I Care

"Jay, honestly!" Pixal stood over him, frowning darkly as he retched into a bowl. "Can't you keep anything down?"

Jay's eyes watered as he tried to fight his nausea. It was no use. Merv had forced him to eat the entire bowl of medicine, and his years of conditioning had kicked in, making him throw it all back up.

I hate this, he thought as he upheaved again, body trembling. I hate this so, so much. Why can't they leave me alone?

"It's okay, Jay," Merv said gently, hand rubbing the small of his back. "I'm sorry. But please, try to keep at least a bit in your body. You need to heal."

Jay managed a nod, shoulders tense as he swallowed a final wave of bile. Fight it, you good for nothing bastard. You should be stronger than this. Merv needs you.

Eventually the sickness receded and Jay set the bowl aside. Its contents rippled with his shaking hands. Merv dabbed his mouth with a rag, then gave him a canteen of water. He drank gratefully, washing away the odious flavor that lingered in his mouth.

"You did that on purpose," Pixal said, walking around the fire. "You're being a jerk, you know. Merv spent hours gathering ingredients for that one bowl. And you just vomited it back up like a-"

"Pixal." Merv took the now almost empty canteen from Jay and poured the rest of the liquid onto another rag. She held it over the coals to heat it. "It's all right. He's sick. I knew there was a chance he would not be able to keep it down."

Pixal turned away with a huff.

Jay was too ashamed to meet Merv's eyes. Instead he focused on Momo, who lay stretched out on a bed of straw by the fire. The little pup's side rose and fell slowly, eyes closed as it slept. It was so skinny. So feeble. So entirely dependent on others for its survival.

How ironic.

"I'm sorry," Jay said hoarsely. "I did try. It's just...hard."

"I know," Merv murmured, using her wet cloth to wash the sweat from his face. "Don't apologize. Thank you for trying." She moved to his back, the rag comfortably warm.

Pixal grumbled something unintelligible, kicking up dust with her boot. She plopped down in a chair and began to file her nails with a stone she'd left on the table earlier.

"We need to lose her," Merv whispered. "I don't know how much more of her I can take before I..." She flushed. "...snap."

"Snap?" Jay ventured a smile. "Hosts forbid."

"I'm serious!" Merv hissed. "She was invaluable yesterday when she helped us escape. But what good is escaping if her negativity infects us?"

"What negativity? She's being truthful."

Merv gave him a look.

"Okay," Jay sighed, "so she lacks tact. But I'll be honest: I like her. She says it like it is without any sugarcoating."

"She is hurting you!"

"No," Jay said. "No, she isn't, Merv. I'm relieved that she treats me that way. It's a nice change of pace from your false hopes-" He caught himself a second too late, and he cringed. Me and my big mouth. I got too relaxed. Stupid.

Merv's expression was stone as she dropped the rag and stood. "I have been patient," she said. "I have gone out of my way to encourage you. And yet you tell me you like that...that thing's attitude better than mine?"

"Merv, please-"

She slapped him, eyes fiery. "Don't talk to me," she said, voice rising steadily. "Talk to your honest friend over there. Because my opinion clearly doesn't matter to you!" She turned on her heel and stormed from the cave, hands clenched at her sides.

Jay's body slumped, and he growled softly. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Nice," Pixal said, running the stone along her fingernail, not looking up. "Very nice, Milord. You should write a book: Insulting Women in Fifteen Words or Less."

Jay couldn't breathe. His chest constricted, and his mind spun. Idiot! he screamed in his mind, throwing off the blankets. How stupid are you, Jay? "Where is my shirt? And my leg?"

Pixal stood and grabbed a bundle from a shelf against the wall. She dropped it at Jay's feet, then went back to her seat and resumed filing her nails.

"Thanks." Jay unrolled his shirt and slid his arms into it, leaving it unbuttoned, and strapped on his leg.

"Don't get lost," Pixal said. "And try to come back in two pieces."

"Sure," Jay replied before scrambling out of the hole after Merv.

It had been three days since the Transformation, and Sage could sense Cole was losing the battle for his mind. It was a slow process, and he wasn't nearly gone yet. But it felt fast to Sage, who clung desperately to his every word, his every movement, his every intake of breath.

Because she knew that soon- far too soon- she would be forced to leave and never see him again.

Cole sat against the wall, fully clothed: his skin was not sensitive anymore. No, his pain now was internal, caused by his every muscle.

Sage's inquisitive side was fascinated. He could still feel with his skin, but it no longer caused him pain. His skin was invincible, but its texture was undoubtedly fleshy.

His strong and steady hand wielded his pencil, and he hummed as he wrote on his staff paper. His eyes- deep, crystalline green, gentle yet intense- continuously moved between the paper and Sage's face. The latter making him smile. Every time, he smiled.

Sage found it difficult to smile back.

He moved so he leaned on her shoulder comfortably as he worked, his other hand entwined in hers. They were both quiet people by nature, and their relationship had been built off of quiet moments, doing nothing together. Watching the sunset. Watching the trees rustle in the breeze. Watching Vara play in the grove with the two children in her care. Simple, sweet things.

"Vara," Sage said. "Where is she? You have not talked of her."

Cole paused, eyes dimming, and set his pencil in the book's spine.

Dread filled Sage's heart. "What happened?"

Cole blinked slowly, his eyes distant. "Dead," he whispered. "I...left her. And she died."

...Dead?

Sage removed her hand from under Chedva, who snored softly on her lap, and set it on Cole's thigh. She and Vara had been close, even before meeting Cole. Varasach had been like a little sister to her.

"I am sorry," she said. "I know how much she meant to you."

Cole wrapped both arms around her, burying his face in her hair. "I'm sorry too," he whispered. "I should have told you sooner. But...I just didn't even want to think about it. It hurts."

Sage returned his embrace, closing her eyes against tears.

It hurts. It really does.

Merv knelt in the sand by the river, eyes closed. The breeze was lukewarm, and the rain, now reduced to a drizzle as the storm receded, dusted her cheeks.

Water terrified Merv. She'd gone through too many tortures over the years to ever feel comfortable around it.

But we hardly have time for comfort, she told herself firmly, opening her eyes. She stood and brushed off her legs. Her body trembled as she approached the gurgling, churning water, and her heart beat loudly and painfully in her chest.

And then it came crashing down on her like a tidal wave, drowning her in terror.

No!

With a growl she seized her fear...

...and plunged her hand into the water.

It was cold. She dug her fingers into the sand as an anchor and closed her eyes again, feeling the strong current shove the sand in tight swirls, tickling her fingers.

I'm doing it, she thought, managing a nervous smile. I'm…becoming stronger than my fears. Yes!

"Merv!" came a call from behind her, followed by uneven footsteps.

Merv mumbled a curse. It was Jay. Of course he would follow me. I should have stayed close by. This isn't healthy for him...

She kept her hand in the water as Jay approached, breathing heavily.

"Merv," he panted, stopping behind her. "I'm really sorry. That was stupid of me. I didn't really mean what I said. It just...came out."

"You said exactly what you meant," Merv said coolly, opening her eyes, watching the current carry its debris downstream. "And that's your problem. You don't always think before you speak."

"True. But I'm trying, Merv. I promise, I've been trying really hard lately to keep my opinions to myself so I don't hurt people like I just hurt you. The thing is, I do have opinions. And I do want to share them with everyone. But I always end up offending someone, so..." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm doing it again."

Merv smiled. Thankfully she had her back turned so Jay couldn't see it. He's acting like John again. The thought gave her comfort, and she put her other hand in the water.

"Don't ever apologize for your opinions," Merv said. "Just try to have some tact when you speak them out loud."

"...Okay." Jay stepped closer. His limp was obvious: Merv could hear his foot dragging each time he moved forward. "So...I know it's a long shot, but can you forgive me?"

Of course, she thought, though the words died before they reached her lips. The truth was, she didn't forgive him. Not entirely. Not yet.

It frustrated her that for all her effort, for all her patience, Jay preferred Pixal's opinion over hers. Pixal! That Nindroid wasn't even making an effort to be kind, and yet Jay was more eager to listen to her than Merv, his childhood friend? They'd known each other since infancy! Why, they were practically siblings!

And then that stupid, self-centered Nindroid had to come into the picture and get between her and her best friend. The friend that she'd waited on for fifteen long, hard winters of pain and whoredom.

The pain, the pain... She spread one hand under the water and looked at her palm, lumpy and discolored from those burns. Burns inflicted on her when Jay left her.

Because Jay left her.

What did I do? Merv wondered, fighting her frustration. What did I do to deserve this?

"Yes," she whispered. "Yes, I can forgive you."

But not yet.

"Thank you." Jay took the last step, then awkwardly lowered himself to the sand next to her. "What are you doing?"

Merv met his eyes for the first time, and was immediately struck by how hollow they were. Guilty, depressed. He really is sorry for what he said. That realization didn't make her any more inclined to forgive him just yet.

"I'm...playing in the sand," she lied. To strengthen her alibi, she dug her fingers deeper into the cold earth. "It's fun. Sometimes I find interesting stuff, too."

"Stuff?" Jay leaned in.

"Rocks. Sticks. And then there are times that..." Her hand struck something hard. It had too many curves to be a rock, and was too soft to be a tree branch. Curious, she grabbed it and pulled it from the current.

She screamed.

"This looks...promising," Zane said, hiding a frown as he examined the establishment before him: a cheap inn called Crooked Door. Hardly appealing. And Zane was certain, just from looking through the grimy window at the patrons inside, that the beds would probably be filled with disease from unwashed sheets and unswept floors.

"I know, it's not very good," Josi said. "But I don't have much money."

"I thought you were close to Cyrus. Wouldn't he make sure you have enough coins for a more...comfortable night?"

"Hardly," Josi said, smiling as though what he said were funny. "My kind doesn't need comfort. We can't fall to any illness, and no matter what kind of lumpy, misshapen mattress we sleep in, we wake up fresh. Cyrus uses the bulk of his funds on the refugees."

Sheepishly, she laughed. "That, and...I ran out of money. I've been away longer than I planned, and my own funds are a bit short."

"I...see." Zane frowned. Her kind? What does that even mean? He wished Duskweaver had some moonlight left so he could scan her and figure out what race she was. Impervious to cold, disease, fatigue, and muscle pain. I wish I were half as resilient as her. I'm freezing. It was taking a ridiculous amount of extra energy to keep his inner parts warm, and he was exhausted and sore.

"I'm going to the other inn we passed a quarter mile back," he said. "Please, come with me. I'll pay for your room."

"I shouldn't," Josi said quickly. "It wouldn't be right to impose myself on you."

"Nonsense." Zane turned his horse around, gesturing for her to follow. "It's the least I can do after all the information you gave me."

Josi hesitated, then nodded. "Thank you," she said. "Let's go, before it gets too dark."

Kai awakened from his nightmare with a voluminous gasp, throwing the blankets from his body. He shuddered at the sudden cold. His clothing was saturated in sweat, and he hastily pulled that off too. The shirt was too close. His pants were too tight.

They weren't, really. Kai knew he was just struggling with claustrophobia. It was always worse after a nightmare.

A little voice in the back of his mind whispered that he shouldn't be naked: bad things happened when he was unclothed.

What bad things? He couldn't remember.

I've gotta hide, he thought, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed. I've gotta get off the bed. This isn't safe. Why was he in so much danger? He couldn't remember that, either. He seemed to be forgetting a lot of stuff lately. It was annoying, but he was coping.

His bare feet touched something warm on the floor, and he recoiled with a yelp. After gathering his wits he looked down.

It was Besai. She was sleeping. But why on the floor? Kai frowned. Why hadn't she slept on the bed with him?

Because she doesn't care, Sanguine, that constant voice in his head whispered.

Oh. Yeah. Kai had forgotten about that. Hmm...

Well...I care. Kai struggled to fend off the negative voice. He found it harder every day. I do care. He took one of his blankets and knelt next to her, covering her body with it. Then he paused, looking at her face. It was wet, as were the stones beneath her head. Had she been crying again?

Kai retrieved his pillow for her. He lifted her head and situated the pillow under it, then wiped her face with his thumb. I care, he said once more, for good measure. And no matter what else happens, I won't let myself forget that.

A human hand.

Merv dropped it and scrambled backwards, breathing hard. "Never again!" She shuddered. "I am never touching water again!" She saw Jay and gasped. "No! Jay, what are you doing?"

"It looks like an arm's attached to it," Jay explained, fishing into the water. He swallowed a bout of nausea and lifted the hand out of the water. It was surprisingly limp. Had rigor mortis not set in yet?

The hand was indeed attached to an arm. And with a slight tug, Jay unearthed the shoulder. And then the head.

That face was barely recognizable as human: the sand had scrubbed away much of the skin, revealing...metal...underneath.

Metal? "Merv, help me please," Jay said, grabbing the arm with both hands.

After shuddering once more and making a few grossed-out noises, Merv got her arms around the thing's shoulders and heaved with Jay, pulling it up into the bank.

It was a male Nindroid's body, all limbs accounted for. But the chest had been ripped open- with a sword, perhaps- and sharp rusted wires and metal poked out every which way, clogged with sand.

Jay examined what was left of the face. Dark blond hair, a small nose, and ragged lips that Jay swore were tilted upwards in a smile.

"By the First King," Jay murmured, lifting one of its eyelids, revealing a clouded yellow pupil. "It's Kyle!"

"Kyle?" Merv backed up a good distance, looking pale and sick. "Wasn't he...he was one of Cyrus' men?"

Jay nodded, grief spreading through his veins like poison, making him weak and cold. He took Kyle's head in his arms, shaking his head.

Kyle had been so...sweet. Like a naive child. Always smiling, always seeing the best in everybody. So helpful, so loving.

So strong. Cyrus had created the perfect man.

And now here he was, rusting in the river. Overlord had probably killed him, then dumped the body. Judging by the amount of sand that had covered him, he had been lying there, forgotten, for well over a week.

"Jay?" Pixal called out, rushing through the trees toward them. "Merv! I heard a scream. What did you..." She trailed off, coming closer.

"Oh, damn it." She knelt and touched Kyle's chest. "Cyrus is going to be upset when he hears about this."

"Can't we fix him?" Jay asked.

"Fix?" Pixal struggled to open his chest panel. "No. See here? His power core isn't lit."

"So relight it!"

"You don't understand," Pixal said without emotion, though there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. "Nindroids aren't immortal. We're built with a corrosive memory chip: if our power runs out, our memory is automatically wiped."

"Who decided that was a good idea?" Jay snapped.

"It's a safety measure," Pixal explained. "To ensure that we don't continue for an eternity, moving from one body to another each time it breaks. If one of us were to turn evil-"

"You were built by Lord Julien," Jay said. "Kyle was built by Cyrus. Maybe Uncle built them differently."

"Doubtful."

"Try, please," Jay pleaded. "We can't just not do anything."

"We can, actually, but I don't think you'll allow me that option." Pixal sighed, then unceremoniously ripped a few large components from Kyle's chest. She eventually unscrewed a tiny green piece from a board and presented it to Jay. "Here's his memory core. If it isn't wiped, then the water and sand have likely corroded it beyond repair. But here. If we ever make it back to Cyrus, give it to him. Test it in a new body."

Jay took it from her reverently, and he placed it in his pocket. "Thank you, Pixal."

"Yeah. Whatever." Pixal stood and offered him a hand. "Come on. You look flushed. Your fever must be getting worse. Let's head back."

Merv scrambled between them and helped Jay up herself. "How did you even make it out here?" she asked. "The sand must have been difficult to walk on. I hope you didn't hurt yourself."

"I'm fine," Jay said. "Honest. Just sore. And I have a headache. I'll be all right." He looked down at Kyle. "That's more than I can say for him, though. We should bury him."

Pixal, surprisingly, nodded. "I'll start on the hole. Merv, can you find a sapling? Preferably a fruit tree, or something-"

"A palm," Jay interrupted. "He should go under a palm tree."

Pixal paused. "Why?"

"He wasn't delicate like any fruit tree," Jay said. "He was blunt. Strong. And he loved working with people, so...palm. His tree can produce shade for people in the future."

"Avocado trees are strong," Merv said. "And children can climb in their branches. And they produce shade."

Jay nodded. "Yes. But I don't think an avocado tree will grow here. We'd have to go to the grove, where the soil is more firm. And we could get caught if we go back toward the compound."

"Palm it is." Pixal chose a location far enough upstream that the flood could not reach it, then began digging with her hands. Her eagle landed and 'helped', scratching the sand with its talons. Merv ran off to find the palm sapling.

"What...should I do?" Jay asked.

Pixal started, seeming to just realize he did not have a job. "Uh...come help me dig."

"Okay." Jay limped toward her and sat. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"You didn't tell me not to help," Jay said.

Pixal spared a moment to glance up at him, raising an eyebrow and shaking her head, then continued working.

"I'm serious, Pixal. It means a lot to me. Thank-"

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up." Pixal flicked sand at his face. "Thanks to you, we'll have to dig an extra-large hole to compensate for the palm's bulbous roots. I appreciate you so much. Get to work." She glanced up once more. "And button up your shirt. It's indecent."

"Of course, Milady." Jay worked on his buttons with clammy fingers. "It must be distracting-"

Pixal threw another handful of sand in his direction. "I don't like repeating myself, Jay," she said sternly. "Shut up, get to work."

What she didn't realize was that, as she looked away, she was smiling a little.

Jay smiled too.