A/N: Hi guys! I have a quick update for you. I recently posted a Finding Home mini series that I am hoping to get running real soon. It's basically one-shots from this story and mostly consisting of Tris' and Tobias' past. Check that out later, even though there are no stories published yet. I will be starting on those real soon, I hope.
Also, I want to say that the only reason I wrote a part in first person because of the Valentine's one shot. It was just a cute story I came up on Valentine's Day and wanted to share with you and I thought it would make more sense to have in Tris' POV. For this story, I'm not planning on writing in 1st POV, unless I want to. I'm not going to be that author who constantly changes between 1st and 3rd like every paragraph. Other than that, I might write in first to give character's perspective on why Tobias cheated (that will probably be in the mini series I'm going to write, hint hint). Also, regarding to why Tobias cheated, I will FOR SURE have a backstory behind that. It's something that will be discovered later on in the story, just you wait. If you have anything else you want me to fix(?) or clarify let me know. I write for my own personal enjoyment, and you guys just happen to stick with me. I thank everyone who follows and leaves nice comments because they make my day. I love each and everyone of you dearly:)
I also want to thank eunice339 for editing this chapter and being my beta-reader. You make my life a hundred times easier, and also make my chapters make more sense. I really appreciate everything you have done for me so far. Just a small notice, this chapter was filled with LOTS of tears when I wrote it...so yeah. This wasn't quick, but whatever.
Song of the Chapter: Ashes Like Snow by Lily Kershaw
Chapter 14
One year ago...
Despite how unexciting it sounds, Tris waits eagerly for the mailman to arrive each day, like a little puppy waiting by the door for its owner, in hopes of receiving a letter from Robert.
He's been deployed to Afghanistan working alongside the U.S. Forces Commander, General John F. Campbell. Tris knows she should be proud that Robert is assigned to work with such a high-ranking army officer, but instead, she feels scared for her fiancé's life. Robert had said he would only be deployed for a year, but both of them knew that wasn't a guarantee because of his important role and the commitment he made to serve for at least two years when he enlisted in the army.
Robert has tried to reassure Tris that he will be fine and come back home in one piece in time for their upcoming wedding, but how does he know that something won't go wrong?
Tris looks forward to his letters as he usually writes as much as possible to her. They're both 'old school' and prefer not to email one another. Though sending an email may be much quicker and efficient, letters are more personal and something they can each keep close by. The couple would sometimes slip in a picture of themselves or with friends just for safekeeping.
At 3:26 and fourteen seconds, she sees the mailman pull up in his truck to her mailbox and deliver some envelopes. She sprints out the door, so eager she forgets to put on her shoes, and reaches the mailbox just as the mailman drives off. She retrieves her mail and runs back inside not realizing that she's hurting her feet by stepping on sharp little pebbles or even that it is lightly sprinkling outside; it is predicted to start raining heavily later on in the evening.
As she hoped, she finds a letter from her beloved and hugs it close to her body. She treats the letter like a secret. Even though no one is currently at her house, she runs to her bedroom and locks the door. Tris puts on her reading glasses and sits cross-legged on her side of the bed. She slowly and carefully slides her fingers through the envelope to open it as she takes in the scent of Robert's cologne around it. It's a tradition that the couple learned from Tris' grandparents when they used to visit. Grandma Wright used to tell stories of how her and Grandpa Wright would keep in contact with one another while he was off fighting during WWII. Tris' grandma told them how she would spray just the tiniest amount of perfume on the letter for her husband, as if the letter were a small part of her that she could send to him.
Tris pulls out and unfolds the sheet of paper inside, revealing the neat handwriting of her fiancé and begins to read:
My beautiful future wife,
She smiles at the mention of being called his future wife. Tris can easily picture their future together. She imagines three little children running around the house as their father lazily chases them. After the temporary distraction, Tris continues to reading the letter:
The men and I are back at home base. The conditions are quite rough here, but they are tolerable. One of my friends told me we will all be heading home soon. I miss you. I can't express how much I miss your beautiful face and body. I miss your soft pink lips and your long honey blonde hair. I can't wait to finally come home and be able to make sweet love to you, darling. Our wedding is only a few months away, and speaking of which, I miss seeing that ring on your finger, too.
Do you remember when you would read to me at night? My favorite story, ironically, was The Crucible. Remember how they murdered innocent people because they thought they were Salem witches? Well, sometimes I feel like we're killing innocent people, too. These men that we're fighting against have families of their own, don't they? I feel this guilt deep within me knowing that I am taking away the loved ones of other people. We're all people, right? So why can't we just all live in peace?
Anyways, my love, I don't want you worrying about me. I will be home within the next month or so, and hopefully for good. Once I come back home, we will no longer have to write these letters to one another because I will be right by your side. We will get married and finally be able to start a family like we have planned.
Like Mahatma Gandhi said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
I love you, my Beatrice, and I will see you soon.
Yours forever,
Robert
Tris can't keep the smile off her face as she reads and rereads the words over and over again. When she finishes, Tris inhales the scent of the envelope one last time before putting it in a special box she has for all the letters Robert has written to her.
After storing the letter away, she takes a quick shower, rinsing and washing her hair thoroughly. But throughout the whole time, she can't help but feel uneasy because she knows that Robert still has to face danger everyday. A lot can happen in a month. She hopes that he's right, that he will come home to her safely.
Tris dries herself off completely and heads back into her bedroom to change. Once she finishes changing into comfortable clothing, she goes to the living room to watch TV, wrapping a blanket around her body to keep herself warm. She's watching her favorite program, completely losing track of time, when she hears a knock on the door.
The blanket is still wrapped tightly around her body as she walks towards the front door. The rain is now pouring like cats and dogs by this point in the day. The cold air seems to hit Tris hard and a forceful wind causes her to lose balance for a split second after she opens to the door. Her heart gradually increases in rhythm and her hands start to get clammy as she stares at the two men standing in front of her at her door. One of them is dressed in a camouflage uniform while the other man is in his formal dress blues. They stand side by side in perfect posture. The man in camouflage stares intensely at the ground as the man in dress blues looks with pity at Tris.
Her heart is pounding so fast at this point, she feels like it's about to be ripped from her chest.
"Miss Beatrice Prior?"
"Yes?" she replies almost inaudibly. "What happened? Where's Robert?" Her eyes are wide and she hopes-prays-that they won't say what she's thinking.
"His team was on a mission. One of the men stepped on an underground hidden trap and I'm sorry, but they never made it back," the man in dress blues says.
Tris can feel all the hope and energy leaving her body within seconds. The weight of the world suddenly falls on her shoulders and she feels as if she's going to come crashing down at any second. But instead, she shuts her eyes so tightly and lets the tears fall. Her body trembles as she leans against the doorframe for support.
It takes her a while before she can say something. "But I just got a letter from him today. When did he-how long?"
"We received the news yesterday and flew in as soon as possible to deliver the news to his family. It's going to be hard, I understand, Miss Prior. We all have suffered and lost many great men and loved ones, but you just have to keep moving forward and the pain will eventually fade away."
"And if it doesn't?" Tris hiccups and wipes her eyes.
None of them answer, but the man in camouflage steps forward and says, "He wanted me to give this to you."
Tris stares at the white envelope in the man's hands and reluctantly reaches out to take it. There is no scent of Robert's cologne on this letter. She closes her eyes once again and feels the world around consume her. After the envelope leaves the man's hand, he steps back and the two of them give Tris a sympathetic look before saying their condolences once again. They turn and leave the house without saying another word.
My dearest Beatrice,
I lied. I actually won't be coming home anytime soon. I know if you are reading this, Beatrice, that it means I am dead. I never meant to give you false hope. Love, we knew that this job was never going to be easy, so I'm going to be honest with you because I know honesty is what you need at this moment. I don't know where you are or when you're reading this letter, but let me tell you this-I had to rewrite this letter so many times for it to sound right.
Obviously this letter was something I dreaded writing, but I just knew that there would be a time when my life would be on the line and I would need to say my last words to you.
I know saying sorry is completely useless. I know telling you that I never meant to hurt you would just add fuel to the fire. It's not your fault, so I don't want you to blame yourself for my death. There was nothing you could have done about it. I am sorry, though, and I know you're going to be in lots of pain. That's what losing someone does to a person. But know this, I always wondered what it was like to meet the person of my dreams, and Tris, you were that person for me. I never thought that I would find someone who I wanted to settle down with. But then I met you, and everything changed.
Tris, you were that one person who brought light to my life. Do you remember when we first met? I was having such a shitty day and then I saw you at the café. I know this sounds so lame, but I never believed in love at first sight until I met you. You were like an angel sent from heaven and I was just me. I've been so damn lucky to have had you in my life. I don't regret a single moment. But I need you to promise me that you'll move on. Find someone else that makes you feel as good as you did for me. Find someone who makes you smile and feel beautiful-because you are.
Don't give up because of me. I've loved you with all my heart. And I know that with my last breath that I take, I will be thinking of you. So please promise me you'll find someone else that you will love. If you love me as much as I do you, you will make me this promise. Please. I love you, my darling. I love you. Forgive me.
Yours forever,
Robert
Present Day...
Ashes falling like snow,
As the wind blows
the last breaths upon the breeze.
Tris sits in the small café where she and Robert first met with her hands wrapped around a mug of steaming tea. A scarf is wrapped tightly around her neck and she's dressed in thick layers.
Tris stares out the window and watches the snow fall from the sky.
"You okay there? You look a little lonely." A tall man with cute glasses and dimples almost stumbles towards Tris as he gathers the courage to talk to this beautiful woman.
"Uhm, yeah, I'm fine." She clears her throat. "I'm sort of used to the loneliness by now, I guess."
She bites her lip at the memory. The first time she met Robert was two months after she and Tobias broke up. He was so easy to talk to, she recalls. Within minutes of their first conversation, this man managed to make her day ten times better than it originally was.
"Can I tell you something, my darling?" Robert leans in close and closes his eyes.
"What's up?"
"I'm really bad at these things," his forehead is pressed against Tris'. "But, I need to let this out of my system. You know I had a long-term girlfriend before you, but that ended horribly. I thought I was in love with her, but then I met you and I got a whole new perspective of what the term 'love' means. I'm really bad at this, but I want to let you know that I- I love you."
Tris' eyes stare deeply into Robert's as a million thoughts run through her brain. One thing for sure is that she knows she feels the same way about this man. "I love you, too."
A lone tear runs down her cheek at the memories flooding her and before she breaks down sobbing, she gets up, gathers her belongings and leaves the coffee shop.
Ashes falling like snow,
All the people you'll never know
that you brought to their knees.
The snow-covered streets of Chicago are mostly empty as Tris walks down them. Her gloved hands are shoved into the pockets of her coat. She finds herself walking down a familiar path and into a small little flower boutique where she often goes to to buy flowers for her mom.
"Beatrice!" A petite Russian woman, approximately in her mid-fifties, approaches her with a welcoming smile and hug. "How are you, my lovely friend?"
"I'm great," she lies. "How are you? I haven't seen you in a few months."
"Spasibo! I'm well. I just came back from the motherland. My daughter recently got married to her sorry excuse of a boyfriend-now husband." Tris gives her a confused look. "I kid you. Her husband is actually a great blessing in her and my life. Now enough about me, what can I do for you?"
"Do you happen to have yellow tulips with you today?" Tris asks.
Athina flicks her wrist, as if pretending Tris did not just ask if her flower store has tulips. "Follow me."
Athina leads Tris to the back of her shop and shows her where all the tulips are. "You can pick whatever you like. Are you visiting your mother again? How is she by the way?"
"She's fine, but I'm not visiting her actually. Ahh…my boyfriend, Robert… well ex-boyfriend…he passed away a year ago today." Tris stares at the yellow tulips as she swallows down her tears.
"I'm so sorry, my dear," Athina puts her hand gently on Tris' left shoulder. "The flowers, they're on the house."
"No, you can't do that. Let me pay for them." Tris opens her purse to take out her wallet.
"My Beatrice, please, it's on the house, okay?" Tris stares at the ground and reluctantly nods after a moment of silence.
"Thank you," she says so quietly Athina almost doesn't catch watch she says.
"No problem, dear."
Tris gives Athina one last hug before she leaves the nice little flower boutique. "Thanks again, Athina. I really appreciate it."
"No worries, Beatrice," she says with her thick Russian accent. "I hope to see you soon, and I'm so deeply sorry for your loss."
"Thank you."
She leaves the shop and walks back to the small café to where her car is parked. The walk is short - well, it seems short to Tris because all she can think about is Robert. She remembers very vividly the two men at her door, followed by the sudden and deep pain she felt when she was told that Robert had died from a bomb.
Won't you meet me in the morning?
You left without any warming.
Turning on the heater in her car to full blast, Tris pulls out of the parking lot and drives toward the cemetery dedicated to war soldiers. Some of the roads are closed because of the snow, so it takes her longer to get to her destination. Luckily, there are several roads that have been cleared of snow, so Tris is able to make it to the cemetery without too much havoc.
She pulls up to the side of the road close to where Robert's grave is. The cemetery is quite large, with over five acres of land. Robert's grave is up a small hill. Unfortunately, his body was never found, so Tris is basically visiting an empty casket buried beneath the ground.
She takes the flowers that were sitting on the passenger side with her and makes her way up to Robert's grave. The walk feels like an eternity, like a never-ending hallway to the principal's office. It's a difficult path to walk because there is so much snow on the grass, causing Tris to almost slip and fall a few times.
People floating on down,
A strange dance from the towers in the sky.
People floating on down,
Fire so hot at their backs;
better to hit the ground.
When she finally reaches Robert's grave, a heavy pain constricts Tris' chest and she finds it hard to breathe-like she's drowning in a tub of water. Her eyes start to water as she recalls memories from the previous years.
Tris lays the bouquet of tulips on the ground right in front of the tombstone and sits right next to them, completely ignoring how cold the ground is at the moment.
It takes a few moments for Tris to compose herself before she can make out words. "Hey," she says breathlessly. "Gosh, this is stupid because you can't even hear me, and fuck, I don't even know where you are. But, here goes nothing. Uhh, I," Tris stares at her fingers as she unconsciously plays with them. "I miss you."
"You know how bad I am with sharing my feelings, so be patient with me. So, how are you? Okay, never mind, that is a really stupid question. Well, it wasn't a stupid question, you just can't answer it...yeah. I must look so stupid right now, you know, talking to myself." Tris buries her head in her hands.
What the hell am I doing? Get yourself together, Prior!
A gush of wind blows causing Tris to shiver in response. "It's been a year...wow. I didn't think I'd be able to pull myself together after you passed away. I was so angry - at you, at me, at the world... But then I realized it wasn't your fault. Rob, I kept blaming myself and I knew how much you would have hated that. Christina really helped. She really helped me get out of that funk. But anyways, though I miss you like crazy, I'm really confused right now. I keep running into my ex. I don't really know what he wants from me. I mean, I feel like I still have feelings for him. I don't know - it's complicated. I didn't really talk much about him to you, but I know that you knew of him. You'd have probably yelled at me if I had ever told you that. I mean, how could I still have feelings for the man who cheated on me? It's stupid I know, but I'm trying, Rob. I'm really trying. I wish you could just answer me…and tell me, what do I do now?" Tris shuts her eyes and leans against the tomb. Her tears run down her face and since it's so cold, she feels as if they're legitimately freezing as they run down her cheeks.
Come back, won't you come back,
won't you come back to me.
Come back, won't you come back…
To me.
Tris feels a light pressure on her shoulder. She doesn't know how long she's been sitting there crying. Ten, thirty, forty minutes? But she looks up confused at seeing Tobias.
"Christina told me that you'd me here." Tobias reaches out to her and lifts her up, gently cradling her body to him. His body is really warm and comforting, Tris thinks, as he hugs her tight.
"You're freezing. Here, take my sweater." Tobias shrugs out of the only thick article of clothing he's wearing and wraps it around Tris' shoulders.
"What are you doing here?" she hiccups and brings her hands to cup her cheeks to warm them up
"I wanted to take you out again, but you weren't answering any of my messages," he explains. "I got worried, and forced Will to text me your address, but when I got to your house, Christina was there for some unknown reason. She told me you were here..." Tobias trails off for a few seconds. "I'm so sorry about your loss."
Tris just hugs him closely and continues to cry. "I miss him."
Tobias doesn't know how to respond. He feels a little uncomfortable especially since he is comforting his ex over a man that managed to steal her heart. Instead, he remains quiet and hugs Tris' body tight against his, never wanting to let go. The direct contact of her body distracts him from how cold he now is since he gave Tris his sweater.
"It's okay. You're going to be okay," Tobias buries his face into her hair.
Tris' body shakes and she holds onto him tightly. She holds him so hard, she feels that if she lets go, she'll never be able to get back up.
Ashes that once were bone,
Where do we go from here?
Ashes that once were bone,
I'm slipping from my faith;
I'm falling with my fear.
Ashes like snow,
Where did you go?