trigger warning: mention of depression, self-harm thoughts

The rock started floating until it reached his waist, its bland colour growing warmer and brighter as it gradually lost any resemblance of clear shape. Ghazan didn't break his focus and urged the molten mass to hold together, as difficult as it was. At this state, earth lost all of its usual properties and traditional earthbending moves would cause it to push back against him. He'd learned it the hard way - which seemed to be the standard for many things in his life. The skin on his hands and forearms was rough with burn scars.

One downside of discovering his abilities during an adrenaline fueled situation was finding out what exactly had made it work back then. Ghazan preferred to let that particular memory rest untouched, as much as it further complicated improving his skill.

Zhi had once commented that at this state, his bending needed to reflect the change of his element and adapt, become more flowing and less brute. While her advice rang true in some regard, she still couldn't explain how to achieve it. Just his luck that it was left for him to figure out on his own.

Glowing red spots on the material faded quickly, turning into a shapeless, glassy crust. He moved his arms closer to the rock to increase the pressure. It shone bright yellow, radiating a new wave of heat into his sweaty face. He squinted, resisting the impulse to press it further away from him, like his common sense dictated after burning himself countless times. He changed the position of his arms, now compressing the mass from up and above to create a flat, disc-like shape.

Drops of fiery liquid started leaking from the edges. Several of them almost dropped on his already blistered skin. As his concentration shifted to keep them in place, the rest cooled down rapidly again. When he pressed more, the mass threatened to overflow from the edges.

Useless.

He let it fall down and solidify, feeling like he was getting nowhere. His frustration, already spurred on by Zaheer's jabs, itched under his skin, urging him to punch his way through those sad dry rocks all around. But since they provided excellent coverage - or however Xai Bau chose to call the fact that they lived in a practically inhabitable area - better keep them intact for now.

Waterbenders had a natural, almost instinctive ability to change temperature and state of their element. All Ghazan knew how to do was to put the material under pressure until he could feel the individual particles moving, rubbing against one another, creating heat from continuous friction. To maintain it effortlessly and prevent it from losing form, that was an entirely different thing.

When he got stuck like this, Ghazan broke it off, practiced regular earthbending or wandered aimlessly. Now, with Zaheer and Xai Bau back, being somewhere far, far away seemed like a necessity.

He stopped in the middle of his tracks as a deafening sound of explosion shook through him. He immediately dropped into a horse stance and searched for the possible source - it came from somewhere near, he was sure.

Great. Just that one day when I stand guard, someone decides to blow up the place. Even that will be my fault, I'm sure of it.

He ran closer to the hideout, trying to pinpoint where the sound had come from. Silence greeted him.

No one resists or fights back - are they all dead?

That possibility left him oddly numb.

While his company in the Red Lotus left a lot to be desired, he shared their principles and didn't have to fight to survive every day. All things considered, Ghazan would prefer them alive.

Quick footsteps closed in on him - while his seismic sense needed serious improvements, he easily recognized them as too light to belong to anyone from the group. It must have been the attacker.

The person slowed down - did they feel him too? - and stopped. His view was blocked by several large boulders, but they couldn't be far. Ghazan hid himself completely and waited for them to show themselves.

Whoever was there took their time, likely unfamiliar with the place. If they were an earthbender, their seismic sense must have sucked even more than Ghazan's and that was something .

Tired of waiting, he lifted his head over the boulder to get a proper look.

About ten metres away from him, unaware of his presence, stood a tall, lanky girl, looking around with a distressed expression on her face reminding him of a frightened animal. A strange tattoo of a vertical eye covered her forehead. Her chest rose and fell in quick breaths, then she clenched her fists and inhaled deliberately slow as her sight scanned the area. Suddenly, she turned right to his spot.

Ghazan lowered his head quickly.

"I know you're in there!" she called, her voice resolute. "Come out... if you don't want to die this instant!" she wavered.

Is she bluffing?

If she were the one responsible for the explosion - as implausible as it seemed - Ghazan couldn't quite take that risk.

He rose to his full height and stepped out from behind his boulder - large enough to cause significant damage if he were pushed into defense - and headed towards her, bypassing between rocks. As he was closing in, he lifted his arms up to signify no harm.

Now there were only a few metres between them. Her defensive stance lost some of its previous tightness, but she still eyed him with suspicion.

Or something else? He still was shirtless from his practice, after all.

"Like what you see?" he smirked more confidently than he actually felt.

She frowned, then asked him abruptly: "Are you Unalaq?"

"What?" her question took him by surprise. How she knew about him in the first place was secondary to the insult. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Then the only option left is Ghazan. If I remember the name correctly."

"Um, yes," he replied, perplexed. "How do you know? And who are you, by the way?"

Now that he confirmed his identity, she seemed to relax the slightest bit.

"No one important," she answered, her gaze shifting away from him.

Whoever she was, the girl was completely out of her depth.

"I see. Do you happen to go by something else? No-One-Important is a bit of a mouthful," he lifted his eyebrows, grinning.

He could tell how strongly she resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him.

"The name's P'Li." Reluctant, but his curiosity only got more fuel.

"See, it didn't even hurt, P'Li. Now, how about answering my first question?"

"Um, what?" she blinked in confusion. Despite her impressive height, she looked very young, almost too much to be here of all places.

"I asked how do you know my name?" he reminded her.

"Ah. Well, Zaheer told me. He mentioned there were two people around my age, Unalaq and Ghazan. You were either one or the other," she shrugged. "Or an enemy, but I didn't want to consider that possibility."

"Are you a new member, then?"

She certainly didn't look like it, but what did he know? These days, the Red Lotus certainly couldn't get too picky.

"No, I'm not. Xai Bau and Zaheer met me during their mission," she explained. It was clear that she was purposefully revealing only the bare minimum - a tactic Ghazan was all too familiar with.

Whoever you are, you went through your own share of shit, didn't you?

"Didn't you have someplace better to return to?" he doubted anyone not in the most desperate of needs would join them. Red Lotus strived for a less cruel world, but that didn't involve raising orphans.

"Would I be here if I did?" her eyes narrowed and all traces of fear in her expression were gone, replaced by bitterness.

She certainly wouldn't appreciate me inquiring about her past.

They had something in common already.

"Ah, that makes sense. Hope you'll enjoy your stay," he offered another easy grin in an attempt to dissipate her tension.

Ghazan was sure there must have been more behind their motives to let her come along. If she had no potential whatsoever, Xai Bau would never agree to it. Ghazan knew better than most - the old man wouldn't dirty his hands with a fuckup like him if it wasn't for his bending.

Faint echoes of voices drew closer to them - he recognized mostly Zhi, Zaheer in the background.

"Let's get out of here for a minute. I don't feel like listening to any of them right now," he offered, not expecting her to agree. P'Li nodded firmly, the space between her brows wrinkling in distaste.

"Me neither. But where to even go?" her sight swept through the barren land around. If Ghazan were to assume, the Red Lotus members she had encountered so far had been just as inhospitable. He completely understood her dislike, even though this place had its perks too.

"I have something in mind. Hope you enjoy heights," he gestured at her to follow him. Considering how tall you are, you kinda have to, right? his tongue practically itched to say, but it was a bit too soon for teasing.

They kept quiet during their walk, but Ghazan didn't mind. His feet carried him automatically to one of his frequently visited spots and his thoughts were preoccupied by the newest addition to the group. She wouldn't be here with them if she had absolutely nothing to offer. The fact rubbed him the wrong way, but he refused to bring it up to her - she could still be dangerous and lash out at him.

She walked silently, her steps so quiet that he'd think she had disappeared if it wasn't for his seismic sense - mediocre at best, but better than nothing. He kept checking on her regularly anyway. P'Li never paid attention to him, pulled close in on herself as if to minimize the space she took up, looking around like she expected an attack to come at any moment. It made him wonder what misery she'd been put through, but he decided to keep quiet about it - after all, Ghazan too disliked insensitive questions.

"Are we far?" she asked. Ghazan peeked at her - her face finally regained some colour and she breathed fast.

"Just a moment. We're almost at the top."

The dusty path under their feet finally flattened as they stepped on a plateau, offering them a place to rest and look around. Sunsets presented the best views, but they still had many hours left if they wanted to wait for one. Not like time mattered too much to Ghazan - some days, all he felt like doing was to lay still and watch the sky overhead change colour. Zaheer would then occasionally berate him for wasting time or being lazy.

Ghazan found some sick satisfaction in not trying to change his mind and letting the boy think the worst of him. The truth was his own to guard. The gravity pressing down on him made it difficult to move a limb and he felt too numb to appreciate the sight overhead. Instead, the utter vastness of the sky drowned him in feelings of insignificance.

A forlorn road pulled his gaze into the distance, leading to scattered villages, each of them not less than a day of walking away. Ghazan had wandered there several times, to seek distractions and company. Xai Bau would jump out of his skin if he knew, but it was a matter of time until they'd have to move. People tended to forget quickly.

"We're here! Feel free to admire the view, it gets old pretty quick," he announced cheerfully as P'Li passed him by to get closer to the edge. His heart warmed a little as he watched her amazement - eyes wide to take everything in, face cleared of anxiety and open in childlike wonder.

"It's beautiful," she spoke after a while. "I don't know what you're complaining about."

"It's been three weeks. I've spent a lot of time up here. Zaheer always gets annoyed that I keep disappearing and never tell anyone where," he shrugged.

Her brows furrowed.

"Does he usually get like this with you?" she watched him curiously.

"That would be the case," he answered noncommittally.

Things were better before Xai Bau had paid him so much attention. Zaheer was pliable and idealistic, too naive to recognize how his worldview had been molded by the man. Each time the boy lectured him, he had that infuriating aura of meaning well and genuinely thinking that was what he was doing. It made Ghazan want to shake some sense into him, to put it mildly.

"I don't get why. You don't seem so bad," she tilted her head to the side as if she was trying to spot something about him from a different angle. It was more than a little endearing.

"You just met me… what do you know?" Ghazan returned as a joke, ignoring the pang in his chest.

"I know Zaheer, at least a little bit," she replied, a shadow of a smile pulling at her lips. "He can be kind and supportive. Well, not always," her voice fell. "But he tries."

That's what I thought as well at first.

"Never said he was bad. You could say that we just…" he bent several small pebbles from the ground beneath them, "… have a rocky relationship," he grinned, anticipating her reaction.

Her mouth corner twitched as she pierced him with a judgemental look. "That was awful."

"People never appreciate the art of perfectly crafted puns," he put the rocks back. She rolled her eyes at him, seemingly oblivious to how Ghazan had managed to avoid the topic. Now all that was left to do was to find something else to talk about.

"Cool tattoo, by the way," he lifted his gaze a bit upwards to her forehead. "I've never seen anything like it before. Is there some special meaning behind it, or does it just make for a nice dart board?"

She flinched visibly and averted her gaze, now almost glassy.

"Oh, shit. Sorry. Just forget I said anything."

He just had to ruin it, didn't he? There went his chance of decent company, for once.

She didn't stand up and walk away. She smiled instead - or she tried to. Her sour grimace was probably how Ghazan must have looked like upon tasting sea prunes, but who was he to judge? Her previous life didn't appear to exactly overflow with things to beam about.

"It doesn't mean anything. Not right now, at least," she replied, the hidden meaning only known to her.

"Anyway, I wanted to ask... was it you who was responsible for that explosion? Or did Xai Bau pour his disgusting stewed cabbage over Zhi's scripts again?" he had to suppress a gleeful cackle as he recalled the memory - their camping place had echoed with her screams and curses. Several days later after that, Ghazan had come across some poor villagers whispering about 'some malevolent, fearsome Spirit making their home in those woods' .

P'Li huffed out a laugh. "I don't know about that. And yes… I did it."

She seemed to be fully focused on the view.

"Wow," he chuckled, impressed. "What did you do?"

"I needed to get out of that cave. Nothing else would work," she replied, almost mechanical.

Another thing she doesn't want to talk about.

"You know, I can't blame you. As an earthbender, I don't mind so much, but after a while the walls get on my nerves, too. Now I spend most of my time out and everyone just has to deal with it," he put his arms behind his head in a laidback gesture.

"I wouldn't expect them to go along with it, as obsessed as they are with secrecy," she sneered.

"They have to - I'm too valuable."

"I wish I could say the same," she sighed. "But nothing will make me live in that hole."

"It can only get better than that, right?" he smirked.

As cautious and hurt as she was, Ghazan found her surprisingly easy to talk to... not that he had many options to choose from. Only time would tell, but Ghazan had a feeling he would be grateful for whatever brought P'Li here of all places.

P'Li wasn't sure what she expected Ghazan to be like, but after that disastrous incident, chatting with him allowed her to breathe easily again. Ghazan didn't treat her as someone who needed protection, nor like an unnecessary complication. He spoke to her as his equal while being mindful of her unspoken boundaries and if he messed up, he tried to ease the mood instantly.

After a while, they both got too hungry to stay any longer and reluctantly headed back. The air between them was light, sometimes interrupted by a question or a remark, but comfortable enough to not require endless chatter.

P'Li wondered what Zaheer would say once they got back. His 'you could have killed us!' rung with an unpleasant sting in her ears, as right as he'd been to say it. P'Li decided to keep her distance, at least for a while. Not because of some ridiculous grudge, but because she wanted - needed - to stand on her feet, or at least not depend on him too much. Whatever this strange new life would bring, P'Li was tired of being treated as fragile and breakable; of her perpetual fear almost making her feel as such.

As they approached the hideout, she saw the hole left by her blast. For a split moment, her chest burned with vindictive pride, then she immediately recoiled in shame. How many times had she wished to do the exact same thing during her years of captivity…

If only I wasn't so afraid back then… it would have actually mattered.

Her forehead stung again, too insistent to tune out, urging her to burn the mark off once and for all. P'Li froze when she noticed the direction of her thoghts, and forced herself to think rationally; the pain, the risk of infection, or some permanent damage she didn't take into account... it wasn't safe. Not now, at least. Maybe one day, once she'd found a way how to do it safely...

She dug her nails deep into her palms and the compulsion finally ebbed away.

Just the same as before... I'm too scared to actually do anything.

In that cave, her mind had emptied of panic as the inhale rushed in and spilled forward into explosion. Without the ability, she would have stayed there, unable to move, falling deeper into despair. Her combustionbending had saved her. Thinking of something meant for death and destruction in any kind of positive light, choosing to potentially rely on it in the future… her stomach almost turned itself over with revulsion. How could she stoop so low?

Zhi and Zaheer lingered nearby - when they saw the two of them, they headed closer. P'Li braced herself. Ghazan had slowed down, remaining behind her, probably to not draw attention to himself.

She didn't know how Zaheer managed to look worried sick and relieved at the same time, but she focused on the old woman in front of her.

Her copper irises burned. P'Li couldn't tell whether it was a good or bad thing.

"Are you responsible for this?" she asked, her grating voice making P'Li wince. She refused to be intimidated, though.

"You know very well I am," she spat.

"For someone so outraged about me inspecting your tattoo, you sure don't hesitate to use your bending," she sneered, a challenging gleam in her eyes.

"And you would prefer what exactly? Keeping me locked away from sunlight?" she clenched her fists, daring the old woman to proceed and show her true colours.

"We strive towards freedom, not oppression," she scoffed.

"But not only you damaged a valuable hideout, you could have seriously injured someone. I advise you to not make it a habit unless you're ready for the consequences," her voice hardened into a warning edge.

"Threatening me already? I can just see how different you are from him," she seethed, her ire rising to a melting point. A low vibrating sensation began between her eyebrows and then spread higher.

Realization of what was happening cut through her anger, sharp and cold like a steel blade. No matter what, she wouldn't succumb to it again. Not even this horrible woman would push her into it; she probably wanted nothing more.

"That wasn't the implication," Zhi spoke again, quieter than before.

"Stay wherever you prefer. Leave if you wish to," her curt tone returned. "But if you choose to associate with us, you can't go against our interests, especially if it involves compromising our safety - or yours."

That stunned P'Li into speechlessness. She assumed Zhi would push to get her way, but she was doing the opposite. Was it just another trick?

She was suddenly tired of second-guessing everything and everyone. Zhi was far from trustworthy, but for now, all P'Li wanted was to exist in peace. She nodded wordlessly.

"Alright. We have that settled, then."

Zhi reached behind her back and then threw something at her. Surprised, P'Li caught it and recognized her bandanna.

"You seem to prefer to have your tattoo covered. Pity, to hide something of highest honor like a mark of shame," she pursed her lips, "but at least you won't be so quick to use it again."

P'Li took it and covered her forehead, the rough scratch of fabric flooding her with almost ecstatic relief. Zhi's words sparked her curiosity, but she suppressed it instantly. The less she was remided of this topic, the better.

Ghazan finally reached them, as unbothered as ever. Zhi shifted her sight to him.

"Ghazan seems to share your distaste for staying inside. Stick with him in case you get lost," P'Li frowned at the commanding tone again. Zhi only smirked.

"No problem, Zhi," Ghazan replied with his usual sass. P'Li knew him only a few hours and could already picture his lazy grin.

"And while you're here, help Kwan to fix the wall."

"As I already said - no problem, Zhi," he headed towards the hole and as he passed around P'Li, she noticed his expression - it was exactly as she imagined it.

As the rest scattered, Zaheer hesitated whether or not to approach her. For a moment, P'Li almost believed he was afraid of her. Then he pushed past himself and walked closer.

"Are you okay?"

While she was grateful for his concern, at this moment she wasn't in the mood for fussing.

"Just fine," she couldn't keep the bite from her tone even if she tried. "Seriously, Zaheer, I'm not going to break. Stop acting like it."

His mouth opened briefly in shock, then pressed into a tight line.

"It looked like that back in the cave," he replied, uncharacteristically defensive.

"That doesn't mean that I'm a little kid you need to constantly watch over!" she snapped, balling her palms into fists.

His eyes glazed over with something closely resembling hurt. He backed away from her.

"Would you prefer me to leave you alone, then?" his voice lost all warmth.

"No. That's not what I meant," she regretted speaking so harshly to her only friend. If it weren't for Zaheer, would she even be here?

"I'm sorry. I... I'm just sick of having to rely on someone all the time," she confessed, pulling in on herself.

"P'Li… you've survived something horrible and now you're in an entirely new country, with no one you knew before. There's nothing wrong with needing help," Zaheer stepped closer to her again, lightly touching her arm. Somehow, it comforted her and rooted her back in reality.

"You have your own matters to pay attention to," she gave him a sad smile. "I'm thankful for everything you did for me, but now I need to learn how to do this on my own."

"Seems like it will involve spending a lot of time with Ghazan," he spat, as if the words left a sour aftertaste in his mouth.

"Maybe. So what? Just because you dislike him, I'm not allowed to be around him?" she raised one eyebrow. They both decided to be petty, it seemed.

"You can do whatever you want. You're free and I would be a hypocrite if I tried to dictate your choices," his put-together statement ended on a half breath, the unspoken 'but' practically hanging on his lips.

"Be careful, though. He's not so easygoing as he seems."

P'Li resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. Of course there was more under the surface. During their conversation, Ghazan had been unnervingly perceptive, her discomfort never slipping past him. That didn't add up to the image of a careless arrogant boy Zaheer had painted earlier.

"I will be. And you, stop worrying."

After dinner, before she went to look for a place to sleep, P'Li received some blankets from Zhi. The woman didn't say anything and for what already felt like the hundredth time, P'Li questioned her motives. Eventually, even thinking about it felt exhausting. She badly needed to rest.

P'Li found a spot protected by the boulders from every possible direction, making her feel at least slightly hidden and safe. Even with the wool blanket, the ground offered little comfort.

"Hey," she heard Ghazan's voice behind her back. She jumped immediately to her feet, her reflexes taking over.

"What?" she hated how he was able to sneak up on her without her knowing.

"If something happened… don't look for me. I will be back in the morning, but I need my space for now, you know?" even as he said the last part with ease - probably with a crooked smile covered by the dark - there was strange tightness in his words. After all those times he didn't ask about her even though he must have been curious, P'Li owed him the same thing.

"Sure. Goodnight."

As the shock from his intrusion subsided, the adrenaline ebbed away. Her body felt unbearably heavy. Maybe it would be enough to keep her nightmares at bay - while they appeared less frequently, P'Li could never tell when they'd disturb her sleep again.

The night had a way to bring everything back, pressing with suffocating heaviness that wouldn't budge. And P'Li could have read too much into it, but from the way his voice wobbled moments ago, Ghazan was all too familiar with it as well.