Chapter Eight
Neil walks slowly from Audrey's office feeling especially weary – and today it has little to do with his injuries.
The last of the day shift is departing, and most of the offices in the surgical wing are dark. He, Audrey, and Glassman had agreed to meet on the later side. It's when Audrey and Glassman had time available in their busy schedules, but also it's so Neil can avoid prying eyes and well-meaning conversations with staff that would wear him out.
And they'd had a lot to discuss, namely, his future. They'd been going back and forth about it all week with Audrey encouraging him to think about his options and come back to them with realistic expectations for what he wants going forward.
He's had too many quiet hours at home to think about it, in fact.
Audrey's input had been helpful when they'd talked it over at dinner the other night. He'd visited his sister and ran errands. Mostly he rested combined with bouts of cleaning or tackling some DIY project he'd been meaning to do. There are a lot of question marks about his future as a surgeon and it frightens him. The almost constant isolation makes it hard to clear his head or distract himself from the difficult decisions he needs to make.
He knows it's not healthy, but he wishes he could talk to Claire. Unfortunately, he hasn't laid eyes on her in almost a week.
They've texted back and forth a bit. Nothing overly friendly. He feels terrible about how things had gone the last time they'd sat together in-person, though he can't quite find the words to bring it up to her. He'd been exhausted, scared, and rightfully concerned about the consequences of giving in to his feelings for her. Too many voices were pushing him toward the most daunting thing he could do in his life – tell Claire how he feels and hope for some kind of chance to be happy. The worst part is he can tell she feels something for him too. Yet he's the one that backed off.
He's such an idiot.
And the conversation he's just had with Audrey and Glassman is an important part of the conversation he should have with Claire. Now he just needs to figure out how to get her alone so they can talk – really talk without prying eyes or awkwardness. After how he's treated her, he doesn't blame her for wanting to keep her distance.
Neil heads to the elevator to make the short drive home, then remembers there are a few things in his office he'd like to pick up before he leaves. He's just about to divert his path down that hallway when he sees Park and Shaun heading for the elevator themselves, probably on their way home.
"Look what the cat dragged in," Park says, grinning, reaching out to shake Neil's hand and pat him on the arm. Next to him, Shaun looks pleased to see him as well, in his own way.
"Dragged is right," Neil replies. "Word to the wise, don't ever get hit with a beam during an earthquake and have reconstructive surgery on your gut. It's not worth the days off."
"Park laughs. "What are you doing around here? Hoping to pick up a late-night surgery?"
"Oh, I think I've had enough surgery for the week. Just checking in with Lim and Glassman about my schedule. Looks like you're going to have to do without for a little while longer."
"Well, you're missed," Park assures him.
"It's not the same without you breathing down our necks," Shaun offers. Neil grins at his joke, glad for the warm reception from his team.
"You headed out?" Park asks, hitting the down button.
"I was, but I need to pick up a few things from my office."
"Oh, good. Claire's still in the lounge finishing up charts if you want to say hi." Park smiles a little too innocently and backs into the elevator, pulling at Murphy's sleeve. "Don't be a stranger." Shaun waves and follows Park into the elevator.
Neil shakes his head not knowing what to make of those two. But he appreciates the warning. If he's going to run into Claire tonight, it helps to have a moment to collect himself.
Stalling in the hallway, he checks the time and it's enough for a decent idea to form. Now all he needs is for Claire to play along.
He heads to his office, noticing the light on in the distance. As he gets closer, he sees Claire in profile, settled in one of the chairs in the lounge. She has her laptop nestled into her and a stack of casefiles on the table in front of her. Periodically, her graceful fingers fly across the computer keys in short spurts. Her hair is down today, braided away from her face as usual with a little bun on top. A few stray strands have escaped and she's pushed them behind her ear. The conference table is piled with reference materials neatly stacked on one end, and he spots her doctor's coat thrown over the back of a chair. As on many other occasions when he's discovered her toiling away in the lounge alone, she's reclined in the seating area as she unwinds in her bright sleeveless blouse, bronzed arms on display.
Slowing down, he silently watches her during his approach, wondering what kind of reception he'll receive form her. Only one way to find out.
The lights are dim in the boardroom next to hers and in his office of course, so she doesn't notice him until he's opening the door. She looks up with a tiny smile on her lips, probably thinking it's Park or Shaun having forgotten something. When she registers his presence, her smile fades and her eyes go wide, as if she doesn't quite believe he's standing there in front of her. He walks in and lets the door shut behind him before leaning casually against the frame, gazing at her with a friendly smile. There's an excitement to being in her presence again, and he simply enjoys taking her in.
And then her face brightens into this shining, joyful eruption of delight that he wants to seize and hold onto forever.
"It's good to see you up and around," she says finally, looking him over. Her eyes drop to the crucifix he's wearing, that he never takes off now, for the reminder of his good fortune and his faith and a reminder of her generosity. He thinks she's going to get up and hug him, which he would very much welcome, but she checks herself and settles back into her chair.
He walks over to prop himself against the side of the couch, not too enthused about folding himself into a seated position just yet. "I am both up and around," he says, grinning. "A little slower than usual, but feeling okay."
"I'm glad to hear it," she says. "What are you doing here so late?"
"I had to grab a few things from my office." She frowns, maybe wondering why he'd make a special trip for that when Audrey could just deliver whatever he needs to him. "And I had a meeting with Lim and Glassman. You know about my 'future,'" he emphasizes in air quotes.
"Oh. Is everything okay?"
Neil thinks about the answer to that. It kind of depends, and it seems too early to say. How could he best explain all that to her?
"You know, I think you're going to be outrunning me for a while. I'm not quite up for our usual pace, but would you consider taking a walk with me? I can tell you all about it."
A tension in Claire eases. She considers the request, considers him. And then she nods silently, with a slight smile
Something eases within him too, and he returns her grin.
"I, uh, I just have a few charts to finish," she says, stammering adorably, a little nervous it seems.
"That's perfect. I need to grab a few things and take them to my car. Meet you out front in ten minutes?"
She looks at the pile in front of her, doing the mental calculations of how long it'll take. "Make it fifteen? I still need to stop by my locker."
"Fifteen is great. I was probably being too ambitious with ten anyway." This makes her laugh, and his heartrate speeds up slightly to hear that familiar sound.
He wanders into his office, and goes through his drawers, grabbing his spare keys, his laptop and a few files to take care of some administrative work at home. He doesn't bother to alert Claire when he leaves through his office door. She's intently getting through her charts, and he'll see her soon enough.
Fifteen minutes later, he watches her emerge from the front of the building right on time. She's now wearing a jacket with her purse draped across her body. They automatically head in the direction of their regular running route. He remains silent for a while, not yet ready to disrupt a return to their pleasant company after the last tense encounter. And it's nice to have the space to gather his thoughts. Claire has her hands in her pocket, seemingly content to stroll beside him until he's ready to talk.
They pass the food trucks by the hospital, busy with customers as people enjoy the mild weather out. He notices all the construction and repair going on in the aftermath of the earthquake's damage. Claire makes a cursory comment about how the city's closed off a few blocks two streets over, so now she has to circle the hospital to get to the parking garage.
Many aspects of his life are about to change for him, and he's hoping that her comfortable companionship isn't one of them.
"I talked with Lim and Glassman for a while tonight – all week really – about my medical leave and what's next for me," he says finally. "I think we all agreed that I'm going to be out for a while. Getting on the surgery schedule before I'm fully healed is out of the question. There's not much for me to do at the hospital if not that. Or rather, not much that I want to do."
Claire nods, expression unreadable.
"So, I'm taking a sabbatical, probably for a few months, but maybe longer. I haven't decided." Claire slows next to him, in a bit of shock judging by her slack jaw and wide eyes. "I'm coming back, of course. I'm owed the leave after you and the others finish up with your residencies, so it's not a huge deal to take it early. But after everything this past week, now is when I should give myself some time."
"I see," she says, resuming their walk. They turn into the park, a favorite spot of theirs for having well-lit paths and interesting views.
"Who knows, maybe I'll get into some research. When I'm up to it, maybe I'll travel. Take my sister on a trip to visit my parents."
Claire smiles. "She'd probably like that."
"I know. I would too," he replies, wistful.
There are a good number of people out tonight, a few runners, but mostly walkers like them. The evening hour and good weather haven't forced people indoors for the night just yet.
"I think that sounds nice. You deserve a break." She glances at him, laughing to herself. "If you needed to get away from us residents for a while, there are easier ways to do it than getting yourself knocked around during an earthquake."
Neil chuckles along with her for a moment, but his humor fades quickly, replaced by something tense and undefinable. "We agreed on something else tonight, Lim, Glassman and I." She blinks up at him, curious. "When I come back, whenever that is, I won't be your Attending anymore."
This time, Claire does stop in her tracks, turning to face him as if demanding an immediate explanation.
Sighing, he directs her to a bench looking onto downtown. "It's good for me to rest for a bit," he explains. Claire checks him over for any sign of discomfort or injury as he gingerly eases into a sitting position. It's an easy distraction from the news he's just dropped on her. "I'm fine, just taking it easy. Don't worry." She nods and sits down next to him.
"I don't understand. Why wouldn't you be our Attending anymore? Andrews is filling in now and it's fine, but …" She seems unable to articulate the arguments for why she and her colleagues want or need to finish out their residencies with him. He has to admit, it makes him feel good to be appreciated in this way. Then he notices her escalating distress. "Is this about what I said—"
"No!" he says, cutting her off. "No, Claire, that's not … you're not …" He sighs, now a bit distressed himself at having upset her. "This is about me being out of commission for longer than you have time for with the program. I'm proud of you all, and it upsets me, too, to feel as if I'm abandoning you."
Claire relaxes, though she still seems tense. "I know you're not abandoning us, Neil. You need to take care of yourself. It's just … a big deal." Her shoulders unclench and she appears more accepting of the news. "We'll find some way to cope without you." He smiles at that. "I know we'll miss you. I'll miss you," she admits, almost as if she's afraid to say it out loud.
"I'll miss you, too," Neil says, holding her gaze. "And I'll likely be right here with you eventually, just not in the same capacity. Even when I come back, I'll need to ease into surgeries, take a lighter schedule, more administrative duties. Supervising residents is grueling. And I have to face the fact that I won't be up to that for a while. I don't think it's fair to any of you or to myself to just waltz back in for the last leg of your residency and make you limp along with me. If I'm even able to stay at this hospital."
Claire shakes her head. "There's no way the board would let you go. I'm sure of that. But if it's what you want in the end, you should consider it. Glassman would hate that, of course," she jokes.
Neil hopes her pointing that out means maybe she'd hate it too.
"I'd like nothing more than seeing the four of you through to the end. I want to jump back into my regular life and continue as if none of this near-death stuff happened. But I know I can't. And there are things I want that I didn't fully realize until now," he says, never shifting his eyes from hers. "I want some time to heal and figure out how to be the surgeon I was before my injury. I want to spend time being thankful that I'm still around to have options of what to do with my life, enjoy things I keep putting off." He sighs. "Almost dying really does a number on you."
"I imagine so," Claire says softly beside him, no longer looking at him but out into the city. He admires the beauty of her in profile, the strength he gets from simply sitting at her side. An overwhelming urge for her to understand what she means to him becomes all he can process.
He leans into her briefly to get her attention again. "About that. I've wanted to tell you this since I woke up from surgery, but I couldn't seem to find the right words to get at what I need to say."
Next to him, he feels Claire's body tense, her breath hitch and that cute little furrow in her brow appear
"Claire, you saved me. Audrey and Andrews were a big part of it too, but at the end of the day, it was you. Thank you."
Shaking her head, Claire chuckles either at him or at herself over her reaction to his admission. "No, I was just in the right place at the right time. You were too stubborn to die on an operating table."
"And I was too stubborn to get help when I needed it. Whether it was luck or divine intervention or whatever you want to call it, I'm grateful. For you."
Claire looks away shyly. "Well, I think it was all you." She glances back at him. "You're going to be okay, Neil. No matter what happens or where you go or for how long."
Neil nods. "And I'm sorry for being a jerk the last time I saw you. There was a lot in my head that I hadn't sorted out, and I kind of took it out on you. It wasn't right."
"It's fine, Neil," Claire says. "I was being emotional, anyway. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"You didn't," he assures her. "I was just in my own head. Scared about so many things, especially how to deal with this surprising, complicated thing that snuck up on me." She stares at him, a question in her expression, and apprehension as well. Neil sighs. "It's difficult not to feel as if I have to protect you. I know I can overcompensate sometimes." They both smile at that.
Claire's eyes soften as she lets his words sink in. "Neil, I'm a grown woman, capable of making her own reasoned choices and living with the consequences. And I'm your colleague, hopefully your friend, too." He nods, agreeing. "I don't need you to protect me. I just want you to be honest with me, even if what you have to say is hard or sad."
"That," Neil responds, "is a reasonable thing to ask. "I'll try my best to be a good friend. No matter what."
He takes in and lets out a deep breath, happy to have cleared the air. Claire seems more relaxed as well. They sit comfortably on the bench for long minutes, enjoying the evening and each other's easy company.
Finally, he smiles at her, a playful glint in his eye. "Now that I got that off my chest, I do have something else I want to tell you, though.
Catching his merriment, she glares at him suspiciously. "Well, me too. I go first?" Neil nods, amused by her bossiness. "I figure I should get some things off my chest, too, after your brush with death. You know, don't wait around to tell the people in my life how I really feel."
"Okay," Neil says, wary.
She takes a deep breath. "I want you to know," she pauses to turn her body more fully toward him. "I want you to know that I hate your tattoo. Seeing you in a hospital gown reminds me that there's just no making it look dignified. There's way too much antler on that thing.
Neil can't stop looking at the beautiful way her face brightens when she smiles. He joins in, also turning more fully toward her. "And I wanted to say that on my deathbed, the main thing I kept going back to is that you are a such a terrible bowler." Claire erupts in laughter, likely because she knows it's true. "You're probably the worst I've ever seen. Gutter balls all over the place, no socks for the rental shoes, that terrible pink ball? Just awful."
She reaches over to shove him playfully, and he uses the opportunity to take her hand in his. His emotions are right at the surface and her warm hand grasping onto him without hesitation is enough to make his heart soar. Intertwining their fingers, he looks down at her until he has her attention again. The expression on her face is so full of wonder and determination, all aimed at him
He won't deny himself this any longer. It's time to be brave. If she'll have him.
"I love you," he murmurs down to her.
She closes her eyes at hearing those words from him as if savoring them, committing them to memory. When she reopens them, it's with a lovely, open acceptance.
"I love you, too."
Her smile is a modest, pure light to his heart. A tear forms at the corner of her eye and he lets go of her hand to reach up and wipe it away before it can fall. Scooting over closer on the bench, she leans into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He eases his arm around her, finally holding her to him after so many moments of wanting her in his embrace like this. She reaches for his hand and entwines their fingers again. When he looks down, it's straight into her eyes that stare up at him with a misty contentment, as if she's come home after a long, rough journey.
An eternity would be too short a time to sit with her here like this. He's going to fight for this and live with the collateral damage. He knows in his gut – his battered, reconstructed, and slowly healing gut – that she's worth it. He's always known it deep down.
His eyes wander to her soft cheek, her pink-stained lips still upturned. Lifting his hand to her face, he traces the lines at her brow and the beauty marks highlighting her lovely features. She grins against his fingers at her mouth, and he can feel her pulse jump against his palm at her neck. The hum of satisfaction from deep in her throat when he cups her face is his undoing.
Unable to hold back one more second, he leans down and presses his lips to hers.
It's a slow tasting of each other as he increases the pressure of his mouth on hers, her bottom lip moist between his. He drowns in the sure response to him as she goes in for more. He feels her hand grip his thigh before moving up his chest as they deepen their kiss, the soft sounds of mouths and tongues exploring freely and hungrily while never getting enough.
There's a vague awareness that they're in a public space making out for all the world to see, but that doesn't deter him from dipping into her again and again, her meeting him every time. Finally, she pulls away, needing to catch her breath, but staying squarely in his personal space. He rests his cheek on the top of her head and breathes her in, feeling the moments pass by. And he's so thankful for this time to make things right with her
"I've wanted to do that for a while," he says into her hair.
"I know the feeling," she says, rubbing his chest. "You've certainly made up for lost time."
"I knew there was no going back for me. It's terrifying," he chuckles.
"And now? Is it worth the risk?" She asks carefully, though she likely already knows the answer. Feels it in the way he kisses her and holds her.
"It is." He kisses her again, lets it linger for a moment before pulling away. "So, you ready to head back? I think I'm rested up."
She snickers as she stands from the bench and helps him carefully to his feet. "Lead the way." He offers her his arm and she takes it immediately, snuggling into his side. They make their way out of the park and back onto the sidewalk that will return them to the hospital.
"I was thinking," he says.
"Uh oh. This ought to be good," she teases. He pushes into her shoulder and she giggles next to him.
"I'm wondering about all the things we can do together now. You know, real date things. In the past week, you've twice gotten my shirt off me, had your hands deep into my internal organs. The least I can do is take you out to dinner." He loves that he can make her laugh so openly. "Or we could go dancing or to see a show. Well, maybe not dancing for a while.
Claire shakes her head. "Neil, we've pretty much been dating for weeks. That ship has sailed." Looking back on it, the dinners, the bowling, the movie they'd seen one rainy afternoon – he supposes she has a point.
"Right. Okay, our first official dates then." They discuss a few options, she suggests a drive down the coast, he teases her about her improving her bowling skills. She goes on to fill him in on hospital gossip, and he tells her about visiting Marta and hearing yet again about her beer engine save. Her cackles fill him with butterflies when he tells her he doesn't regret missing that because he would have found it too damn sexy. It'd be no good for the patient if he had to make out with her in the middle of surgery.
This new overtly playful side to them is exciting. Freeing.
As they approach the hospital entrance, she releases his arm, not wanting to announce to the world quite yet what they are to each other. Neil understands, but he already misses the comfort of her so close.
"I think we should stay in for our first date," Claire declares. "You need to rest. And you can do that by cooking for me."
"Oh, I'm the one cooking?" he laughs, rather liking the idea.
She rolls her eyes. "You are the one on leave. And I know you're bored." She's got him on that point. They stop in front of the building. "So, maybe this weekend?"
"No," Neil says, firm in his rejection. "I mean, it won't be much of a dinner for me since I'm not quite up to a normal diet." Claire looks away, embarrassed at not having thought of that. He places a finger on her chin and returns her attention to hin. "And I don't think I can wait that long anyway. "How about tomorrow after you're done here?"
Laughing, Claire nods. "It's a date. A real one this time."
Although they're standing close – closer than two platonic friends would be standing – neither wants to potentially draw unwanted attention to their change in relationship status. Neil kicks himself for not stealing another kiss a block or two before they'd arrived. Instead, he briefly takes her hand and squeezes it once before dropping it again.
It seems she doesn't want to leave his company either. She continues to stand with him, now putting her hands in her pocket for the same reason he's done the same – so he won't reach for her.
"So," she says, breaking their stalemate. "Just to be clear, are you or aren't you my boss tomorrow night when I show up."
Neil pretends to ponder it. "Well, I'm on medical leave pending sabbatical and then reassignment. So, I'm thinking, no."
She muses on his answer, tucking a few stray curls behind her ear. "Good. I'd hate to break any protocols." Although her words sound serious, the playful expression on her face says otherwise.
"We couldn't have that, Dr. Browne. Bases covered." He feels as if his every emotion is written all over his face when he stares down softly at her. "We'll just have to find another name for us."
When she smiles and then looks away, not quickly enough to hide the adoring response to his words, he knows they're both lost. And he can't wait to get swept away in this with her.
"I'll see you tomorrow then?" He takes a few steps backward, reluctant to break his view of her. Claire nods, still smiling. "Thanks for the walk."
"Anytime." She takes a few steps away herself before turning and heading toward the parking garage. He catches her looking back once, grins adorably, and then picks up her pace across the street. When he sees her greet the security guard at the entrance, he retreats to the parking lot around the corner.
"Anytime," he repeats to himself.
TBC