trigger warning: PTSD nightmare

The waves kept relentlessly crashing into the solid wood, as if trying to find their way inside. Water surrounded the boat from each side, the world reduced to muted steel blue of the sea merging with clouded skies on the horizon. It felt like the sail would go on forever, without a destination, lost. Just like her. P'Li listened to the sounds of waves with a heavy heart, their somnolent language dragging her fears out.

Before the embark, they had travelled on foot, which had turned out to be a much needed relief that kept her mind just on the road ahead. Walking, although P'Li was unused to it and it quickly exhausted her, offered at least an illusion of progress.

Zaheer and Xai Bau moved fast and only stopped by in a small town - P'Li suspected the exact same where Xai Bau had intended to drop her off - to replenish their supplies on a market. They were free to look around, although Xai Ba demanded them to hide their faces and stay separated, then explained more. Daigo had been a famous figure on the island, with many sympathizers who favored his efforts to restore the Fire Nation to its former glory. While such ideas were forbidden elsewhere, the island's isolation and the lack of restrictions allowed them to proliferate - people like Daigo got away with their crimes with impunity. Rumors of his death would spread sooner and later, and could attract unwanted attention on them.

P'Li was more than happy to cover her distinct tattoo and move freely just by herself. After a while of hesitation, she felt grateful for the distraction presented by various stalls. Zaheer sometimes looked her way, probably thinking she couldn't see, but kept his distance. P'Li was thankful for that, their presence still unnatural to her.

Her stomach grumbled. She looked around self-consciously but no one seemed to hear. It couldn't have been a long time since lunch. Xai Bau's cooking didn't improve at all, but she was always so hungry that she finished her share in mere minutes, not even his disapproving gaze deterred her. Perhaps Xai Bau decided not to speak aloud, but his unvoiced judgement stung nonetheless.

Be that way. I won't spend their money. I'm enough of a burden as it is, , she decided and stubbornly ignored delicious smells of dumplings, roast duck and various kinds of sweet treats.

She needed clothes, though - her old ones barely held together and they were associated with memories she desperately wanted to leave behind. Before her captivity, P'Li had used to enjoy dressing up before the insecurity of her unusual height kicked in - after that, she'd switched to darker colours as if to appear invisible. Now she picked exactly according to those criteria - dark maroon fabric of mediocre quality.

"I'll carry it for you," Zaheer offered and took the pack from her hands. P'Li didn't know whether to feel irritated with his constant care or wonder if she really looked that pitiful and breakable.

Later, she discovered two small surprises in her bag. A beautiful brush adorned with tiny crimson gemstones, and a sac full of dumplings.

How did he…?

Back at the market, P'Li could barely tear herself away from both - the dumplings one of her favorites, the brush both a luxury and a necessity. Her hair was far from as long as she'd prefer it, but she couldn't stand its dishevelled state any longer.

After a pleasant jolt of delight, embarrassment followed. If Zaheer had felt the need to appease her like a child, how pathetic she must have been?

After three days, they had boarded a ship. Xai Bau had paid a lot to have it reserved just for the three of them, warning them to keep quiet and not to talk to the crew. P'Li considered the order pointless - she barely spoke and Zaheer spent his time cooped up inside.

P'Li wished for the voyage to be over already - the uncertainty and passive waiting once again made her feel like a helpless victim of circumstances beyond her influence. She kept track of the days, though, and there were still at least two more to go until they reached the Earth Kingdom. Zaheer had even shown her the exact area on the map. She vaguely remembered some locations from her school days; in those times, foreign lands had piqued her interest, now P'Li only wondered how cold and unwelcoming it was bound to be for an outcast like her.

If I stuck out in school, what about an entirely new country?

P'Li kept failing to stop the intrusion of thoughts, her stomach awfully heavy with anxiety. She didn't regret her decision - if she could call it such, since the other option was death, probably - but that didn't make the aftermath any easier. Should she feel content with the fact that she was alive, with adequate conditions, for the price of feeling unwanted and barely tolerated?

Zaheer cares, though. At least… he did, although probably just out of pity. But since our departure, he's been ignoring me completely. During our meals together, he looks away and never speaks.

P'Li didn't expect it to bother her, but her feelings were shifting and ever-changing like the mass of water below her. She might have liked the space at first, but now she was exposed to the bite of loneliness. It seeped in slowly and unnoticeably until she felt its cold weight all around her, dragging her down. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try to spend more time with the boy.

Air Nomad philosophy and culture never ceased to amaze Zaheer as a source of infinite wisdom and enlightenment. Their way of life represented a clear example of living without rules and restrictions, a community where everyone was equal and no one desired to seize power for themselves.

After Sozin's genocide, their message and heritage almost faded to oblivion. It was rumored that the White Lotus still kept most of their writing hidden from the world. Zaheer wouldn't be surprised at all - after the war, the organization became known to the public, celebrated for its aid during the war. However, little had been left save their name - instead of caring for everyone's well-being, they became glorified bodyguards of the ruling class. The Red Lotus was created as an antithesis to their corruption, meant to dismantle oppressive systems and return the world to the state of true balance, prosperity and freedom for all.

Zaheer considered himself fortunate beyond his wildest imaginations to be here, one of the very founders of the Red Lotus as his mentor, with all the knowledge it provided him. As much as he kept reminding himself of the fact, he found it difficult to focus on studying as of lately, his mind unsettled and filled with worry. As much as he tried to attribute it to fatigue after his first mission, Xai Bau had his own opinion about it. His harsh commentary still rang in Zaheer's ears.

"You should know where your priorities lie by now. Are you willing to lose sight of your goal just because of one life, instead of dedicating yourself for thousands? Let that girl be. She will never grow out of her past if you keep watching over her."

Zaheer thought it to be more than a little exagerrated, but it certainly was true that P'Li avoided everyone and he should probably stop trying to approach her.

A soft knock on his door jerked him from his attempts to concentrate.

"Come in," he called, expecting Xai Bau. He was met with the sight of P'Li slouching awkwardly through the door.

"Hi," she spoke shyly, keeping her eyes on the rough floor. "May I come in?"

"Of course," he answered, surprised to see her.

"Thanks," she murmured and closed the door behind her. He gestured on tatty carpet - better than the bare board - and she sat down nervously, Zaheer's scroll between them.

The bruise on her cheek faded to yellow and her face no longer looked as gaunt. Her hair was tied in a simple ponytail, her forehead covered up with a dark red bandanna. She didn't really seem any happier, though - a strange air of uneasiness hung around her, as if she didn't feel completely safe in her environment. She looked around in silence, eyes wide. Zaheer decided to break the tension.

"How can I-" he began at the same time as she finally spoke. "I wanted to-"

Both of them stopped and waited for the other to finish.

"You first," Zaheer said.

"I just wanted to ask how long will it be until we reach the Earth Kingdom," she muttered.

"Just three days or so. Why? Is something bothering you?"

"Not at all. I'm fine," she dismissed, but her eyes shifting from side to side suggested otherwise.

Zaheer realized why she was here - she struggled and wasn't sure how to ask for help. And could he blame her? How uncomfortable it must have been for her, to rely on people she had just met while she was carried away into an unknown land.

"I suppose it isn't easy, being stuck with two strangers and doubt if it was a good choice to make."

She blinked in surprise.

"You could say so," she admitted quietly, blushing in embarrassment.

"I better go. I shouldn't have bothered you," she got up and tried to quickly leave his cabin.

"Wait, P'Li."

Upon hearing her name, she froze.

Did that tyrant deny her humanity so much that he didn't even bother to address her by name? Do I really want to know the answer to that question?

He came closer, tilting his head back to look her into eyes properly.

"No one deserves to experience what you had been through. It takes a long time to heal, but you don't have to overcome it all on your own. Our paths crossed under the worst circumstances imaginable. I know I'm no friend of yours… but if there's any way I can help you, you can count on me."

Her eyes glistened as she turned away from him.

"I should have probably said it before, but…" she took a deep breath, "thank you. You've done so much for me, even though I have no way of repaying you. I'm… I'm such a wreck," she choked on the last word.

"No, you're not," he lightly touched her shoulder - she flinched, so he pulled his hand away immediately. "Every beginning is difficult."

"I can't ever be sure things are getting better," she confessed, voice barely above a whisper. "For a while, it seems so, then the next moment I feel so anxious I can't breathe," her eyes grew wide and she unconsciously curled in on herself.

"My own mind is becoming an enemy of mine," she breathed out. "I feel so weak."

"You are far from weak," he assured her. "Just surviving for this long is a proof of that."

"Xai Bau probably doesn't think so," corners of her lips stretched into sour smirk.

"Sometimes I think he's too jaded for his own good," he sighed. The reminder of his teacher's callousness stung in an unexpected way.

"If you want to stay here, I can think of something to do," he tried to change the topic.

She nodded slowly. "Okay."

Zaheer explained her the rules of Pai Sho, but after several games, P'Li gave up.

"I bet you suggested this just to feel smart," her dry tone showed no signs of previous jitter.

"While it's true that Xai Bau always beats me, I think you were really getting into it in the last game. The key is to anticipate the opponent's moves, tactics and reactions."

She didn't appreciate his tip.

"Is this all you do in your free time? Play Pai Sho and read?" she looked at him curiously.

"I also meditate at sunrise, but if you meant something more exciting, I spar with Xai Bau or others to practice my fighting skills. That's always a thrill, all of them are exceptional benders."

"And you are not?" she tilted her head in curiosity.

"I was born as a non-bender, just like Xai Bau. He trains me in every martial art he knows, and now I am almost as good as him."

"One could mistake you for relatives, even though you don't look alike."

"Xai Bau travelled a lot and that enabled us to meet. I respect him like no one else. He does have his flaws, though, just like everyone else."

"I noticed," she replied wryly.

"You can't take him too seriously. He was the same to me at first, considered me just some upper-class kid who tagged along. The beginnings were rough, but eventually, I improved and proved my worth," he smiled mirthlessly at distant memory of what he once was. A naive kid, disillusioned with everyone and everything, seeking validation in books and looking for someone who would understand. After Xai Bau had given him exactly that and more, it had been easy to choose him over his family. They were probably better off without him anyway.

"So that's what he expects? That's his cost for decency?" the idea clearly disgusted her.

"No, no such thing. I chose to follow him and he had to be certain I can keep up. Xai Bau is far from heartless, he dedicated his whole life to helping as many people as possible, but all the wrongdoing he witnessed hardened him," he carefully weighed his words to give her the basic picture, but not reveal too much.

"A single life means little to him, he would even give up his own if it served the right cause. He isn't hostile towards you for any personal reason, but doesn't see how helping you changes the bigger picture."

"So he decided to be off-putting to drive me away instead," she spat. Zaheer didn't believe that was his teacher's intention and was about to protest when the door opened again, revealing the very man they discussed.

"Dinner's ready. Oh," his sight stopped on P'Li sitting on the floor along with Zaheer, Pai Sho board between them. "So this is where you've been. I didn't know what to tell Zaheer when I found out that you disappeared."

"Did you think I jumped overboard?" she shot him a glare, her voice biting.

Xai Bau pointedly ignored her remark, but his lips formed a thin line.

"You should go eat before it gets cold," with that he turned around and left.

"He doesn't appreciate sarcasm much. I sure wouldn't dare to talk to him like this." Zaheer only hoped that his mentor would forget about it.

"He isn't going out of his way to be nice, so I don't know why should I," she shrugged, then stood up before he could tell her it wasn't a wise approach.

"Let's go. I'm hungry."

Anything he intended to say about it had to wait.

The next day, Zaheer was the one to approach her and they spent time in his cabin again. Several rounds of Pai Sho and P'Li was starting to get a knack of it and even won a few games, but she never shook off the suspicion that Zaheer had let her.

Some of the initial awkwardness melted away and they started talking more freely. Zaheer probably noticed how she avoided talking about herself and and instead let her ask about whatever she was interested in. After overcoming her reserve, her curiosity prevailed - she wanted to know about the world, technology, Earth Kingdom, his own interests. He turned out to be quite talkative, almost to the point of lecturing on topics he was especially passionate about.

Zaheer admired Air Nomad philosophy and from the way he spoke about them, P'Li figured he must have viewed it as the perfect society. She didn't know enough to argue, but couldn't help but feel skeptical. As far as she was concerned, they used to live reclused from the rest of the world as strict pacifists, but the world around them refused to comply to it. What was left of their remarkable culture but ashes and destruction?

P'Li started to notice as much about Zaheer - his idealism, although well-meant, didn't quite connect with reality. When he talked about his master, when his eyes shone with visions of a new world... it seemed no flaw was worth tainting the picture in his eyes.

He was patient, though, and more than willing to satisfy her curiosity if it meant making her feel better. He even borrowed her some books, mostly philosophical pieces and theories about the nature of bending, the Avatar, and a place called the Spirit World. As fascinating as it all seemed, after three years without intellectual enrichment, P'Li struggled to understand those topics. She felt even more embarrassed than before, and hoped that Zaheer wouldn't ask about what she read in too much detail. She didn't need to make more of a fool of herself.

P'Li wasn't sure about him - she was thankful for his soothing presence, but what was it compared to all she'd lost? Her own dreams taunted her with twisted memories; perhaps she wasn't meant to ever regain her peace of mind.

"Wh-where am I?" she just woke up in her old room, in her own bed. "How did I get here?"

"Just sleep, you don't have any school today," a drowsy voice she didn't hope to hear ever again mumbled. P'Li turned around and found Lien-Hua, slumbering and drooling all over her pillow.

"Lien-Hua? You… you're here? You're alive ?"

" 'course I am, what kind of stupid quest'n is that?"

P'Li jumped to her feet, an enormous wave of joy rushing through her body. Could it really be…

She recognized the colours, even the smell of her room. She was home.

She ran down the stairs to her parents' bedroom. "Mom? Dad!" she shouted, not caring if she woke them up.

"What's the matter, P'Li? Did something happen?" her mom walked out of bedroom door. She was barefoot, a headband lopsidedly covered her forehead, messing up her hair - just like P'Li remembered her in mornings.

"Mom! I'm so glad to see you!" she hugged her tightly, breathing in her unique scent.

"Carefully there, you'll break my ribs," Liu laughed as she hugged her back.

"I had a terrible dream, Mom! I thought you're all gone, that I'm alone," she weeped like a baby, but she didn't care. Everything was alright.

"Aw, come on, don't be such a child. Didn't I tell you countless times, you need to get stronger and stop with these incessant wails," her soft voice had gradually changed into harsh and hateful, fingers gently caressing her shoulders suddenly gripped them painfully and Daigo threw her on the floor mercilessly.

Her body's fear response jerked her awake. She was back in her cabin, her heart racing and filling up with an unbearable ache. Her eyes burned with lack of sleep, but she didn't cry. Maybe she had run out of tears.

They are gone. I'm alone in this world. I guess I need to accept it for good.

She got up and went out to clear her head. Since her escape, confined dark rooms always felt suffocating. The air was cold, but not chilly with drizzle anymore. She sat down next to the railway again and watched the horizon. The slow dance of waves resembled a lullaby, but it brought her no peace. How was it possible, to feel the irreplaceable loss so intensely, like a hole inside her chest, and not bleed dry from it?

"P'Li? What are you doing here?" a voice interrupted. A shadow fell on her as Zaheer came closer.

"Sitting. I don't know what else could this be," she replied, tired and no edge.

"No need to play words with me," he squatted down next to her. "What's wrong?"

"Just a nightmare. I'm fine now." Several days of his company weren't enough for her to trust him with this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered tentatively.

"What good would it do?" she replied with a defeated shrug.

"According to some teachings, people should share both happy and sad experiences with others - for joy to grow, to dissipate the sorrow."

The way he said it made her think of his favorite gurus whose teachings he had occasionally slipped into their conversations. It would fit - another advice which might sound pretty and poetic, but hurt to follow.

"I have no intention of reliving it again," she shook her head. Against her better judgement, the idea lingered, though. She would give anything for that crushing burden to lessen and let her breathe easier. So what if it took some more pain? She was used to much worse.

He understood before, when I first came to talk to him. And it helped. What do I have to lose?

"I miss them," she revealed. "My family," she added. Zaheer looked on wordlessly, leaving the choice to talk more up to her. P'Li took a deep breath before she changed her mind.

"I lost them all, except for my sister. She made those years with Daigo easier. I thought that as long as I obeyed him, she'd be safe," she held her breath and braced herself to continue against the onslaught of pain. How naive, how foolish she had been...

"When Daigo found out she didn't display any talent for combustionbending, it was just a matter of time. We tried to run away one night, but he caught us. He…" she couldn't finish it, couldn't stand to even remember. A sob broke through her defenses.

Zaheer put his hand over hers. To her surprise, the touch felt warm and comforting. She found enough strength to continue.

"The thought of taking revenge was the only thing that sustained me. But it never stopped hurting. In the end, I never was strong enough. If it weren't for that escape attempt, s-she could still live," she choked on her words and pushed her eyelids together tightly to stop herself from crying.

"It wasn't your fault," Zaheer argued in calm voice, like when he had explained about the Future Industries to her. "Daigo could have been waiting for an opportunity to do that for a long time, you happened to play into his cards. He knew that grief and guild would keep you from rebelling against him. Or he would find a way how to use her to manipulate you. This might sound harsh," he wavered, "but death was your sister's release. Maybe it's time you found a path towards your own."

She pondered his words thoughtfully, then confessed another one of fears that plagued her mind. "I don't think I can ever stop missing them. The pain just doesn't go away, no matter what."

Zaheer took some time to think about it, his own response more strained than before.

"Deep wounds like these take their time to heal. You don't need to rush yourself. Being forced to serve the man who ruined your life this way, each day a reminder of your loss, the process couldn't even start."

"And you think now it can?" she asked abruptly. "People looked down on me before all of this happened, what now when I'm some kind of third-eyed freak?!"

"The society we live in is faulty and full of condemnation for those who don't fit some artificially defined image of normalcy. Still," his lips twitched, "I find it hard to imagine anyone looking down on you ," his eyes lifted to the top of her head.

Despite her better judgement, she snorted with laughter.

"That was terrible," she jokingly glared on him, corners of her mouth turned upwards.

"I know," he admitted, his tone timid.

"As I said before," he started again, "if it helps, I can be your friend. You can talk to me. I know it's not much compared to your family, but perhaps it's a start."

As clumsy as his words were, P'Li realized that she did feel lighter. Her hurt was far from quiet, but the gesture offered the relief she so badly needed.

"Thank you, Zaheer," she gave a hesitant smile.

"Anytime," he mirrored it with his own. "Sun is about to rise," he pointed to a bright blaze starting just above the horizon. For some reason, her failed mission was the last thing on her mind now.

She yawned, suddenly hit by fatigue from the lack of sleep, uncomfortable from sitting on the cold board so long. She decided to skip the rest of the show and go back to her cabin.

"It means a lot, what you said," she said as she was about to head inside.

"I'm glad," he answered, warm and genuine.

For now, her doubts about him subsided. P'Li was sure about one thing only - she didn't want him to leave.