Author's note at the bottom.
Chapter 21
Eight Years Ago...
Tris throws her head back in laughter. Her eyes sparkle in the moonlight. He wants to kiss her so badly, but every ounce of his body forces him to hold back. Tobias can't help but notice the cute dimples on her cheeks. Her perfect nose. Her long, soft, luscious blonde hair. Her sparkling blue-gray eyes that change with her mood. The way that she bites her lips when she's nervous...
And right now, she is biting her lips like crazy. Why is she so nervous right now?
Tobias smiles down at her. He promises to make her smile for the rest of his life if he can. It is only their second date and he already knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
Her phone chimes and Tris quickly pulls it out to check it.
"Who's that?" Tobias asks.
Tris snorts, "My side piece texted me. You know, second date and all. I still need to have options just in case this goes to shit."
"Oh shut up. You're lying!" Tobias bumps his side to hers.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding," Tris smiles as she stares at the ground. "Look, Four, I really had a great time tonight. I'm glad we could do this again." She turns to him so they are facing one another. Tobias reaches out to brush a strand of hair away from her face. Her face heats up and her heart starts to pound. She starts to lean in, but he abruptly takes her hand in his and pulls her and starts walking in the opposite direction of her apartment door.
"Woah, Woah, Woah. Where are we going, Four?" Tris screeches.
"I don't want this date to be over yet."
They had just come back to Tris' place, after dinner and a movie, to drop her off back home. But Tobias was not ready for this date to end. He wants to spend as much time with her as possible before this night ends. So at the last minute, before he drops her off, an idea pops in his head.
"Four! Where are we going?! We just got back to my place!" She squeals, a noise that she is not used to hearing herself make.
"We are going somewhere else. I don't want this day to end. It's a surprise." A smile tugs on his lips and in the moment he seems so kissable. But the moment is lost too soon when Tobias continues to drag Tris to his car.
"I hate surprises," Tris says.
"Well, I promise you are going to like this one."
The car ride to Tobias' surprise location has Tris anxious and bubbly. A very very small part of her considered maybe he might bring her to a secret location to murder her, but this was Four she was talking about. Dreamy, handsome, sweet Four.
"What's your real name, Four?" Tris breaks the silence. Tris doesn't notice the way he squeezes the steering wheel a little too hard or the way his mouth frowns for less than a second.
It's too early to tell her. But every part of him screams that he trusts her even though they have not known each other for a long time. But it feels like they have.
"It's Tobias." He finally says after a long while.
"Where did the name Four come from?" It was times like these where Tobias wished she wasn't so curious.
"Well," he starts to sweat. He isn't used to talking about himself and his past. "When I was in high school, I had a coach who would kind of give me a hard time. He would push me harder compared to my teammates, and I would get so frustrated because I didn't think it was fair. So one day, I confronted him before a game, and he told me that he was only hard on me because he saw so much potential out of everyone on the team. I don't know, I guess I just never had anyone believe in me so much. I scored four touchdowns that day. And my coach, Amar, started saying how now he expects me to do that every game now. The next year, I chose four as my jersey number, and my team would refer to one another as our numbers. I guess outside of football, people would still call me that. I kind of just stuck, I guess."
Tobias glances nervously at Tris. He switches from looking at her and the road anxiously waiting for a response. "That's so sweet. I really like that."
He suddenly relaxes. "Tobias." She says to herself loving the way the name sounds on her lips. He as well loves the way the name sounds from her. Especially if their bodies were pressed against one another, with her head thrown back as he...
Cut it out, Tobias. He says to himself. They hadn't even kissed yet.
"Say it again."
Tris shoots him a weird look. "Tobias?" She says a little unsure.
He smiles so brightly that he thinks that his face is literally going to break in half. "We're here!"
Tris is extremely confused about the place that they pull up to. They're near what looks like a lake and there's a bunch of redwood trees everywhere. It looks like a cross between a forest and a lake. But it's so dark, Tris is starting to think that her getting murdered might actually become a reality. "Where are we...?"
Tobias quickly gets out of the car and runs to the other side to open it for her.
"Come here, I want to show you something."
"Tobias, you are making me a little nervous. Where the hell are we going?" Please, please, don't be my last day. Please don't kill me. Ugh, this would be the worst way to go out. I am not ready to die. Not today. Oh shit, did I leave the stove on? Oh no, wait. I think I'm good. Oh please don't murder me.
He leads her toward the lake to this special spot. There's a small corner near a bunch of rocks. There several short trees that would provide the perfect amount of shade if it were a hot sunny day. The view of the lake is perfect here and tonight's moon provides the perfect illumination for the night. Usually, this small area would be dismissed by the public eye, but this place was special to Tobias.
Any amount of fear that Tris went soon disappears, and she is filled with awe.
"It's amazing. Wow, Tobias." He loves the way she says his name.
In this short amount of time, he finds himself wanting to open himself up more and more. " When I was sixteen, I was trying to get away from home for a little bit because I had gotten into a...fight...with my father." He grits. Tris notices his tenseness and rubs his arm soothingly. "I went on a drive and somehow found myself here. I walked around for a bit and found this place. So every time I would get frustrated or just need my own space, I would come here to kind of get away, I guess."
She smiles. "It's beautiful Tobias." He finds his hidden spot where he stores things and pulls out a blanket. Tobias lays it across the sand. And sits on one side of the blanket.
"Come here." Tris sits next to him with about eight inches of space between the two.
"Thank you for sharing this spot with me. This is really special." The water from the lake splashes close to their feet. Tobias notions for them to take off their shoes just in case their feet get wet.
"So, how are classes?" This is Tobias' lame attempt at making small talk. This just causes Tris to snort and giggle.
"You asked me that earlier, remember? When we went out for dinner." She playfully bumps into him.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous." Tris tilts her head to the side.
"Why are you nervous?" She asks, scooting a little closer to him.
"It's because I have a very pretty girl next to me."
"Oh shut up, Tobias." She hits him playfully for the hundredth time that night. "Are you okay with that? Me calling you Tobias?"
"Of course. But just keep it between us. It'll be like our little secret," He comments, sending her a sexy wink.
"Can I be honest with you, Tobias?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
"I've never really done this before," she says.
He's a little confused. "What do you mean?" He leans a little closer.
"A relationship. This is all very new to me. This sounds a little lame because I'm like eighteen and an adult and have never really had a boyfriend, but I feel nervous around you. But like not in a bad way. It's just new to me but I think I really like you. And this is really scary to me. And I'm just super attracted to you. And I feel nervous and my heart is like racing, and I just really need you to say something otherwise I'm going to keep rambling. And this is already embarrassing enough and-," he cuts her off. Finally.
"I like you too, Tris." He smiles and presses a kiss to her cheek. Why won't he kiss me already? "And It's okay, we can take things as slowly as you want. This is kind of new to me too."
"Really, but you're so..." She trails off.
"I'm so what, Tris?"
"I don't know. Uhm, so handsome. I guess?" Her face burns hot and red.
"I am just teasing you, Tris. It's okay." He just wishes she wouldn't be so nervous around him. "Did you say that I'm your boyfriend, Tris?"
"Uhhh...I well. Well, I just thought that. Well, I don't really know. It's just. Well, I...uh...uhh. Uhm..." This is too painful to watch. "Yes?"
He smiles and his heart warms. "Well, I am honored to be your boyfriend, Tris." She relaxes.
"When are you going to kiss me?" Oh god. The moment she blurts that, she immediately regrets the words.
This takes Tobias aback. He was not expecting her to be so bold and upfront. But he loves it. He leans closer until their shoulders are touching and their sides are basically pressed against one another. He feels her so close and her eyes are darting everywhere. Tris' heart is pounding, and oh my god. He's going to kiss me. He's going to kiss me. Oh my god, this is finally happening.
Tobias angles his body so they are faces right in front of one another. He presses his forehead against hers and both of them close their eyes, taking in the moment as they practically breathe the same air.
She can't take the agony anymore and finally presses her lips to his. He tenses at first and doesn't reciprocate the kiss at first. She quickly pulls away regretting her decision, but he puts his hand at the back of her neck bringing her lips back to his.
Tris' arms snake around his neck pulling him closer if it were even possible. Their lips move against one another like some sort of dance. She parts her mouth to catch a breath of air, but Tobias takes this chance to slip in his tongue. She's never french kiss before, but she is thoroughly enjoying this moment they are sharing.
Tris feels Tobias' hands placed against her back make their way slowly down and down and down...
Some sort of noise mixed between a moan and a squeal escapes her mouth and this just encourages him even more. They take a split second to catch a breath of air, and they continue their kiss like their life depended on it. Her lips taste of something sweet, and Tobias decides at that moment this is his new favorite flavor.
Finally, Tris finally breaks away, and a giggle escapes her lips. "I'm sorry that was lame." She says referring to her giggling. "Uhm, but wow." She breathes out and places a hand on her chest.
"Yeah, wow." He smiles. "You're everything I've been looking for." He tucks a strand of hair away and brings her close again pressing her fully against him and bringing his lips back to hers.
Present Day...
"So, Tris, what would you like to talk about today?" Tris' therapist questions her. It's only Tris' second session with her therapist, Dr. Tori Wu. Her first session went very smoothly. It was mainly Tris giving a brief life story of herself. Topics ranged from her family and what her relationship with each family is like. She talked about her close friends, what's going on with Uriah. She hadn't talked too much about her love life. That topic could last a full session, maybe more. So here she is, about to confess her whole life story revolving men.
"Well, would it be alright to talk about relationships?" She asks shyly.
"Of course," Dr. Wu smiles. "No need to be shy."
Tris smiles. "Yeah, you're right. I have a lot of issues with relationships that I've never really dealt with in a healthy manner."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, my first real relationship ended kind of poorly. My ex-fiance, with whom I was with for five years, cheated on me. And then my second ex-fiance ended up passing away on a mission. He was a marine. And then my best-friend recently confessed his love for me in which I do not reciprocate the same feelings."
Dr. Wu smiles sympathetically. "Okay, why don't we start with your first ex-fiance." Tris kind of dropped a bomb on Dr. Wu with very little information and so many questions swarming her mind.
"Yeah so, when I was eighteen years old, I met my first boyfriend, Tobias. We met through school. We both attended CalTech, and he was or I guess is two years older than me. It was kind of weird the way we met. I was on public transport one day and then he stole one of my earbuds and put it in his ear. We just kind of sat there listening to my music. I honestly was extremely creeped out. Like what actually does that? It's super creepy and I don't know kind of strange. But I don't know because at that moment, I didn't feel scared. I felt kind of comfortable?" Tori nods along as she listens to Tris tell her story.
"I met him again when I was studying at the library, and we kind of just started hanging out. Eventually, we started dating. It was probably one of the most important relationships in my life at the time. We met so young, and we also got engaged so young too. I was going to marry him when I was 23 and I guess that maybe it was too soon? But it felt right at the moment. I had barely started my career, and he was already doing so well in his. It was one of the most intense five years of my life. And then one day, I caught him with another woman at the apartment. I mean, the week before things fell apart, he was acting so strangely. Like I remember one night, I was half asleep and then he got this phone call. He went into the other room and was gone for a while. And then when he came back he seemed so tense, and it just seemed so alarming to me. But I didn't want to say anything because I knew he would tell me when he was more comfortable. But I guess he never did. And then we were over before I could bring anything up. Everything just happened so quickly."
"Wow, that's a lot."
"Yeah, and it kind of sucks, you know. I thought he was the love of my life, and everything was just so powerful and felt right when we were together. I just never dealt with our break-up. After it happened, I kind of internalized everything and really talked about it much with others. It was too painful to relive it."
"How did you deal with the break up afterward? Like, walk me through it." Dr. Wu says.
"Well, I was in this funk for a long time. Maybe a couple of months where I kind of took a break from work. I would just lock myself in my room and blame myself for everything that happened. And my two best friends, Uriah and Christina, basically had to babysit me all of the time. And then one day, Christina basically yelled at me with some tough love to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. It was the push that I needed and that was the kind of the push I needed to start getting back to normal. So slowly but surely, I just went back to my old routine. I was living with Christina at the time too. She had a spare bedroom and told me I could move in with her. So that was that."
"I see," Dr. Wu pauses. "Everyone grieves differently and there's nothing wrong with being upset and dealing with your breakup that way. But can I ask you this?"
Tris nods.
"When you guys broke up, did you guys ever talk about what happened afterward? Like do you feel like you ever got any sense of closure?"
Tris shakes her head, "Not really. If I remember correctly, I kind of broke things off and that was the end of things. And I barely saw him much after that. Besides recently, but that's a story for another time."
"And if you were to take yourself back into that moment of time, is there anything you wish you could tell him?" Tori questions.
"Uhm, I have to think about that." Tris pauses to think for a while, gathering her thoughts together. "Hmm, sorry, I've never really thought about that."
"It's alright, take your time."
"Well, I guess, if I were able to tell him something, I would tell him that he really hurt me. I would say, Tobias, I wish you never threw away what we had together. Those five years were one of the most special times of my life. I wish you could understand how much you meant to me. I really hated you for so long and maybe a part of me still hates you. I don't know if I could fully forgive you or trust you. But I want to and I am working on it. You really hurt me." This was something really difficult for Tris to say.
"Sometimes it is important to not leave things open or unfinished. What I mean, is that it is important to get closure on a situation that you feel has affected you somehow. It honestly doesn't matter how you get the closure whether you say how you are feeling in the moment, after it happens, or just saying it out loud, may help you feel more closure in your life. It might help to move on. Obviously it's not going to heal you, but it will help get some sense of...how do I say this...liberation maybe? If you know what I mean." Tori explains.
"Yeah, yeah. I actually understand what you mean. I actually do feel better about saying that out loud. I feel like I have so many things I want to say to him, but I have just never said it out loud," Tris snorts.
"Alright then. Tell me everything."
"Okay well..." And then Tris goes on the next forty minutes spilling everything she wished she had told Tobias these past three years.
Tris comes out of Tori's office feeling like a three-year weight has lifted off of her shoulder. That session was the most emotional rollercoaster Tris had experienced. She laughed, she cried, she got angry. But a part of her feels completely liberated. It's amazing what talking to a professional can really do to you. She shared a lot of herself that she has never before, and it was such an intense moment for her to do so.
When Tris comes out of the office, she feels a deep urge to do something. Tris knows that she needs to talk to him. She needs to tell him all the stuff she has built up over the years and get it all out in the open. Tris needs to heal and in order to do so she has to talk to him.
She wants to see Tobias.
A/N: Hello! I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry, this took so long to update. I try to update once a week (on Mondays), but this chapter was really difficult to write. I stumbled upon a writer's block and when I tried to sit down and write this chapter, I just had no motivation. Hopefully, it will be easier. I had to cut this chapter shorter than I wanted because otherwise, I would just keep getting frustrated. Last week was also incredibly busy for me. I wanted to let you guys know that I am in the midst of writing a new story. Would any of you be interested in that? It's a Divergent fourtris story. Let me know if any of you guys would like that. I am so so excited about my idea for that story. I do not think I would publish it yet. I want to write the entire thing before I start sharing it. I have a couple chapters drafted. Let me know if that's something you'd like to read!
Anyways, I hope you guys are safe. School is coming to a close for me at the end of next week. If I don't update next week, it will be because I'm cramped with studying for finals and everything. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I appreciate everyone who reads and reviews. I love hearing what you guys think. It really means a lot to me. Stay safe! And talk soon!