Hey there. So guess who is breaking the "last updated years ago fics will not get finished?" thanks to the quarantine?
Coming back to this story and writing this chapter was so much fun, I'm really proud of how this one turned out. I hope you'll enjoy your read :)
trigger warnings: body dysphoria, mentions of animal hunting
P'Li could feel the bruise on her right hip already forming as her body met the ground the fourth time in the span of twenty minutes.
"Again," her teacher Zhi spoke, still standing on one leg, the other raised in a kick. For being such a tiny greying thing, she had effortlessly continued to give P'Li a hard time.
It's been almost seven weeks since she reluctantly agreed to let Zhi teach her, with indisputable limits on what she would let herself get involved in. The woman accepted the fact that any mention of combustionbending was out of the question, but refused to do anything else halfway.
She started teaching P'Li standard offensive positions, always reminding her to match them with her breath, the proper way to ignite her inner fire. P'Li knew the basics of using breath to bring her qì into the deadly focus point of her tattoo, but pairing it with movement had taken some effort. Although she improved with the physical aspect of those forms, her bending still lacked a lot.
At times, P'Li couldn't help but wonder if Zhi waited for a chance to abuse the situation and overpower her. Logically, she knew the woman had nothing to gain by it, but P'Li still felt like an animal in circus - learning fancy tricks, but expecting the blow of whip to come at any moment.
Today was dedicated to defense. Zhi decided to strengthen her core and stance with some moves bordering on earthbending, and then made attempts to break through to show her how efficient - or rather, how lacking - she was at holding her back. At this point, P'Li just wanted the lesson to be over. She had a gnawing suspicion that this was it for her, she'd never get better than this less-than-basic stage.
Standing up, she wiped the disgusting mix of dirt and sweat off her face and adapted the wide-legged stance - like roots of a tree, immovable, she recalled instructions from her teacher - waiting for the older woman to attack again.
"You won't ever successfully counter my blow when all I can read from your stance is defeat," Zhi commented and dropped her pose.
"You don't believe you will stop me, you're just getting ready to be on the ground again - your muscles are tense, but brittle and stiff. And weren't we talking about that bad habit of yours? No slouching."
P'Li held back an exasperated growl, knowing Zhi had been right. Her stance was too rigid. And what else was she supposed to do other than get low? She had started another growing spurt and her center of gravity moved even higher. Just great.
With three swift steps, the woman was in her space again, this time using her fists. Instead of a hit, fire burst forward.
Fuelled by pure adrenaline and outrage that Zhi hadn't even warned her that she'd switch to bending, P'Li raised her arms in front of her chest, guiding the flames in a fluid circular motion just like she'd read in Zhi's scrolls. The fire yielded, easily dispersed from her open palms.
It actually works? But... I never tried it before.
Her momentary excitement got smothered by doubt. As if aware of the crack in her focus, the flames started whipping chaotically around her face, threatening to taste her skin. With a yelp, P'Li jumped back. A flyaway hair stand caught on fire, which she frantically put out.
"You didn't warn me we would train with bending today!" she yelled, embarrassed.
"You would only expect my attack with even less security than those before, already prepared to fail. I didn't give you time to doubt yourself and you managed almost flawlessly," Zhi commented, a half-smile pulling at the wrinkled corner of her mouth.
"Almost flawlessly burn my scalp off, you mean?" she clenched her muscles, itching to hit the old woman.
"That only happened because you hesitated," she remained infuriatingly calm. "Before that happened, it didn't even touch you. You have more power than you realize, it's your own perception of yourself as weak that's holding you back."
"Dammit, Zhi! I told you to not play mind games with me!" a small fireball as manifestation of her frustration burst out from her fist. Zhi easily extinguished it with a flick of her wrist.
"I am not," the older woman stepped closer, looking up to meet her eyes. "If I was trying to, I would go easy on you and let you believe that's the limit of what you could do. What I chose was to show you you could be better than you dream of - but your mind is the missing piece to that."
P'Li stomped away, her gaze searching for distractions. The horizon was framed with mountains, green with the woods.
After that first dreadful location, they had gone through a number of different ones, always moving after barely a week. At some point, they were forced to sell their Satomobile in order to afford essentials.
Their stay in this place was by far the longest, and P'Li felt grateful for it. The nights were mild and rather warm, so they camped under open sky, rarely all of them together, but divided into smaller groups and occupying bigger areas, meeting up once in a few days. They communicated with distant members only through the Spirit World, therefore only Xai Bau and Zaheer were capable of it. P'Li didn't mind - lately, she hadn't been too keen on company.
The scenery suited her much better, too. The sight of tall mountain peaks stirred longing inside her chest, to be away from it all and from herself as well. Her progress had come to a halt and Zhi's words were not helping.
"What do you want me to do?" she mumbled, defeated. "I can't erase years of suffering."
"Ah, Spirits know I could use that," Zhi chuckled without humor.
"Maybe you should try meditation," she offered. "There appears to be a block in your qì flow."
P'Li had tried before, doubtful, but curious to give it a shot after Zaheer's endless praises of the practice. She never could find enough peace to truly immerse herself in it, every crack of a tree branch or a rustle of leaves had her springing up in panic. Maybe if someone else was there... but even as she grew to begrudgingly appreciate Zhi as a good mentor, she would not leave herself open around her - probably never.
"No detailed lectures?" she shot the shorter woman a glance. "Just that, try meditation?"
"I am no expert at it. Xai Bau says I am too chained to the ground and need to past my studies. But someone might as well remember to not get blinded by ideals and keep their eye on the real world," her nose crumpled in a critical expression, but the usual fire in her eyes resembled cooling embers.
Not for the first time she glimpsed hidden depths of Zhi, which made her a little bit more sympathetic to P'Li. Sure, she was pedantic and strict, but at the same time just a regular woman doing her part and under no illusions about it. The Red Lotus, as well as herself, were past their prime. She latched her hopes and expectations onto her student instead, try as she might to be subtle about it.
"We've worked enough. Until you can figure out what's hindering you, keep studying. Sparring is useless if all it accomplishes is your frustration," she was back to her usual straightforward self, always focusing on the goal ahead and the most practical way to reach it. Her mixed Earth Kingdom heritage tended to show like that.
P'Li was aware of her empty stomach, about to start rumbling in a few minutes. With a resigned sigh, she followed Zhi back to their camping spot. Her days had been reduced to this only - hot shame in her lack of progress, and hunger, at times burning even more.
After a meal shared with Kwan and Zhi - the rest of their group was nowhere to be found - P'Li still didn't feel sated. In years of her captivity, she always had carefully measured portions of food, and it seemed to hinder her ridiculous growth. About time, honestly. Now it came roaring back to life and her body demanded more than her fair share, especially with her increased training sessions. Her muscles were starting to build - at least some improvements to her lanky appearance. No curves, only awkward long limbs and it seemed to be about to get even worse. It was hard not to feel useless, gluttonous and ugly.
Knowing the rule - if someone wanted more, they had to fend for themselves - P'Li wandered into the forest, gathering nuts, berries and mushrooms she could safely recognize. Nothing too good.
Out of their little group, Kwan thanks to his seismic sense could find animals the fastest, Zaheer still bested him as a hunter. He moved quietly with practiced stealth, and unlike her, had no qualms about killing. Once she'd tried and it took several days to shake off the nausea and the sensation of blood covering her fingers. It reminded her of too much of the predisposition flowing through her veins...
Lucky for her, every living thing in the forest seemed to be avoiding her. Even with only trees around, she felt like she attracted all attention, oversized as she was. Zaheer, not short by any means, could always move naturally in his surroundings.
Not that she had many opportunities to see it on her own. Xai Bau meticulously kept Zaheer away from other company, and her own training with Zhi took up a lot of her time. However, in those rare instances they did meet, their conversation flew uninhibited.
There was also Ghazan - talking with him always easy, full of light hearted teasing, he didn't care if his tongue slipped. But he also protected his privacy with ferocity rivalling hers and needed his space - days passed when no one saw him and he returned with new scars and burns. As concerned as she was, P'Li never prodded. He had the talent to make it seem like nothing could throw him off, but she was learning better.
When P'Li got sick of walking around pointlessly and had her pouch full of her finds, she decided to visit her favorite place, a small clearing by a water stream, overgrown with soft moss and protected by trees. It was close enough to their camping spot for her to stay out until twilight and surely find her way back, but far enough to not encounter anyone and feel safe in her solitude. Younger trees covered up the view of the stream, so she often bathed and washed her clothes in freezing cold water when she couldn't stand the smell of herself after training - or sometimes even without it. P'Li took every opportunity to allieviate the growing discomfort with her body.
Stepping between large, decaying trunks covered by moss and tiny sprouts of fern felt like passing through a gate into another world. She intended to spread out her scrolls on a large flat rock there and then practice in private, but to her surprise, it was occupied by a familiar figure seated in Lotus position.
"Hello, Zaheer," she walked faster to greet him, her bad mood already lifting at the sight of him. He turned and gave her a soft smile.
"I haven't seen you in a while, P'Li."
She always liked how he said her name. She couldn't pinpoint what made it special, but from the moment they met, he had put careful attention to it, as if to stress he always saw her as a human being, and most importantly, her own person. Xai Bau had never called her by name, Ghazan preferred a nickname, Zhi used it rarely and Kwan never talked much, let alone to her.
"Thank your teacher," she made a face and walked closer to him. She was glad to get a chance to talk to him. Days blurred one into another, so she wasn't sure how long since their last conversation, but it might have been weeks.
"Well, all that time is really starting to pay off," he replied carefully - not defending Xai Bau and risking her ire, nor badmouthing his teacher.
"How?"
"I can now statistically 7 out of 10 times enter the Spirit World to talk with Unalaq. Before, my success rate was much lower," familiar enthusiasm lit up his fern green irises.
"You're going to have a heatstroke if you keep doing that in this sunny weather," she pointed out, noticing his darkened skin. It wasn't a bad look on him. He would never attain that attractive dark brown like Ghazan, but after weeks in a cave, his skin welcomed the sunlight nicely. The contrast seemed to add new depth to his gaze.
"That's also because of my physical training. I'm getting better," he smiled again, rare pride in his features.
"No idea how that feels like," she sighed, her frustration awakened, and plopped her weight down on the ground, keeping more distance than usual.
"So I take it you're still struggling with your firebending training?" he asked, as if it could be anything else.
"So smart, aren't you?" she scoffed.
Zaheer was used to her dry answers when she felt particularly irritated or vulnerable, so he just waited. P'Li didn't particularly feel like clamping up and sitting in silence - she had gone too long without a conversation with him.
"Zhi said I would be better if I believed I could be. But I just don't get it. She was the one who first told me I'd be only a mediocre firebender."
"She could be wrong like anyone else. She had learned more about you in those weeks," he offered her another one of his well-meaning but superfluous insights.
"Well, she sucks in giving me useful advice," she rubbed between her eyes, forehead covered by bandanna as usual. When she got particularly upset, a throbbing headache started at that point, then went behind her eyeballs until she could only lie down without moving, willing it to go away.
"She never misses a detail when she's instructing me about my form, but for this, she only said to go meditate and not train until I resolve it."
"You know, meditation couldn't hurt. I could help you," his eyes sparked up.
"Well… maybe you could, sure," it seemed so obvious that he would be eager to help her in this regard. She would figure it out and meanwhile spend more time with him. Her spirits lifted.
The moment was utterly ruined by the worst thing that could possibly happen. Her stomach rumbled.
Red colour spilled into her cheeks and she pleaded the ground to swallow her whole. Why couldn't her awful body behave for once…
"Sorry. I hadn't realized you went without lunch," he smiled to reassure her.
"I did have it," she mumbled, hiding her face from him.
"But I thought Kwan was a good hunter and an excellent cook."
"He is. I'm the one who is weird and never has enough," embarrassment felt like a weight, as if the ground itched to swallow her. She'd welcome it, actually.
He blinked, then smiled with relief. "Now what's so surprising about it? You're still developing, it's natural you need more nutrition."
"It's humiliating!" she raised her voice, standing up to get away from him, so she wouldn't see his face when he finally got disgusted with her.
"I always end up asking for second helpings, I eat more than Ghazan and this," she made a wide gesture at her body, "just keeps growing as if I wasn't huge enough already and-" at that point, she shut her mouth, tears burning in her vision. Spirits, why was she so upset? She had handled much worse with less fuss. Her breathing was quick as well.
"Easy," he got up and walked closer, mindful as always.
"Just take deep breaths," he squeezed her hand once, then released. "It'll help. Who am I lecturing you about breath control, though?" he chuckled. "You're the one who excels at it."
She switched to abdominal breathing and focused only on the flow of air inside her lungs. Slowly, the burning subsided and a sense of calm washed over her.
"Wait… how do you know about that?" she turned to look at him. He never trained along with her.
"Talking can wait. I think you could use some more energy, so let's move this problem out of the way first, okay?"
She wasn't about to disagree with such a rational thought.
In an hour, they hadn't managed to catch anything, but Zaheer with his acrobatic skills climbed trees for bird nests. Then, to her surprise, pulled a small metal pan out of his backpack. Once back to their clearing, she managed to start a passable fire and they mixed eggs with mushrooms she had found.
Once she finished her portion - much bigger than Zaheer's, who insisted she should have the most of it anyway - pleasant feelings finally started to push back her earlier agitation.
"Back to our conversation," she leveled him with a curious gaze again. "My breath control?"
"Ah. It's simple, really," he scratched the back of his head, mussing up his unruly black hair.
"Xai Bau talked with Zhi about your progress."
"And you eavesdropped?" she lifted her eyebrows, suddenly amused at the image.
"It's been hard to catch up with you - well, with anyone, really," he looked away before continuing. "And I wanted to know how you were."
That was… unexpectedly sweet. A delighted smile pulled at corners of her mouth.
"She complimented your determination and breathing control. She said that considering the activation of your Ājñā must have been rushed and bastardized, she was astonished you could do it as well as you do, and that it hinted at your incredible willpower."
Those words struck her. She wasn't used to hearing praise, and though Zhi had offered it at times, she always ended up wondering if it was a trick meant to manipulate her. Deep down, she didn't believe herself worthy of it.
"So as your training goes - I am sure you're doing great, just not seeing it yet. And as I listened to you, I might have an idea why."
"Oh? What is it, then?" her interest stirred.
"Have you ever heard of Guru Pathik? Misguided as his act was, he even helped the Avatar overcome his blocks," his voice lilted in the slightest way, revealing his excitement to talk more about his interests.
"Zaheer," she grumbled his name in annoyance. "No more gurus, please. I have enough of my own studying to get through."
"I'm getting there. So, he compiled everything that's been written and taught about chakras and reaching true enlightenment - Guru Laghima speculates even further," his eyes hazed over, then he thankfully remembered the topic at hand, "but that's for another day. The conclusion is, you must have them clear and flowing correctly. Each of them has stimulating as well as inhibiting triggers."
"I don't know much about chakras," she muttered, his words failing to elucidate the matter. "Well, only about this one," she looked up in the direction of her covered forehead.
"Yeah, I guessed. And even what you do know is probably incorrect and corrupted," he furrowed his brows - another tirade was coming, no doubt.
"Your point, Zaheer," she reminded him again before he got lost in his thoughts.
"Firebenders, as you know, are the only ones who generate their element through their breath and qì . The Fire Chakra, or Maṇipūra , is situated on your solar plexus. It is directly tied to your willpower and is blocked by shame, or self-hatred."
She carefully considered his implication… bordering way too close to the truth.
"Then I suppose I'll never move further," she sighed, shoulders slumping.
"Now why would you say that?" he sounded genuinely baffled.
"Spirits, Zaheer, I thought you were smart," she retorted, as always when she was not willing to discuss something further.
"I am serious. I see nothing about you that you should be ashamed about." he reached for the tips of her fingers, but instead of comfort, her feelings gathered and pent up in last several weeks burst through.
"Well, get your eyesight checked," she spat, pulling her hand back and curling in on herself even more.
"Mine is working perfectly, the one good thing compared to the rest of me. I am way too tall and keep growing. I'm awkward and stand out no matter what I do. I need your help to get more food for my pitless stomach because even despite my nature, I can't stand to kill even to survive. And that isn't even touching on the worst thing - I have generations of killers' blood in my veins!" she finished, angry and embarrassed, the words refusing to leave the air around them - once spoken aloud, they unavoidably materialized into reality, all the heavier to shake off. P'Li expected him to light up with realization - she deserved none of his efforts and he'd fare better leaving her alone.
He waited and then, with perfectly calm voice, answered: "What you are experiencing is absolutely normal in adolescence. You could be around fifteen now, right?"
She kept silent, so he went on.
"Under normal circumstances, I suppose you would be at your full height already, but your imprisonment and trauma could release too much stress hormone for you to keep growing properly. Now that you're free, your body is catching up."
"My body never asked for my consideration. I don't want to be a giant," she slumped even more.
"Why does it bother you so much? Most people dream of being tall," he pointed out. Sometimes his arguments, spoken so matter-of-factly as if he were merely commenting on the weather, irked her to no end. Still, once her annoyance passed, she found herself considering.
"When I was around ten, I started growing and stuck out in school - most kids bullied me for it," she reminisced, thinking out loud. "And for my mom as well, which I now understand, because she must have been the same thing as me. And she was unusually tall, too, so it means it's linked to the truth about myself I'll never hide from."
"What is this truth that you believe?"
"You know what," she sighed, looking down. "I'm a freak. Meant for destruction. Every part of me reflects that."
"That's only an illusion, P'Li. Your ability is the disposition you carry, which someone made you use against your will. But what you do about what's been given to you is your choice," he reminded patiently. Even though he was right, it failed to soothe her.
"I wish something else was given to me... but unfortunately, I am this," she pushed all of her insecurities into that one last word. Her eyes stung again.
"I for one find you very admirable," he said, his features softening. "You know… more people than we could possibly keep track of have the seeds of that ability inside them. But they may never have the will necessary to develop them."
"You mean the will to destroy?" she scoffed. Was this his idea of cheering her up? He usually pulled it off better than this.
"Fire as a whole has the ability to be destructive, as the corrupted reign of Fire Nation showed us," his eyes glazed over with righteous anger, as always when he spoke of world leaders.
"But sometimes, such destruction is necessary for a new, better start."
"New growth cannot exist without first the destruction of the old. Yes, I do remember that," she rolled her eyes. He could be so transparent at times.
"You do? Ah," he went quiet for a moment.
"Where was I? Right, fire," he cleared his throat. "It can be beautiful and warm, the kind of heat no life can thrive without."
"Alright. I understand fire. That is not what this was about. Because I was born with the ability to create explosions, remember?" she urged him to get back to the original point.
He was silent for a moment, thinking. No wonder it took a while. What good could be possibly found in such a thing?
"You may hate it, but when you were slipping into a panic attack in that cave, it saved you. I don't think you fully grasp how much resolve it takes, in the middle of emotional turmoil, to stop with hyperventilation and focus your qì into your Ājñā like that. Your willpower and determination - the very source of firebending - are greater than you realize and Zhi sees that. Even before," he hesitated, but decided to continue, "you survived the death of your dear sister because you wouldn't accept defeat and poured everything you have into mastering that hated ability of yours to make her killer pay. You were lost, but you're searching for your way, and growing still."
"Yeah, that's what I'm upset about," she huffed.
"If you say your height and appearance are distressing because you believe they're a manifestation of your character, so be it. Let's consider such a person and what they're actually like," the familiar fire of conviction darkened his gaze.
"Extraordinary, powerful and determined enough to not let anything stand in their way. That's how I view you. And I hope the time comes you will see it, too, because once you do, you'll be unstoppable."
So he doesn't find me disgusting, but instead genuinely believes I am... this?
She stared at him, completely dumbstruck upon hearing his speech. Like the fire burning inside him infected her as well, her insides welled up with it, as if her spirit finally found enough comfort to freely spread out in her growing body. For a fraction of second, she let herself fully feel the power flowing inside he had spoken of, and thought that she might need to grow even more to contain all of it properly.
However, the moment was short-lived and old doubt rushed back in, deflating her. She frowned, suddenly suspicious of him.
"Are you saying it only because you want me to be an asset to the Red Lotus?"
His eyes widened in surprise and for a short while, they clouded with hurt.
"I promised you freedom, P'Li. Look around - no one is standing in your way. If you told me you wanted to leave and never see me - any of us - again, I would step out of your way and wish you well," his sight was glossed over with something almost like sadness. Impossible - Zaheer might have been fond of her, but he wouldn't miss her.
"When Zhi leaves you to study, she's not supervising you. What is stopping you to go your own way if you're so wary we might use you?" he continued, his tone with a hint of defensive edge.
Another fact she hadn't been fully aware of until he pointed it out. Before, she had stayed because she had no other place to go and in desperation, she latched onto the only person who didn't turn away at the sight of her. Now, though… as Zhi had told her, P'Li was seeking purpose, a chance to build her life anew on her own terms.
"What are you trying to get stronger for? What is it that you're chasing?" Zaheer's questions urged her on to reach her clarity. In the moment it shined upon her, she blinked several times, as if her eyes opened for the first time in her life.
Her will only was keeping her there. Before, she had thought she was hanging onto an attachment to him, but she learned to work without him guiding her steps - something she wouldn't stand for in any case, anyway. She wanted to stay and be a part of the Red Lotus. Clear as day, yet it took her so long to see it. Those illusions Zhi had spoken of… she understood now.
"I want this," she spoke slowly, her mind still reeling from the discovery. "I want to be a part of the Red Lotus."
He was smiling, pride lighting up his eyes. There was something unnerving about it, too, but in her new wonder, she didn't think to examine it too closely.
"I was waiting for the moment it became clear to you, P'Li."
Wind blew over, scattering the ashes of their small bonfire they had forgotten about after their meal. P'Li curled her arms around herself, chilly air making her shiver, when she remembered what she had read about the skill of warming oneself with breath only. She was so foolish.
"So… what now?" she eyed him curiously.
"Everything continues as before, only now you'll be a part of everything," he couldn't keep his grin off his face, inordinately pleased.
He offered her a hand, palm up, and she clasped it tightly with her own. Slightly cold, but with her newfound fire burning bright inside, it was quickly warming up along with hers.
"Welcome to the Red Lotus, P'Li."