Chapter Nine
Claire is nervous. She knows she shouldn't be but she is.
She sits in her car in the hospital's parking garage, phone in hand, about to text Neil that she's on her way. Should she offer to pick something up? He's already said his diet is limited, and he can't drink either. And even if he could drink, he likely has his own high-end liquor options and wouldn't need her corner store selection. Should she offer to park in his garage if he's worried someone will see her there? Or would that make her sound like he should be worried when he's not, and that then makes him start worrying because he thinks she's worried? Is she worried?
Ugh, this isn't helping. She needs to get a hold of herself.
Instead of spinning her wheels, she texts him a simple message that she's on her way. He responds right away with an emoji of the smiley face with the heart eyes and a 'see you soon.' It helps her calm down.
It's not until she pulls out of her parking space that she realizes she's still smiling at his message. How can she not light up knowing without a doubt that Neil loves her. Loves her as much as she loves him.
What happened with him last night had gone beyond anything she'd ever expected, full of tender revelations and admissions she hadn't let herself even consider. When he'd surprised her in the lounge, that boyish grin and casual demeanor about him, she'd wanted to keep her resolve, start building that distance she needed to get over him. Part of her wanted him to feel hurt by her cold shoulder the way he'd hurt her. Yet the reality of him, standing there looking at her with open kindness, jettisoned all her intentions. She was just happy to see him.
And she could tell something had changed with him. What it was, she'd had no idea, and it made her nervous.
As she'd finished her charts and he'd puttered around his office, she thought maybe he wanted to confront her about the strange vibe they'd struggled with for the last few weeks and move forward. Or maybe he'd want to address head on what she'd been about to say the last time they'd seen each other. Let her down gently. In the back of her mind was still Morgan's suggestion that a rekindling of his romance with Lim would make him want to do that sooner rather than later, clear the air and get it over with.
It's amazing how wrong she'd been.
When he started off talking about taking a sabbatical, she'd been shocked but not completely surprised. But when he'd revealed that he'd no longer be their Attending, something akin to devastation bubbled inside her. The idea of another abandonment cut too deep against her raw nerves. No matter how things worked out, she'd assumed he'd return to his routine at the hospital eventually. Even knowing the circumstances, she panicked thinking she'd played a part in pushing him to this.
Now, as they're about to take the next steps into this romantic unknown, she's thankful for this option to figure things out away from work; take things slow without prying eyes. It doesn't solve all their problems, but it solves the biggest ones.
After dropping that bomb, he'd slowly peeled back the layers of his feelings. He cycled through his sober reflections and his jokes at her expense. He signaled that maybe she'd been right to suspect something real between them. And then finally he gave her that quiet confession of love, and she fell over the edge. Utterly and completely.
The look of peace on his face when she told him she returned that love is a moment she'll remember always.
So lost in those memories, she doesn't realize she's almost to his place. She's only been there once before, a team dinner as a change of pace from their daily grind at the hospital. At the time, he'd just moved, so his living space had that pristine mid-century modern vibe she's curious if he's maintained. There are so many new things she can't wait to learn about him.
One thing's for sure, though. There will definitely be no sleeping over. Some cuddling is inevitable, and a bit of making out seems on the table. Of course, she finds him incredibly attractive, but until recently, it'd been in this abstract, off-limits kind of way. When Shaun had accused her of subconsciously flirting with Neil so long ago, she'd dismissed it and didn't give it much thought afterwards. She'd been with Jared and he with Jessica Preston and there were enough distractions for it to get lost in the shuffle. Looking back on it, though, she finds it rather funny how much they'd both flirted with each other over the years – an occasional wink from him, a girlish giggle from her at one of his jokes, a shared confidence or a sincere and personal word of encouragement. Since the beginning something had always pulled them toward each other.
And she's certainly had her share of fantasies about him. On his desk. In the lounge. Eventually in her bed.
However, she's still so scared about her boundaries with men and sex. And if there was ever a relationship she does not want to mess up, it's this one. She's hoping he cooperates on the no sex front. Because if she sees him without a shirt, even with the surgery scars, that might be tempting.
Or if he flirts with her too much.
Or if he's too sweet.
No, Claire, no contingencies, she chastises. Sex can wait. Loving him openly and freely is enough to hold her over for a while.
She pulls up at his house and parks, eager to see him but having no idea what to expect. Will he be nervous too? She hopes so because then she won't feel so emotionally at sea. Nothing else to do but to find out.
Claire cuts the engine and takes a deep breath. It doesn't quite ease the butterflies in her stomach. Then again, she rather likes that seeing him gives her butterflies. It reminds her of those innocent signs of her affection for him. She wonders if he's watching for her arrival, and it stirs the butterflies once more. She laughs to think of him wondering why she's hiding out in her car. She's wondering that herself. With one last shake of her head at her own silliness, she grabs her purse and exits her car, locking the door behind her. Taking her time on the walkway, she lets herself feel the anticipation and nerves along with the excitement and longing to see Neil.
Then he's standing in front of her in his doorway, looking as bemused at his own emotions as she. And he looks happy to see her.
It all feels so satisfying.
"Right on time," he says. He immediately moves aside to let her in.
She enters, close enough to feel the brush of his body against hers as she passes by, unbuttoning her jacket. Without missing a beat, he's helping her slide it off her shoulders so he can hang it up in the closet by the door. As he's doing that, she walks further into the room, cataloguing all the details that she remembers from the last time she'd been here and the things she hadn't noticed before.
Before she can get too caught up in taking in his new surroundings, she instead turns around and walks into his arms for a proper greeting. She reaches up to meet his kiss, a natural and almost instinctive impulse. She lets him guide the press of their bodies together, sensitive to his injury. But he seems unbothered by holding her close.
"Thanks for coming over," he murmurs in her ear as he hugs her. His embrace is full of comfort as he hums his contentment and gently rocks her before letting her go. "I have a very delicious smoothie to prepare for you as a unique first official date dining experience."
"I can't wait. I've been thinking about it all day."
"Have you?" he says, his voice laced with humor. "Your enthusiasm tells me that you must have eaten before you got here."
Claire laughs. "So cynical!" His expression is challenging, hers contrite as he guides her to the kitchen. "Okay, I may have had a bigger lunch than normal." The answer seems to please him at being right.
"Traitor. It's a good thing I like you." He leans down again for a kiss to confirm his thought. As promised, there are various items lined up on the counter – bananas, oats, protein, greens, and some kind of milk. There's also a blender and two large glasses with metal straws at the ready.
"Before we get to that, though, can I get the grand tour? The last time I was here, I had so many questions about how Dr. Neil Melendez lives his life."
"Oh really?" He leans against his counter, arms crossed. "Like what?"
Claire's exaggerated posture as she ponders his question seems to amuse him. "I'm thinking of burning questions like what's in Dr. Melendez's refrigerator?" Neil waves a hand at the items on the counter. "Or," she continues dramatically "how big is Dr. Melendez's closet? Is one of his guest rooms actually a weight room?" Claire then looks him up and down. "What does he wear when he's at home? I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen you in jeans." It's what he'd chosen to wear, along with a plain t-shirt, for their stay-at-home date. And it confirms that he looks sexy in pretty much anything.
At every question she's posed, he laughs a little harder. "Well, you're in luck, Dr. Browne. All will be revealed." He takes her hand and leads her from the kitchen.
"Oh wait!" Claire stops him before they get too far into the tour. "Shoes or no shoes." She notices that he's not wearing shoes, and taking off her shoes tends to be the first thing she does in her own home.
Neil smiles at her. "Whatever you're comfortable with." He points to a little cubbyhole off the front door. "You can throw them in there if you want to take them off." Claire immediately steps out of her heels and does just that, joining him again a few moments later.
The main parts of the house she's seen before, the living and dining areas, the kitchen and the downstairs half bathroom. They peek into the guest bedroom on that level, which turns out to be his home office, though the couch in the corner turns into a bed if he needs it. Then they wander upstairs where he shows her another guest bedroom that actually is a bedroom. But she erupts in laughter at seeing the weight set in the corner of the room. Neil grins, but doesn't comment, leading her out and down the hallway. They poke their head into another bathroom before he guides her, still clutching her hand, into his bedroom at the end of the hallway.
"I feel like I'm going to find out so many more interesting things about you after I walk through this door," Claire says.
Her bedroom has so many personal items and small touches, it's almost as if each little area tells its own story. Not just the pictures she likes to keep in there, but everything from the decorations on the wall to her linens, the things she leaves on counter tops and what ends up casually tossed across her bed or on her side table. The rest of Neil's house is so minimalist and restrained, though in a tasteful and refined way. She wonders if there will be any expressive surprises in how he keeps the most personal part of his home space.
Neil squeezes her hands and flicks the light on. "I can't wait to hear your thoughts then."
The first thing she notices is how small his bed is. "Are you kidding me? Is that a double-size bed? I would not have guessed that?"
Neil feigns offense. "What's wrong with a double bed? I'm just one person. And when it's not just me, I'd rather they be closer, not farther away."
Smacking his arm at the sass, she steps farther into the room, taking in the surroundings. "I don't know. I just figured you for a California king kind of guy."
"I'm a sound sleeper, I don't need something like that taking up all the space in my room. Besides, it's not like I spend a ton of time in here."
Claire shrugs. "Fair enough." The room is on the smaller size for a master, about the same as the guest rooms, so she can understand that.
She's pleased to see the little touches of Neil around the room, maybe not as expressive as hers, but definitely a reflection of some of the things she knows about him. When she sees the copy of Moby Dick on his bedside table, bookmark moved toward the last section of the book, she strokes his arm in affection. There's also a sports magazine underneath, a small journal and pen, and a tall, empty glass next to it. She lets go of his hand to pick up the arty knick-knack that he tends to favor in his décor, this one next to the lamp on the opposite bedside table.
"Cute." She puts it back down to note the artwork on the wall. Again, tasteful, even interesting when you compare it to the pieces he has in his common area.
Neil wanders to the other side of the room where he opens a door and invites her in. His closet.
That is, if you could call it that.
When he turns on the light, they walk into a bona fide room with plenty of space for both of them to enter and maneuver around. Along one wall is a sea of suits – blazers and slacks, dress shirts, a few still in their dry cleaning wrap. Then it moves to more casual wear with a broad selection of khakis, jeans, button-down shirts, and short- and long-sleeved options. There's a dresser that presumably holds his foldable items and socks. A collection of shoes is displayed in a rack against the wall, everything from loafers and dress shoes to sneakers and house shoes.
"Are your suits color-coded?" she asks, amazed. Neil grins and shrugs. "And, oh my god, are those ties? Actual ties?" She flicks a blue one with her finger, and he swats her hand away before taking it in his again. She can count on one hand the number of times she's seen him in a tie.
"I'm full of surprises, what can I say. Does this meet your expectations?" There's a playful light in his eyes as he asks.
Claire twirls around in the space. "Neil, this is almost as big as my bedroom. I didn't think I was one of those women who gushed over closet space, but I think I could learn to appreciate it." She runs a hand down his arm as she moves to leave. "Definitely learning so much about you."
Neil laughs. "Good. I think." He turns off the closet light, leading her to another partially closed door, presumably the bathroom.
"This should be good." Bathrooms, Claire finds, are particularly telling, especially what people choose to put in their medicine cabinet. When Neil turns on the light, he lets Claire go in first.
She gasps as she drops his hand and takes it all in. "You've got to be kidding me?" Again, it's massive. Double sinks, separate toilet area, a large shower with a luxury showerhead and built-in bench and a massive tub on the other side of the room. That's where Claire heads first. And when she peeks in, she confirms that there are jacuzzi jets in the deep soaking tub.
"Now this is shocking. I also didn't figure you for a guy with such a fancy tub." She retakes his hand and prods him into helping her climb in, much to his amusement. Once inside the tub she spreads her limbs out relishing how much space there is and imagining the incredible baths she could take in it. There's a ledge where she could put some candles and a glass of wine or a book. Maybe Neil would even join her for a few of those.
Nope, she dismisses. Thinking about reclining in a steamy romantic bath with Neil is dangerous, and she's already warned herself not to go down that road tonight.
Having no idea how easily her thoughts have slipped into the salacious, Neil laughs at her languishing in his tub. "I'm man enough to admit that I love baths. It's good for the body, especially after an intense workout."
Now her thoughts drift to the image of a naked, wet Neil Melendez lying in a bathtub and, well, she needs to get out of this room. She stands up and without prompting, Neil helps her climb out of the tank-like tub.
"I'm going to be extra nice to you so maybe you'll let me visit that tub sometimes."
"Are you going to come see me, too, or just use me for my tub?"
Claire thinks about it. "I guess I can multitask on that one." They chuckle as Claire's eyes linger at his countertops, as neat as she'd expected. His shaving items are out along with some hair product and a toothbrush cup in the corner by the medicine cabinet. There's a hand towel lying next to the sink rather than on the rack where it probably usually sits and a blue towel hangs next to the shower.
Claire takes one last look before walking out, Neil following as he turns off the light.
"And that's it," he says as they head back downstairs. "Well, except for the garage and there's nothing to write home about there."
"Don't worry, what I've seen has given me plenty of peeks inside that brilliant head of yours." She cups the side of his face for a moment as they wander back into the kitchen.
They talk idly about their day as Neil prepares their dinner smoothies. He admits that the intensity of the previous day, both the stress of his conversation with Lim and Glassman and the more wonderful conversation with her, had sapped his energy. He'd slept in and then mostly taken it easy so he'd have enough left in the tank to spend with her. She talks about the surgery she and the team had finally done on their patient who'd had another bit of stubbornness following his night in the hospital. But they'd gotten consent finally, and everything had gone well.
She told him that Park had asked this morning if she'd run into Neil the previous night, probably fishing for some kind of gossip. It impresses her how cool she played it. As she tells Neil, all she'd revealed to Park was that their Attending is still considering how long to be out and left it at that. He can decide for himself how and when to bring everyone else into the loop.
They go out to the patio area with their smoothies and sit together on the couch staring out into the city. She compliments him on his blending skills, then pokes fun by suggesting it's from all the protein shakes he probably makes for himself to keep such a hot body. He jokes back that she better enjoy these days when he's recuperating because it's the only time she'll be able to outpace him at the gym or on the track.
It's all very comfortable for her and for Neil as well, it seems.
"So, what are you thinking in terms of your sabbatical," she asks, placing her empty glass on the table in front of them. He's still slowly sipping his, so she twists her body around to face him as he relaxes next to her.
Neil sighs. "I don't know. I think six months is too long. If it were a traditional sabbatical that I'd actually planned, I might feel differently. I'm looking at another couple of weeks at least of medical leave. I can spend that time with Gabi and visiting my parents. I don't think I'll be up to doing anything too strenuous otherwise. Then it'll be another few months of light duty even if I were to go back right away."
"That'll give you time to consider other options, too," she suggests. "Giving yourself a couple of weeks away from the hospital to think about what's on the table doesn't hurt."
"True." Neil puts his feet up on the ottoman and stretches out a bit. "There's not enough time to have something in place right after that, although I'd consider an opportunity if it looks interesting. Glassman is keeping his eye out. Keeping all that in mind, I'm thinking it'll turn into another two or three months for sabbatical."
"Is that long enough, though? Six months may be too long, but four months has been the minimum, right?"
"Usually, yes, but that's with total leave for research or to teach. I'll be coming back gradually on a part-time basis. So technically, I'll be using that sabbatical allotment for that."
Claire nods. "I guess that makes sense. What are your options? Write up some case reports? Research? Teach?"
"Definitely not teaching," he confirms. She narrows her eyes at him, and he laughs. "Yeah, you're right to be offended. The four of you are a handful." She shakes her head at him, but is grinning. The four of them are a lot to handle sometimes. "Besides, it's too late even to adjunct for the next semester. I'll probably do some writing to build up my CV. Stock up on CMEs. And I've been neglecting the conference circuit the last couple of years. There are three big ones over the next six months that I wouldn't mind attending. And Glassman liked the idea of me going to more if I'm up for it. Get St. Bonaventure's name out there without having to be down an available surgeon."
Claire nods. "True. Anywhere fun?"
"New York City and Chicago with a third in Portland if Glassman doesn't end up going himself. I've got my eye on another in Miami that looks promising." He grins over at her. "And the conference might be interesting too."
She laughs as wickedness. "That could be fun," she agrees.
"Yeah, it could be. And who knows, maybe I can convince you to join me for a trip or two." His flirty tone warms her all over.
It should seem too soon to be thinking of that, yet it also sounds like the most natural thing in the world to contemplate these new things they can do. And the idea of meeting up with Neil in another city, free to be together away from their everyday lives, is rather appealing. Hearing his tentative plans are exciting, but she's skeptical because they're both the worst kind of workaholic. Claire considers the entire time she's known him, and the longest he's ever been away from the hospital was about three days for vacation during her first year.
"Gosh, I can't remember the last time you've been away for more than a day or two. Not for vacation or for work."
"No kidding," he says, a bit exasperated. "Jessica and I had been planning for a wedding so the travel was supposed to happen afterward. Audrey and I would take weekend trips, and we'd talked a big game about maybe going somewhere like Brazil or Japan. But the idea that we'd both be able to get out of work at the same time for that long seems silly now."
At hearing him mention Dr. Lim, something in Claire flares up, and she frowns. It only burns for an instant before she pushes it back down, now knowing that her fears about Neil and Dr. Lim were a product of her nervous imagination. Yet, the tense emotions associated with it don't just disappear, she's finding out.
Recovering quickly, Claire's weak smile tries to cover up the backslide into her previous anxiety. "That's a shame," she says.
Unfortunately, Neil is more perceptive than she's gotten used to in their new relationship. The way he's looking at her is quizzical, not sure what to ask, but knowing there's something there.
"You going to tell what that tone's about?"
She looks away. "It's nothing. Really."
"I don't believe you," he replies, gently. "And I'm confused because I know you're well aware that Audrey and I used to be together."
"Of course, I am." Claire rolls her eyes. He remains silent, waiting, not pushing but clearly not taking no for an answer. She sighs. "Fine. This past week, I may have possibly had a thought that you and Lim were getting back together."
Judging by the look in his eyes, he wants to laugh. But he doesn't, probably because he knows it would get him in a world of trouble.
Claire dismisses the idea with a sweep of her hand. "Morgan was the one going on about it."
"How would Morgan know something like that?
"She didn't, she was just speculating. The only information we were hearing about you came from Lim and your dinners and visits and stuff."
"Well, one dinner to talk about this sabbatical situation," he clarifies. "But mostly a couple of phone calls about official business disguised as her checking up on me."
"You don't owe me an explanation, Neil. I know she's your friend." The look he's giving her can really only be described as mushy. "Besides, Morgan wasn't completely off base. Near-death experiences make you think of regrets and second chances and all that." She can feel her cheeks getting warm, which seems to delight Neil even more.
He shrugs. "I guess some people would." He places his empty glass next to hers on the table. "I can see if things were different, then maybe." Carefully, he shifts to face her, stretching his arm along the back of the couch and resting his head in his hand. "For me, thinking about what could have happened, I don't want to look to the past. I want to look forward. At the possibilities." He takes her hand and caresses her fingers with his thumb. "With you, if I need to be clearer on that."
Those butterflies start up again as she smiles over at him. It surprises her what a comfort it is to hear that.
"I guess it'll take some getting used to, this new thing with us." She looks down, her nerves bubbling up again. "Have you thought about how we're going to make this work?"
Neil grins at her. "It's all I've been thinking about lately. I'm pretty scared, I'll admit."
Claire lets out a heavy breath. "Terrified," she agrees. They let that sink in for a few moments as they stare out the window. "What scares you the most?" Claire finally asks.
Neil thinks about it for a few beats. "I guess, I'm nervous about what people will think of me. I try to be a good guy. A responsible doctor and colleague. But my relationship track record is pretty notorious. The granddaughter of the hospital's founder, my boss, my resident. I don't come out of this looking good. But that doesn't scare me. I'll figure it out. I love you and especially after this week, it doesn't matter what other people think about that."
She squeezes his hand, smiles at him when he finally meets her eye.
"I'm scared of not being enough for you. And that's not about you," he quickly adds. "It's about my other relationships and not being able to make them work because we weren't on the same page. I think you deserve the world, but I know my shortcomings. My arrogance and stubbornness. They've both been major hurdles in my last relationships."
"If it's any consolation, I'm well acquainted with those things, and I love you anyway," she tells him, which makes him chuckle.
"I suppose so." He pulls at her hand to get her attention. "What are you scared of?"
"What aren't I scared of?" she says, her pursed lips not hiding the constant flux of her emotions. "A real relationship is something I don't have much experience with. I remember my friend Kayla calling me out for how much I run from men. She wasn't wrong." Claire shakes her head. "I know I mentioned to you a couple weeks ago that Dash and I had decided to just be friends, but he'd joked about that during our 'break up'" she gestured in air quotes. "That fear I told you about when he'd first asked me out? That I'll hurt someone I care about? It's still there. And it's even worse because I know I love you, and I know the stakes. I guess I'm afraid of not being good enough either, and then screwing something up."
Neil nods. "Thanks for telling me that. Maybe if we just keep talking about it, we can help each other not be so scared. We don't have to have all the answers right now." Sensing her distress, he pulls at her hand again. "Come here." Claire scoots over until she's tucked into his side, his arm around her. "See, this? It makes the fear go away because I know it's what we both want. All the other stuff? I'm willing to risk it. You're worth it, I know that."
He's warm and pliable underneath her. Claire feels safe, something she doesn't often say about anyone.
"I'll try not to be too much of a mess," she says, wrapping her arm around him.
"Hey, you're not a mess. You're human. One of the best I know who I also happen to like quite a bit." He strokes her hair. "And I have to tell you sometime what a nightmare I was when I first started my residency."
He'd hinted at being a troublemaker in those days, though she has a hard time imagining it. "I really look forward to hearing about that."
When he adjusts to pull her closer, she catches him wince, probably at inadvertently pulling his stitches. Claire immediately sits up, checking for other signs of pain.
"Are you okay? Do you need me to check your stitches?" She reaches for his shirt to check the incision site, but he stops her.
"I'm fine, just tender. It'll be easier once I get the stitches removed." Claire moves out of his embrace, but Neil won't let her leave his side entirely, pulling her back in. "Oh, no you don't."
"Neil, I don't want to hurt you."
"Then get back here. I'm going to be fragile for a while. Get over it. And I know you really want to get my shirt off again," he teases, "but you're going to have to wait to have your way with me." He grabs her arm and pulls it around him once more.
"You wish," she says, thinking back on her vow to not jump his bones right away.
Smiling down at her, he kisses her, a soft but brief taste. "I do, actually. Just not today."
Claire burrows into him again, and feels his soft kiss at her forehead. "It's for the best really given that postage stamp-sized bed you have.
He laughs. "So, do you have a California king, Dr. Browne?" When she rolls her eyes and looks away, he laughs even harder. "Oh, I see how it is."
"I'm a tiny person," she argues. "I'm the perfect size for a double."
"Then you'll have no problem getting comfortable in my postage stamp-sized bed. I'll keep your need for the extra space in mind. It does have some intriguing possibilities." His saucy grin, invites one of her own. "When do I get to see Casa Browne?"
Claire shrugs. "Whenever you want." After thinking about it, she makes him an offer. "How about we go for a walk this weekend, and then I'll make you breakfast at my place, even if you're still on smoothies."
"Deal." Neil's quick agreement is satisfying. "And I can't wait to see your place. I can imagine the Claire Browne aesthetic in home décor form. Very organic. Bohemian. And I've seen your locker so you might need the extra days to tidy up."
Her indignant gasp prompts another fit of laughter from him. At one point, he rubs at his abdomen and takes a few calming breaths having overdid it a bit.
"That's what you get, teasing me like that."
Neil cups her face, and offers a peck on her lips. "You better get used to it. This is only the beginning." Then he returns for a more thorough taste of her, their kiss deepening in the dim room and the quiet of his house and the calm night around them.
When they finally come up for air, Claire stays close, peppering his lips with one extra kiss after another. "I can't wait." He smiles against her lips and she pulls away, once again snuggling into his side.
"Me neither," Neil responds, putting his other arm around her as they simply enjoy this new undefined reality of surrendering to love.
TBC