in some strange limbo. Morgan's not here, no one's saying anything about Melendez. It's unsettling."
Silence settles at the table again. Shaun is reviewing an article on a surgical procedure he'd be doing the next day. Park is texting on his phone, and Claire is updating her last remaining patient charts since there's nothing better to do while they wait.
"Things are not weird with me," Shaun offers abruptly. "Lea and I have spent the last three evenings together, and I think she wants to go on a road trip this weekend. We've always liked those."
Claire and Park look at each other, not sure how to respond.
"Uh, that's great, Shaun," Claire says as neutral as possible. "I'm glad things are working out." She glances again at Park and returns to her notes.
"They are working out. It was bad for a while," Shaun confirms. "We've talked a lot, and I think things happened the way they were supposed to."
Claire scoffs. "Tell that to Carly," she mutters. Park and Shaun swing their heads around toward her at the comment, Park in amusement and Shaun with a growing anxiety. Claire sighs. "Sorry, Shaun. That was unfair. It's none of my business."
"Now I know things are weird when you're saying something's none of your business," Park jokes. Claire glares at him, but with humor.
"Carly broke up with me," Shaun says. "And if Lea and I are together, it makes her decision the right one. I think she'd agree."
Claire bites her tongue and turns back to her computer. She isn't going to take her edginess out on him. "I'm sure you're right, Shaun."
Park puts his phone down and turns to Shaun. "Claire's right, though. I'm glad you're happy and that things worked out. We both are. But you shouldn't forget that someone got hurt in the middle of all this to get you to that happiness." Park did know a thing or two about complicated romantic relationships.
Shaun considers Park's explanation. "I haven't forgotten." Park nods. "There's just nothing I can do about it."
"That's true," Claire agrees. "But it's good to acknowledge the important things that got you to this point with Lea. Carly is a nice person. I know you think so too. And even though it's no one's fault, she got hurt so you could be happy."
"I know. She is a nice person. There are things I miss about her sometimes. Do you like Carly more than Lea?" Shaun asks.
"Honestly, I don't know much about Lea except for the ups and downs I hear from you. And I don't want you to get hurt again." She grins at him. "It made you kind of a jerk, so it's self-preservation." Shaun seems to relax at hearing her humor, and Claire's glad. She doesn't mean to come down so harshly.
"And you should be careful because when you get even deeper into the kind of relationship you and Lea have, you can get hurt again badly," Park adds.
Shaun turned to Park. "Didn't you forgive your wife for hurting you?"
Looking a little sheepish at the question, Park blushes a bit. "You're right, I did. And that's why I'm telling you to be careful. It's not as easy as it sounds. And I'm terrified all the time. It's worth it for me. Just be sure is all I'm saying." Shaun nods.
"How do you know if you're sure?"
Park and Claire exchange looks. "I guess, you look at the worst that can happen and the best that can happen and see if the balance of things weighs out in your favor."
Claire picks up on that thought. "And being sure doesn't mean that you know how things will go. It's about being sure you're ready for the journey. There will be things that happen that suck and are hard. There will be things you don't anticipate. You'll make choices that some people might not agree with, that maybe you'll have to compromise on yourself. But there's a bravery and courage to accepting all of that and knowing you'll have someone who you love doing all of those things with you and making the adventure all the more worth it. It sounds like that's what you feel with Lea."
Claire looks away, a dull ache in her chest at the idea of falling in love with someone who loves you back. It's something that's eluded her, that she sometimes wonders if she'll ever have or if she deserves. Her mind flashes to Neil, and the ache becomes a sharp pain at what she can't have.
And yes, she's bitter. And sad. And it hurts to sit here with friends who seem to get their happy ending when she's yet again left to suffer. She'd let herself believe Neil when he'd told her that she deserved to be happy, and for a flash that she thought that maybe she deserved to be happy with him.
Anger is there too, along with the urge to go scorched earth and disavow their friendship, distance herself to being a mere colleague to him. It sounds like what he'd prefer anyway, and is probably grateful for the time away to figure out how to tell her that. She wants to be one of those women who can shrug and move on. But she's not that kind of person and they'd never been mere colleagues, not even in the beginning when they were sparring and getting to know each other. Cutting Neil out of her life would be destructive and would hurt her personally and professionally.
She doesn't need Neil, she only wants him. So much. But she can get through this. She can survive anything.
It seems like a lifetime ago when she'd given that advice to Shaun about why it's worth it to pursue love. Neil had helped her when she'd needed it and refused to give up on her when she'd felt unlovable and deserving of the suffering she'd endured. But a romantic journey together was too much to ask of him.
Across the table, Park and Shaun notice her shift in mood, her eyes distant and a touch misty. Park looks concerned, but Claire shakes it off, strained smile hoping to assure them.
"I guess that's how you feel about Dash now that you're dating." Shaun says. "And he probably felt that way about your friend that died."
Claire hadn't been expecting that comment. Strangely, it makes her laugh.
"No, Dash and I like being just friends. We're kind of on the other side of that calculation. It's fine though. We talked it out before anyone got hurt."
Park looks as if he's going to say something to her, but then Andrews walks in briefcase in hand. "I guess the procedure is off?" Park says instead.
"It is. I got consent, but it's too much trouble dealing with the staffing needed to proceed tonight and the patient's vitals look good. He'll be fine overnight and we'll do the procedure first thing in the morning. Go home, get some rest." He nods at them and turns back around to head home.
Park and Shaun pack up, piling their reference materials to one side and closing down their tablets. Claire opens her laptop to check her charts. "You guys go ahead. I only have five more charts to look over."
"You sure?" Park asks. Grabbing a stack of items to take with him.
"Yeah, I won't be long. See you tomorrow." Park smiles at her and heads toward the door, Shaun in tow.
Shaun stops before making the turn into the hallway. "Thank you for being happy for me and Lea. You give very good advice." He then trails behind Park towards the elevators.
Claire watches them leave and then sinks heavily into her chair. Maybe one day she'll have her life in order. But that day is clearly not today. She glances at the time on her watch and returns to her work.
TBC