Hello all, this is my very first 911 sorry! I had this pop into my head as I re-watched the third season and it will focus mainly in that time between the tsunami and the early stage of when Buck gets hired back after the lawsuit. Obviously, the whole team will be involved but I will be focusing mainly on Buck's struggle of getting over PTSD and another event I will be making up. Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think, thanks!
"Christopher," Buck shot up from his restless sleep, drenched in sweat and trying to catch his breath. These nightmares were recurrent, usually ending the same way; he would be walking up to the "Morgue Tent" where he would spot Christopher's glasses on top of the wrapped bodies, he would wake up just as he reached out to check. He rubbed his face, taking a few calming breaths before swinging his feet over the edge of his bed and pushing himself up. He tapped his phone causing it to light up and display the time, 3:15am. Sure it was early, but he had nowhere to be today. He pushed himself up and slowly made his way downstairs. These 3am trips to the kitchen were very common, but he had no one around to talk to. His team hated him, correction the whole LAFD hated him, well with the exception of Chimney and Hen. He figured the only reason Chim was nice to him was because of Maddie constantly expressing her concern. He loved Maddie but after Chimney had come up to him in the firehouse asking about his state, he stopped telling her everything. She knew she meant well, and that Chimney was a friend looking out but it's the last thing he wanted.
He stood in front of his almost empty fridge, staring mindlessly at few apples that sat in the crisper, the beer that sat top shelf and the water bottles lined perfectly next to them. It was a no brainer for him, he took a water and sat at the kitchen island. As said earlier, this was a regular routine; some nights he would stay in bed as his hidden depression lay heavy in his mind. He couldn't look weak on the few days that Bobby had allowed him back, he had to be strong and prove himself. Lately that meant staying behind when calls came and cleaning the house spotless before they came back and the team intentionally messed it up again. Maybe he deserved it, he told himself that a lot, he screwed up with the lawsuit, at the time he was hurt and angry and he did something stupid and, in the process, he hurt his friends. They deserved the right to be angry with him, if roles were switched, he was sure he would be the same way. His decision was not made on a level head, he had been sleep deprived since the tsunami and that was months ago.
He pulled his phone over and flipped through the pictures, settling on the one he had sent Eddie that day, before everything went to hell. When he would look at it right after the natural disaster, he couldn't help but cry. He knew that Christopher was having nightmares, when they were talking Eddie would tell him that. He felt guilty every time and he knew Eddie wasn't telling him to hurt him but rather to ask Buck if he struggled too. It was hard for Eddie to understand what they went through, for the majority of that day Eddie thought Buck and Chris were safe and sound. He only had that panic and worry for a split second after Buck broke the news but was easily consoled when he spotted Christopher. Buck never told Eddie the nauseous feeling he felt that day, the impending feeling of doom, he only told Maddie later on when she arrived at the VA hospital.
With being on thin ice with Bobby, getting the cold shoulder from Eddie, being afraid of telling anything to Chimney and Maggie in fear of it going to the other, and knowing that Hen was going though things; Buck didn't really speak to anyone. There were times he used Carla as a shoulder to lean on, but he didn't want to burden her as she had just started with a new client. He was alone or at least that's how he felt. He had always been a happy go lucky guy; before it all he was the same joking and happy Buck and now he felt like a shell of himself.
He looked at his phone again, 4:45am, he had been sitting in the dark, water untouched and with no will to go back upstairs and lay down. He didn't have work today, Bobby had cut him down to three shifts a week, a probational period to feel out whether Buck was serious or not. He was, serious about the job; he couldn't remember a single time in his life where he hadn't wanted to be a firefighter, much to his parent's protest. His father wanted him to be an attorney like him and his mother dreamed that their son would go into the medical field like Maddie. Right now, being held back, he knew why, and he didn't question it but it only added more to the feeling of being… useless. He sighed, leaving the kitchen and settling down on the couch, he needed sleep, Maddie would most certainly do her regular Tuesday check in. He let himself slowly drift off even though he knew what waited for him in his nightmares.
Maddie had always been there for Buck even though she could tell he was frustrated with her most of the time for being a little pushy. She was 13 when he was born, it was completely unplanned and unexpected it was evident in both her parents' eyes when they sat her down and told her. She never expected to take on the responsibilities of parenting him as both their parents heavily enveloped in their work. That is why she mother henned him and she didn't care that he was annoyed. She could obviously tell that he wasn't himself these past few months, that is why she checked up on him and forced him out of his apartment.
She stood at the door knocking for the second time waiting for an answer; she had her hand on her copy of the key to his apartment, but she quickly let it go when she heard the locks click.
"Sorry I was in the shower." He greeted her.
"I was beginning to worry," She teased.
"You don't have to," he grumbled. Obviously, he was in a mood and by the looks of the dark circles under his eyes she could tell he hadn't slept again.
"I know," she said innocently.
"I'm sorry Mads, I guess I'm a little tired." It wasn't her intention to make him feel bad, so she waved off his apology.
"I was thinking we could go to that diner…uhm, what was the name, the one we went to last Monday."
"Jay's," he called from the top of the stairs.
"Yeah, you said they had a good eggs benedict."
"Sure, we can go there," he called back.
"And maybe after we can go to the farmers market," she suggested after opening his fridge, "what have you been living off of, beer, water and apples?" She heard him descend the stairs, throwing a shirt on as he made his way back to her.
"Sorry Mom," he teased. "The farmer Market sounds great I do need food," he confessed.
"Then we have a plan." As he sat and put on his shoes, she scoped on what she could in the apartment, it was pretty messy for Buck. He was always a neat freak wherever he lived, when he had crashed at her place after her attack he hadn't a care in the world but he always took pride in how neat he was. She noted a couple clothing items sitting on the stairs, his kitchen island had a few water bottles clustered together and his dishes were piling up in the sink. She had to pick her battles though so the state of his apartment was not something she would bring up while he was in this rare form.
"Ready to go," He asked.
"Mhmm," she nodded with a smile.
Breakfast had gone well; he had held the conversation, even asking about her and Chimney. He normally would roll his eyes at that gushy stuff between his sister and friend, but she could tell that he knew she was privately evaluating him. She took the bate and talked about how Chimney had asked her out tonight for drinks, she didn't indulge the details that Bobby, Athena, Hen and Eddie would be there, and he didn't ask. He knew but he didn't ask, he didn't want a sympathy invite anyway or to make anyone uncomfortable with his presence. She quickly had changed the topic to her coworker friend Josh dating some mystery man, and by mystery she meant that he was being extremely secretive, and she had no idea why.
"Probably just in the beginning stages of the relationship, wants to make sure there is something there," Buck offered as he paid the bill.
"Yeah maybe," She shrugged.
"I don't doubt for a second detective Maddie will get all the answers."
"I am not detective Maddie," she protested.
"Come on Maddie, you are a true investigator, I used to try so hard when I was younger to sneak out but you always knew." He zipped up his jacket, holding the door with his back for Maddie.
"That's because you had the world's worst poker face at dinners."
"Whatever, you are a detective, you went into the wrong job profession."
"Maybe, Can you hear it now; Maddie Buckley, PI" She laughed but when Buck failed to respond she turned back to him. He stood small as he gaze darted from the floor to the people approaching, Bobby, Hen, Eddie, and Christopher. She knew Tuesdays were usually their days off, so she wasn't surprised to see them together minus Chimney who had a dentist appointment.
"Buck!" The excitement as obviously from none other than Christopher, he always wore the constant smile on his face.
"Hey Buddy," Buck said meekly.
"Hey Buck, Maddie," Hen greeted.
"Hi Hen, how are you," She could feel the tension, you could cut through it with a knife. Eddie wore the same frown on his face everytime he encountered Buck and Bobby stayed his stoic self before offering a hello. They stood in silence for a minute before Christopher who was innocently unaware of the situation turned to Buck.
"We are going to get Pancakes, want to come?" Buck quickly shot a doe eyed deer look to Eddie.
"Actually Buddy, Maddie and I already ate, but you enjoy."
"Okay," Christopher giggled. It pained Buck to know that he hadn't seen Chris or hung out with him in over a month, I also pained him that he lost his friend.
"See you tomorrow Buckley," Bobby had now reverted back to using Bucks full last name. It was like being stripped of your place on the team almost.
"Yeah see you tomorrow." Maddie hated this, she hated how defeated Buck sounded, she hated that the team was angry at him, she hated that he was hiding things from her and she hated that she couldn't do anything about it. "Come on Maddie," the sadness in his voice made her want to cry but she didn't, he knew he wouldn't appreciate her pity. Instead she sat in the drivers seat, biting her lip to hold back wanting to ask him if he was alright.
"I'm fine," he said, three minutes into their drive. All she could do was nod even though everything inside of her wanted to ask him, "Are you really?
Maddie left, she had tried her best to stay but Buck told her he was tired which wasn't a lie and that he needed to take a nap. He watched her fight the urge to ask him, he really hated that he was making her worry so much so instead he offered her a smile.
"We can go to Stony's next Tuesday, I heard their omelets are killer."
"Okay," Obviously he wasn't convincing enough but she left it alone.
"Thanks for taking me shopping, I needed the fresh air," he added as he walked her to the door.
"And the food," She half heartedly joked.
"Yeah that too," he let out a weak laugh. She did what she did every Tuesday, she wrapped him in a tight hug, she had been doing this actually since the tsunami. After the bomb she was on edge, but the tsunami sent her over the edge. It was like every hug she gave him would be their last. He always took them though, it was nice to have someone there even though he didn't tell her everything. "Have a good time with Chimney tonight, tell him no more darts."
"I cleaned him out last week, its on." She lingered in the doorway for a minute more before walking down the hall, stopping a few steps in and turning to wave goodbye. Then, finally he was alone again and like every Tuesday after Maddie left, he would climb the stairs back to his room, throw his phone on the charger and wrap himself in the cocoon of covers. He would stay there the remainder of the day, sometimes he would sleep sometimes he would lie away but there was no energy, no reason to get up. If she didn't force him out every Tuesday, he would probably stay in bed all day like he did with his other days off. Today was one of the day's he fell asleep, he would be jolted awake every two hours due to nightmare but he stayed in bed.