Buck would be in and out of it for two days before he fully wakes up. The first time, he felt like he had been run over by a steamroller, his whole body aced but he knew it was not as bad as it could be. He guessed that there were some good pain killers in effect because his mind was fuzzy, and he could not even summon enough strength to open his eyelids. For now, he was taking in the pungent smell of hospital grade alcohol and listening to the beeps on his monitor. He could feel the weight of a pulse ox meter weighing down his left-hand pointer finger. He tried again to pull himself the sheet of haziness, but he was far too tired and weak and again he fell back asleep.
When he came to again, his body still ached, and the weakness still weighed heavy on them but this time he pried his eyes open. The room was still and dark, but the outside light cast enough into the room for him to make out things in the room. He would see the lays of blankets covering him from the neck down, the bed-side tray was pushed over his knees, a half- eaten jello and a bottle of water occupied its surface. Slowly he moved his head to the side and there she was, Maddie. She was fast asleep, contorted awkwardly in a hospital chair. He tried to reach out to her, but his arm was trapped under the blankets and quite frankly he did not have the energy to try to lift them instead he let his eyes roll into the back of his head.
The final time he woke up and it was daytime, the sun beamed through the windows, lightening up the pale blue walls. For a moment he shut his eyes tight but when he opened them again, he glanced over at the chair Maddie occupied. She was fully invested in one of her books; one of her mystery novels, he remembered her reading that genre since he was a kid. She stayed focused in the pages but when he made a slight groan from stretching out his sore body, her head shot up.
"Buck," She practically threw her book on the side table in order to scurry over next to him. Before he had time to respond she had already thrown her arms around him, it was painful, but he did not protest. She held on to him for a long moment before she finally let go, with tears in her eyes she hit him on the shoulder, "Dammit Buck," she cried.
"Ow!"
"Sorry… just… well dammit Buck," she replied flustered. "Do you have any idea how worried I was."
"I know… Mads I'm sorry."
"Sorry," she nearly yelled. "Buck, I had to hear from Howie that you quit and then you go radio silent!"
"I know I just didn't want to worry."
"By making me think the worst had happened!"
"I honestly just went to clear my head Maddie, I just wanted to clear my head and then I was going to talk to you."
"I thought you were…"
"And I never intended that, I just needed space." She let out a lengthy sigh and for a moment he thought she was going to respond but instead she embraced him again and began to cry. Finally, she pulled back from him, leaving her hand holding his shoulder, tears tracked down her face as she looked him in the eye.
"If you ever do something like this again, I will kill you myself."
"Never again, I promise."
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Buck had wanted to ask but he was hesitant, in fact he would not know what happened to Madison until his discharge. He sat on his bed waiting with Maddie as Chimney pulled the car around, the doctor had just finished the discharge instructions and they were ready to go but that nagging question that he had held off on was still there. It must have caught Maddie by surprised, she had to have known he would have asked but still when he asked, she did not hide the shock well.
"Is she alive," it was that simple, he did not elaborate, and he did not have to.
"Yes," Maddie sighed, "She is alive but I'm not going to lie to you, she is not doing good." His stomach hurt; he knew he should not but part of him felt like he held the blame for how she was doing. "Her fiancé came by the second day you were sleeping and said she was critical; the infection was bad, and they had to amputate the leg." Suddenly he felt weak again, dizzy and ready to vomit but he kept his composure. "That wasn't your fault," She could read him like a book. "Her fiancé came to thank you; you kept her alive Buck!" All he could do was nod but he really was not sure what he was nodding to, his head was in a different place. She tried to pry something out of him but for the two-hour car ride he would stay silent, he would not speak, he had resorted back to bottling it up. He could feel her look over her should from the front seat at him, worry in her face and then to Chimney who shared the same look. She settled him on the couch when they got to her apartment before she l eft to talk to Chimney. Even with her whispering he could still hear them clear as day.
"Maddie, are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
"I think it best it just be us, but I don't know what to do, I'm afraid he is going to go back to telling me he's fine until it explodes."
"He has gone through a lot these past few days… months."
"I know, I just don't know how to reach out to him."
"Give him a minute." They muttered a few other things to each other but by then they had walked out of range. He was sick of making Maddie worry, sick of being what felt like a burden. He lay on the couch and pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch. He wanted to hide in it, was that childish…maybe but he wanted to. He heard the door close; Chimney was gone, and he waited for her to walk in but instead she stayed in the kitchen, cleaning up trying to work idle hands. He knew she wanted to ask but at the same time was afraid and he didn't blame her, after everything that had happened, she was going to be hesitant. He stayed curled up in the blanket and before he knew it, he was asleep.
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He was on the cliff again, rain fell heavy from the sky and a thunderous clap roared through the sky. He was panicked, begging Madison to wake up, begging her to open her eyes but she lay lifeless next to him, she was gone.
"Help," he screamed over another crack of thunder, lightning lit up the angry grey sky. "Please," he cried but there was no one there. He fell to the ground beside Madison whose face was ashen, her eyes open and glossed over. He felt nothing but dread as he began to apologizing over and over to her, about how he had failed her and how he could have saved her, he should have been able to save her.
"Buck," He stopped dead in his tracks, as the voice called to him. He looked around not seeing anything but the cliffside and steady water channel below them.
"Chris," he called back confused.
"Buck, help!"
"Chris," he shouted. He couldn't see him but he heard Christopher shouting loudly his voice being watered down. He frantically searched every direction, trapped on the ledge unable to go anywhere else. His heart pounded in his chest, the wind whipping through the trees above filled his ears. "Chris," he cried out again, but he didn't respond, he wasn't going to. A loud rumble stole him away from his dejection, he looked over just in time to see a huge wall of water crash its way through the channel before in engulfed him.
"NO," he shot up, dripping with sweat and out of breath. Dread surged through his body like a second blood source and he could feel it envelope him in the darkness of the living room he didn't remember falling asleep in.
"Buck," the tired voice of Maddie called from upstairs. Her bedroom light clicked on and after a few scuffles she appeared at the top of the stairs dressed in her pajamas, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
"Just a bad dream," he replied still breathing heavily trying to catch his bearings. She was obviously not convinced; she slowly took the stairs trying to avoid falling as she was still half asleep. He sat up and made room for her beside him.
"Shh, I'm right here," she sat beside him rubbing small circles on his back trying to soothe him like she used to do when he was little. He placed his head on her shoulder finally realizing he could not… no, that he shouldn't do this alone.
"Mads," his voiced quivered, "I'm not okay."
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I am making this story way longer than I intended. The next chapter will be Buck finally unbottling those feelings he has been hiding.