December 30, 1999

6 days after the events in Noël.

The final night of Hanukkah.

" Ya basta mi nombre ke es Abravanel "*

"Here this is for you," Jacob said shyly, handing Josh a manila envelope before sitting across from him.

Josh opened the envelope and saw a few sheets of paper inside, he became even more confused when he pulled them out and saw what they were.

"What's this?"

He could read what the forms said, it was obvious what they were once he read the heading, but he was having difficulty understanding why they had been presented to him almost as if they were a gift.

"They're the forms that need to be filled out to change my name. Donna got them for me," Jacob explained.

"Donna got these for you?" Josh asked as he began scanning the papers in front of him.

"Yeah, I asked her what I'd need and she got these for me. I told her they were supposed to be a surprise," Jacob answered nervously.

"Wh-"

"I want to change my last name."

That much was obvious but Josh still wasn't sure if he understood what was going on.

"You want to change your last name," Josh parroted.

"Yeah, I want to be Jacob Lyman. Don't you want- don't you want me to have the same last name as you?"

"Why exactly do you want to change your name, Jacob?"

"Because- because I'm yours and I want everyone to know I'm yours. I always wanted to have a dad and now I have one so- so I think everyone should know that."

Jacob had been living with Josh for several months now but it still startled him how quickly the boy had become attached to him. Hearing him declare that he wanted there to be further proof of their connection so that no one would doubt that Jacob was his shocked him further. In the weeks that had followed the events at Rosslyn Josh had kept himself busy, he was mostly bed bound and house bound but that couldn't stop him from getting his lawyer to make alterations to his will and set up a trust fund for Jacob. Never in all the signing of legal documents had it occurred to Josh to bring up the possibility of a name change, and now this lack of foresight seemed particularly odd to Josh given his possessive nature.

Was it because he thought that maybe he'd always see Jacob as Rachel's boy?

Or maybe because Abravanel wasn't one of those names you could just give up, not something like Skikne or Ziser, unless-

"But what about your mother's name, your grandfather's name, don't you want to keep that too? Or are you still angry with her for not telling me about you?"

There was a panicked look creeping into Jacob's eyes and Josh felt more than a little guilty for continuing to question his son.

Josh wasn't sure what he was trying to get at with that question, maybe giving the kid an out, to make sure to give him a chance to bail so he wouldn't be tied to an unlucky unstable idiot father for the rest of the foreseeable future. Why be tied to me when you can be tied to two renowned scholars who did a better job raising you than I ever could, Josh thought to himself.

"Well, yeah, I do want to keep it. I'm not, I'm not mad at her anymore."

Truth be told he was more angry with Josh at the moment because of a certain window smashing incident that had scared Jacob more than he cared to admit.

"I want to keep their name too but I can keep it as a middle name can't I?"

"Yeah, I guess you can," Josh sighed. "And you're sure about all of this?"

Jacob nodded.

"Aren't you happy about this?" Jacob asked, sounding strained.

"Well, if it's really what you want then I suppose I am."

"You suppose?"

Josh nearly groaned, it seemed he wasn't getting anything right tonight.

"Jacob, I just, I don't want you to feel like I am pressuring you into this."

"You're not, you've never even mentioned me changing my name. You can't be pressuring me if you've never even brought it up!"

Josh heard his son's voice crack with emotion and Jacob looked down, avoiding Josh's gaze.

"I guess I haven't," Josh admitted softly. "So maybe we should discuss it?"

"Ok," answered Jacob, still not looking up at Josh and not understanding why this needed to be discussed further when his father had already asked him several questions.

"I've got a nice view of your curls," Josh said gently, hoping to coax his son into looking up at him.

Jacob rubbed at his eyes before looking up at Josh.

"I got them from you."

"That you did," Josh smiled.

"And the dimples," added Jacob.

"They're the Lyman dimples."

"Well, I'm not officially a Lyman."

Josh's smile began to fade.

"Is that what this is about, you don't feel like you're a part of my side of the family?"

"Maybe."

"I see."

Josh ran his good hand through his own Lyman curls.

"It's just," Jacob began.

"Yeah?"

"It's just, I don't- I don't have- memories with you- or Grandma Ada or- or your dad. And I guess if I can't have memories from- from before this Summer- then I'd like to at least have your name. Maybe if mameh hadn't kept me a secret and I'd gotten to know all of you I wouldn't- I wouldn't care so much about what my name is," Jacob bit his lip for a moment before continuing. "I thought you'd be happy about it, I thought you'd like me changing my name."

Josh stood up from where he'd been sitting and moved to sit on Jacob's right side.

"You do know that no matter what your name is your grandmother and I see you as a part of our family, right? We've felt that way since the second we found out about you and we always will."

Josh wrapped his left arm around Jacob's shoulders and with his good hand he gave his son's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I guess I know that, but it- it doesn't feel real."

"And it'll feel more real if you change your name?" Josh asked gently, hoping that Jacob understood that he was no longer questioning his decision, just trying to understand him.

"It would feel more real if when people asked my name I could say Jacob Lyman, and when I wrote my name on things it would be 'Jacob A. Lyman'."

Jacob sniffled a little then turned to stare at something. Josh looked down at what Jacob was staring at, he was staring at Josh's right hand.

Jacob suddenly began to cry in earnest.

"Please don't leave, don't ever leave me, I miss her so much, I don't want to miss you too" he said between sobs before burrowing his head into Josh's shoulder.

Josh held him firmly with his left arm and looked down at his right hand, at the small scars that radiated from the larger one that had had to be stitched up. Josh awkwardly stroked his son's curls with his non-dominant hand.

Initially it felt like a sharp turn away from their original topic of conversation, but it was all tied together, wasn't it? One giant Gordian knot of grief and pain made out of the threads of the death of his grandparents and his mother and the near-death of his once absent father, entangled so tightly that it was impossible to tell where each one began and ended.

Josh should have expected something like this after he'd realized that Jacob had heard the smashing glass and had seen Josh dazed and with a bloodied hand that night that felt like an eternity ago. It was hard enough for Josh to deal with all his own thoughts and feelings about Rosslyn and his recent PTSD episode and diagnosis, he had no idea how to deal with what his son had gone through the past several months. Being a parent was still so new to him but, even if he had more experience as a father, he knew nothing could really prepare someone to deal with everything that had happened in their lives since July.

Maybe one of his Stanleys knew someone who would be able to help with Jacob. However, for now he decided that the best thing to do would be to reassure Jacob that he loved him and that he had no intention to leave him.

"I am not going anywhere, yeshiva boy, I could never leave you, I promise."

Jacob lifted his head away from Josh.

"But- but you tried that night. You hurt yourself on purpose," he accused.

Josh nearly started crying himself when he saw the look on his son's face but he tried hard not to react the way he wanted to, he didn't want to upset Jacob more than he'd already managed to upset him. It was harder than Josh had imagined not to cry, Jacob looked so frightened and so hurt by what Josh had done, he looked absolutely terrified by the thought of Josh wanting to kill himself.

"I was afraid that that was what I wanted, but it wasn't, it was never what I wanted," Josh tried to explain. "I- I wasn't completely myself when I- when I did the thing- I was just trying to make everything stop- well not everything- just the shooting and the sirens. I didn't want to die, and I didn't- I don't- want to leave you."

Jacob obviously wanted to believe him but he looked wary, it was difficult for him to imagine that someone would hurt themselves the way his father had and not go so far as to kill themselves at some point.

Jacob couldn't stop crying, there were awkward hiccoughing sobs following Josh's explanation.

"God, Jake, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry that I made you think- I swear I won't ever-" Josh could not make himself articulate it, suicide was too terrifying a thought to contemplate, in fact his inability to handle even thinking that he might be suicidal was part of the reason he was in this mess.

"This- this thing isn't going to go away," Josh said honestly. "But I swear, I'm going to do whatever I have to so nothing like this ever happens again. I don't ever want you to go through anything like this again, ok?"

Jacob nodded and buried his face in Josh's chest and Josh wrapped his arms around him.

As Josh held his son he wondered how many times after Rachel and Rivka had died he'd needed to be held like this while he cried. Josh hoped the Siner family had been able to provide the comfort Josh himself hadn't been able to provide before they'd handed Jacob over to him.

"Hey, how about you grab the menorah and we order Chinese, I'll make sure to get plenty of fried foods," Josh suggested once it started to sound like Jacob was all cried out.

Jacob pulled away and began to wipe the tears from his cheeks, his eyes widening a little, excited about his father's suggestion.

Josh ruffled his son's hair.

"Hey, do you mind if I ask Donna to come over? I'd like to thank her for those in person," Josh said, waving his hand at the envelope and papers Jacob had given him.

Josh received a dimpled smile in response to his question.

"And there are the Lyman dimples," he announced, his own dimples making an appearance at the sight of his son's. "Ok, go grab the menorah and the candles and I'll get a hold of Donna and order the food."

Josh fished out his cell phone and Jacob got up and eagerly went about his assigned task.

"Hey, Donna, how about dropping by Casa Lyman so we can celebrate Hanukkah with all the fried Chinese food we can get our hands on."

"I know you've got an eleven year old in the house but this idea has your name written all over it."

"Hey, this plan has got the yeshiva boy seal of approval!"

"I'm having a hard time believing that, Josh, he eats healthier than you do."

"Well then you've got a lot to learn about this son of mine."

"I'm sure I do," Donna replied after laughing softly.

"So, is that a yes?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. I'll head right over."

"Right, ok, great. See you soon I guess."

Donna arrived shortly after the food was delivered and the first thing she noticed after greeting the Lyman boys was that Jacob's eyelids were a little puffy.

"Everything ok here?"

"Uh, yeah, we just- we had to talk about a few things but everything's fine now, right yeshiva boy?"

"Right," answered Jacob with a bright and genuine smile spreading across his face.

Donna felt the worry that had started to form drain away at the sight of that smile.

"You look ridiculously like your father when you smile like that."

"So I've been told," laughed Jacob.

"It was one of our many topics of conversation. My kid has got the Lyman curls and the Lyman dimples, and with a bit of work he'll have the Lyman charm down pat."

"God save us all from that. Don't take any of your father's tips on women, Jacob, you'll end up with a banshee like Mandy."

Jacob snorted, he hadn't met Mandy but he'd heard plenty of horror stories from nearly everyone his father worked with.

"Hey!" Josh squawked.

Donna replied with an innocent shrug, which was followed by a fit of giggles from both Jacob and Donna.

After the menorah had been lit and all the food had been consumed Josh, feeling rather paternal, told Jacob to get ready for bed. Jacob eagerly obliged, even if he felt he was too old to be told to go brush his teeth and put on his pajamas, because he could tell that there was something his father wanted to say to Donna.

As soon as his son was out of earshot Josh cleared his throat and turned to look at his assistant.

"Donna, thanks a lot for uh- getting those papers for Jacob, it really means a lot- to the both of us."

"Happy to help, boss," she responded. "Happy to help."

*A saying in Ladino that translates to "it is enough that my name is Abravanel", it is a name with a history, a name that carries weight and importance but as the title and the story suggest, is that really enough for Jacob?

TGHC extras can be found at the tumblr url thegodshaveconspired.

An additional note, I'm really considering no longer updating on FF dot net or at least updating even less frequently than I already do. This is mostly due to the fact that it's a pain in the ass posting here (particularly because this is a series of vignettes and I constantly have to be shifting the position of the chapters) and it honestly doesn't seem worth the effort since I get almost no feedback/reviews here. Anyway I'll probably let you know if do end up deciding to quit updating here, you'll still be able to find the story and updates on Archive of Our Own under the same title (username ATwistOfLemonLyman).