Chapter 15: Awareness
Bella's POV
I was a prisoner in my own body. I could hear everything that was going on around me. I just couldn't interact with the rest of the world that I wanted to. My body wouldn't respond to the commands that I tried to give it. I couldn't move even a finger. I couldn't even open my eyes. No matter how much I wanted to. It was as if my body had simply stopped working. Except for my ears anyway. Listening to everything that was going on around me was the only way I could be sure that I wasn't dead.
The last thing that I remembered was the car accident. I remembered crashing and then...nothing. The doctors said that the injury I suffered caused severe internal bleeding in the brain which was stopping a lot of oxygen from reaching the rest of my body. That was why I could no longer move or speak. Only hear. The doctors weren't sure when or if I would ever wake up. I worried about my children the most. I loved them more than anything in this world. What was going to happen to them if I never woke up?
I was all that my children had. If something happened to me they wouldn't have anyone left to care for them. Or love them the way that I had. We didn't have much in this world but we had each other. Often times I wondered how things would have turned out if I hadn't run away from my family. I had a lot of time to think about things like that now. I can still remember the night before my wedding as if just happened last night rather than 12 years ago. After Edward left for the night Jacob climbed into my bedroom. I was surprised to see him since it had been months since he disappeared. I was surprised but happy. Until he demanded that I sleep with him. I told him no but he wasn't having it. He kept asking and I kept saying no.
He pushed me onto my bed and held me down. For the first time in my life I was scared of Jacob. "I'm going to ask you one more time and it better be the right answer. I know you want it as much as I do so I do not understand why you keep denying me. Do you want to sleep with me?"
This was the first time that I had ever seen Jacob as a monster. I did not have a choice in the matter. He was going to hurt me if I did't say yes so I agreed to have sex with him. I felt disgusted the whole time that I was doing it. I hated that I was betraying Edward this way. Jacob was taking something that I valued so much. Something that I had desperately wanted to give Edward. My virginity. I wanted to cry but I held in my tears. I didn't cry until Jacob had decided that he was done with me and left.
I felt like a fraud when I was saying my vows at the wedding the next day. I felt like a disgusting fraud. How could I hurt Edward this way? How could I do this to him? I tried to pretend like nothing was wrong. I put on a fake smile to prove to everyone that I was blissfully happy. The feelings of disgust and deep guilt didn't go away. It only got worse. Ten times worse after I slept with Edward on the first night of our marriage. I wanted so desperately to cry as I looked into his golden eyes that night. The guilt was bad enough to the point where I had to disappear. I could not stay with Edward knowing that I had betrayed him so badly. So I started planning how I was going to leave. I had to wait for the right moment. So as soon as he left Isle Esme to go hunting I made my escape.
Edward was going to hurt when he found out that I left him but it would hurt him worse to know what I did. It was better off this way. I thought I was also protecting Jacob at the time. Even though he had forced me into this I still loved him to. A part of me loved Jacob at the time. That was why I named one of our sons after him. It was not until years later that I realized that what happened that night was rape. I didn't want to do it. The only reason I broke down and said yes was because my instincts were telling me I was going to get hurt if I said no again.
Life was not easy but things would have been a lot worse if I would have stayed behind. Edward would have hated me and he would have hated my children. The rest of the family would have also hated me for hurting Edward. For betraying him in such a horrible way when all he ever did was loved me. So it was better this way that the Cullen family never find out what happened to me that night.
I had my kids and that was all that mattered. Loving them, providing for them, that was all that mattered to me. Even if I had to work two jobs at McDonald's and Walmart. Back to back shifts with little to no sleep. As long as I made enough money to keep us from going homeless that was all that mattered.
Until the day of that fateful car accident. I was on my way to my second job when the accident happened. I was terrified when I woke up in that hospital only to discover that I couldn't move or even open up my eyes.
Mu children visited me at the hospital everyday. They talked to me about everything going on. I was relieved to hear that they were being taken care of in foster care. Oh how I wished that I could talk to them. Reassure them that I was going to be okay. When my kids weren't there talking to me there was nothing. Occasionally I would hear doctors coming in to check on me but that was it. My mind barely even registered the passing time.
Then one night I heard something strange going on outside my door. "Sir you can't go back there. Visiting hours are over," I recognized the voice of Dr. Lawrence. He was the doctor who looked after me during the night.
"I just need thirty minutes. That's all that I'm asking for," my heart skipped several beats when I heard Mr. Jones, my Walmart manager, outside of my door. On several occasions he's made sexist comments about my body and has accidentally touched me in inappropriate places. I always avoided being alone with him at all costs because he made me feel so uncomfortable. I would've quit my job if I didn't need it so badly. He was a rich, sexist, asshole who felt he can treat women however he wanted. I didn't even understand why he worked when he had so much money.
"Look doctor I will give you five hundred dollars if you let me go back there. Two hundred and fifty for letting me go back there and the other two hundred and fifty for erasing the video footage,"
"What are you planning-"
"I think you know the answer doctor. Look I'll give you seven hundred dollars,"
"Make it a thoussnd dollars and you have a deal,"
"You drive a hard bargain doctor but you have a deal,"
I heard the door open and then close. "My my Bella. You really are beautiful. You have no idea how badly I've wanted this for a long time,"
I wanted to scream and fight but I couldn't. I was a prisoner in my own body. I couldn't defend myself. There was no one to protect me. That night I was raped for the second time in my life. I wished that at least I would've been unconscious. Instead I was forced to listen to him talk about how much pleasure he was getting from raping me.
The next day when my kids came to visit I was happy that I couldn't speak. I wouldn't have been able to contain how upset I was. For the next several weeks I was terrified to be there alone at night. Then one day my kids stopped visiting.
I knew something was wrong when I overheard one doctor telling another not to mention my children around me. I tried not to panic. Surely nothing terrible happened, right? More and more days passed. I grew more and more worried. Where were they? Why weren't they here with me?
Over a week passed when I finally heard my daughter's voice again. "Mom I've missed you," she said. "I've missed you so much. I wish you would just wake up already. I found them you know. I don't know I did it really but I found them and they're here. The Cullens. Edward they're-"
What?! My heart rate skyrocketed. No they couldn't be here! They couldn't have found me after all these years!
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