Name: Carmen Sandiago
Series: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?
[Profile stolen]
"JoJo! I have a compact jetpack in the back of my utility belt! If you can press the activation button –" Batman started.
"As much I would dearly love to do that, I'm afraid she's already stolen it." Joseph Joestar grunted, frustrated at his inability to break the hold on his arms, even with his mighty (and Hamon-assisted) biceps.
"Your next line will be 'Dammit, she's even stolen my catchphrase!'"
"Dammit, she's even stolen my catchphrase!"
Carmen Santiago casually strolled behind the four bound heroes, Batman's utility belt slung over one shoulder, Joseph's cacklers and supply of string in one hand, and Knuckles's communicator in the other. The cane he had noticed earlier was still hanging from her left arm.
Joseph idly wondered where Knuckles had hidden his communicator, and how Carmen had managed to get it out of wherever it had been. Then one possibility occurred to him, and he turned slightly green as he decided that he did not, in fact, want to know.
"Oh yes, these will fetch a nice price." Carmen smiled, holding the utility belt up to her face to closely examine it.
Batman twisted in another attempt to break free, then suddenly relaxed, his full attention on Carmen. "Not going to sell us? I'm sure my enemies would pay you a premium to have me delivered up."
Carmen waved a hand dismissively at Batman. "Please, detective. I don't steal lives."
Joseph was stuck facing the wrong way to properly glare at Carmen, so he settled for turning his head as far as he could, his one visible eye narrowed. (He had also somehow leaned backwards nearly sixty degrees, his posing seemingly unimpeded by his restraints.) "Because naturally, stealing the Ozone Layer caused no harm to anyone."
The corner of Carmen's mouth gave an annoyed twitch, and she lowered the utility belt with a huff. "We all have our phases, JoJo." She paused, and a smirk graced her lips. "I seem to remember you having one where you chased me all over the globe. Whatever happened to that?" The words "all over" had an undertone in them that Batman usually heard from Catwoman, when she was in one of her more playful moods.
"My wife found out." Joseph said flatly.
"Pity."
{The power to steal anything? Well, that's a Minus if I've ever heard one.}
"I don't care if she's a plus, minus or just plain zero!" The beige area around Kunckles's face was turning as red as the rest of him. "Give me back the Master Emerald!"
Carmen smirked, walking over to in front of the echidna and pinching his cheek playfully. "No can do, sweetie. Just this once, I'm working on commission. And Carmen Santiago doesn't give refunds. But I gave you a clue as to where I'm going next, fair and square. Catch up to me and we'll talk."
"How did you even get here?" Joseph said, exasperated. "You didn't steal the dimensional boundary or anything stupid, did you?"
"Now, now." Carmen said, dumping the stolen person possessions into a sack held up by another henchman. "You only get one clue at a time, you know." She turned to leave, gesturing for her thugs to follow her.
"You've given away more than you realise." Batman said.
Carmen paused. "Excuse me?"
"You had to adjust your posture three times to account for that cane. You aren't used to having it there. But you obviously don't need it to walk – so why are you carrying it around?"
Joseph blinked, before peering closer at the wooden cane Carmen had. Come to think of it, Carmen didn't have a cane the last time he saw her, and it looked kinda…
…wait.
No way…
"Carmen Santiago…" Joseph growled. "Why do you have Waldo's magic walking stick?"
For a moment, it looked like Carmen wouldn't respond, but eventually she sighed. "…only the Americans call him Waldo." She said quietly. "His real name is Wally."
"Where's Waldo, Carmen Santiago?"
Carmen suddenly spun around, marching up to Joseph and planing the tip of the walking stick just in front of his nose. "His name" she growled "is Wally…!"
She realised her mistake as she saw how Joseph's face had started to glow the soft gold of Hamon.
"Binding golden…!" Joseph roared, swinging his head down to headbutt the walking stick. "OVERDRIVE!"
The Hamon charge travelled easily down the formerly-organic walking stick, up Carmen's arm and into her red trench coat. Suddenly growing tight, the coat pulled Carmen's arms to her sides and her legs together. Her footing destroyed, she fell forwards onto the grass.
"Yeh-ha!" Knuckles cried, even as Carmen's thugs cried out in alarm. "Great shot!"
"Are you an idiot?" Carmen demanded, easily moving her limbs apart and beginning to get up. She grabbed her hat from where it had fallen and put it back on her head.
"Oh sure, my Binding Golden Overdrive can't keep you pinned after you fell and discharged it into the grass…" Joseph shrugged, holding his hands up in a 'what can you do' gesture.
The thugs behind him make a double take, realising that they were now holding empty air.
Joseph pointed at Carmen and grinned. "But when you fell over, you broke whatever it was in your breast pocket. So now we can move again."
"Good job, JoJo!" Batman shouted, pitching forward and pulling his arms inward as hard as he could. The two thugs holding onto his hands were pulled off balance, slamming their heads into each other with a loud donk that sent them staggering backwards.
The henchmen holding Kumagawa screamed as their hands suddenly erupted with blood, suddenly pierced with dozens of screws the size of ballpoint pens. The ones trying to hold down Knuckles were simply flung into the air as the furious echidna roared.
Carmen Santiago could easily see where this was going. Grabbing the sack of stolen goods, she dashed for her getaway plane, slamming the door shut behind her and grabbing the controls, dropping the sack in the co-pilot's chair. She had to escape line-of-sight before she could use Wally's magic walking stick to leave this dimension.
She spared a glance for the henchmen she was leaving behind as the VTOL aircraft lifted off the ground, but she wasn't going to stick her neck out for them. That was why she paid them danger pay.
One thing she did notice among the chaotic melee is that Batman was staring directly at her, leaving the fight around him completely to his allies. Carmen smirked at him down below – it always made her feel so smug when she left the detectives in the dust. She gave a quiet little laugh as he narrowed his eyes at her. She'd already stolen everything he had on him. What was he going to do – glare the plane down?
It was only after she finished laughing that she heard the beeping coming from the sack next to her.
She managed to leap clear of the exploding utility belt, but in doing so lost control of the plane, which tilted alarmingly almost immediately and slammed into the ground it had just left, thankfully not rolling.
By the time Carmen had crawled free of the wreckage, she found Batman standing tall before her, arms crossed.
"Dead-man switch in the belt." He said simply.
She let out an unladylike growl, reaching forwards to steal the smirk off his face, when a screw the size of a toilet paper roll suddenly flew down and 'nailed' her hand to the ground. She screamed as she felt the delicate joints and ligaments torn to shreds.
The confident smirk on Batman's face suddenly changed to shock, then fury. He rounded on Kumagawa, who was standing off to one side with his hands in his pockets, his face still displaying an empty smile.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He demanded.
The Japanese high-school boy gave a slightly confused tilt of the head. {Stopping her from getting away?}
"Yeah Bats, she'll live won't she?" Joseph Joestar shrugged.
(Knuckles would have been there, turning green at the sight of the maiming, but he was busy digging through the crashed plane for his precious Master Emerald.)
"You listen to me –" Batman started.
{If you're going to tell me to take the moral high ground, then you're dumber than your costume.} Kumagawa interrupted.
The empty smile had left his face.
A screw the size of a water bottle appeared from thin air, and he spun it idly on a fingertip.
{I'm a Minus.} He said. {We don't receive the fortune of an Abnormal, or even the indifference of a Normal. Our lives are defined by how much pain and suffering we can withstand.}
{I've only met one person who really seemed to understand. She left a recording in my head just in case she lost the chance to say goodbye.}
He tossed the screw up into the air and caught it, holding it like a short sword. {I really shouldn't have been surprised when it began to play a few hours ago. Minuses, you see, can never have anything that could be called a 'victory'.}
Batman drew himself up, looming over Kumagawa like a shadow. "I'm sorry for your loss, but that doesn't give you the right –"
{April Fiction.}
Batman vanished.
Carmen Santiago, who had been quietly worming the screw out of her hand, jumped up slightly, hissing at the fresh pain in her hand. Joseph, Knuckles and her henchmen were all gone as well, as was the remains of her getaway plane.
Kumagawa began to walk towards Carmen. Casually, like he was just out for a stroll.
{I didn't have anything to do with Ajimu's death.} Carmen said in Japanese, abandoning all pretence and wrenching the screw out of her hand.
{Of course not.} Kumagawa accepted readily. {If you had, then what I'm about to do might have been considered 'justice'. You should know all too well, Santiago-san, that Minuses never get even bittersweet endings.}
As Kumagawa neared Carmen, she suddenly jumped to her feet, the arm with her ruined hand wrapping around Kumagawa's chest and lifting him bodily off the ground. {I always get away, though.}
Kumagawa laughed. It was not a nice sound. {Are you going to try to steal my powers? A Minus can't remove another Minus, you know.}
{No.} Carmen agreed, using her good hand to pull a pistol from her overcoat.
Bang, bang, bang! Went the gun as Carmen fired directly into Kumagawa's heart. The boy shuddered with each bullet, then went limp.
"Dammit." Carmen hissed, dropping the corpse. She bent over to pick up Wally's magic walking stick, dropped when Batman had confronted her. "So much for not stealing any lives."
{It was a solid attempt.}
Carmen turned and pulled the trigger on her pistol to send another round into Kumagawa's forehead, but the hammer clicked on an empty chamber. Shortly afterwards, her pistol vanished in her hand.
{But unfortunately, Anshin'in-san left me my old powers as her inheritance.} Kumagawa stood up, the holes in his chest having vanished. {Once more, I am the Minus that crawls back from hell.}
Blood dripped down from the hole in Carmen's ruined hand as she stared at Kumagawa. A new screw appeared in his hand, one the width and length of a spear.
{All Fiction.}
A couple of minutes later, Batman and the others re-emerged into existence, having been hit with the temporary April Fiction instead of the permanent All Fiction.
There was no sign of Carmen nor of Kumagawa.