Walking into the firehouse was not the same as when he first started. It was one giant cold shoulder with everyone and anyone he passed, the only acknowledgement he got was a few glares here and there. Nowadays he kept his head down, at least until Hen or Chimney appeared but today, they weren't around. He made the long walk to the locker room, as soon as he set foot in there it seemed to clear out. It was a toll, he knew that it would take a long time before anyone forgave him, he did try to sue the firehouse after all.
"Hey there Buck," Chim patted him on the back before heading to his locker.
"Hey Chim," Buck greeted weakly.
"You okay?" Chimney spun around and studied Buck, he had noticed it for a while that the energy and spark had been fizzled, but it seemed to be getting worse.
"Yeah, fine," He forced a fake smile on and slammed his locker shut. "I should probably go, there is a long list of to dos that Cap has for me." Chimney watched in concern as Buck walked away, watching as his coworkers weaved in and out to avoid him. He debated texting Maddie, she had stayed with him the other night and had voiced her concern with him about how Buck had changed recently. She was afraid because he stopped talking to her about anything and she knew that he didn't confide in anyone else.
"Something on your mind Chim?" Hen caught him lost in space.
"Buck, I'm a little worried with how he is."
"You caught that too," She sighed, "he is having a tough time."
"Guess all we can do is be there for him, keep an eye out."
"Yeah, guess so." Chimney was just standing up when the call bell went off, Hen and he quickly joined the team, suiting up and taking their places in the truck. It killed him to see Buck stay behind, a glorified janitor for now.
Buck stifled a yawn while trying to sneak past Bobby who was starting lunch in the kitchen. It smelled amazing, some Italian dish he couldn't remember the name for but he knew he wasn't going to have today. He tried to avoid the "family" meals, his first one back he remembered Chimney inviting him to sit but he was met with eyes from all the rest of the firehouse, so he excused himself and ate alone in the locker room.
"Are we tiring you out," Bobby inquired as he broke the pasta into the pan of boiling water.
"No, I uh… I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night."
"Something on your mind?" Bobby hadn't been cold to Buck just a little reserved and cautious about trusting him again. Buck understood, trust takes time to build back up, though it may never fully be regained.
"It's nothing Cap, just not a good night's sleep."
"Buckley," his warning tone made a chill run though Buck's spine.
"I'm fine," he lied as he snagged his salad from the fridge. He didn't give time for anymore questions instead he jogged down the stairs and out to the picnic table that he usually sat at for lunch. The breeze was cool, a mid October day the sun cast down with not a cloud in the sky.
"Hey Buck," a familiar voice called.
"Hey Athena, here for lunch?"
"You bet, are you not joining?"
"Nah, diet," he replied. She did a once over and didn't like what she saw. A once happy and energetic Buck was now a dark circle under the eyes and in happy guy she barely noticed anymore.
"You okay?"
"Yeah fine," he forced a smile.
"Buck," the same warning tone, he knew Bobby and Athena where meant to be.
"Just tired, I haven't been sleeping so great." She took the bench opposite him and gave him a concerned hard look. "I've just been a little stressed that's all, I'll be fine." He found himself saying that word a lot; fine, to Maddie, Chim, Hen, the team.
"It's okay not to be you know that right?"
"Yeah, I know."
"Things May have been rocky but Buck Bobby and I are here for you."
"I know, thanks Athena," he wanted to tell someone, he was drowning. Drowning in PTSD nightmares, drowning in stress over whether he could regain the friendships he had, drowning with no way out in sight. He wanted to tell her and she sat there with that look that told him it was okay but instead he reverted back to holding back and instead smiled and said, "better get in there before everything is gone."
He could see the disappointment in her face but she offered the same smile and accepted that today wasn't going to be the day that she got him to open up. She stands and starts to walk away before laying a hand on his shoulder, she doesn't need to say anything because he knows.
"Buckley," he was in the middle of finishing cleaning the truck when Bobby called him as he descended the stairs.
"Yeah Cap," he hoped that maybe soon Bobby would take away the "light duty" and let him go on the next call. He had tried to prove himself by scrubbing down the firehouse, handling the phones, basically following any instructions Bobby gives him.
"I'm sending you home early," his heart dropped.
"I'm still on for a few more hours," he protested lightly.
"I'm aware, go home and get some rest, you've worked hard today."
"All I did was clean all day."
"Which is hard work, go home and get some rest," he repeated.
"Okay," Buck wondered if Athena had voiced her concern to Bobby. He took his rag and bucket with him as he headed to the locker room in defeat. While he walked out he lingered at the garage door, Chim and Eddie were joking about something and Hen and another Bobby we're discussing something important. He fought the urge to go to Bobby and ask to stay, instead he forced himself to keep moving out and towards his truck.
He always suspected Maddie had that sixth sense since she came into town, after seeing him through two injuries she was hyper vigilant when it came to all matters Buck. He thought about this as he walked into his apartment and nearly dropped dead of a heartache when he found her sitting at the kitchen counter with two cups of coffee at the ready.
"Jesus Maddie," He gasped, throwing his keys on the counter, "I'm really thinking I should take away that spare key."
"Never gonna happen," She slid him the cup of coffee, the steam that was radiating off of the top confirmed this was just made.
"Did Chimney give you a heads up or what?"
"I have my ways."
"Yep, definitely Chim."
"Bobby sent you home early, that's the third time this week."
"You're keeping track," he rolled his eyes.
"I'm just worried."
"You don't have to be Maddie; he doesn't want to over work me."
"Is that really the reason or is there something else."
"Listen Maddie, he can do what he wants, he is the captain."
"He wont even let you out on calls," she protested.
"Which I thought you would appreciate," He threw his hands up in the air with frustration.
"Buck I'm just…"
"Worried; I know Mads, but its my own fault, I broke the teams trust and I am the one who has to rebuild it, suffer the consequences."
"Buck, you shouldn't be held back that's not what you fought for."
"I know what I fought for but its going to take time to forgive, I understand that." He was trying his best to keep his temper down; like her he worried to and she was still jumpy in tense situations thanks to the asshole ex-husband. "Listen, I am fine, and it was good to send me home I am exhausted."
"You're still not sleeping," she sighed. He cursed himself silently for letting that hint slip to her. Another reason for her to worry, another reason for him to feel guilty about something.
"I am, I just spent the whole day scrubbing down the entire fire house." She gave him an unconvinced look. "I did, listen, all I want to do is shower off all cleaning solutions and go to bed, I do have work tomorrow." She took the cue but not so lightly, he could tell she wanted to protest but like every other time he knew she didn't want to push.
"Fine but call me tomorrow, maybe we can grab dinner after shift."
"Can do," He walked her to the door, which was a little work, but they made it. "And listen, no more Buck talk between you and Chimney, I'll be okay."
"No promises."
"Maddie," he warned.
"Fine, but please Buck, if you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and exited the apartment. He lingered in the doorway for a moment more making sure she was out of sight before the forced smile he wore towards the end of their conversation wore off. Maybe she was right, perhaps he should talk to someone.