Roughly ten minutes later, Terlin and I got into my dad's old car, ready to drive to Cassie's barn. If the other Animorphs had plans for that afternoon/evening, they'd cancelled them in lieu of Jake's guarded message.
"Hey, Jake? You always talk like that on the phone?" I'd asked, having caught the end of the conversation.
"Always. We can't be sure that their family member's aren't Controllers, and the phone lines could be bugged," Jake had explained.
In a paranoid way, it made sense. Well, probably not the bugging the phone line part, but the other Animorphs having parents or siblings who might be infested.
"Why not trail them to see if they visit the Yeerk Pool?" I'd wondered.
Jake shrugged. "We don't know every available entrance. Anyway, it's safer to assume that anyone could be infested, or might become infested later."
I'd sighed, not able to dispute any of this. "Yeah," I'd agreed, putting an arm around his shoulders. "You're paranoid, but you probably have a good reason to be."
Before leaving, I'd left a note for my parents, telling them that Jake and I were going to be out, but we wouldn't miss my curfew. I figured that they wouldn't mind, since we were together. I didn't include in the note what we were doing, but "hanging out" was a standard acceptable answer as long as you made it back by curfew. Especially on a weekend.
Given that it was a Saturday, we had until midnight to be back. Since it was only 3:00 in the afternoon, I didn't think we'd need the full nine hours.
At the next red light, I turned to Jake. "Hey. You doing okay, Midget?"
He nodded. "I trust you, Jake. It's..."
"The others you're worried about?" I finished, gently.
"Yeah," he explained, managing a small smile.
"I understand." I grinned at him, hoping to lighten the mood. "You know, I feel really bad that I was giving you annoying nicknames in my head all this time. But you were a perpetual grouch towards me for the last year and a half."
I felt-rather than saw-Jake roll his eyes. "I wasn't that bad."
"Well, I was pretty sure you started hating me ever since that first Sharing meeting. Which, by the way, I was so relieved was your last. One of the only fights I had with Terlin was what to do if you did get interested in joining." I sighed. "Back then, I figured that it just would have been awful, even if we'd managed to get you a decent Yeerk like Terlin. But I can't imagine it being anything less than a disaster, now."
Jake shuddered. "I got infested, once. For three days."
I froze. "When was that?"
"You remember the hospital clinic? Over a year ago?" Jake asked me.
"Sure. You guys burned it down." I recalled, grinning in spite of myself.
"Not quite burned it down, but we boiled up most of the Yeerks in that pool," Jake explained.
"Most?" I echoed.
"Some Controllers came in mid boiling. They shot at us. I fell in...long enough to be infested by the Yeerk who was assigned to host the governor. He-" Jake broke off.
Someone honked at us, and I realized the light had changed to green. I pressed my foot to the accelerator, but moved a hand to Jake's shoulder.
"Impatient jerk," I grumbled. Turning to Jake for a split second, I added, "Next light, okay? If you want."
"Yeah. Okay."
God must have been smiling on us, because less than ten seconds later, we got another red light. I recognized this as an exceptionally long one, and there were at least ten cars ahead of us. We might not make the first cycle.
I'd never been so happy to be stuck at a red light.
"Midget?" I asked, gently. "Only if you want."
Jake took a deep breath. "Well, he sure wasn't like Terlin. His old host, before me, was a teenager. A guy. Told me he'd controlled him for over a year, and he broke in less than three months. That they all did, sooner or later. He showed me some of his memories ever since he was infested...I'd never met the kid, but, Tom, it was awful." He shuddered. "He told me that he was also waiting in line to feed when they got you? And showed me everything they did to you."
I put a hand on Jake's shoulder. Wished he hadn't seen that. "I joined because there was a cute girl in my class who was a member. Kept going to meetings. Thought she was seeing someone else. And burst into a full members only meeting. Probably, on a regular day, it would have resulted in me being kicked out by Chapman. But Visser Three was there, and he wasn't morphed. They dragged me down to the Yeerk Pool on the spot."
Jake nodded. "Yeah. He showed me you fighting like crazy. Then, them shoving your head in, and you going quiet."
A quick glance at the light told me it was still red. I turned my focus back to Jake. "Midget, I promise you. That was the worst part. Terlin gave me control, like, less than five minutes after he was in my head. Sure, I was freaked out as hell, but it sounds like what you went through-that was hell."
"I kept thinking, afterwards, that you were going through that every day. With a Yeerk just like him," Jake admitted. "And every day, I felt so guilty, because I couldn't save you."
"I'm glad you didn't do anything," I answered, truthfully. "I mean, Midget, if you'd kidnapped me and tried to starve Terlin, he'd have gone through a huge amount of pain for no reason, and I'd either be in hiding or possibly with another Yeerk who was way worse."
"Hiding, probably," Jake determined. "But, we figured that if you just went missing..."
"Hey. I get it," I reassured him. "Jake, I feel awful that you had to go through all of that. Infestation with a jerk, but also over a year of thinking that I was suffering the way you did."
Another honk, and I rolled my eyes as I moved my car forward.
"Thanks," Jake murmured.
I smiled. "Love you, Midget. Sorry if that's sappy."
He laughed, a little. "It's okay. I love you, too, Tom."
Terlin, I noticed, was being fairly quiet in my head. Probably just observing everything.
(You okay, there?) I asked, keeping most of my focus on the road.
(Oh yes, Tom,) he assured me, smiling mentally. (Just a little bewildered at how complex this all became.)
(Welcome to Human Relationships 101,) I joked. (By the time we're finished with the empire, you'll have a masters degree.)
He chuckled. (Clearly.)
Ten minutes later, we arrived at Cassie's barn. I wasn't entirely sure what was going to happen. Obviously, Terlin would have to leave my head. I wished I'd thought to ask Jake to have Cassie provide a glass of water for Terlin, but there had to be some sort of container or something available, since the animals needed to drink water. If not, well, we could always improvise. Outside of this...well, I just didn't know what to expect.
I didn't think that Jake did, either. He believed me, and while part of me hoped that this was enough, I also realized that he and the others had been spending the better part of two years fighting a war against the same type of aliens that-one of which-was now on our side. Living in my head. For that entire duration. Who had never been an enemy, but was only recently an ally.
Yeah. Things just got even more complicated.
Rachel was my cousin, so her face was a familiar one, but I didn't know his friends as well. Sure, Marco and Jake had grown up together, but he'd always been the best friend of my kid brother. Sweet kid, with a horrible sense of humor, and then his mom died-well, except she hadn't. I only knew a little about Cassie. Mostly that they liked each other and had been to at least one school dance. I knew that Aximili-Ax-was the sole Andalite of the group, and that he fought battles in his Andalite body. Tobias...I remembered Jake telling me that he'd been bullied at school before the war began. Also, he had been trapped as a red tailed hawk, but this creature called an Ellimist gave him back his morphing powers, including a morph of his human body. So, he was morph capable, but only as a hawk. If he stayed in his human body for more than two hours, he'd be trapped as a human. Which was essentially the same as any human being who didn't have the power to morph, but then he'd be completely out of the fight.
He also didn't have any real family, so there wasn't much motivation for him to become a human nothlit.
Four kids, a morph capable red tailed hawk, and one Andalite kid. Two of whom were directly related to me. Against an army of Yeerks.
Kicking butt.
Okay. I was more than kind of proud.
We all stood around in a sort of circle around the bird section of the barn, and Cassie handed me a glass of water. "For Terlin, when we're ready."
I raised my eyebrows. "When?"
Marco spoke up. "We figure we should hear from Tom without any sl-I mean, Yeerk, in his head. Soon."
"I agree," Jake added. "He spoke to me without Terlin, but you guys should hear from him, too."
I nodded in agreement.
"The problem is," Rachel spoke up, "we know that Jake believes you, Tom, but you might not be telling the truth."
I frowned, just a little. "Why would I lie about him?"
(He could be blackmailing you,) Tobias explained. (Leaving your head to let Jake think that you're talking on your own, but checking up on you to make sure you're following his script.)
"If I hated him, I could just killed him when he left my head earlier today. Or, at least, not let him reinfest me," I pointed out.
"Sure," Marco allowed, "But, Tom, you've been his host for, what? Almost two years? You could be used to it, without realizing it."
I noticed how close Jake was standing to me when he spoke up. "You think Tom wouldn't know if he's being tortured?"
(If not tortured, at least manipulated,) Ax put in. (Yeerks are very clever creatures, and they have full access to their host's thoughts and memories. It's not out of the question that Tom has been manipulated all this time, without realizing it.)
"If that was the case," I pointed out, trying to keep my voice level, "why would Terlin bother with joining the Peace Movement?"
"To get close to us. To turn us in, and get a promotion," Marco explained.
"He didn't find out about you guys under after he agreed to join the Peace Movement," I interjected, making every effort to sound reasonable.
"He got lucky. Or, he suspected something, and agreed to join in order to turn us in," Marco amended. "Tom, no offense, but you don't see what goes on in his head."
I found this to be pretty far fetched, but, well, it wasn't like I could disprove it. How can you prove that someone didn't commit a crime that hadn't taken place?
(They're paranoid, but they have every right to be,) Terlin reminded me, softly. (Their lives and their freedom have been at risk. Marco's mother is the host body of Visser One. Jake has spent nearly two years believing that you would kill or infest him if he let anything slip. We need to do whatever we can to reassure them.)
(Short of letting one of them into my head, I don't see how that's possible,) I objected.
(Then...) Terlin left the sentence hanging.
I sighed, mentally. Well, if it had to come down to this... (Well, if it will make them feel better...but honestly, Terlin, after this, you seriously owe me.)
He chuckled. (I know, Tom. I know.)
Realizing I hadn't spoken for the better part of a minute, and that no one had, I cleared my throat.
"Right. Okay, then. Terlin and I think that one of you should morph Yeerk and infest me. Go through my memories of the last couple of years. See that he's not a empire loyalist waiting to get some promotion, and I'm not...naive," I explained.
They all looked extremely uncomfortable at this solution. I remembered that Cassie had morphed a Yeerk before, even infested Mr. Tidwell. Just for a half hour or so, to get to the Yeerk Pool to save Aftran. He hadn't spoken much about the experience beyond that, but I imagined it had been downright awkward for both of them.
"Tom, that would be extremely invasive," Jake objected, looking around at his friends. "There has to be another way to know you both can be trusted."
Like what?
I folded my arms across my chest, then uncrossed them. "How? Short of making Terlin morph capable, having him morph me, and then infesting him, I don't think there is. And then, you'd have a second morph capable Yeerk on your hands, and one you don't even know if you can trust before infesting him," I argued. I took a deep breath. "Look, guys, I've been a Controller for almost two years. Sure, you'll see stuff I don't want you to see, but if that's the only way to know that we're on your side..." I shrugged. "Yeah, it will be totally weird and uncomfortable. For me and whoever infests me. But, this is war. We're kind of past anything remotely comfortable."
Everyone sort of nodded, looked around.
"I guess you're right," Jake allowed. "If you're sure, Tom."
"I am."
Well, as sure as I could be, anyway. I just knew that this was the only option that made sense and would remove their suspicions.
Including any that Jake might still have about me.
"How should we do it?" Jake wondered. "Pick straws, or something? Tom? Do you...?"
I took a deep breath, considering. (Terlin? Any ideas?)
(Cassie,) he answered, without hesitation. (She befriended Aftran, and is the only one who's morphed a Yeerk. She will have more practice with controlling the instincts, and you'll feel the most comfortable with her. You also aren't related to her, so she'll be more objective than Jake or Rachel.)
It all made sense. (Yeah. Okay.)
"I want Cassie to do it. She's the only one who's morphed Yeerk before," I answered. "Midget, Rachel, you're family. You'd never look at me the same way again."
"I'm sure that can be said for any one of us, and about any one of us," Marco pointed out.
Everyone else kind of shuddered at this mental image.
"Cassie?" Jake asked, glancing at her. "Is that okay with you?"
She nodded, but I thought that she looked a little sick at the idea. "Yeah. I'll do it. But, Tom, I'm not really an expert on this morph. I can try to limit what I see, but..." She trailed off.
(Tom? Mind if I speak up?) Terlin asked me. (I won't take full control.)
(Sure, go ahead.) I sent him a mental smile.
"Cassie, it's Terlin," he answered, keeping his tone level, calm.
"Oh, hi," she replied, giving him a small smile.
"Since you'll be infesting Tom"-I gave Terlin points to using my name instead of "my host" or, even worse, "my host body"-"and your experience with infestation is naturally limited, would you like me to provide you with some...tips?"
"Just so we're clear," Marco intervened, "Tom's Yeerk is going to give Cassie help on how to infest Tom and get all the necessary information from his brain."
"Marco, shut up," Jake and Rachel both snapped.
I had to laugh inside my head. Not that Terlin had taken full control, but either of us laughing out loud would have been completely out of line.
"I meant no offense," Terlin offered.
Cassie shook her head. "None taken. Anyway, we all want to get through this with as little trauma as possible."
She allowed herself a small smile, and I suspected the last part was meant as a joke. Well, to an extent.
Terlin smiled at her. "When you're searching Tom's memory, it will be difficult to limit the search just to the period we're talking about. Human memory isn't exactly organized into files like it would be on a computer, with each one stamped with a date of origin. As you probably encountered with Mr. Tidwell, you'll come across memories that have no relevance to what you're looking for, in a general sense. Rather, they'll appear because he was remembering them."
Cassie frowned, just a little. "Oh, that's what happened? When I saw scenes from his life?"
She didn't elaborate, and I was glad. It wouldn't be right. Our teacher's memories were private, and Mr. Tidwell even letting Cassie into his head must have been a huge sign of trust and faith in her. Revealing what she saw when she was there, no matter how mundane the memory, would definitely be a breech of that trust.
"It's possible," Terlin confirmed. "I wouldn't know without being given a summary of the memories you saw, and I think we can all agree that this wouldn't be appropriate," Terlin added, looking around the room. "With Tom, you'll see a lot that he might not want you to see, and what you don't want to see. There's simply no way around it. But, you will be able to watch the events that unfolded since he became my host."
"How long is this going to take?" Cassie wondered. "We can only stay in a morph for two hours before we're trapped. Am I going to need to demorph and remorph several times?"
Terlin shook my head. "No," he answered, gently. "Even allowing for the time spent seeing memories you're not looking for, it probably won't take as long as an hour. Were you to review the entirety of Tom's life, it would not take a full two hours."
(Which you did when I was sleeping that first day,) I recalled.
(Yes,) he answered, gently. (I'm sorry about that, Tom.)
I gave a mental shrug. (You had to do it, I get it. Better when I was asleep and before I knew what was going on than when I was awake. It was sneaky, Terlin, but I know why you did it.)
(You also know that Cassie will see this,) Terlin acknowledged.
(And that it's pretty much the worse thing you did to me, and why you did it,) I allowed. (I mean, if that's what causes them not to trust you, or think you're some abusive empire Yeerk...)
I left the sentence unfinished. We both knew what I meant.
(Thank you,) he murmured, hugging me.
(Cassie probably won't know how to give mental hugs,) I noted as I mentally nestled into it. (You know I'll need some after she's finished.)
(I'll be ready,) Terlin promised. (With some very strong mental hugs.)
I smiled within my head, still enjoying my Yeerk's hug.
Cassie, meanwhile, was nodding her head. "I understand. Since I already have a Yeerk morph, I don't need to acquire you, do I?'
Terlin shook my head. "No. However, if any of your fellow warriors wish to acquire me, you have my permission. Even if you don't need to use it, you will always have the option of it on hand."
Jake nodded. "Not a bad idea. Especially if we need to get into the Yeerk Pool. All you guys, acquire Terlin, okay?"
It was an order, not a request. I remembered that Jake was their leader, after all, so while no one looked very happy at this, no one raised any protests.
After all, it wasn't like he was telling them to morph Terlin. Just acquire his DNA.
(Good idea,) I praised.
He smiled at me. (I'll see you soon. Hopefully, within an hour or so. Good luck, Tom. You can do this...and...)
(Thanks. You're cool, too, Terlin.)
We cared about each other-as symbionts. Still. It was kind of weird to say it aloud. Even inside my head.
I felt him disconnect from my head, and for the first time, I felt a pang. I didn't usually miss Terlin when he left even though I knew that a lot of voluntary hosts did. Maybe, I hadn't been infested long enough, or maybe I was at a better mental place than they were. I just knew that he'd be back in a couple of hours, and when you live with someone almost 24/7, it can feel a little claustrophobic. The two or so hours away from him every two and a half days was a nice, necessary break. Gave me time alone in my head, just to think my own thoughts and zone out, without the knowledge that Terlin was there, always observing me.
Not judging me, obviously. We were friends, after all. Still. No one spends that kind of time together in regular circumstances, and certainly not within the same head. I was always relieved when Terlin left my head, and happy when he returned. It was a literal mental break from him, and him from me. We'd even talked about it, once.
(It's not that I'm unhappy to have you as my host, but I need a break from you as much as you need one from me,) he'd told me, after about six months of sharing a brain.
(Nothing personal though, right?) I'd asked.
We'd been standing in line at the Yeerk Pool. He'd been in control, of course, and I was still antsy about that. I'd been looking forward to having my body under my control as much as a mental break from him.
(No, it's nothing personal, Tom,) he'd assured me, kindly.
Now, though, it was different. Terlin wasn't leaving me to feed for a couple of hours. He was leaving me to be infested by Cassie, the only Animorph who trusted any of the Yeerks, to have my brain searched so they could make sure that Terlin hadn't been torturing my into submission all this time.
I was sure that she'd go as easy on me as she could, but she wasn't Terlin. She wasn't a Yeerk, period. She was going to mess up, to see things I didn't want her to see.
To see things she didn't want to see.
Not that there was a better choice. Maybe Jake, if Cassie had been sick or something. I'd trust Jake with my life, especially now. But...it felt way too intimate. At least, now. Cassie was a few steps removed from Jake, even if they were kind of boyfriend and girlfriend.
Besides, she'd done this before. She wouldn't be fumbling around. At least, not as much.
I hoped, anyway.
I handed Terlin around, keeping my face calm as I did so. Everyone acquired him, and then I placed my Yeerk in a glass of water Cassie had remembered to provide. I had to keep myself from putting him back in my head, from saying that I no longer wanted to do this. That they could take my word or leave it.
This was the best thing for everyone.
Cassie crossed over and placed a hand on my shoulder. Which meant reaching up, because she was a few inches shorter than Jake, who was still almost a head shorter than I was.
"Thank you, Tom," she told me, voice quiet.
I managed a smile. "You're welcome. Okay, you ready?"
She nodded, frowning a little, but looking determined to see this through.
I watched as the changes began.
Everyone said that Cassie was the best morpher of the group. That she had this talent that Andalites called a streen or estreen or something like that.
It was still really, really ugly to watch.
I closed my eyes at the point that this slime covered her body, and gave her serious points for not screaming inside her head, or out loud. I didn't open them until Jake placed her, now fully Yeerk, inside my hand.
"Thanks, Jake," I managed.
He nodded, smiling a little. "Figured that was better than putting her in your ear."
I returned his smile. "I appreciate it."
I did, too. Frankly, I wouldn't have minded much if Jake had done that, but I was glad he'd given me this power. Before I could think too much about it, or before Cassie could begin to dry up, I placed her to my ear.
I felt a little more pain than I usually did when Terlin infested me, but he had been doing this for at least a hundred times, while Cassie was on her first time infesting me (and, I hoped, only). Anyway, the pain disappeared within a few seconds, and then there was just pressure as she made her way into my head.
I sat down on the floor, while I still could move by myself. As she progressed deeper into my head, I could feel myself starting to lose control.
Terlin had told me once that when a Yeerk infests a host for the first time, there's no way to avoid taking control. Something to do with laying out a path to the host's brain. After the first time, though, the Yeerk could make their way to the host's brain without taking control, even though it means resisting the instincts telling them to do so. Even if the Yeerk went for several years in another host, only to be given or reassigned a previous one. The Yeerk knew the path and could infest without taking control.
This wasn't something we put into practice. Until earlier today, Terlin's infestations of me took place in the Yeerk Pool, and he had to take control to keep our cover. I'd even been a little surprised that his "theory" had worked, back when he re-entered my head a couple hours earlier.
Like I said. I was used to it, and it had nothing to do with Stockholm Syndrome or Terlin beating me into submission. I'd just accepted that, for several minutes every two and a half days, Terlin would enter my brain after swimming around in the pool, and I wouldn't be able to move on my own until we were out of that horrible place.
Now, as Cassie took control, I wondered if she'd be able to let go once she was connected. It would be a lot easier for me if I could move my body while she was searching my memories.
On the other hand, I might flinch or say something I shouldn't if she came across a bad or embarrassing one.
So, really, it might be better if she kept control the whole time.
Well, I hoped, it wouldn't take much longer than an average full members Sharing meeting, which was the longest amount of time Terlin needed to take full control.
Not that it was fun, but at least, I was used to it.
Once I was completely imprisoned in my mind, I reached out to Cassie.
(Hey. Can you hear me?) I asked, trying to keep my tone reassuring, and all too aware of this irony.
She answered with my mouth. "Yeah, but I don't know how to send my thoughts to you."
(It's not hard,) I answered, patiently. (Pretend you're using thought speech, but think of me while you're doing it.)
I could feel her concentrate way harder than she needed to. (Like...this...Tom? Can...you...hear...me?)
(Yeah.) I gave her a mental grin. (Good job, Cassie.)
(Thanks,) she answered, laughing a little. (Sorry. I'm nervous.)
(That makes two of us,) I reminded her, gently. (Anyway, it's going to be awkward no matter what.)
(I know,) she sighed. (Tom, I'll try not to see stuff that you don't want me to. I mean, beyond that period...)
(I know,) I repeated. (It's okay, Cassie. Let's just, you know, get this over with.)
What I didn't say, but no doubt she could see, was that neither of us wanted her in my head any longer than necessary.
(Agreed,) she laughed.
"Okay," she spoke out loud. "I'm connected to Tom, and we can talk."
"How's he doing?" Jake asked her, and, as he spoke, he stood next to me.
(Tom?) Cassie asked me, gently.
(Tell him I'm fine,) I directed.
"He's fine. I'm...uh, in control," Cassie admitted, lowering my head a little.
(Hey, Cassie?) I told her. (I was thinking. It's probably better if you stay in control. I mean, figuring out could take a little while, and I'm not sure how long it will take you to see all of my memories. We don't want to cut it too close.)
(Okay, if you're sure you don't mind.) Cassie gave me a mental nod.
(I don't.) Much, anyway. (Hey. Are you doing okay? With all of this?)
Like Terlin, I could gauge her emotions, but I couldn't read her mind.
(I guess. It just feels invasive,) she admitted. (It is invasive.)
(That's kind of the point.) I gave a mental laugh. (But we're not going to make this a regular thing, and I know you're not relishing the idea of going through my memories. Anyway, it has to be done.)
(Right.) Cassie sighed. (Okay. Let's get started.)
I mentally steeled myself. (Go for it, Cassie.)
I felt Cassie sort of fumble around, then just open my memory. The first one she saw was a good one from my childhood. Jake and I were shooting hoops together. I was...maybe nine? And he had to be six or so. We were using one of those mini hoops, because even though I could manage a regular sized one, Jake was way too young for that. We were running around, bouncing the basketball, and I could see that I was playing with him, not competing. We were just having fun. Being kids.
It was a good memory. I felt myself relax in my head. I knew that I had way more good memories than bad ones, at least, that I could recall. At the same time, I realized, if Cassie kept opening up memories randomly, she'd probably come across some bad ones, and some embarrassing ones.
At least I'd never done anything past kissing with a girl. And not much of that.
Knowing that she could hear my thoughts, I felt pretty embarrassed.
(Sorry,) she murmured.
I gave her a mental shrug. (Hey, it's not your fault that you can read my thoughts in this morph, Cassie.) I thought for a minute. (Maybe, if I think about what happened that day, it will sort of start the whole process? And you'll more or less see the linear chain of events?)
(I guess,) Cassie answered, sort of slowly. (It can't hurt, anyway.)
So, I focused on that day...and then, the memories started.
Whether it was my thinking about that time or Cassie figuring out how to access my memories, I wasn't sure. But things seemed to flow pretty easily from there. I saw everything as though I was living through it again. Or, rather, like I was watching it on a TV in my mind. My being captured, tied up, then dragged by the Hork-Bajir. Me, fighting them like crazy, but to no avail. Having my head held down in the Yeerk Pool, not being able to breathe until Terlin crawled in and took control. Him introducing himself to Visser Three, and then being dismissed.
Then, him explaining Yeerks to me...and giving me back control. My relief at being able to use my body again. Then, my biking home, and taking a nap. Waking up a couple of hours later, still in control.
We both saw how gentle Terlin had been with me, from the beginning. How he'd spoken to me, truthfully, but reassuringly. Promising to do what he could to keep this from happening to my family, especially Jake. Of course, working within the confines of the empire, but still. He hadn't mocked me, hadn't forced me into a corner of my mind. He'd been sympathetic, even empathetic.
Remembering this, living through it again, made me appreciate how much Terlin had done for me. I would have been his host regardless, but he'd honestly tried to make this as easy on me as possible.
It also made it easier for me to go through this whole infestation with Cassie. The completely invasive-but necessary-experience of letting her in my head, control my body, and view a lot of my memories. I was doing this for Terlin. More than that, I was doing this for Jake, and for the Peace Movement.
The memories continued. As the countdown to the Terlin's first feeding drew to a close, I realized how important the question of whether or not I'd be voluntary had been. Even if he'd been willing to protect my family regardless, he could do so a lot easier if I was a voluntary host.
And I'd agreed. Maybe, at the time, I'd thought I'd been selling out in exchange for protecting my family. Some people would probably still think I was.
(I don't,) Cassie told me, taking a break from the memories. (You did the right thing, Tom. Can you imagine how disastrous it would have been if Jake had joined The Sharing? Or any of us? You did what you had to. To protect not just yourself, but all of us.)
I managed a mental nod. (It wasn't just about not being dragged to a cage when Terlin fed. And you know that he didn't hurt me or torture me into submission.)
(Yes. I know,) she agreed.
(But we still have to go through the rest of my memories,) I conceded. (Okay. Let's get it over with.)
The "worst" memory that Cassie saw was, of course, my confronting Terlin about having searched my memory. But even she could see that it had been necessary. Sneaky, sure, and maybe a violation of my trust. Well, what little trust I had, then.
(It was probably the most empire thing he did,) I told her, after she played back the memory. (Looking back, we'd both agree that he could have done it a better way.)
Cassie gave a mental nod, then a little laugh. (Aftran went through some of my memories as soon as she was in my head, the first time. She showed me hers, too. I can't really judge Terlin too harshly. Especially if you...well...forgive him.)
I did. She knew that.
We went through the rest of my memories. Nothing awful, just the everyday life of living with Terlin under the empire. She saw that Terlin always gave me control whenever he could, and she learned how how gentle/loose control worked. I relived the months of learning how to coexist as gentle Yeerk and voluntary host, with conditions placed Yeerks by the empire.
The only other memory that caused Cassie to mentally raise her eyebrows was our fight about Jake. When he'd been interested in attending a Sharing meeting, and I'd freaked out. Terlin had needed to take control against my will, in private, just for a couple of minutes, while I calmed down. But he hadn't hurt me, hadn't threatened me.
There wasn't too much that could be used against my Yeerk after that. But Cassie could see how hurt I'd been that Jake seemed, suddenly, to turn away from me. To hate me.
How we couldn't figure out why. That the only consolation meant that he definitely wouldn't join The Sharing to follow me.
(At first,) I told her, (we thought it was the basketball team. Because he hadn't made it. Then, we thought that it was something between you two. Finally, we figured it was teenage angst, even though that usually made guys like him hate their parents, not their older brother. It wasn't until we joined the Peace Movement that it all made sense.)
Cassie nodded mentally, sighing. (He was sure that you were suffering, especially after he'd been infested. He hated your Yeerk for hurting you. Even though Terlin wasn't. He'd say, sometimes, that he had to free you, but he didn't know how. If you went missing, they'd notice. So, we had to win the war, to free you.)
(I get it,) I told her.
I could imagine it all. Jake being infested, seeing my infestation from the mindset of a cruel empire Yeerk. Forced to relive his own worst memories during that time, and being shown how that slug had broken his human host before Jake. Then, of course, once Jake got freed, he must have been even more motivated to free me from my mental prison. Because, after all, weren't all Yeerks like that?
Of course not. But, Jake had no way of seeing this.
The truth was, even before Terlin had joined the Peace Movement, I didn't need to be freed.
Not like Midget had thought, anyway.
I liked Terlin, after all. Did I want to stay his host, especially full time, for the rest of my life? Honestly, I wasn't sure. If the Animorphs won and Yeerks and humans could get along, and I could choose when I wanted to be his host, I imagined that I might want to do it part time. Maybe, a few days a week. The other few days, he could have another host.
Or, maybe I'd feel differently after awhile. I knew that Mr. Tidwell, as well as other voluntary hosts, practically dreaded going to the Yeerk Pool because it meant being without their Yeerk for a couple of hours.
I was kind of glad I didn't feel that way about Terlin. It felt too...dependent.
At the same time, if I had to go without him for a week or so, I would probably miss him. I would feel some kind of loss without his presence, his voice in my head.
I mean, even now, I was looking forward to him being back in my head.
So, maybe, I was more dependent on him than I wanted to admit.
Finally, Cassie came upon to the last memory. Of me telling Jake everything, once Terlin was out of my head, and how he reacted.
(So?) I asked, once that was over. (You think you can vouch for him?)
She smiled at me. (Easily.) Then, after a pause, she added, (Thank you, Tom. I know this wasn't easy for you.)
I gave a mental shrug. (Yeah, well. This way, you know for sure. Anyway, I'm sure you were easier on me that Jake's Yeerk was on him.)
At her mental shudder, I knew she agreed.
"Okay," she spoke up, using my voice. "I'm leaving Tom's head now."
I felt control return to me as she disconnected from my brain, then leave my head. I turned away as she began to demorph to her human body.
I really didn't want to see that.
"Terlin can be trusted," Cassie told us, once she was fully human. "Like Tom said, he was decent to him from the beginning. They're friends, and he's on our side, now. We don't have anything to worry about, with either of them."
Jake grinned, and pulled me into a massive hug, which, naturally, I returned. To my surprise, once Jake let go, Rachel was next in line. She wrapped her arms around me, tightly.
"Glad you're okay, Tom," she whispered.
"Thanks, Xena," I murmured, holding her close.
She rolled her eyes at me-probably, my use of Marco's nickname-when we separated.
Marco made a face and gave my shoulder a little punch. "Great. Guess we have to trust that slug-face after all," he complained, but it was half-hearted.
(It would not hurt to have an ally on the inside,) Ax admitted. (As long as he remains out of my head.)
I turned to Jake, who shook his head, but smiled.
I got the message. Later.
(Glad you're on our side, Tom,) Tobias added, from the rafters. (We've all been worried about you.)
I grinned. "I feel so loved," I half joked. "Seriously, guys, I wish we'd been able to have this whole talk almost two years ago. Would have made it so much easier living with Mr. Crankypants."
Jake raised his eyebrows at me. "Mr. Crankypants? Really, Tom?"
I raised my hands in surrender. "Hey, I didn't realize you were fighting a war, here. I just figured you'd suddenly decided to hate me."
He stood next to me, wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Never you, Tom."
I fought a lump in my throat. "Yeah, well." I glanced at the glass of water. "Okay if the slug-face rejoins me?"
The rest of them murmured their consent, and I carefully removed Terlin from the water and held him to my ear.
Once he connected, I greeted him with, (You have a nickname.)
He groaned. (Slug-face? Really?)
(It was Marco's idea. He's good with nicknames,) I informed him.
Another groan. (What you mean is that I clearly have no choice in the matter.)
I didn't disagree.
(Hey, at least, it means you're official,) I ribbed. (Cassie vouched for you, so you're kind of one of them now.)
(We're one of them,) Terlin corrected.
(Yeah.) I smiled at him. (Glad you're back, Terlin.)
He hugged me, tightly. (Me too, Tom.)
Marco turned to me. "So, since you're basically a spy for us, is there anything we need to know right away?"
(Typical Marco,) Terlin laughed. (No. There's nothing going on.)
I sent Terlin a mental eye roll.
I shook my head. "Visser Three's still reeling over Aftran, but he's also making a point that she might have escaped his torture, she didn't escape a painful death."
Cassie grinned. "She's alive. We made her morph capable, and she's a humpback whale. Living far away in the ocean."
I grinned back. "Yeah, Mr. Tidwell and Illim told me about that. Not that we should make this public."
"What does the Peace Movement know about her rescue?" Jake asked me.
"That she got out of the pool alive, and she's still alive," I answered. "Illim didn't give them any other details. The thing is, we really don't know if she was captured because she was betrayed, or if Visser Three's sidekicks had been looking for her for the past six months or so. So, while we're not exactly going to accuse anyone in the Peace Movement of being a traitor..."
"It's better not to reveal everything to everyone," Marco assessed.
Marco, I recalled, was the one who could see the straight path from A to B. He would be the one to jump straight to the point.
"Basically," I agreed, nodding at him. "Of course, Terlin and I get to know everything because of Midget, here." I gave Jake a playful nudge in the ribs, which resulted in a good natured laugh from him. "And, besides that, Illim's basically the head of the Peace Movement, even though it's all unofficial. He's not like a Visser or anything to them. But, the others? They know as much as they need to. It's just safer, that way."
More nods. I knew that Cassie trusted the Peace Movement, or at least Illim and Mr. Tidwell, but the others were less certain.
I hoped that Terlin and my being a part of the Peace Movement could help with that. Not that we all had to be best friends and sing songs around the proverbial campfire, but we needed to be able to communicate and relay information to help them defeat the Yeerk empire.
Well, at least, they trusted us. That was a start.
I turned to Jake, first, then to the others. "Before we head home, is there anything else we need to go over?"
Everyone pretty much shook their heads.
"Okay. Then, we'll be in touch. Also, if you want us at any meetings, you know where I live," I added, smiling. Then, a little awkwardly, I added, "Or, if you want to talk or hang out. Jake can confirm that I'm not too bad at listening, and all that."
Jake stood close to me. "Yeah. He's pretty cool."
More came nods from the other humans in the group, and I thought I even saw some relieved looks on their faces.
I wrapped an arm around Jake's shoulder. "Ready to get going, Midget?"
He leaned against me, just for a second. Before realizing that his friends were watching us, and he was their leader. Then, he straightened, a little abruptly, and I let my arm go.
"Sure. See you later," he replied, and we headed outside.
A/N: Probably my longest chapter in awhile, but a necessary one. The most difficult part was figuring out how to work through Tom being infested by Cassie. He's used to Terlin, after nearly two years of sharing a brain with him, but a near stranger is something else entirely. Would it feel invasive? Of course. Uncomfortable? Yes, but, I also figured that Tom was used to a level of that, since Terlin always sees his thoughts and sometimes has to be in control of Tom's body. I imagine that doesn't go away. Like Tom noted when Cassie infested him, the process probably wouldn't take much longer than a full members Sharing meeting. On the other hand, the one thing I hadn't expected was for Tom to become immersed in seeing his own memories. It makes sense that it would happen this way, since he was asleep when Terlin first went through all of his memories, and the later times encompassed a couple of hours (when he fed at the pool). Spending an hour or so reliving his entire life as a Controller, and it being a generally good experience, would both make Tom appreciate Terlin, but also remove some of the uncomfortable feelings of temporarily not being in control, and having a near stranger search his memory. The result is something of a "this wasn't so bad, but let's never do that again".
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