"—SHE'LL STEAL YOUR SOUL AND LEAVE YOU DEAD ON THE FLOOR, TATSUUUU YAMASHIRO!"
The crowd roared to life, nearly bursting Pam's ear drums in the process. Her entrance song started with a flute solo, which Pam found relaxing…until the bass dropped.
Everybody tryna get a rise out of me
Ex girls tryna get a 'Hi' out of me
I don't talk back less you're worthy
Hangin' up plaques like jerseys
Harley directed Pam's attention to the jumbotron, clapping excitedly as they watched Tatsu calmly make her entrance, a very casual sword strapped to her back. Pam would never fully support the use of props for this clit measuring contest, but "Katana" was absolutely committed to hers.
They ain't upholding the code, the industry full of some hoes
They lettin' like anything go
People are shady as fuck
I keep to myself, but I feel the energy, though
"Wooooo!" Harley cupped her hands around her mouth and screamed.
"Are you a big Katana fan?" Pam tried to yell over the music.
"What?"
Pam yanked on Harley's shoulder so she could yell, "ARE YOU A BIG KATANA FAN?" in her ear.
"I like everybody!" Harley shouted back, delighted.
None of these people are friends to me, though
I don't put anything past them
I don't see none of y'all next to me, though
I think they mad that I passed them
Pam supposed the song choice was appropriate. It was true that Tatsu showed little interest in league bonding experiences…or, at least, she wasn't having an affair with anyone, so she wasn't as inter-connected as all the rest.
Harley reached over the barrier as she passed, trying to get a high five. Naturally, Tatsu ignored her (she was clearly in whatever her version of "the zone" was), but Harley didn't look all that disappointed at being ignored, so Pam didn't expect this to be the origin story of any great rivalry.
Tatsu skillfully unsheathed her blade once she arrived in the ring, causing the volume in the arena to increase to nearly deafening levels.
Pamela decided she very much disliked watching this all from ground level. It was far too raucous for her taste.
"AND OUR CHALLENGER TONIGHT, OUR BABY BIRD OF BOXING, MISS STEPHANIE BROWN!"
In general, Pam took little interest in Stephanie because her tests always came back clean and Pam tended to pay more attention to problem children or women she wanted to have sex with. Stephanie was neither. But regardless, she hated that stupid tagline on her behalf. Baby Bird of Boxing? The fuck does that even mean?
Harley gave Stephanie's announcement the same gleeful applause as Tatsu's while Pam glanced down at the $15 beer Harley had bought her that she knew she wouldn't drink.
Yeah, ain't tryna be cool like you
Wobblin' around in your high-heeled shoes
15…
That's how many years older than Harley she just realized she was.
I'm clumsy, made friends with the floor
Two for one, you know a bitch buy four
It was then Pam had the epiphany that maybe she should start having sex with women her own age again. Or maybe just someone who could stimulate her mentally as well? And wasn't married?
I'm a bitch
I'm a boss
I'm a bitch and a boss, I'ma shine like gloss
Then again, she'd tried that with Barbara, and look how that had turned out—now she had a weird homewrecker kink.
Maybe I should try my assistant Barbara, she at least has a bachelor's degree.
…no, that's a terrible idea, fucking one's assistant is how one get shamed on twitter.
Harley was jumping up and down beside her at this point, and Stephanie did give her a high-five, which got Harley so pumped Pam was a little nervous she might catch another one of her fists. Pam didn't think her delicate nose could take another hit.
Stephanie had the same spunky girl-next-door thing going that Harley did, though she was far more clean cut and certainly less feral in the ring. This was her second year competing in the big leagues and she'd spent most of her rookie season getting her ass kicked, so Pam hoped Selina had better things in store for her this year.
…but according to how this fight was already going, this year might be more of the same.
Pam cringed watching Stephanie take a painful-looking uppercut. From this distance, she could hear Tatsu's glove connecting with the underside of her jaw.
"FINISH HER!" Harley shrieked.
Glancing at the blonde beside her, Pam again wondered what in the world she was doing here.
It can't possibly be that I have low self-esteem, can it? As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person worth knowing. Maybe I have a sex addiction I wasn't previously aware of?
"Thanks for comin' with me, Red," Harley turned to whisper in her ear when the referee separated the boxers between rounds. "I've been feelin' real lonely since I left Mistah J and you're a good friend."
Pam squinted, still reflecting on her motivation. Maybe it's the challenge that stimulates me?
And then Harley was back on her feet, cheering the bell as it rang to signal the start of the 3rd round, and Pam's attention wandered to Harley's ass, which was now at eye level.
…Or maybe it's that.
Tatsu ended things in the 5th round with a nearly surgical body-head-body-cross jab combination. Once Tatsu's cross slipped between Stephanie's gloves, she did not stop her assault until the blonde had crumpled to the ground.
Pam made the wise decision to plug her ears before the celebration in the arena began.
/
"Barbara, could you come in here please?" Pamela took her finger off the intercom button, tapping her foot while she waited for her assistant to scurry into her office.
Barbara arrived in record time, padfolio in hand, as per usual. "Would you like a coffee, Dr. Isley?"
"Well, yes, but that's not why I need you right now," Pam explained. "But you know what? Why don't you get me a coffee first and then we can talk."
"Oh, OK, can do," Barbara accepted her mission, exiting just as quickly as she'd entered.
Pam sat with a sigh, absently spreading her fingers out on the desk to examine her manicured nails. She could use a trim, but then again, based on how things were going with her new roommate she had no idea how long this dry spell was going to last, so perhaps the nails could wait.
Barbara returned in two minutes flat, setting Pam's coffee triumphantly down in front of her. "There you are," she smiled, wrapping both arms around her padfolio and holding it close to her chest. "What else can I do for you?"
"Well," Pam sat back, giving Barbara a look over. "I need to ask a favor of you. One that…sort of rides the line between personal and professional."
"Anything, Ma'am."
"It's recently come to my attention that Harleen Quinzel, who—as you know—is now temporarily living with me, had a large sum of money stolen from her by her former coach," Pam began.
"Jared, right?" Barbara clarified. "The guy you and Selina had me write out of her contract?"
"That's right," Pam nodded. "Now, I'm clearly a very intelligent woman, but I do have some limitations when it comes to my understanding of the…digital realm."
Barbara suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. "Do you—uh—Tinder is pretty easy to operate, if that's what you're—,"
"What? No!" Pam laughed, though it was somewhat forced. "I don't need help from the internet in that department. I'm—don't worry, I'm plenty fulfilled when it comes to—,"
"I wasn't worried," Barbara interjected. "I'm sure you—never mind, I'm sorry, what did you actually need my help with?"
"It appears Harley doesn't have access to the supposedly joint bank account that we wired the money to," Pam told her. "She needs her money so that I can get her into clothes that don't smell like a dirty gym bag and eventually off of my couch."
Barbara raised an eyebrow. "And why is it you want my help with this?"
"I remember your resume," Pam said. "Didn't you major in Computer Science or Programming or something at GSU?"
"I did…"
"Well, I'd rather not physically confront Jared to get the money back. I think it would be easier for everyone if we just sort of…took it, out of the account."
"So…if we stole it, you mean? Like if I helped you hack his bank account?"
"It's a joint account," Pamela reminded her. "Harley has a legal claim to that money, a much better one than Jared, in fact. I just, you know…"
"Don't want to rope the GCPD in?"
"Yes."
"Because that's where Renee works and she's not going to give you the time of day because she found out you and Kate had a year-long affair?"
Pamela stood. "OK, hey, let me stop you right there. For one, 'affair' is a bit much, and two—how did you know about that?"
"I'm your assistant, Dr. Isley," Barbara reminded her. "I literally scheduled your sex dates, and also, in general, I know everything because everyone in this place uses me as their personal errand girl."
Where in the world did this attitude come from?
"—And," Barbara was still talking. "Although you know a lot, you clearly have a terrible memory for personal anecdotes because I'm not sure you realize you just asked the Police Commissioner's daughter to help you steal 30 thousand dollars."
Oh…right…
"So…" Pam tried testing the waters. "In other words, you're…not? Going to help us?"
"Oh, no, I'll help you guys," Barbara quickly assured her. "That Jared guy's an asshole."
Pam hoped her relief wasn't too obvious. "Thank you. I hope you know that I—I do appreciate the work you do."
It looked as if Barbara was trying to hide both the flush in her cheeks and a smile. "Sure, of course."
/
"Harleen!" Pamela shouted up the stairs upon her arrival at home. She was moving quickly, quicker than she usually did, fueled by an odd excitement that likely had a lot to do with at least one aspect of this odd situation she found herself in being remedied—the smell. "Harley, I need you to get dressed in something without sweat stains and meet me in the car."
She found the blonde doing the splits in the middle of her living room.
"Harley, why?" Pam's words came out surprisingly upset. "What's going on here?"
"Oh, hey, Red!" The blonde grinned up at her, unmoving. "I watched this Youtube video that recommended at least 30 minutes of stretchin' per day based on my activity level. You know I'm tryna stay away from pain meds now, so—"
"OK, but can you just—I'd like to stop feeling like I live in the first 5 minutes of a porno, so can you just…close it up?"
Harley frowned, bending her leg to stand. "A porno?"
Woman, were you raised Amish?! Pam was very glad she managed to keep that in her head.
Pam clapped once to motivate her. "Let's go!"
"Where are we going?" Harley laughed.
"Shopping, go change."
The blonde pouted, "Can't I just go in this?"
"Whatever," Pam was already headed back to the car. "I don't have all night."
Harley was hurriedly pulling on the cropped sweatshirt she called a coat. "Oh, hey! Some lady named Lillian called your old person phone today."
"Please don't refer to my landline as an 'old person phone'."
"Sorry," Harley apologized, climbing into the passenger seat. "It's just, I've only seen them in old people's houses."
"Yeah, no, I get it," Pam pulled out of the driveway. "What did the message say?"
"Oh, no, I talked to her."
"Harleen, please tell me you did not answer my landline when my mother called."
"Um, oops," Harley was embarrassed. "I didn't know, I'm sorry. I thought maybe you were calling me because you didn't have my cellphone number."
"I do have your cellphone number."
"Oh."
Pam gripped the steering wheel tighter. "What did you and my mother talk about?"
"Nothin' important," Harley assured her. "She just asked who I was and why I was livin' with you and answering your phone."
"And you told her…?"
"That my name was Harley, that I'm a boxer like on TV and my boyfriend kicked me out, so you're taking good care of me now," she clearly thought that was exactly the answer Pam was hoping for.
"Perfect," Pam groaned. This was not what she needed right now.
"She said I sounded real young," Harley giggled. "Everyone always tells me that, I think it's sweet."
"It's not," Pam assured her as they pulled into the mall. "Did she tell you why she called in the first place?"
Harley shrugged. "Nope! Just that she wants a call back."
"I'm sure she does…" Pam put the car into park, turning to Harley once the engine was off. "This is a debit card," she handed her the brand-new piece of plastic from her purse. "In your checking account is the 30 grand from your fight with Kate, and we took 15 more for your savings account."
Harley's eyebrows shot up, blue eyes growing impossibly bigger. "You did what?"
"Barbara and I did some forensic accounting and found out he's been running this con on your for quite some time," Pam explained. "So…we took a little extra."
"Pammy…"
That's a new one.
"You mean I got 30 grand to spend right now?" Harley's mind was sufficiently blown.
"Oh, no, please don't spend it all right now," Pam was quick to make sure there wasn't any miscommunication there. "But it is your money. Tonight I'd like you to buy at least 5 new outfits that are not meant to be worn to the gym, a couple new pairs of underwear and another sports bra or two. Oh, and socks. You desperately need another pair of socks."
"I don't—," Harley looked like she might cry. "I don't know what to say, Red. I don't know how to thank you."
"I'm sure we'll be able to come up with something," Pam smiled.