CHAPTER 9 – UNDER THE STARS

Jane's brain came back online, and he watched her enter the hut. He was frozen to the spot. She'd wanted him to kiss her. He caught up to her and he turned her gently by the elbow to face him. Her eyes were full of unshed tears.

"I don't understand… you were with Pike. When did…" – He gestured between them. – "this change? Is this why you're leaving?"

Teresa nodded, feeling very exposed.

"I don't expect you to return my feelings, I didn't even realize until yesterday that… that my feelings for you had changed," she said and closed her eyes.

Jane's mind was still lagging in trying to catch up to this new development. Come to think of it, he'd had a lot of alcohol tonight – which was probably why he was struggling so much now. She had feelings for him and not platonic if she wanted him to kiss her. She was with Pike up until today. What had changed, he couldn't figure it out. He'd been trying to find a way to keep her in his life and now the stakes had just gotten higher because now it looked as though what she wanted was… what? A relationship, a toss in the hay, something else, none of the above? He watched her school her features into her usual Lisbon bad cop and pull her arm out of his grasp and start going through her bag.

"I'm just going to go get ready…" she trailed off sounding tired.

He was losing her with his indecision. He should just ask her straight up, it was a logical question to her declaration, but he knew that when he asked her the question, he would be opening a door and if he didn't walk through it, he'd lose her for good. He couldn't decide if he was ready to go there with her when he caught a look of distress on her face. He didn't want to be the reason for her pain… he had to take a chance.

He grabbed her hand as she was about to pass by him and pulled her to him. "Just so I'm clear… do you, Teresa Lisbon, want to be with me?"

He surprised her with his question, he could tell.

"I have feelings for you, yes…" she replied not wanting to reveal the actual depth of her feelings for him. She wasn't ready.

He grabbed her waist and pulled her against him and gazed into her eyes.

"Do you still want me to kiss you?" he asked, his gaze boring into hers.

He smiled when he saw her wordless response in her eyes and he kissed her softly. He didn't expect the kick of lust and his head to start swimming – he was trying to form a coherent thought, but he couldn't. The kiss intensified, and he broke it off and leaned his forehead on hers. They were both panting. He tucked her head under his chin and held her tight.

Teresa could hear Jane's heart beating fast. She heard him mutter a 'wow' after the kiss. She moved her hands from his chest to around his waist and hugged him tight too. She felt so uncertain about everything. Did he feel the same way or was he just reacting to her leaving? She was starting to feel foolish – but the kiss felt real.

"You deserve better than me-" he said, looking into her eyes again.

"I had better than you… Marcus was everything that I ever wanted," she said. "But I didn't love him because… because…" – She paused because she was afraid to say how she really felt. But then realized that she had nothing to lose really by telling him. He wouldn't use it to hurt her. She gathered her courage and continued. "I love you… Believe me, I tried – I didn't see how hard I had been forcing the whole thing with Marcus until I got here and realized that I didn't even think of him or miss him."

"You love me?" he asked, a smile creeping on his face. "I never let myself think or hope. I didn't think you could ever see me that way after everything I put you through."

"Well, I think you've ruined me for anyone else," she said truthfully. "That's the reason I was going to D.C. To give me a chance to… to… move on."

"I ruined you huh?" he said, his smile getting wider until his cheeks hurt.

"Umm…" she cleared her throat. Her voice sounded different.

Jane had looped his arms behind her waist. She felt raw and naked, but it was important, that after all this time, she be honest with him and she knew that she had to look him in the eye when she did so there were no doubts.

"It's okay… if you don't feel the same way… if… if you're not ready or it's not what you want. I'll be okay."

Jane's smile slipped, and he frowned.

"I'm not sure if you're having regrets already or if you actually think that I don't want this," he said seriously.

"I'm not having regrets – I'm sure about how I feel. I just feel like I surprised you with all this, that's all. I don't want you to feel obligated – I mean, if you need time to sort out you're… feelings, then I can give you time-" she said.

"You surprised me for sure – I did not see this coming at all. But it was a good surprise," he said with an assuring smile. He pulled her closer to him and then he kissed her again and this time he left her with no doubt that he shared her feelings.

Jane broke the kiss and with a twinkle in eyes said, "You know what we need? A swim!"

"Jane, it's a little late don't you think," she said scrunching her nose.

"C'mon… it's only ten-thirty… the night is young. Go put on your bikini and meet me in the pool," he said with a mischievous smile. "We can relax and talk… It's a beautiful night, don't you find."

Jane was already in the pool when she got there. He grabbed her hand as she came down the pool stairs and she saw the admiration in his eyes as he scanned her. Then he gave her a wolfish grin and told her how much he loved her bikini. He pulled her in and on his lap, which surprised her… she wasn't used to this much contact with him after all these years. She felt like a never been kissed teenager. He kissed her again then let her go and motioned for her to sit by him and he put his arm around her shoulders and tucked her into his side. She laid her head on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, watching the stars and listening to the ocean. They were used to hanging out in silence. She found that she didn't want the moment to end. Jane started tracing circles on her arm almost absentmindedly. She looked up and he seemed far away in his thoughts. He had a vacant look and was chewing the inside of his lip.

"Hey," she said. "Everything okay? Where are you right now?"

She'd startled him. He blinked, then looked at her and hesitated. She saw him swallow – maybe he was having doubts. He ran his hand through his hair and then grabbed her hand and held it.

"Are you sure about this? That you want to be with me," Jane said, looking straight ahead then back at her.

"Jane…" she started, but the way he looked at her then, she could see that he was struggling with some deep emotion.

Teresa moved from her position and straddled his lap, so she could be face to face with him. He was unsure, and she grabbed his face with both hands.

"Yes. I'm a hundred percent sure that I want to be with you. I just didn't think that it was possible. God knows you've made me miserable," – She kissed his stubbled cheek. – "driven me crazy actually," – She kissed the other cheek and he smiled. – "and even broke my heart – but… you've also been responsible for some of my happiest memories. You've made me smile when I wanted to cry, made me laugh when I wanted to kill you…" – He broke out into a huge grin and she kissed it. – "helped me learn patience, made me a better cop. We've been through hell and back together and I trust you with my life."

Jane adjusted her position on his lap. He leaned back against the pool wall seeming to enjoy her attention.

"Tell me more," he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

Teresa grinned shyly. "You're on my mind when I wake up when I shower… not like that," she said quickly and laughed at his disappointed face. "When I'm driving, when I'm at work whether you are there or not, on a date – I was comparing all the men I dated to you, that was a revelation… and before I fall asleep."

"So, what you're saying is that I've been on your mind a bit." And they both laughed.

"Yes… but I thought it was for a different reason…, I had no idea… didn't realize that…"

"That… what?" asked Jane.

"That… I had feelings for you that were not platonic," she added.

She adjusted herself closer on Jane's lap so that she came in contact with his groin and kissed him deeply. He moaned in her mouth and she was starting to feel drunk on his taste.

"Okay… I need to know when you realized this. Tell me," he said through her kiss.

"Oh? Umm…"

"Well don't be shy now… just tell me, Teresa," he teased and pulled on her hips, so she could feel his erection.

"No… I'm not telling you..." she said blushing – seeking more contact.

"I'll guess then," he said with a gleam in his eyes.

"No! Don't do that," she said groaningly. But it was futile…

He grabbed her wrist and asked through a chuckle, "Was it when you saw me naked?... Ah, no… too easy. Before that? Yes. Okay… at the pool? Yes. Interesting!"

"That's not fair," she said with a fake pouty mouth.

"I play dirty my Belladonna, you know that. But that's just sex… that's the easy part."

"What do you mean… sex is the easy part," she asked.

"You know…" he said coyly. "Sex is easy… you can make your body do what your head tells it to. Easy. But the heart… that's different. You can't make yourself stop loving someone any more than you can make yourself love someone. And you can't make someone else love you if they don't. Hence… sex is easy the part."

He was right, of course, but she still didn't know what he was trying to say. He brought her in for another kiss and then went down her neck and she wanted more contact. He worked his way down to her collar bone. She was trying to remember what she wanted to ask… but forgot her train of thought. He was still kissing her neck when he started to speak again.

"What I want to know is… when did you realize that you loved me because that is something that I never thought could happen," Jane said.

He lifted his head from her neck and waited for her answer. His face wasn't teasing anymore though. His brows were knitted together, and his eyes were focused on hers. This was important to him, this is the part that mattered to him. She kissed his mouth again, she couldn't help herself and took a steadying breath before she spoke.

"Um, it's wasn't one thing… It came in trickles I guess. I've known, for a very long time that I was attached to you… that we had a strong… bond, you could say. But I never let myself go beyond that. I never explored my other feelings when they happened. Now, looking back, I realize that I was very much in love with you when you disappeared and went to Vegas, which would explain why I was a mess for six months. And I should have caught a clue when you were in exile and I read and reread all your letters… Every. Single. Day. As I said, I didn't look too closely at my feelings." – Jane chuckled. He was looking happy again, so she felt spurred on to disclose the last bit. – "The actual 'aha' moment where I finally admitted it to myself was when you were in the tub with my nephews. I had already decided that I was leaving you and going to D.C. and I was feeling sick with it. You were so sweet and adorable playing with them and all I could think about was kissing you and it freaked me out."

"Humm… in the tub huh, not what I expected… I was hoping for a more dignified moment?" Jane stated as he laughed. Teresa ran her hands along his jaw and kissed him.

"And Vegas… hum… I think it's time I let you in on my little secret," he said teasingly and kissed her neck swiftly.

"What do you mean?" she asked intrigued.

"I knew that I loved you, the night we lured the CBI psychiatrist that was trying to frame you for murder," Jane declared smugly.

"What?" – Teresa punched him in the arm. – "Seriously?"

"Oh yeah… watching you put on that performance at the office and then at your place… you stole my heart that night… and I got a really good show with you wearing only that short team jersey. I knew I was a goner that night," he said as he put his hand on his heart.

"That was years ago… Wait, you say you knew you loved me?" Teresa said feeling stunned.

Jane smirked and stroked her arms gently. "I've loved you for a very long time. I didn't pursue it because… you deserved better than me and… I didn't have anything to offer you anyway." – He paused. – "Red John was running my life and I was afraid of what he would do to you." – He placed his forehead on hers. – "When I saw an opportunity to come back with the FBI, I took it, so I could be with you again, I'd missed you too much. Only… I screwed up right out of the gate, made you mad, and then you started dating Marcus. I honestly never thought that I had a chance with you, romantically speaking; my only goal where you were concerned was for you to be happy, safe, and close to me."

Teresa forgot her lust and her mind came into sharp focus as she considered what he'd just said. 'Happy, safe, and close to me' – it kept repeating in her head and all of a sudden, his past behaviors started to make sense when looked at through that lens. A lot of the stunts he pulled, the things he said or didn't say the mixed messages… all made sense now. She'd been such a fool – her mind going back again to when she saw him in the conference room. He'd held her so tight and been so happy to see her.

"Were you going to make a move when you came back from your exile? Were you planning on, you know, telling me how you feel or asking me out? You were giving me some pretty strong signals when you got back, but then you would pull back. I thought I was imagining things."

"Yeah, that… I wanted to but didn't know how – so much had changed in two years. After New York, you started avoiding me, even on cases and I figured that it wasn't the right time. I tried to give you some space…" – He laughed to himself a bit. – "Then I had the brilliant idea to work the art theft case because I thought it could be a fun case for us… boy did that backfire on me. You started dating Marcus. He seemed to make you happy, so I backed off – which was hard, because part of me, the logical part would reason – she's happy, that's what you wanted, you have no right to make demands on her time and the other part, the illogical part that was in love with you, just wanted to be around you all the time regardless of your relationship status."

"Why didn't you say anything? I gave you plenty of openings-" she said frustratingly remembering all the times she wanted him to just say something, so she didn't feel so confused all the time.

"I did…, I tried…, but you weren't exactly receptive-" he said apologetically.

"No, you didn't… when?" she asked.

Jane rubbed his face. He didn't like arguing with her, but a least she was in his arms.

"At the restaurant, Il Tavalo. I asked you what you wanted to hear, and you said you didn't know," Jane shrugged. "Then I… came over to talk to you that one night after the case – when I brought you the cannoli… that was really bad timing on my part again because Marcus was there. I figured I'd lost my chance and it wouldn't have been right. And… at that point, I was certain I would lose you if I didn't back off."

Teresa shuddered suddenly. Realizing how close they came to not knowing their feelings for each other and it made her feel cold in the tropical heat. The wind came out of her sails and she felt bad for confronting him on something that was as much her fault as his. She'd been afraid of her feelings when she'd seen him again in that conference room and of getting rejected… and had acted accordingly. She couldn't blame him for how he reacted.

Jane felt her goose-bumped flesh and looked at her with concern. "We should go inside. C'mon – you can go grab a hot shower."