Track 10: Collapse

Nohrians are strangely in line with my old world regarding the New Year. It was one of the few celebrations the people still carried on even with the threat of war hanging on everyone's minds. The New Year is a celebration in remembrance of a whopping 365 days, which for us Nohrian Siblings didn't carry that much of a hopeful connotation, or at least it had grown to be that way among the 8 year olds and up. For us siblings who had fresh memories of the various murders and deaths in the family, of which many of us committing those deeds, the New Year had a wistful aura to us. We didn't need to say anything; we all mourned our family members at New Year in silence, each in our own ways.

It happened during late December. I don't know why, but that day had been… strange, even for our standards. Training in the snow was one of the things that had really eaten through our spirits. It just wasn't fun, but none of our teachers went easy on us. Bernard related to us a grisly story of how he had to spend a year bunkered in the snow and rations for just 1 week when his unit was ambushed during late December about 30 years ago in the northern Hoshidan tundra.

Only 3 men out of the original 20 made it back home, and Bernard made no effort to censor how gruesome things became as they lost hope throughout the course of 12 of the harshest months in his service. Out of respect for him, I never investigated what happened to the other 2 survivors. That was the one thing he never told us about, and we had all been scarred by the time he finished, so no one dared to ask.

I'm not sure if it was supposed to be some sort of reverse psychology test or something like that, because that tale really broke everyone's morale, well, at least everyone but Xander. Though we still were allowed to return to our cozy warm beds during the night, we had to spend the mornings drilling in armor and the absolute minimum of winter clothing.

Cold steel is one heck of a killing cage, let me tell you. Bernard has us train with the regular grade leather and steel armor, which was by all means susceptible to the elements. He had used the weather as an opportunity to teach us to not rely on additional equipment. As royalty, we would eventually get our personal sets of enchanted armor with wards to protect us from the ice snowstorms of the north, the volcanic firelands of the east, and the poisonous waters from the bogs that dotted basically all of the heartland, warding us at least to some degree, but Bernard was absolutely making us earn the right to wear them by being able to survive without them. He said our armors would be a convenience first and foremost, not a necessity.

So we drilled straight for the whole month with minimal breaks in between. I want to think the only reason we didn't drop dead after the first week was due to the Dragon Blood in our veins or some divine providence. I'm honestly surprised we didn't lose some fingers or ears in the deep freeze either.

And I was told the people at Blackfrost trained like this daily. I couldn't really complain afterwards. We were in heaven compared to them.

Lorraine though… Lorraine was the first to break. She lashed out against Bernard in a display of pure hysteria I didn't think she was capable of producing. She had been understandably cranky ever since before, stressed and losing sleep over the course of the months ever since we began this joint training. For better or worse, Lorraine had never been much of a physical girl; she preferred staying indoors and practicing magic, as well as honing her cunning to try and become like her mother, who was quite a manipulative person in her own right.

However, Lorraine's mother, "Lady" Bethzabel, couldn't bear to lose face against the other concubines. We were all in this together, and since us the kids were either too intimidated to stop this inhuman training either by virtue of Garon or other factors, Bethzabel couldn't lose face by pulling Lorraine out. She just couldn't be the first one to do so.

I remember that just a few nights before the incident, Lorraine had one of the harshest discussions with her mother during dinner, ours and Garon's presences be damned. Lorraine was forcefully retired from the table by her mother. I had seen Lorraine complain and moan before, but I had never seen so full of anger before.

Again, the day it happened, it was a strange morning. For some reason, I think we all had a feeling something would go horribly wrong that day, or at least I felt that in my gut, inexplicable and ominous. We had all silently met at the training field as usual, we hadn't really spoken among each other, and we hadn't seen Lorraine nor her mother either at breakfast. Xander was like a stone, but it wasn't his usual stoic mask, something Leo also noted. I want to think Xander also felt something was wrong, because he seemed distracted. Norbert was also cranky and irritable as usual, but for once just shrugged us off rather than spending his time scowling and grunting at us. Leo had forgotten one of his tomes for the lessons with Iago later that day, while Camilla had forgotten to groom her hair properly, resulting in a frizzled wild lilac mane that would have gotten us a laugh in other circumstances, but it just didn't. Bismarck was the only one that didn't seem to forget anything, but he seemed even more out of it than usual. As for me, I didn't forget anything, but I was feeling anxious for some reason I couldn't place.

Bernard came to us a little later than usual as well, and he seemed to be exhausted in an unusual way. Rather than breaking out to us what would be the exercises for the day like he usually did, he just gave us instructions halfheartedly and told us to begin warming up, without having any of his usual boisterousness or energy on him.

Just as we were ready to start, one of the maids came rushing to Bernard and us, pleading for help.

We all scrammed back into the castle after Bernard, to be met by an unconscious Lorraine who was already being tempted to, and a horrible feeling permeating us. We weren't allowed near her, and soon enough the hall became busy as crossroads of physicians and healers ran right and left. Lorraine's limp body was placed on a stretcher and taken away.

Bernard cancelled his drills for the day and allowed us to go after her, though we weren't allowed in the infirmary. All of the 8 year olds and up came along. Even Xander and Norbert did, surprisingly.

We all stayed nearby. Camilla was actually the one to burst in tears first, and it was Leo and Azura who comforted her.

I approached Xander.

"What do you make?" I asked him solemnly.

He gave me a stony look and didn't answer immediately.

"I didn't see Lady Bethzabel" He observed eventually with a completely neutral voice.

"So you noticed too…" I almost growled in a low volume.

"What even happened?" Azura was the one to voice all of our thoughts.

"Judging from the scene…" Leo elaborated eloquently. "…I think she fell down the stairs"

And it was plausible, as she was by all means lying in an awkward angle at the base of the stairway up to the second floor.

"Or someone pushed her down" Norbert grunted crudely.

"I-It could have been just an accident!" Leo rebuked worriedly.

"Pfft" Norbert snorted bitterly. "Even if she's dumb as bricks, she's not stupid enough to fall down the stairs. We all know the steps and how to go up and down"

"Norbert, language" Xander eyed dangerously.

"What? You're telling me you believe she fell down?" Norbert retorted defiantly.

"I'm saying we should not jump to conclusions so soon" Xander disarms him spectacularly. "If anything, I think we should fetch Lady Bethzabel first"

"Don't count on me" Norbert replied immediately, raising both of his hands dismissively.

And an awkward silence washed over us, as no one really knew what to do or say.

"…I'll go" I eventually caved in.

"I'm coming with you" Xander surprisingly added himself to the effort.

"We'll stay here" Azura supplied. Leo nodded fervently. "If anything happens, we'll let you know. I do think someone should inform my mother and bring her here if possible"

"…I'll do that"

We were all taken by surprise when Bismarck spoke, his voice thin as a thread.

"Big Brother Ignis, close your mouth, or a spider might crawl inside" Azura jabbed me.

"Hey! I'm the only one who's slackjawed here!" I retorted, pointing fingers accusingly at Leo and Norbert.

I think I even saw Xander crack a minuscule smile there.

"If you've got time to run your mouth, you've got time to be running, Big Brother Ignis" Azura shut me down mercilessly.

I couldn't retort her, so I just gave a look to Xander, who gave me a solemn nod and took the vanguard.

"Keep an eye on the little ones, Norbert" I told my elder, who just grimaced at me.

"I'm not these brats' nan-!" He started, but was stopped by Xander's glare. "Ugh, whatever, just get away from here. Brat!"

Bismarck flinched at the call.

"If you find my mother, tell her to come here too"

The younger boy shuddered at Norbert's brashness, but gave a tiny nod nonetheless.

"Why are you all standing there like some dumb wyverns? Get a move on!" Norbert practically shouted.

And so we did. Bismarck darted with tiny steps towards the central hall, while Xander and I took for Lorraine's room.

The walls and hallways from castle Krakenburg were filled for once with the steps of children coming together rather than our usual skulking and tiptoeing.

Once Xander and I were out of earshot, I finally decided to speak plainly with him.

"She might not wake up" I said.

"We should stop from making assumptions" Xander said trying to keep his expression neutral, but grimaced soon after. "…But I agree it doesn't bode well"

"It was a long fall, and she didn't look too good" I followed darkly.

"We should keep hope that it was nothing major" Xander tried to reassure both of us, but it went unsaid that it didn't do much for either of us. "Whatever the case, our priority is to inform Lady Bethzabel of what occurred"

"Are you serious, Xander?" I deadpanned. "Are you saying she really doesn't know about this?"

"Ignis" Xander stopped me cold. "You should know better than to make assumptions and jumps in logic at every single step. You more than anyone"

I flinched.

"…You're right. I'm sorry" I apologized.

"Apology accepted" Xander eased. "I know you're worried about her, and I cannot blame you for being who you are"

"…Excuse me?" I queried incredulously.

Xander actually chuckled under his breath. It was such a strange gesture from him, so much it wasn't all that reassuring, if I were to be completely honest.

"I'm always observing, Ignis" He followed mysteriously. "It may not look like it, but I'm always observing all of my siblings. You're no exception"

"Bah" I grunted. "Rather than worrying about me, you should be taking care of yourself"

"How so?" He quirked an eyebrow in honest intrigue.

"You're not doing too well these days. I've even scored a few clean hits on you last week"

"That's just attesting that you're getting better" He shrugged me off.

"Or that you're slipping. Personally I think it's the latter"

"You're underselling your efforts, Ignis" Xander retorted without humor.

"Oh don't get me wrong, I know that avoiding Norbert's sword is no easy feat. Guy's brutal as it is" I whimpered gracelessly. "But even then, Norbert is Norbert, you are you. I can't have you letting me close the gap"

"Why?"

"Do you seriously picture me wielding Siegfried?"

"You don't want to?"

"Absolutely not"

"It would be an honor for you"

"Xander, we both know what Norbert or me wielding Siegfried would mean" I said in complete seriousness. "I don't want to be the one leading these kids. I'm not fit"

"Even if you already are leading them?" Xander rebutted me. "Ignis, are you telling me I have overestimated you?"

"How so?"

Xander actually stopped dead in his tracks, and I followed suit. He then turned back to me, a stern expression filling his features.

"…Ignis" He said after a while. "Are you blind enough to not know what position you've achieved among us?"

"…Care to enlighten me?"

Xander actually growled in irritation at me.

"Ignis, you are the support of the younger children" He admits. "I may be the eldest, but I am not lying when I say I am as close to our brothers and sisters as you are"

"Norbert notwithstanding?" I retorted half joking, half serious.

"Norbert notwithstanding" My eldest brother admitted. "Even Camilla, tough and isolated as she is, relies on you"

"I'm afraid I don't see that" I denied. "The only thing I know for real is that these kids need more less things to worry about, and even if I'm not the best suited for the task, I try"

"And that's exactly why you're better than you think you are"

I had to stop for a moment there, as an unpleasant feeling began swelling in me.

"Even if…" I found that my voice was failing me. "Even if I really don't deserve that chance?"

Xander eyed me.

"I am not the one who can or should judge you, brother" Xander said sagely. "We humans can only do our best to live, especially in our case, because we carry our dead brothers and sisters within us. Or are you saying you've forgotten?"

"I could never" I replied solemnly.

"That's what I thought" Xander gave me an easygoing smile.

Goddamn, how could he, the actual child, be a much better adult than me, the reincarnated jerk!?

It was because of small moments like these, scarce as they were these days, that I found out I truly enjoyed Xander's company and insight. Amidst the maelstrom that was this family, Xander never judged us for our atrocities, he simply accepted our darkness as his own, and within these corridors lit by the perpetual twilight, we thrived as best as we could.

Against adversity.

Against ourselves.

Against destiny, if it be necessary.

It was an unspoken truth that Xander himself has also drawn the blood of our brothers and sisters, but how much didn't truly matter at this point. We were far too few nowadays.

And divided we would fall.

"Pfft" I chuckled. "Who did you copy that phrase from anyway?"

Xander's cheeks actually colored a light pink at that.

"We should redouble our step"

He ignored me after that, though to be fair I did nothing but pester him.

Xander was truly one of the few good things about being born in this family.

Lorraine woke up about a week later, though the truth was found out not too late after the incident itself happened. Lorraine did fall down the full flight of stairs, and broke her spine upon impact.

It was her mother, and it had been an accident. That day they had been arguing since early, so much that they didn't even join us for breakfast. It got to a point in which Lorraine stormed out of her room and was about to make her way down to the dining hall, but was intercepted by her mother who had chased after her. Bethzabel forcefully grasped Lorraine's arm and they struggled near the top of the staircase. I'm sure it's obvious what happened next.

She lost the use of her legs, and she was crippled from the waist down. The damage to her spine was so thorough not even the best physicians and staves could heal her. It was a miracle she even had motor functions in her upper half at all.

At least with the current level of medicine in this world, there isn't a treatment for this type of damage. Lorraine broke several nodes of her spine and damaged her nerves, and even though her bones and flesh could be healed, the damage to her nervous system is effectively irreversible.

We have been unable to see Lorraine, as she refuses to see any of us. I've pestered the maids to tell us what is going, and after enough repetition, I learned that she's barely eating and seems to be withering away.

We are at a loss of what to do. The kids of the same age as Lorraine do not truly know how to relate to her new situation, and because they haven't been let in to see her are worried sick. Camilla herself has been spacing out really hard these days too. Xander for his part has assumed his role as the eldest and put on his stoic mask once more, if only to offer us a form of stability. Norbert is the one that doesn't seem too bothered by anything, while Leo and Bismarck have been anxious and fidgety. Azura for her part wobbles between her usual somberness and the faintest of traces of worry.

The little ones don't understand it quite yet. Rosetta for her part only thinks that Lorraine is sick and needs to get better, while Lucas seems to be catching on that something is really wrong, though he's been surprisingly gentle when asking us. Marcus hasn't been notified and hasn't shown a single care yet, nor has he asked anything whatsoever and doesn't seem bothered by it. Xander has stopped me from telling him. My best guess is that he doesn't want Marcus running off his motormouth and screaming all of this to the 4 winds.

As for our dear father Garonstrud, well, he's not in Krakenburg. He's again dealing with whatever business he's got going somewhere in the frontiers, so right now we have been doing as Arete's been telling us. Preemptively, Bethzabel is under house/room arrest and the only other places she's allowed to visit are the bathroom and the infirmary.

She hasn't stepped into the infirmary once.

Xander was the only one that was given clearance to see her, and he had no luck. He was shooed out by Lorraine in a fit of screams, rage and all manner of thrown utensils. After that absolutely no one but the doctors and nurses have been entering.

As for our routines, we got back in track to train in the cold, but it's been harsh like I never thought was possible. For better or worse, we have numbed ourselves away from the physical cold. The training's no less brutal and Bernard hasn't allowed us any slack other than the one day Lorraine had her accident. I can see it in his eyes that he pities us, but also knows that we have even harsher times ahead. We are all worried what will Garon do once he returns.

Being completely clinical and detached, Lorraine has fully become worthless to Garon. She cannot fight anymore and she doesn't seem to have much strategical prowess either, and with how strained and stressed she is at the world, which I'm sure has only gotten worse in the past few days, only speaks of a horrible fate for her when she's eventually brought to Garon.

…And I don't know it yet, but if the damage's been terrible enough, Lorraine may have just become unable to bear children too, which if it turns out to be true, rules her out for political marriages, which is a whole can of worms of its own. I have no way to know this at all, since her development's been kept guarded by the doctors, but I can't help but have that thought.

She may as well be a rotting sack of meat as far as Garon is concerned, and that is a thought that terrifies Xander and me. This is a situation I have absolutely no clue how to board either, as it never happened in my previous life, and also one that has taken Xander completely off guard, if his haunted expression is anything to go by, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, even if he's doing great at it.

Lorraine's accident is the reason we're all so gloomy in this New Year. Our father had made no effort to return for the celebrations (although that was mostly Lucas and Marcus, the rest of us were mostly indifferent, including Rosetta) and hadn't given us any time to expect his return, so we instead just… moved mechanically along with our lives, dreading and invisible clock that mercilessly ticked onward, unperturbed by us or our efforts and pleas.

Sometimes, we can only wait, even if it's the absolute worst kind of torture.

Even the concubines are whispering among themselves. Not counting Bethzabel, we still have a few more of them among us, and though they have the absolute minimum of a mockery of a soul left within their overgroomed flesh, Ornella and Rachael are already planning to take advantage of the situation somehow. Lorraine is by all means out of this morbid race for the crown, and it seems they are desperate enough to keep this despicable mindset.

I've talked to Xander about it, for once, and he's not happy with them either. He's promised me that if they do pull a ridiculous stunt, he's ready to bring down a metaphorical hammer on this bullshit.

I seriously can't believe that even with this terrible incident, after everything that's happened, those women are still treating this like a fucking race. I don't know if they're that consumed by greed or are just as despicable as that, probably both. Is their lust for that fucking throne that big? So big they're willing to thread over a crippled girl given the chance?

Nohr is truly a bizarre place. No wonder it's said it drains the sun out of you, that even if we try not to fall down with all we have, I often feel like something about this country will devour us whole before we even truly set foot in it.