"I've known," She finally confirmed. She had been waiting for him to finally admit that he wasn't doing okay and here it was. He sat there on the couch with her and it was as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders by admitting it. "I knew you weren't okay."
"I just felt this weight dragging me down and I couldn't surface." A tear fell down his cheek as the knot in his throat grew larger. "I can't eat, I can't sleep; each time I close my eyes I'm back there…"
"The tsunami," Maddie finished the sentence he cut short.
"I have this nightmare where we don't find Christopher, that he drowns, and I have to look my friend in the eye and tell him that his son died because of me."
"But he didn't Evan," she held his hand tight trying to make eye contact with him, but he refused. "You found him, you saved him," she reminded him.
"I lost him Maddie," he pulled away. "I lost him, and he almost died, if I had just stayed on the truck with him, he wouldn't have fallen in."
"He is alive, because of you; he knows you tried, and he calls you his hero..."
"I am NOT a hero," Evan jumped up from his spot on the couch which he instantly regrets when his body screamed at him. "I am not a hero, I didn't save him, that woman did, she carried him to safety, I didn't save him, hell I couldn't even save Madison."
"Madison is alive because you created that tourniquet."
"She lost her leg," he argued.
"Do you honestly think that she would rather have the leg when the result was death?"
"I could have done more," he cried.
"Like what Evan; you were on a ledge where no one could hear you with no medical supplies and no experience."
"I should have gone for help!"
"And risked a fall that could have killed you and then what good would that have done?" She had to take a few breaths to calm herself down from being frustrated with him. "You can't keep blaming yourself for everything when you did your best, sometimes its all you can do and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want but you did do everything you could."
"I just can't stop thinking about it."
"I know but you didn't have control of those situations; you didn't magically summon a tsunami, natural disasters happen and trying to save Madison, Buck it was an accident, you told me the ground gave way."
"I don't know what to do anymore."
"You talk to me; I am right here for you."
"Maddie that is part of the reason I left that day to clear my head, and to stop bothering you with my problems."
"You are never bothering me Evan," she insisted.
"Are you kidding, Maddie I have seen you worry more about me in the past few months than you should have to."
"I am your big sister; I will always worry about you."
"But you shouldn't have to, not after everything you've been through."
"You mean with Doug?" She got up and guided Buck back to the couch. "Did you forget who was worried about me then," she asked. "Who found me, who held my hand in the hospital room because I was struggling with how it ended, who slept on my bedroom floor for two weeks when I would wake up at night with night terrors. She poked him hard in the shoulder, "You did and that is why I am here because we have each other; you are not a burden or a problem to me Evan, you are my brother."
"I never thought about it like that."
"You have gone through more in the past few months than anyone ever should and it is okay to need help, I did and if it weren't for you I wouldn't have gotten it so next time you think you are inconveniencing me, think again because I will always have your back like you always have mine."
"Okay," and that was it, he hugged her for a long time, crying, finally letting go of those emotions he was bottling up and soon he fell asleep again, exhausted but knowing that Maddie was right there with him.
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The week was trying, he did not sleep well those nights and Maddie did not either. He did feel guilty about that much, but she was right by his side to talk him through it. Chimney would come by every day to check up on him, catch him up on what was happening or tell him about the insane calls they had but most of all he would tell him about how much the team missed him. He hadn't wanted to isolate himself from the team not after all they did to make sure he made it home but he wasn't in a good place, so after a long talk with Maddie they decided to ask them to give him time. This was all with the exception of Chimney; Buck would never do that to Maddie, Chim had been such a great support system to not only him but to Maddie too. It goes without saying too that a small interaction with the outside world, with someone who had stood by him was nice.
"Hey, I'm going to run out really quick," Maddie jogged down the stairs. Worry ate away at him, he knew he had promised her that he would not think of himself as this burden, but she looked exhausted, they were right back to were they started. "I'll only be gone for an hour, there is a few things I need to grab."
"Mads, you know you can spend more that an hour outside, I'm sure Chimney would love some alone time," his weak attempt at teasing.
"He's working smart ass, I just have to stop by the call center, I left a few things it shouldn't take long," She threw a few pillows off the couch trying to dig for her purse, "unless you want to get out and get some fresh air." The suggestion in her voice seemed more like a plea for him to get off the couch and maybe it was because he felt guilty for waking her up every hour of the night or maybe it was because he did feel a little cooped up here.
"Sure," he could almost see her face light up.
"Okay, um go shower and change, gives me some time to do a little cleaning and then we can go." He stopped half way up the stairs to look back at her, she was texting, most likely Chimney to share her excitement and he couldn't help but to smile, it was the first time he had seen her smile in a while.
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He was not okay, but today was one of his better days. Being able to get out of isolation from the world that he had put himself in seemed to remind him that it all wasn't bad. Maddie had the windows rolled down and some mixed radio station playing as they drove along the coast, the sun was out and the weather was at a perfect almost summer like temperature. Buck looked over at his sister, she looked care- free, the wind blew through her hair and her glasses hid the dark circles under her eyes. She had made her quick stop and somehow again convinced him to stay out a little longer. He didn't mind; it was nice to have the fresh air, hear the seagulls in the distance and have the sun warm him.
"Are you hungry," She turned the radio down a little.
"Sure, anywhere in mind." He raised an eyebrow to her hesitation. She thumbed at the steering wheeler keeping her eye on the road and away from him. "Mads?"
"Well its nearly 1:30 and I may or may not have gotten a text from Howie…"
"You want to go to the firehouse."
"Only if you are ready." She pulled her sunglasses up to the top of her head and gave him a good look, "I happen to know that Bobby is making your favorite."
"I don't know," he wrung his hands looking out to the beach.
"I don't want to pressure you into it, I thought I would suggest."
"I supposed that I can't keep avoiding them."
"They miss you, Howie tells me all the time, they ask about you every day." She noted how the corners of his mouth turned up a little but quickly fell again. "It was only a suggestion Buck, you have to be ready." He thought for a long moment before nodding.
"Let's go."
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"Something smells amazing," Hen commented as Chimney and her jogged up the steps to the kitchen where Bobby was working on one of his "masterpieces," as she liked to tease him.
"Perfect timing," He smiled as he pulled the baking sheet out of the oven, "Where's Chim?"
"He said he needed to grab something," Hen shrugged as she tried to steal a piece of garlic bread off of the tray. Bobby batted her away and instead gave her a stack of plates which she took but not before successfully snagged a piece of the bread.
"How was the call," Eddie asked from the couch.
"Well let's just say I will not go rollerblading again."
"I always thought that was a 90's fad anyway." Eddie switched off the television and joined Hen in setting the table.
"It's making a comeback I think, though after today…" she cringed.
"Alright, I think we are all set," Bobby clapped off his hands, "Hen do you want to wrangle the troops."
"Can do Cap." She handed off the rest of the silverware to Eddie and walked back down the stairs. She had found most of the teams grouped together chatting and she sent them up but one person was still MIA. She checked the Locker rooms, called into the bathrooms and even checked the trucks but Howie was MIA.
"Hen, Bobby is asking what the hold up is?" Eddie called from the bottom of the staircase.
"I can't find Chimney."
"Hmm, did you check the parking lot, maybe he ran out to his car," he suggested.
"Not yet," She headed that way with Eddie following her just in time to see Chim walking through the side door.
"There you are, we thought you abandoned us," Eddie laughed.
"No, I do however have a few lunch guests if we could set a couple more spots." Hen and Eddie looked at each other confused then back to Howie who grinned widely. The door opened again and instantly Hen felt overwhelmed with emotion when Maddie and Buck walked through.
"Buck," She cried. Without a second thought she rushed to him and wrapped him in her arms, she could hear the wind escape him as she squeezed tightly.
"Hen, let him go he's turning blue," Chimney patted her back. Reluctantly, she let go and Buck inhaled the air that he was being deprived of.
"Come on Howie, let's go tell Bobby we need two more settings," Maddie excused them to give Buck time alone.
"It's really good to see you Buck," Eddie hugged Buck a little less abrasive, but Buck could feel the same excitement.
"It's really good to see all of you too, I uhm… I'm sorry I've been so distant."
"Sorry, Buck you don't have to be sorry," Hen spoke with concern.
"Yeah, honestly I don't blame you not after how I've been acting lately."
"You were angry, you had every right to be."
"I should have talked it out, not dismissed you."
"We all shouldn't have, we know you've been through a hell of a lot," Hen chimed in.
"Yeah well, I isolated myself and I screwed up."
"We all make mistakes, but in the end as a family we learn to forgive and start fresh."
"What do you say, have a do over be a family again," Eddie asked, "Christopher misses his Buck."
"I miss him too," he laughed back. He looked them both in the eye and held out a hand which Hen swatted away and instead resumed her death crushing hug.
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"I forgot how much I missed this," Buck stood by the balcony watching as Hen and Chimney told their story of todays call. Maddie was holding Chimney's hand fully engaged in the tale and Eddie was cracking some joke about a new nickname for Hen.
"We all missed this." Bobby joined him, crossing his arms across his chest and smiling at the scene. "We were a broken family; can I count your resignation as a false alarm?"
Buck stayed quiet for a minute, still taking in the laughter of his friends and the happiness that his sister had when she was with them. This was his family, it would always be his family, this is where he belonged, but he was not right yet and that could possibly put anyone of them at risk.
"I want to come back but this whole ordeal… it made me realize that I am not okay." He looked over at Bobby who didn't wear a face of surprise but rather one of understanding. Nothing could be brushed by him, he noticed everything about everyone in this place, he was the leader of course. "I've tried to hide it, tried to keep it to myself because everything snowballed out of control and it came to a boiling point and then I was on a ledge facing another life or death situation and it only added on to it."
"I knew you were struggling; I should have asked how I could have helped."
"You did, you asked me a few times if I was okay, but I didn't want to tell anyone that I was drowning."
"This whole thing with the lawsuit and everything… we let it get out of control, I should have been more forward with you from the start, I was afraid that you were going to be reckless but with Madison, you should a selflessness that you've always had I just didn't see."
"I almost got us killed, she could still die."
"Buck, you saved her life, and whether you want to believe that or not doesn't change that." He clapped a hand on Buck's shoulder, a proud dad move that Buck never got. "You fought, when we thought hope was lost, we found you alive."
"I didn't give up."
"You didn't give up and we are proud of you, so when you are ready to come back, your spot is here."
"Thanks Bobby." He could feel that knot in his throat form as he hugged his captain. He knew it would take time to get back to whatever was close to normal, but he had made his amends and so had the team, they were a family again and he couldn't be anymore happy.