After her introduction to the group, the rest fell into a routine surprisingly fast, as if her presence meant nothing more than a brief change of weather. No one treated P'Li like something unusual. However, instead of finding a comfortable spot among them, P'Li felt more and more alienated.
Her childhood was nothing but a faded picture, still P'Li considered it crucial to remember and drag out the almost forgotten person she had been before the warlord's violent attempt to mold her into his weapon. But the more she recalled, the more her sense of disconnection grew.
The girl before still had her loving family and her body wasn't covered in scars. Her forehead didn't carry a mark of monstrosity and she didn't know what human eyes looked like when life seeped out of them. That person was someone else - the only thing they had in common was a name. Perhaps Daigo had achieved his goal after all - to destroy all traces of her personality and free will.
Every morning, P'Li covered her tattoo again and again, the rough material scratchy and unpleasant. Still, the itch of her irritated skin was easier to bear than the insistent burn when the mark was exposed to sunlight. The constant routine served as a reminder that try as she might to hide it or go back to who she had been, P'Li was changed forever - tainted, even.
Sometimes, she caught Zhi's pensive stare on her - each time she returned it with the most vicious scowl she could manage. The woman tried her best to keep her fascination under wraps, but P'Li saw through her - she was just waiting for the right opportunity to strike. Were she a little bit stronger, maybe P'Li would be able to intimidate Zhi enough to leave her be. But as cowardly as she felt for it, she didn't want to confront her openly and risk her ire. What if Zhi forced her to leave? As unwelcome as her environment was, P'Li had nothing else.
She rarely saw Zaheer as Xai Bau made sure the boy was more than occupied and isolated from all possible distractions. When they happened to run into each other, Zaheer looked ready to drop asleep or hurried to go back to training. At times, he looked downright apologetic for not having the time to talk to her, but P'Li smiled ruefully each time, aware that the fault lied elsewhere.
At least hanging out with Ghazan made her feel less alone. They quickly developed easy rapport which brought back some semblance of normalcy to her. In many aspects, he was the exact opposite of Zaheer - keeping both his feet on the ground, not dwelling on idealism and taking life for what it was. Where Zaheer tended to get caught up in his head to the point of losing track of his thoughts, often oblivious to nuances and details, Ghazan paid attention and took everything in, but he rarely let it show.
He liked to appear upbeat, never angry or upset, and make jokes when her mood got down - the more she knew him, the more she recognized it for the diversion tactic it was. She often wondered what sort of fate led him to the group he claimed to dislike so much, but P'Li didn't dare to push him away with questions.
"How long do you think until we move again?" P'Li asked as she visited his usual training spot. Ghazan was in the middle of his earthbending practice, shirtless and sweaty.
"Is that really the first thing on your mind after a sight like this?" his teeth flashed in his usual grin.
P'Li rolled her eyes, refusing to admit that he had every right to act full of himself. His dark skin glistened in sunlight, the effect enhanced by the pattern of tattoos adorning his torso.
"The only thing I see is the biggest show-off to ever walk on this earth," she tugged one corner of her mouth upwards.
"You wound me. I could understand your lack of taste, but why be so mean about it?" he pouted, pulling his shirt back on.
"So dramatic," she shook her head fondly.
She found a smaller rock to sit on and Ghazan joined her in a minute, keeping his distance as usually. As much as he always tried to draw her attention to how attractive he was, he never actually attempted to cross a line - P'Li appreciated it more than she could tell.
"I thought you started to like this place," he returned to the previous subject.
"When we're not hanging out, you're still somewhere up there," he gestured to slopes surrounding them. "Dunno why. You, of all people, hardly lack the experience of thin air," he smirked, awaiting her response. P'Li tried her best to look unimpressed.
As they got a bit used to each other, he never passed up an opportunity to tease her about her height. It took a lot of effort to not react in some way - it would encourage him to come up with more puns.
"Like would be too strong, but as long as I'm outside, I can manage," she answered instead.
"Trouble in confined spaces?" he raised his eyebrow casually.
"Well, yes," she kept her ' isn't that obvious?' to herself. He actually looked like he had no idea, though.
"Zaheer didn't tell you?"
"Should he? It's not his story to tell," he replied, unusually serious. "And it's not like I go around asking."
"I noticed," she remarked carefully. They had known each other just a week or so, the space was definitely necessary. She wondered how long he planned on avoiding sensitive matters.
"But… how are you supposed to get to know someone if you have no idea what shaped them?" she asked, more thinking out loud than expecting an answer.
"Too many people let their past define them or use it as an excuse for their present fuckups. And those who actually lived through something terrible usually prefer others not prying into it," he answered, leaning on his forearms - the pose would appear relaxed if he wasn't so tense.
"I'm not blind, P'Li," he turned to look at her. "Whatever happened to you, it was far from pretty. But why bring it up? It only makes things hurt again. Better forget the past and never return," he finished, his tone changing from melancholic to resolute towards the end.
His words weren't really addressed to her, but they stayed preserved in her memory. Was it really supposed to be so easy as Ghazan made it sound? Was there something wrong with her for feeling like without her past, she had no hope to navigate her future?
"I joked before, but now I'm dead serious. You really do have no taste," he stared at her with disbelief as they ate lunch together - this time, shriveled pieces of vegetables hidden in slightly burnt rice.
"I won't be hungry just because that old hippo cow can't cook to save his life," P'Li retorted and finished her portion.
"Couldn't say it better myself," Ghazan snickered and then passed her his own barely touched bowl. "Have mine, too. I'm kinda full."
"You had just a few bites. Don't tell me you won't be hungry," with his usual workout routine, P'Li was sure he needed to eat much more.
"No worries. I can take care of myself," he brushed it off. As puzzled as she was, P'Li thought better than to argue. Her absurd appetite needed to be sated at every possible opportunity.
The next day, the mystery became clear - Kwan, the quiet earthbender who preferred to not be seen or heard, returned back with supplies, and Ghazan was all too happy when the man let him steal several thick cutlets.
"Now I get it. Shame on you," she jokingly glared.
"Who says I won't share? Count yourself lucky to have that privilege."
"Is it because without fire, you can't really do anything with it?" she smirked, but then decided to correct his assumption. "I hate to disappoint you, but my bending is a bit of a mess."
Before she was kidnapped, for the longest time P'Li had believed she'd turn out to be a nonbender. Her mom always stressed the matter of her bending was irrelevant, but encouraged her to keep trying, at times even more eager than P'Li had been. For some reason, she teared up in happiness when the flame had finally come to her daughter - small and difficult to maintain for longer than several seconds. She'd never learned to summon it reliably or in large amounts.
Daigo had managed to ruin even that small progress, restricting her studies and access to fire so she'd never pose an actual danger of fighting back.
"I thought you were a nonbender," he blinked in surprise, then scoffed. "Should've known you were much more interesting if they let you stay here," he chuckled, the sound like drops of henbane.
"What do you mean?" she scowled, suddenly suspicious. His sardonic statement completely chilled the mood of lighthearted banter from before.
Ghazan's eyes widened briefly as he realized his slip-up, but then he gave her a sad smile.
"I'll tell you later. First, we're going to have some real food."
P'Li planned to breach the topic as soon as they reached their usual spot - hidden between rocks, protecting them from view. Ghazan seemed relaxed as if it had already slipped his mind, humming to himself as he prepared something.
She stood aside, watching him with her arms crossed. He bent small chunks of earth and compressed them together into a compact mass, but kept pressing more and more. Curiosity got the better of her and she leaned over him to see better.
"Not too close, okay?" he uttered through clenched teeth. "Wouldn't want to hurt you."
She stepped back, her sight fixed on whatever he was doing. The earth lost its form, radiating a dim red glow, cracking on the surface and revealing a bright molten center. Looking satisfied, Ghazan set the mass down. He cut away a small piece of meat and carefully placed it on the rock. With a loud sizzle, it immediately shriveled, its red surface turning into a black crust and then igniting.
Ghazan repeated the process two more times until the meat could last more than several seconds without burning, and then finally tried it with a bigger piece. He checked every few minutes until he was satisfied with one side, then turned it over. The air was soon filled with a mouth-watering smell.
"Yours," he passed her the piece after he hastily wrapped it in paper. P'Li impatiently took it, the wait until it cooled enough seemingly endless.
The meat was tough to chew and more than a little raw inside, but it hardly mattered - after weeks of Xai Bau's abysmal food, it tasted better than anything she ever remembered eating. Ghazan used salt and some spices on the meat - how long has it been since the food actually had some flavour?
"Why stay here when you could make a decent living as a cook?" she asked once she finished her portion in an embarrassingly short time.
"You flatter me, P'Li," he tried to deflect, but grinned wide at her praise anyway.
"Compared to my teacher, I wouldn't dare to call this appropriate for human consumption," he commented as he finished preparing the second piece, holding it by the tips of his fingers, still too hot for him to eat.
"Who was it?"
"My sister," he mumbled and immediately bit down into the meat, barely even chewing it as he swallowed - the bite must have scorched all the way down.
"You surprise me, d'ya know that?" he spoke again, sounding strangely hasty and out of breath. "Most people are dumbstruck with my lavabending, you're only interested in the food."
"It looked like molten glass to me, not lava," she shrugged. He rolled his eyes.
"Depends on the type of rock I melt."
"I've never seen anything like it," she admitted at last - it seemed like a big deal to him, even though she couldn't help but suspect he brought her attention to it just to change the subject. That reminded her…
"Now explain what you said before," she leveled him with a serious gaze.
"Which was?" he blinked twice, appearing innocent.
"Stop it, Ghazan. Why should I be… interesting for them or whatever it was you said?" her glare quickly persuaded him to drop the fake obliviousness.
"Ah, that," P'Li could have sworn he actually looked relieved. Maybe because she didn't ask more about that sister of his?
"Where should I begin…" he fidgeted, testing her patience. "Hmm. Do you have any idea what kind of people we are?"
P'Li mentally ran through the few characteristics she'd gathered - outcasts opposing governments, hiding from authorities, willing to kill to reach their goals.
"Bits and pieces," she replied. He waited for her to continue.
"Enough to know I'm not really the most welcome addition here. I still wouldn't rule out someone will get rid of me to ensure safety or whatever. But it's this or having nowhere to go, so what do I have to lose?"
She expected many possible reactions, but an amused huff which then turned into full-blown laughter wasn't one of them.
Is everything just a joke to him?
Her indignation must have shown, because he stopped and put up his arms in a mitigating manner.
"Ah, sorry, my bad," he wiped his eyes as he caught his breath again. "We just have a lot in common. Better appreciate the irony."
"What are you talking about? You chose this, didn't you?" she failed to see how their circumstances were similar.
"Sure did, but mainly because, just like you, I didn't have anything better at the moment," his eyes hazed over with a ghost of distant memory.
"I have a mind of my own and don't agree with everything, so certain members think the worst of me. The truth is that nothing would make me stay if I didn't believe in the objective. I can't help it if someone wants to hate me for simply having this thing called common sense," he still maintained his laidback posture, but his words laced with sadness rang the most sincere she'd ever heard from him.
"Who do you mean?" P'Li had her guesses already, but wanted to know for sure and possibly get more answers about this strange group she'd found herself in. After all, who else would tell her but Ghazan?
"Well, Zaheer for example. He's a bit of a naive idealist who never lived through the worst of it. Books can't make up for the real experience. But he truly cares about making the world a better place and is eager to listen and learn."
A smile tingled in her mouth corners. That seemed pretty accurate to her.
"Xai Bau started training him more and Zaheer ignored how he's influenced by him more and more. Everything is excusable because it will all be worth it in the long run. Hits a little too close to home to be comfortable," he shook his head as if trying to get rid of something, his shoulders slumping.
Her heart squeezing in sympathy, P'Li tried to do what usually was his signature tactic in these cases - change the topic.
"What about Zhi?" she was curious to hear Ghazan's opinion on her.
She inspired many contradictory feelings in P'Li - her indisputable interest made her defensive instincts kick into overdrive. However, the woman never tried to engage her in conversation or make herself seem more sympathetic, respecting her obvious discomfort. P'Li wondered about her more than she'd like.
"You don't want to piss her off, but she is pretty grounded and doesn't overlook things. I heard that there was some kind of traitor among the Red Lotus and Zhi was the only one who tried to warn Xai Bau in advance. They always were at each other's throats, so he brushed it off, but she ended up being right. Long story short, she's probably the only one who can make him listen, even though they still dislike each other."
"Red Lotus? So that's how you're called," Ghazan's slip of tongue immediately fell into place. "Does it have something to do with the White Lotus?"
"Ah. Yes. Um," Ghazan suddenly became very interested in the tattoo on his left shoulder.
"I shouldn't be telling you, but you already have a picture. What more harm can be done?"
"Technically, I still present a danger," she sneered. "But I would prefer to know."
"Uhh, fine. Zaheer would probably make it into a fancy story riddled with obscure airbender guru quotes, but here goes the summary," he cleared his throat and started talking.
"After the war, the White Lotus had everything - the public worshipped them, their status granted them everything. Money, power… they had it all. The Earth King was so grateful for them freeing his city that even included them as reinforcement units meant to maintain the order in Ba Sing Se," his eyes darkened and for a while, P'Li almost expected them to glow scalding red with rage, just like his lava.
"The Red Lotus began with former members like Xai Bau as a way to return to their original principles, and destroy the White Lotus along with everyone who ruled over people. Our true goal is freedom for everyone. Add some philosophy mumbo-jumbo and that's basically it," he grinned, his last addition almost inappropriate compared to the gravity of his previous words. P'Li had no doubt Ghazan was far more dedicated to the cause than he made her believe at first.
Still, some last vestige of childish admiration fought against those words. The White Lotus… heroes, the Avatar's allies, turning into this?
"In school, everyone taught us that without their help, peace would be impossible to achieve," she hated how pleading her voice sounded. Maybe it was foolish to hold onto anything from that part of her life - after all, she had witnessed just how deceptive the world could be.
"Wouldn't someone notice and… do something if they were as bad as you say?"
The stories about the Avatar and his friends made every child's eyes light up in wonder - P'Li hadn't been any different. How could she not admire the bold and brave kids who travelled the world and opposed injustice, taking on the seemingly impossible task of restoring peace and defeating the evildoers?
After she got captured, on days when her back stung with yet another beating, daydreams of times when it could have been different offered her a merciful escape from it all. Had they been around in her time, P'Li thought as if she floated somewhere else, they would not turn a blind eye to what happened to her. So what if they once stood against a combustionbender like her - P'Li was just a child. She never asked to be this way… that had to prevail, right?
"Wouldn't that be just great," Ghazan replied, sarcasm bleeding in between the words.
"If you had a source of water and one day the spring got poisoned, would you keep drinking even though you got sick? Common sense dictates that fuck no… but we shouldn't pass the judgement so quickly, right? We're talking about an organization close to the world leaders, after all," his laugh sounded outright painful, as if wrung out from his lungs.
"See, I didn't even go to school. I can't know shit, right?" he spat.
"I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth to avoid the point," she tried her best to keep her tone level, unnerved by his resentment building so quickly.
"Wanna know the point?" his gaze stabbed through her. "This sort of wilful ignorance kills people and I can't fucking stand it." He briskly rose up on his feet and moved several steps away from her, looking at her with disdain.
Her heart lurched in her chest. She stood up as well. "All I did was ask," she muttered.
"Well, do me a favor and use that pretty head of yours!" he raised his voice mildly, but it felt like he yelled. Ghazan started pacing, his body movements and gestures carrying a strange franticness.
"What did the White Lotus ever do for you? If they were so benevolent, why couldn't they take you in after you had no other choice? Why is a traumatized child forced to live like this, ever thought about that?"
She recoiled, hot shame filling her.
He doesn't know what I truly am. If he did… he wouldn't talk like this.
"They did fuck-all when the poor of Ba Sing Se started dying off like flies. Less mouths to feed, so why bother? But worry not, they supervised it all so whatever was in the air wouldn't spread into higher society. Those filthy peasants had what was coming to them!" he slammed his fist into the nearest boulder, shattering it completely.
P'Li yelped and jumped back, covering her face and curling in on herself, each muscle of her body squeezed tight, anticipating a hit.
It never came. When she opened her eyes and peeked through her hands, Ghazan stood there breathing hard, his fist bleeding and hanging limp by his side.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he said, mechanical and empty.
"Just… take my word on this. So many awful things happened just because of them," he walked away, not sparing her a single glance, and left her all alone.
Since the incident, Ghazan maintained the impression that things were still the same. He still cracked jokes and talked to her like a friend, but the smile didn't reach higher than his grinning mouth. Sometimes, he prepared more food for her while not making anything for himself - it felt apologetic. Then, he simply disappeared for several days.
Despite her initial decision not to rely on him anymore, P'Li missed Zaheer. Their contact got reduced to one greeting in the morning. She craved the comfort of his words - sometimes clumsy, but always genuine - and then felt ashamed for being needy. Her pride and stubbornness dictated her to keep up.
I can't let myself become a burden. No one will be here for me, not Zaheer, not Ghazan… I'm on my own.
Before her captivity, she hadn't minded solitude, a result of not having many friends and her natural preference. Without her family around, P'Li might have gone days without talking. It used to bring her peace of mind, now all it seemed to lead to was anxiety, doubt and the gnawing ache of being utterly lost in this world.
P'Li persisted, hoping that as time passed, she would slip into the old habit more easily. Her efforts appeared fruitless, though. Zaheer's books were difficult to follow, full of terms she wasn't familiar with. Her mind seemed to wander somewhere else and as soon as she caught the softest of sounds, even a rustle of wind, P'Li shot up on her feet in alarm. Even as she eventually calmed herself and sat down, the insistent feeling of being exposed still crawled up her nape.
Too frustrated to focus, P'Li snapped her book shut, determined to go for a walk… anything for the time to pass paster, not thinking of another bland day that would await.
Firm footsteps let her know she had company. At least this time her body had a valid reason to tense up. Somehow, she knew exactly who it was without turning around, and wished to be anywhere else so she didn't have to deal with her on top of everything else.
"Having a nice read?" an unpleasant raspy voice - though a bit softer than she remembered - confirmed her suspicion.
"Not anymore," she answered, tone blank, not bothering to turn around or address her visitor in any way.
Zhi stepped closer, carefully keeping her distance and not breaching her personal space bubble. P'Li still instinctively moved away.
"Philosophy Across Four Nations" she looked at the book in her lap. "I wouldn't guess that one."
Silence.
"When I was young, I wanted to know everything there is, especially about firebending. I craved the knowledge like nothing else and it eventually inspired me to become a teacher."
"Is that a bait?" P'Li didn't care about sounding rude - she planned to make it very clear to Zhi she wouldn't become a subject of her study.
"Bait?" she laughed - a harsh, clipped sound. "What for?"
"You know what," she glared.
Zhi sat down several metres away from her, locking her gaze firmly with her own.
"Enlighten me," her tone hardened again. Such a short exchange and she was already losing her temper?
It didn't matter. P'Li knew the truth and wouldn't back out from speaking it out loud.
"You just want to use me for your own purposes, regardless of what I want."
"What do you want, then?" she retorted.
The question took her aback. P'Li fell silent, contemplating the asnwer, wondering if there even was one. Zhi just lifted one eyebrow and smirked, the expression so smug that P'Li found her words again, fueled by indignation.
"I want to be treated like a human being. Not an object to manipulate and use as someone sees fit! I want people like you to leave me alone!" she seethed, the poison that had burned within for weeks pouring out.
"If I had a chance, I would let you have that depraved ability of mine in a second. I never asked for it."
Zhi appeared unfazed.
"Say… how long will it take for you to realize that you're not a prisoner anymore?"
P'Li stared dumbfounded. Was that cryptic statement supposed to make sense?
"You have all the freedom to choose who you want to be."
"As if it was so easy," she retorted, more to herself than the woman by her side. She didn't even know who she was anymore - if there even was any self left.
"It will be easier if you open your eyes to the truth," Zhi continued, looking at her expectantly.
"Enlighten me," P'Li spat the phrase back.
"You're very strong and capable. What you lack is more of a structure, a clear target in front of you."
P'Li refused to believe her wording was just pure coincidence - it only irked her further. She rose up and moved away from the woman.
"It all boils down to the same thing, doesn't it? You think you deserve to control me," she clenched her fists, her body getting ready for Zhi to lash out and try to hurt her.
She let out a short grating laugh.
"Projecting your own fears and insecurities on me - I'm surprised your bending even works with all those illusions you're trapped in."
P'Li groaned in frustration, more than fed up with Zhi's dilly-dallying - as if every compliment, every statement was meant to just weaken her defenses.
"What do you even want from me?!" she yelled out, wanting nothing more than honesty.
"I want to offer you a better possibility," Zhi brushed the dust off her robes as she approached her, her self-control a perfect contrast to P'Li's outburst.
"On your own, you're in high risk of spiralling back into what you barely started to recover from."
"And you think that you staring at me like I'm a puzzle to solve, reminding me of everything I hate about myself, is going to help me with that?" as venomous as P'Li tried to be, something broke in her as she said it out loud. She tried hard to suppress the tremble in her limbs, feeling pitiful and weak in her unexpected vulnerability.
I can't stand her seeing me like this.
"I admit I got a little carried away," she chuckled.
"Little, you say?" she replied, way too frantic to pass for sarcasm.
"Listen to me for a moment and then make your choice. Combustionbending is a rare skill and it comes with its specifics - if left unregulated, it can be dangerous to the user."
"How fortunate that I don't plan to use it anymore, ever," she scoffed.
"That doesn't matter," she replied, voice grave.
"Anything else except trying to scare me?" she asked one last time, too tired from the conversation going nowhere - P'Li just wanted Zhi to leave so she could be alone with her misery.
"You're very curious and interested in learning. I can give you that if you want."
Against her will, memories came back unbidden - of fire devouring their home, of all the times she'd wished she could fight back, of being unable to do anything but watch in horror as her sister… P'Li squeezed her eyes shut, the image threatening to tear her sanity apart and reduce her into a mindless vessel of helplessness and grief.
Taking several shaky breaths, she mustered up enough strength to push it all away. One fact shone bright above everything else - she never, ever wanted to be powerless again, a victim of circumstances beyond her control. However, to become a killing machine was completely out of question - that cursed part of her was responsible for every loss, every bit of pain she'd experienced.
"I want to learn traditional firebending," she spoke with resolution. "You won't mention anything about my combustionbending unless I ask first. If you try to use me…" she glared at Zhi, implying terrible consequences, but the effect was probably dulled down by the tears pooled in her eyes.
"Now that's something I can work with," Zhi nodded with a satisfied smirk. "I suppose I should let you know in advance that there will be limits to your bending. Your Ājñā is more prevalent than any of your chakras."
It must have been obvious that P'Li didn't understand.
"We have a lot of work ahead of us," she sighed. P'Li almost felt offended, but it reassured her somehow that Zhi couldn't really pretend well and wouldn't play nice to fool or manipulate her.
"These months won't be easy. I can be very strict when the situation calls for it," she continued.
"I'm not afraid," she stood with her back more upright, accentuating the stark height difference between them.
Zhi didn't say anything, just gave her a look full of something unreadable.
While P'Li wouldn't make the mistake of trusting her and would always be on guard around her, for the first time ever since that fateful night three years ago, she felt like she started to regain control over her life. If Zhi dared to overstep, P'Li would immediately go back on everything. She had an actual choice now.
She couldn't be sure what future would bring - no doubt full of pain and hardship, but perhaps something good as well. All she could do was move forward and claw her way towards life that had been stolen from her. She'd never gain back what she'd lost - times before the warlord nothing but ash scattered by the wind. Whatever awaited, P'Li needed to tackle it in ways she'd never tried before, becoming an entirely new person.
Zaheer's favourite quote came to her mind, bringing a sense of clarity; she smiled at last, calm and, against all odds, hopeful.
New growth cannot exist without first the destruction of the old.