Disclaimer- I do not own iCarly
This is my first story and fanfiction… and its something a had in mind for a couple of months and i finally decided to put it in words..
This story takes place months after the seddie break up… Enjoy !
One step to happiness
Sam please – he whispered his voice sounded so scared- just take my hand please-
Why should I? - I ask him, taking a step forward – I just need one reason, just one- I turned around to look at him – just one- I sound so different so broken, empty
Sam please I lo…
Do not say it! I don't want to hear it , I need a better reason,- I interrupt him -don't say that you love me, that's is not enough is never enough – I finish, turning my back to him, just one more step and it'll all be over, I'll finally be free from this fucked up life. I know Carly doesn't deserve it, she's been like a mother and a sister to me and for that I'll always be grateful, but sometimes she can be a little rough, but that's ok, because sometimes I deserve it. Spencer he's... like a brother to me, doesn't care if I steel his food and make a mess in the kitchen, or if I break the door, he treats me like if I was his other sister and I love him for that. There's Gibby, oh silly Gibby, he is so stupid and even though I can't stand him for more than a minute I considered him a good friend. My mom... God she's trying, she really is, and I love her with all my heart but, she's so reckless.
And finally, the king of nubs, I tormented that guy for a lifetime, calling him names, pulling pranks; he always ended up hurt, and felt bad in every single one of them, but I didn't care. Then there was the kiss, everything changed, I didn't treat him so badly well not emotionally, I considered him a good friend, we became closer, and I like it. Everything was so good, and I… I fell for him hard, I don't know when or how, but the feeling was there, and it was real. He said that he felt the same way, we dated for a month, for me it was perfect he made me happy, and I thought I made him happy, but for our friends it was forced, we decided to break up.
Sam please don't do this – Freddie's voice brought me back to reality – please just listen to me , you are not thinking about Carly, Spencer or me - he yelled, taking a big breath before continuing– we love you Sam , I don't know what happen… but if you just let me in…. I could help you, - I kept quiet, watching him sigh in defeat - you started smoking and drinking, and hanging with the wrong people, at first I thought that you needed space I .. we thought it was just a phase , but that wasn't the case… you started to drink every weekend, always getting high and , you don't talk to us anymore… you began acting like that since that night we broke up, you.. I – he took another deep breath and ran his hand through his hair desperately. He turned to me, locking eyes with me. I don't know what he saw in my eyes that his face instantly hardened – you don't care do you- Freddie said harshly – YOU DON'T CARE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU AFTER YOU ARE GONE- he grabbed my arms in a firm grip as he glared at me, and harshly whispered – you're always thinking about yourself, always.. you never cared not even when we were dating it was always what Sam wanted – he finished.
I stared at him, what did he expect me to say?... I laughed, amused at how quick he was to point his fingers at me, to judge me… I felt so empty. he looked at me like I'd lost my mind… and maybe he was right. His grip loosened around my arms– you think this is funny – he said while stepping away from me… before he could create any distance, I caught the bottom of his shirt gripping it tightly with both my hands and pulled him closer to me. he was surprised at first and tried to say something, but I didn't let him
You deserved everything that's coming to you- I whispered darkly while looking him straight in the eyes – I am doing you a favor nobody wants you anyways.
He looked away -Sam wha… he tried to say
Shut up – I said harshly – if you stay quiet and be good, I promise it'll be over soon, you're going to love it, you will beg me for more- my hand was caressing his face, then I grip his jaw forcing him to look me straight in the eyes – its ok don't cry, like I said you are going to love it and you will love it- he stared at me like I was crazy, I just smiled and ran my tongue over my bottom lip – when I'm done with you, you'll remember me forever and you'll always be mine – I let go of his jaw and push him away from me, his hand immediately went to his jaw and I knew I'd left a mark ….
You are a piece of shit – I continued, taking a step forward – nobody wants you, your worthless…
- Sam stop –
Why? – I ask - you know you love it, just like last time, so shut up and take it
- Sam – he took a step back and I took one forward – stop it- he said with tears in his eyes
Shh shh shh don't cry you promised you would be good – iwas in front of himagainI placed my hands behind his neck, staring into his eyes for a second before pulling him closer to me, I whispered in his ear – You belong to me forever – I felt his pulse increasing and I chuckled – what Benson? too much to handle? – he tensed and I continued – his hands were all over my body, kissing , licking, groping, I was in so much pain but he didn't care – I paused taking a shaky breath – even with his hands all over me and him taking everything I had, what hurts the most was the realization that I was all alone, I didn't have anyone…
Sam …- he started to say
Shsssss let me finish don't be rude-my arms pulling him close – I was, and I am alone, why? you guys never cared to ask if I was ok… not even when I was so drunk that I couldn't even remember my name, when I was so high you still didn't ask, because you didn't care, Carly was so busy judging me to see the truth, and you little nub… Where so far up in her ass that you didn't even realize that I was breaking… and I thought for a moment that you really loved me or at least cared about me, but I've never been so wrong in my fucking life…. I let go of him, pushing him so hard that he almost fell. I took a step back, he stared at me with so much emotions, with so much guilt, he opens his mouth to say something but immediately closes it again
What Benson, cat caught your tongue? - I said with a smirk and then turned around walking back to the edge of the rooftop, I looked down taking a deep breath and closed my eyes, I smiled as the light breeze caressed my skin, blowing the strands of hair away from my face.. , just one step and it will be over , just one step… and I will be free from everything , nothing will matter anymore, just one little step, and I won't feel anything, they wont be able to hurt me anymore… I'll finally be happy… that's all I want... just a little happiness… I opened my eyes slowly and looking up at the night sky, I took another breath… I wanted everything to be over…. Only one more step
Just one step – I whispered to myself as I closed my eyes, I could hear someone talking in the distance, I took a step….
Sam wait -someone said grabbing my arm in a firm grip- let me give you a reason, you ask for one…. let me give you one please – Freddie pleaded; I'd almost forgotten he was here... almost… I could feel his gaze on me, but I didn't look at him I was looking down to my heaven… to my happiness… I could almost reach it I was just one step away, but he stopped me, why? why did he stop me? And I'm the selfish one?... suddenly I was so angry, angry at him, at everyone…
WHATS YOUR PROBLEM BENSON – I said pulling my arm away from his grip – WHATS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY DID YOU STOP ME?, THAT'S MY ONLY CHANCE OF HAPPINESS AND IM GOING TO TAKE IT, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY – I yelled while pushing him away from me – WHAT IS YOUR REASON , HUH …THAT YOU LOVE ME? , THAT CARLY LOVES ME? , THAT YOU GUYS WONT BE THE SAME WITH OUT ME?, WELL I DON'T CARE!, FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM THINKING ABOUT MYSELF! – I was so fucking angry, like I've never been before- THIS TIME LOVE CAN'T SAVE THE DAY, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH AND NOT BECAUSE YOU SAY IT ITS GOING TO MAKE EVERYTHING OK- I closed my eyes for a second I was breathing hard at this point, but I didn't care – Nothing that you say will save me – I said running my fingers through my hair and stopping at my temple – because this – I whispered – THIS! – I yelled this time – ITS FUCKED UP AND NO ONE FREDDIE, NO ONE… IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT… - I turned around and took a step again, determined to end it all, when suddenly someone grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back. I started to scream and fight with all my strength, squirming desperately & hoping to break free, but it was no use, whoever it was, pushed me to the ground, straddling me so I couldn't escape...
Let me go please just let me go –I begged as I continued screaming and kicking–
SAM STOP JUST STOP LISTEN TO ME – the person said, there was something about his voice that made me stop for a second, he took the opportunity to pin my arms above my head – JUST LISTEN SAM I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS , BUT YOU CAN'T LET THEM WIN –
HE WON THE SECOND HE TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! – I yelled; my eyes now closed- just let me go – my voice above a whispered – please… -I begged
I was talking about your inner self, I was talking about your demons, don't let them win Sam…- I felt like time had stopped for a minute, my body fell limp but I still didn't dare to open my eyes– you are way stronger than them Sam…– his forehead touched mine – you think that everything is over but it's not, it's not – his handwent to my face - Sammy you can overpower them , you can take control again – tears escaped my eyes, I couldn't hold it anymore…
I don't know how – I sobbed– I don't know how… – my voice was now a broken whisper.
Just let it go , let everything go , if you have to scream or cry do it , just let it go – I finally opened my eyes and brown ones were staring back at me but not the ones I was expecting , his eyes held so much love and care but like a brother to his sister , a father to his daughter – let it go Sam, I'm going to be right here to catch you I'm not going anywhere – I finally let out a pained scream followed with a sob, I cried so hard for everything… I cried and screamed for the times I couldn't. I cried for the times nobody listened, even when my eyes were screaming. I cried for the people who didn't have the chance. I cried for the times I had to pretend, for the times that I needed to get drunk to make the pain go away, I cried because I don't know who I am anymore. But I mostly cried because I had someone to catch me when I fall.
I don't know how long I'd been crying but I am so tired. For the first time in months I felt safe, who would have thought that this man- child was going to be my savior.
The last thing I remember was passing out in Spencer's arms.
The end
I hope you enjoyed…
Love Ama..