trigger warning: fire, implied parenth death, suicidal ideation
"You're back!" Lien-Hua called and jumped out of bed to hug her big sister. Big, that she was quite literally. It had been a bit over a year since the start of P'Li's rapid growth spurt and now the eleven-year-old girl towered over most of her classmates and some older kids as well. Lien-Hua barely reached above her waist, but still had enough force to throw her off balance.
"Woah! Slow down, Lien," she swayed, but returned the embrace. "It was just school, no big deal. As every day."
"I know! But I still don't get why you go there. Mom said the other kids were mean to you," the little girl pouted, worry creasing her tiny brows. "Were they, 'Li?"
P'Li smiled. Even if she didn't fit in, her lovable sister shouldn't know and be sad over it. "It's alright, Lien-Hua. I'm fine. Let's go eat lunch."
"You came home earlier today. What's the matter?" a soft palm touched her back as P'Li finished her meal, about to get up to read Lien-Hua some Fire Nation tales, as she had promised.
"As usual. No need to fuss about it." P'Li uttered, hoping to avoid the subject, staring into her now empty plate.
"Look at me." her mom's voice was soft, yet she couldn't resist it. P'Li met her eyes, their light gold shade the same as her sister's - unlike her own rusty brown.
"Don't you know you can tell me anything, P'Li?" warm caress of her nape soothed P'Li enough to disclose what bothered her. After all, here she didn't have to be ashamed. "Just… some older girls found out about Chao."
"Ah." She understood. Chao was an older boy, one of few who didn't pick on her - maybe because he was slightly taller than her - but she didn't see him often. When she did, it always brightened her day.
"They laughed and said that… he would never pay any attention to me and I should just leave everyone alone. They called me a freak that shouldn't have been born." It wasn't the nastiest thing she'd ever heard from them, but it still hurt.
"Oh Spirits," mom's arms enveloped her in a tight embrace. "I went through the same thing when I was your age. I know how cruel kids can be."
"It's nothing, really. I usually try to ignore it, but they never stop, I don't get it. Then another girl said something like: 'What do you expect, it's Liu's daughter!' as if was an insult."
Her uncertain gaze explored her mom's face - she was the most beautiful, kindest person she could imagine. "Why would anyone hate you, mom?"
"That's a long story, my dear." her mom's eyes hazed over with something strange. P'Li always worried about her mom when she got like this.
"I try to live the best way I can and treasure every day, because I love you all very much. Unfortunately, some people will always see you for something you're not, remind you of your… flaws. But as long as you have someone who loves you unconditionally, the rest of the world doesn't matter." She lovingly stared into P'Li's eyes and caressed her cheek tenderly. "Don't let them get into you. You're my beautiful girl, P'Li. Dad, me and Lien-Hua will always love you."
"I know," she smiled slightly, leaning into the touch. "I just wish I could tune out the rest."
P'Li struggled to breathe as thick, dark smoke stung in her eyes and lungs, making her vision blurry with tears. Adrenaline rising in her bloodstream, she withstood it, searching through every room of the house, refusing to give up.
"Mom! Dad!" she screamed, inhaling another lungful of smoke. It provoked a coughing fit so hard she was gasping for air.
They managed to get out before, that's why no one answered. P'Li tried to convince herself. They aren't upstairs. The upper floor was nearly fully engulfed in flames. Dad couldn't bend, and mom used her firebending only occasionally with difficulties, same as P'Li - she was definitely not strong enough to stop this disaster.
"'Liii!" a voice called from outside. Lien-Hua. She's alive. P'Li ran outside to find her sister, her face a mess of smudged soot and tears, but alive .
"Lien-Hua! Where are mom and dad? Have you seen them?" she asked frantically as she pulled her sister close.
"D-daddy was sleeping! I tried to wake him up, but t-then mom came and told me to r-run and find you. She stayed to h-help dad and told me to go hide somewhere e-else!"
"I have to go back!" P'Li was determined to try anything, but Lien-Hua clung to her arm.
"M-mommy promised she would be alright and find us later, together with daddy! She wanted us to run and hide!"
Unlike Lien-Hua, P'Li recognized the lie. There's still time. If I go now, maybe-
An ominous cracking noise disrupted her thoughts, followed by deafening sound of explosion, and then, to her horror, the roof crashed down and buried everything what was left of their home.
No... no! This can't be! This is all a dream! P'Li hoped in childish naivety it was all some sort of twisted nightmare. I need to wake up. Now. NOW!
Clothes sticking to her skin damp with cold sweat, P'Li breathed in deeply, willing her heartbeat to slow down as she forcibly tore herself from another dose of painful memories. No matter how frequently they plagued her sleep, they always left a hollow ache in her chest.
I wish I could forget.
After few minutes, she became aware of her surroundings. The overhang sheltered from weather, but not from cold and humidity that came with the rain. At least she could see the sky now.
How did I get here? she struggled to remember, then images started to flood her brain… Zaheer, the elevator, night sky, an older man, her vision blacking out... arguing voices, discussing her future… everything so unbelievable she stopped asking herself whether it was a dream or reality. She had her answer now.
She looked around, recognizing two figures, betrayed only by the almost imperceptible rise and fall of the blankets. Zaheer and Xai Bau, if her memory served her correctly. Yesterday, a splitting headache had interrupted her sleep - not at all an uncommon occurrence, especially after long training sessions - and so she'd accidentally overheard a part of their conversation. Not much, but enough to form an opinion of life Zaheer would offer her. Despite his good intentions, she couldn't join an organization willing to kill people opposing their cause. Daigo indeed deserved it, but who knew what else they could be capable of? They couldn't be trusted. She had to leave.
P'Li got up as quietly as possible, walking slowly as not to alert them. As soon as mountain slopes no longer narrowed her view, hills bathed in greenery filled her vision. To someone else it might have looked nice, even comforting, but she was only reminded of her endless training. The locations switched often, P'Li could never make sense of it. Probably just as intended - not a single indication of where she'd come from and where to go now. The sun was already up, pouring vibrant orange and red across the sky. Even the dawn, a sign of hope and new beginning, reminded her of her failed attempt just a day ago.
P'Li decided to go back. It was pointless to get lost here.
The rainwater created many small ponds, reflecting the sky above. When she leaned closer, what looked back at her was almost unrecognizable as her face.
A deplorable sight with sunken cheeks, the left one still purple and swollen, eyes enveloped in dark circles. The most noticeable thing was the third eye tattoo, impossible to hide. Her tangled mess of hair reached her shoulders - she wasn't allowed to take care of it, one of many punishments for her disobedience. Gone were the times when mom would braid her thick hair...
Damn it. Will those memories ever end? Once again, P'Li felt the telltale burn in her eyes. She had no safe place to welcome her when the world was set on rejecting her very existence.
I could find a high place or… or release a blast just a little too close. It would be over, all the pain. But would I even be capable of it? I couldn't even kill that peasant before...
Her grim thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice calling her name. Zaheer was rushing towards her.
"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you," he stopped several metres away from her, catching his breath. He looked genuinely relieved, his lips forming a hesitant smile.
"Why?" she asked, voice devoid of feeling.
"I thought you ran away."
That only served to irk her. "Yesterday, I recall you saying something about me being free," she stated coldly, staring him down.
"Or was that only to blindside me and you just want to use me like he did?"
"Nothing like that, I swear. If you really want to leave, neither I nor Xai Bau will stop you," he put up his hands in a defensive gesture.
"I just got worried about you. After you passed out yesterday, you really should eat something."
Food. Right. I forgot.
Her stomach was, in fact, painfully tight. She hadn't eaten since her last encounter with Daigo.
"I am a bit hungry," she admitted reluctantly, following Zaheer back.
Xai Bau was busy, stirring the stew cooking above glowing coals. The smell was less than pleasant, but it still made her mouth water. P'Li automatically moved as close as possible to the heat.
"So Zaheer did find you, after all," one corner of his mouth turned upwards in condescending smile. She ignored him.
"I suppose with no energy left you didn't get far. But no worries, no one will stop you once you eat yourself full."
Can't wait to see my back, right? she thought, but accepted the bowl of food he passed her.
To her disappointment, it looked far more watery than she thought before, no meat at all. She really couldn't afford to be picky now and ate ravenously, trying her best to ignore the burned aftertaste. Her portion only made her hungry for more, but she didn't dare to ask, seeing as there was barely enough for all of them.
"So, I'm not exactly sure if you have anywhere specific you want to go, but there's a ship waiting for us. The best we can do is drop you off at the nearest town," Xai Bau announced. Zaheer stared at him in disbelief.
P'Li felt a dull stab in her chest. How quick they were to wash their hands off her...
How foolish of me to expect anything else. So why... why does it hurt so much?
"I understand that you can't wait to get rid of me, but it really doesn't matter since I have nowhere to go," she retorted, her words dripping with acid. She watched with some sick satisfaction as Zaheer's eyes widened and Xai Bau visibly winced.
Her vision blurred. P'Li felt utterly pathetic for letting it get to her. She should have gotten used to it long ago.
"Don't waste your time," she turned away from them, breathing deep and suppressing the need to cry for a little bit longer, "and leave already.".
She ran to the only place that could hide her from sight, back to their night shelter. Even then, she held it all inside, determined to not let them see another glimpse of her pain.
They can both disappear for all I care. Anything is better than being unwanted like this.
It was tearing her apart - her empty, aimless life, not worth even her effort to try and end it; the throbbing ache of her loneliness despite knowing that she had no right for it. She was born a monster, after all. Apparently no one ever bothered to consider that those deserved better than constant misery, too.
"Great. Now look what you did!" Zaheer was appalled at Xai Bau's insensitiveness. Talking to her like she was just a nuisance when she had no one else left… what had gotten into him?
"What I did? You heard her yourself. She won't come with us."
"Perhaps she would if you had a little bit more tact."
"And what good would it be for?" Xai Bau scowled. "She is just a lifeless victim, there's no guarantee she will ever get past what happened to her. If you had the experience I do, you'd recognize when you need to let go," there was no more sympathy to be found in his steel gaze.
Zaheer couldn't believe his ears. The same man who encouraged him to seek his own path, now advocated for leaving behind a helpless child? His revulsion must have been obvious, because Xai Bau attempted to water down his statement.
"There's nothing wrong with your compassion," he spoke in a warmer tone. "Perhaps my years of experience make me sound harsh, but I just don't want you to get attached to someone who's beyond help."
"You never even offered her any," Zaheer pointed out. "I'm going to talk to her."
Determined to fix the mess his master had caused, Zaheer headed back to find her. He wasn't certain of his success, but wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't at least try. Her fate would haunt him.
"P'Li?" he called, his sight adjusting to the dark. He spotted her in the far back, facing away from him.
"Leave me alone. Just go with your master already."
She sounded hoarse and shaken up - if she wasn't crying yet, it wouldn't take much longer.
"At least hear me out," he got close enough to not need to raise his voice, but not interfering with her personal space. "I want to apologize on Xai Bau's behalf."
She didn't say anything, just watched him intently. "Why?"
"He went too far," he replied, surprised it wasn't clear enough.
She eyed him with even more suspicion.
"Why does it matter to you?" she specified her question.
"I want to help you."
That seemed to confuse her even more, then her brows furrowed in an intense glare. "What gives you the impression that I want your help?"
"You said it yourself that you had nowhere to-" he rushed to explain, but she interrupted him with a loud yell.
"Just stop!"
She finally spun to face him, eyes wide, frantic and glistening with unshed tears.
"As your master pointed out," her voice cracked, shoulders trembling, "it's too late. It would have been better if you l-left me in t-that damned cell," she lost her composure then and burst into tears, crouching down on the floor. She covered her face with her hands, but it wasn't enough to muffle her desperate sobs.
Zaheer's heart seized with sorrow, everything in him urging him to do something. He kneeled down next to her and tentatively put his hands around her in a loose embrace. She froze, but didn't make a move to pull away. After a while, Zaheer dared to move closer and she didn't seem to care enough to resist. Her head fell on his shoulder as she cried her heart out, soaking the front of his shirt.
"It'll be alright, I promise. Soon, you will feel much better," Zaheer murmured, unsure of himself. He never had to handle something like this before, but instead of feeling awkward and out of his depth, he knew that P'Li needed any comfort he could offer.
"You're a bad liar," she mumbled, her nose full.
Zaheer struggled to find the right words to say, then an idea flickered in his mind - he couldn't believe he didn't think of it earlier.
"Ages ago, an Air Nomad guru wrote: New growth cannot exist without first the destruction of the old."
She lifted her head, squinting in confusion. "What kind of nonsense-" she started, then stopped as she noticed his reaction. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Zaheer ignored the pang of offense at her reaction to his favorite poet. Admittedly, it took some time to truly appreciate his brilliance.
"Well, there are many different interpretations," he was about to start with his favourite - the necessity of tearing down every oppressive system in order to build a society where people could be truly free - but he stopped himself in time. She didn't need to hear about that.
"It can mean that once you're left with absolutely nothing, the deepest bottom you've ever known, it's time to be reborn and start anew."
"Well, that guru of yours doesn't know a thing." She pulled away from him, wiping tears and snot off her face.
"Why do you think so?" he inquired patiently. Had it been Ghazan to say such a thing, Zaheer would get much more prickly.
"Everyone can write fancy verses. But easier said than done," she fumed, then she curled in on herself again.
"Where do I even start? There's nowhere I can go, no one who would care about me," more tears slid down her cheeks.
Zaheer clumsily tore away a piece of first aid bandage he kept in his robes and handed it to her so she could wipe her face.
"I care about you."
She blinked, then shook her head. "You don't even know me."
"That's true, but I care that you're lost and that you went through something no one ever should have."
"I don't want your pity," she scoffed.
Zaheer had to applaud her stubbornness.
"Okay, how about this? There's nothing more for you to lose, right?"
"Thanks for the reminder," she made a sour face.
Zaheer cursed his poor wording. "What I meant to say is that you can only gain now. You build a new life. I think it's worth at least a try."
For a moment, her sharp glare dissolved, as if lost in something only P'Li could see. It lasted only a short while, but when she returned her attention back to him, there was a new gleam in her russet irises - something Zaheer would tentatively dare to call hope.
P'Li, as almost every four-year-old child, doubted that anyone could be more beautiful than her mom - tall and elegant, always warm to touch. At times, P'Li couldn't help but wonder, though. Not a single day went by when she didn't cover her forehead with a colourful silky kerchief, but P'Li never saw other people wear them. She had asked, but mom's answer never changed: I just like them.
One day, she entered parents' room just when Mom was loosening her braid, and her headband slipped off her forehead, revealing a big scar right in the middle.
"Mom! What happened to you?" P'Li panicked. The scar was ugly, spread out across mom's whole forehead. "So this is why you always wear this." She pointed to the fabric.
"Yes, that's why," she sighed.
"But it's okay, honey," mom picked her up into her lap. "It may not look good, but it doesn't hurt one bit," she smiled.
"Really?"
"Yes." She fixed up the headband and covered the hideous mark. P'Li could almost forget it was there.
"How did this happen?" Now, with one question answered, a ten new ones arose.
"I got burned. It was my fault, actually. I did some things… bad things, with fire, when I was younger."
"What kind of things? You mean firebending?"
"You could say that. I had to find a job. And someone offered me a lot of money."
"So you took it?"
"Just for one and only time. Then," she pointed to her forehead, "this happened. I learned my lesson," she smiled again, eyes glistening. P'Li was sad for her.
"I don't get it. You're so kind, mommy. You don't deserve to be hurt," she said with all the earnest conviction of a little child.
Mom laughed. "I think it's time for you to go to bed."
"But I'm not sleepy." P'Li protested, trying to suppress a yawn.
"Yeah, I can see that. Come on, I'll read you some stories."