"I'm so sorry. I can't do this. Don't hate me." I read the text message aloud, taking another swig straight out of the tequila bottle. The time stamp reads 11:12am and I have been drinking since then, drowning my sorrows. I started with a beer and progressed through what was in the apartment until I finally made it to the nearly gone bottle of Jose'. It was nighttime now. I has no clue what time it is, as my vision was doubled and the clock on the wall wasn't making sense.
"I'm so sorry. I can't do this. Don't hate me." I say again. "I don't hate you, Nic. Obviously I hate myself." I finished the bottle and tossed it toward the trash and missed, hitting the wall and shattering on the floor. "Fuck."
BANG BANG BANG The banging on the other side of the wall was angry. "It's 2am! Some of us have jobs!" A female voice shouted. I guess it's 2am.
Obviously it's time for me to go to bed. I retreated to my room where I laid my head on my pillow. The pillow smelled like her; Nicole. Of course it did. Nicole smelled great, like flowers and citrus. Memories fled into my mind of Nic - her face, her body, the way she slept here. It was a short tryst, but more familiar to me than I was ready to admit.
I quickly stood up and ripped the sheets off the bed, then threw the pillows across the room, accidentally knocking a lamp into the wall.
BANG BANG BANG! "Dude! Seriously?! I'm calling the manager tomorrow!" The female voice sounded pissed.
"Fuck off! It was an accident!" I shouted. I laid down on her bare mattress and let the room spin. "I'll deal with her tomorrow." I thought as she passed out.
The sunlight through the blinds landed on my face and woke me. My head throbbing I stumbled to the bathroom and promptly vomited into the toilet. As I was clutching the cool porcelain I began recalling the day before. Nicole broke it off. Got drunk. Neighbor yelled. Oh...yeah. Gotta deal with her.
Im not too concerned, I had lived there for almost a year and had never really talked to Cameron. I knew her name was Cameron because sometimes I got her mail. I also knew that Cameron was blonde and had a great ass. Other than that, nada.
After composing myself and showering I decided to try to talk with Cameron. I exited the door and took the few steps to Cameron's and knocked. No answer. Damn.
Back inside I mixed myself a little hair of the dog hoping it would help settle my stomach. Since it was a nice day I decided to have her cocktail on the balcony. I grabbed my shades and stepped out. There was Cameron. Next balcony over and staring at me. Fuck.
"Hey" I said, surprised.
"Hey?!" Cameron shouted. "Hey?! That's all you've got?! I spent all fucking day running my ass off taking care of sick people to come home to some moron banging on my walls every time I get to sleep!" Blondie was pissed.
"I'm sorry." I paused. "Please don't shout. I don't feel-"
"I'll shout if I need to shout! You certainly made all the noise you wan-" Cameron stopped mid sentence to watch me hurling myself over the side of the balcony, puking. "Oh shit, really? Ridiculous."
I straightened up enough to get to my knees and look through the bars of the balcony at Cameron. "I'm really really sorry. I was having a bad day. It won't happen again."
"Get your shit together. I'm Cam, by the way."
"Davey." She said, half pointing at my own face.
"I know." Cam said. "Get some rest, drink this and maybe try not drinking your troubles away." Cam said, tossing over a bottle of Gatorade and going into her apartment - closing the door behind her.
"What a dick." I said out loud, opening and swigging the Gatorade. The rest of the day was a blur. Washing sheets. Prepping for the week. Grocery delivery. Later that evening I laid on the couch and channel surfed and stopped on a local news channel.
There had been talks of a virus going around and it was starting to look serious. There's been confirmed cases here. Some folks have died. Geez. Some people are pretty worried. It's all confusing.
This is all making me want to have a drink. I should go to bed.
The next morning I make coffee and curiously peek out the back window. Cam is there sitting and sipping from a mug. I muster the courage to face her, embarrassed from yesterday, and slowly open my balcony door and step out. She doesn't look over. I sit in my lone chair and sip my coffee, unsure how to proceed.
"Sorry about yesterday." I spit out, looking down. "You were right. I was drinking away my troubles. It's just that... I got dumped. The girl wasn't even that special, it's just the situation, you know?" I looked up. She wasn't even looking at me. Just sitting there. I'm trying to apologize and she's not even acknowledging me. Maybe she can't hear me? She did talk really loud yesterday.
I stand and go to the edge of my balcony and try to get her attention. I can't see her eyes behind her sunglasses. Is she awake? Shit, is she dead? "Cam?" I say, waving my hands. "Cam!?"
Startled she jumped up, dropping her phone on the concrete. The familiar sound of shattering screen made me cringe. She reached up and removed her wireless earbuds.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" She yelled. "Do you just like messing with me?"
"I am so sorry!" I said apologetically. Fuck. "I'll buy you a new one! I was just trying t-" she cut me off.
"To to to... to what? Dude, I am really easy going, but you make it really hard to give you a chance." She said, storming inside.
Well, that went great. I go back inside and email my boss my grocery list for the week. Being a recipe developer has its perks. I order, they buy and deliver. It's nice to always have fresh in season fruits and vegetables to work with, and cooking is a hell of a stress reliever. I throw together a nice salad and a fruit parfait with hand whipped cream. Beautiful spring flavors. This will make a great recipe for whichever star wants to feature it on their blog next week. Perfecto. God I love food. I wish loving people was so easy.
I take pictures and clean up. It's early, so I jump online and talk with some friends from Austin. They seem to be doing well. Everyone is pairing off, having kids, settling down. It's not that I don't want that, I do. I just have a broken picker. Maybe I'm broken...
I need to get some stress out and I'm out of booze. I decide a run is a healthier coping skill. After my usual 3 mile route I turn into my apartment building.
I round the corner to my hall and slam right into Cam. We both fall to the floor and her bag of groceries splays out into the hall.
"Are you okay?!" I say, trying to help her up.
"Davey..." she says "What the fuck?" Her arms in the air, exasperated. "Are you trying to hurt me? Have I hurt you? Just...what the fuck?"
"Yeah. You know, I woke up this week and was like - boy I love hearing Cam complain about what a piece of shit I am. I should hear it more." I snapped. She laughed as she stood up. Her laughter made me laugh, and soon we were both giggling. "I really am sorry." I said, helping her pick up her groceries.
"I'm sorry too. I don't mean to come off like such a bitch."
"No it was my fault, really. I ordered you a new phone. It should be here tomorrow. I was going to bring it by, but you'll probably have a restraining order on me by then." I say.
She laughed. "I appreciate it, but you didn't have to do that."
"I wanted to! Consider it a peace offering." I say.
"Well, thank you." She says. "Wow you are disgusting!"
I look down at my sweat soaked shirt clinging to me and I know my hair is a hot mess. "You're not wrong. I should go shower."
"Okay. Thanks again." She says, opening her door. "See you for coffee in the morning?"
"Sure, I'll see you out there." I say and smile. Good, at least that's one thing off my chest.
The next morning Cam and I sit on our respective balconies and sip coffee and chat. Getting to know each other is fun. I learn she is an ER nurse and has lived in the building for 2 years. She has a cat named Simon and her favorite food is chocolate chip cookies. She's a foodie and loves going out to new restaurants. She also regularly smells my cooking and likes when I do slow cooker recipes because it smells good all day.
I tell her about work, and the restaurant business.
We keep is casual and I am enjoying making a new friend.
As I'm about to go inside and start working she calls to me "D...we made it through an interaction without yelling!"
"My god..." I say, "we'll have to do it again tomorrow."
It's a pandemic. Lots of people are projected to catch it. Many will die. Shelter in place. Quarantine. Social distancing. Get necessities. Essential workers report to work. No masks are needed. Please wear masks. Wash hands. Use hand sanitizer. No hand sanitizers or cleaners are available for purchase. Sold out. Limit 1 toilet paper per person.
Wow. This happened so fast. So, I'm home. I'm safe at home. I can still work from home and my groceries are already delivered, so I'm okay for now. Wow.
Cam and I have been having regular coffees on the balconies and since she is a nurse I've been asking lots of questions. It's scary. She's going to work and there isn't enough protective gear to last so she has to reuse. She is wearing the same mask for her whole 12 hour shift. The hospital has limited protective gear and they all have to share the same protective gowns. She's scared. This is fucked.
I'm settling in to my new normal, which coincidentally isn't a big stretch from my old normal aside from occasionally going out to a restaurant or bar. I meet Cam in the mornings for coffee, and we keep each other entertained with stories and anecdotes. It's nice. Almost feels normal. I worry about her, but she shrugs it off and makes me feel better. I skype with my other friends and, other than being a little stir crazy, this is not so hard.
About 2 weeks into quarantine Cam and I sit on the balcony again, 10 feet apart as usual and well above the guidelines posted by the suits. We haven't talked much this morning, just sitting and enjoying the sunrise. The birds are chirping and this feels good, like the world is beginning to stir. Cam looks over at me, "whatcha making today?"
"I'm going to try out a cookie recipe I've been thinking about."
Suddenly she sits up and raises her chin. "Ahem. Cookies you say..." raising her eyebrows.
"I'll see if I can keep a few virus free for you." I smile.
"Okay then. Tonight. 8pm. Cookies and wine? Do you have wine over there?" She says.
"I sure do. See you at 8." I say.
"Alright" she smiles. "Off to work. See you." She has a 12 hour shift in the ER.
"Be safe!" I say as she smiles over her shoulder back at me. Those scrubs she is wearing are sexy as hell.
I take the rest of my day to clean my apartment, get laundry done. I bake several batches of cookies, tweaking each along the way. Needs nuts, needs cinnamon, too much butter, and then, finally I have a winner. It's perfect. A nice walnut chocolate chunk cookie. 4 in diameter, 1/2 in thick, perfect chew and mouth feel. Dunkable and breaks beautifully. Not too crumbly. Moist. Haha, moist. Cam hates that word.
I finish up, take photos and write it all up, as per usual. These will make nice comfort food for an article about staying home. It's closing in on 730pm so I pop open my red wine and start sipping. It's a nice night so I go out on the balcony and sit, waiting for Cam.
I see the light come on in her apartment and glance over to her sliding door. The blinds are open and I spy her. Oh... she's getting undressed. I look away, but my curiosity takes my eyes back for a moment and I see her bare back. Look away, perv.
It's been a while since I've seen anyone naked, obviously, so I can't help but feel a little butterfly. I keep my eyes to myself and continue sipping my wine and waiting.
Cam slides her door open a bit later and steps out. She is freshly showered and her hair is wet. She's wearing a t-shirt and shorts. And I can't help but notice, no bra. I take a deep breath and smile, keeping my eyes up north.
"Sup, girl, you got a cookie for me? Virus free?" She says.
"No, I have THE cookie for you." I run inside and grab a cooling rack full of cookies and a spatula. "Alright, I baked these. Then I transferred them to the cooking rack with this spatula straight out of the dishwasher, I have not touched them. Savvy?"
"Hell yes. Strong work." She says as she extends her hand.
"Obviously I can't just hand it to you." I say. She raises one eyebrow and I suddenly take the spatula and fling a cookie her way. She screams and jumps to catch it. We both laugh so hard.
"Mmmm, ohmagaw thif if so goo!"she says taking big bites.
"Damn, girl! I know you said you liked cookies-" I say.
She swallows and looks up, "I fucking LOVE cookies."
"Are they MOIST enough?" I tease, emphasizing the word. She stops mid bite and glares at me.
"That's disgusting and you're an asshole." She says seriously and I laugh. It doesn't stop her from eating another cookie.
We sit and drink wine. She will occasionally say "cookie me" and I fling another her way. I can tell I'm getting tipsy as we giggle through stories about our day.
It's silent for a moment and Cam says, "so are you seeing anyone these days, Davey?"
I smile and shake my head. "I'm staying away from dating right now. Quarantine and all."
"Shame. It's been quiet at night lately. No one has been banging on walls or screaming or anything." She said, laughing.
What? I don't recall screaming. What's is she talking about? "Sorry about that night. I was having a pity party. I don't remember screaming, but I was really drunk." I say.
She laughed. The way she said my name sparked something. I've never gotten mail from her. How did she know my name that day? My mail is usually addressed to my real first name, anyway. How did she know people call me Davey?
"Cam, how did you know my name?" I say. She laughs harder, snickering.
"Mmmm..." she says, taking a sip of her wine and standing up. She puts her hands on the railing of her balcony. "Oh..." she breathes. "Oh right there...yeah." I am at a loss. "Oh, Davey, yes. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Yes. Baby yes. Davey you are so...oh...so...oh my god...yes!"
Oh. Oh fuck. I am so embarrassed. She stops and looks over at me, grinning and says "Do you only fuck porn stars?!" And laughs, doubling over.
I smile my best *embarrassed red cheeks* smile. "Walls are thinner than I thought" I say. "And FYI, I usually fuck girls used to faking it for men. That's the problem I guess." Laughing. "Don't lie, you're impressed!" I say, giggling. She raises her eyebrows in agreement as she takes another sip of wine.
"So what's the deal?" She says.
"Ugh. Well there's a couple of big problems." I say.
"Okay. Number one." She says helpfully, taking a seat like she is playing therapist. I'll amuse her I guess. I do consider her a good friend at this point.
"Straight girls are attracted to me." I say.
"They can't be THAT straight, then." She says.
"Sure, you'd think. But I have always been the kind of girl that women look at and think 'if I ever did it would be with someone like that'. And that's the problem." I confess.
"Why is that a problem?" Cam says, earnestly.
"Because I am attracted to straight girls." I laugh. "I heard once that pursuing something you know you can never have is just a way of hating yourself. Like...if you feel like you don't deserve real love, you'll do anything to avoid it. It's a 'get what you feel like you deserve' type thing." It's silent for a moment.
"Shit." Cam says. "You deserve good things." And she stands to look at me. "I saw someone die today." She blurted out. "His wife of 47 years wasn't able to be with him because of this fucking virus. You need to get your shit together and realize life is really, really fucking fragile and we get one shot at happiness."
Damn. This girl deals with heavy shit every day and comes home and deals with my shit. And she's right. I need to get over myself and give people a chance. "What if...what if I fall for someone that leaves me?" I say. That's what I'm scared of, ultimately.
"What if you fall for someone, and they love you back?" She said quietly. "What if...what if you and her really do find happily ever after? What if you find someone that calls you on your bullshit, and pushes you, and loves you, no matter how neurotic you get? What if...you find exactly what you didn't know you wanted?"
"You're pretty amazing." I say. "I'll think about it." She motions for me to toss her another cookie and I do.
"Well whoever brings you down is a lucky girl, according to what I've overheard." She laughed.
"What about you, nosey? Anyone making you breathe heavy lately?" I ask, joking. I haven't seen or heard any such activity in the year I've been there.
"There's nibbles here and there, but I'm holding out for someone to realize I'm alive right now." She said. "It's complicated." I assume she means someone she works with. Judging from her demeanor and my gaydar, she means a guy.
"Well, he's lucky when he does. You're pretty special." I say as she gets up to go inside.
"Thank you." She says and slides the door almost closed, then looks over her shoulder to me and says, "Hopefully she gets her shit together soon."
So. Here we are again.
I shower and towel off, then gaze at myself in the mirror. Tattoos, dark brown short-ish hair. Nice white teeth. Piercing green eyes. Toned body. I've made a nice specimen of what would be considered an attractive lesbian. Not butch, feminine with a little badass vibe. Sensitive, but not the kind of person that lives their life out loud. Private, reserved, and clever. I always ask them about themselves. I always make it a point to make it all about them. I divert questions about me and turn the tables. I keep myself a mystery so no one gets too close.
So. Here we are again.
If Cam meant me...fuck. She is so sexy. I dig the nurse thing. Her scrubs fit just right, and damn I'd love to slide them off her perfect body. It's not just that. She's a good listener. She knows me. She knows what I've done, how I've behaved. She has a good heart. I know her. We've become so close. I don't want to mess up what we have.
What if it's not me? That would hurt. This is quarantine. What happens when life opens up again? This is all confusing. I should go to sleep. I'm drunk and history serves that I don't make good decisions in this state of mind.
I lay down and drift off to sleep. I am awakened at midnight by the sounds of ecstasy from the other side of the wall. I hear heavy breathing and small moans. Wow, Cam was right. The walls are thin.
It's definitely Cam's voice. My heart sank. I guess she figured out her shit, whoever it was. I left my bedroom, as I couldn't take hearing that. I slept on the couch the rest of the night, tossing and turning. This hurt. I felt a real connection to Cam, and this hurt terribly.
The next morning I skipped the coffee date. I couldn't face her and I needed to process. She is a grown woman with needs. I didn't realize soon enough that she could be right for me. Maybe I only want what I can't have. I am action packed with issues. I just need some time to think, and get the sound of her soft moans out of my head. I take the day and catch up with friends on skype. I put on a bandana as a mask and go for a run.
I get back to the apartment building and stretch before going inside. I see Cam's car pull up and park in her spot. Time to go. I start heading up the stairs and she shouts to me, "Davey! Wait! I got you something!"
I feel bad for ignoring her, so I turn around. "Hey. Sorry. I'm all sweaty. Need a shower."
"No worries! Missed you this morning." She said. She was wearing a yellow surgical mask, so her facial expressions weren't exactly a big clue as to what she was thinking. "I got an extra N-95 mask for you, so you don't have to wear the bandana." She said, handing me a green cup shaped mask with 2 straps. "It's not great for jogging, but good for anything else really."
"Wow. Thank you so much." I really did appreciate it. The whole virus was making everyone anxious.
"Are you mad at me?" She said. Her eyes were curious and wanting.
"No! No. I think that you should do you. I'm not mad at you for anything." I said.
"What does that mean?" She said, confused.
"Well, you know, be with whoever you want to be with. I just thought we kind of had a...connection. Sounds like you found your person. I'm happy for you." I said, earnestly.
"Davey, I legit do not know what you are talking about." She said. Ok now I'm embarrassed. Fuck. What do I do?
She continued. "Okay I'll admit I'm into you, but I'm not seeing anyone right now."
"But...I heard you. It's cool, just...don't play games with me." I said quietly.
"You...heard what?" She said, confused.
"I heard you last night, having sex with...whoever." I said.
Cam immediately turned bright red. "Oh my god." She laughed. "Davey..." she continued. "How do I put this?" Even under the mask I could tell she was biting her lip. "Last night I was...alone."
Realization hit me and I smiled the biggest smile. "Oh..." I said. Just then she too my hand and leaned in, the sides of both of our masks grazing.
"But I was thinking about you." She whispered.
No amount of mask could hide the surprise on my face as I stood there, motionless, shocked, and seriously aroused. The only thing running through my head was 'sexy blonde nurse wants me' 'sexy blonde nurse wants me' 'sexy blonde nurse wants me'. If this were a cartoon, there would have been eyes bulging out, train noises, whistling, steam, the works.
"Oh." All I could say.
We walk up the steps together and she stands in front of her door, and I stand in front of mine.
"Is this weird now?" She asks. God no. I want to fuck the shit out of you.
"Do you want me to come in?" I say, stepping closer to her, still wearing my stupid bandana mask.
She puts her key in the door and looks down, sighing. "I would love that. But you can't." She says. The cartoon soundtrack for disappointment plays in my head. "This virus can infect people and spread with no symptoms. It hits some people hard and others pretty mildly. I'm at a high exposure risk, especially now. I can't take a chance of infecting you or anyone else." She explains.
The realization hits me. "Well...how long...?" I eagerly ask.
"Honestly, no one knows." My heart breaks a little.
"Okay. That's okay. We can just continue to get to know each other and hang out. This will be good! We can take this slow." I say, optimistically.
"Absolutely. But, I need to get changed and shower." She says. Then she looks at me. "You should shower, too"
"Together?" I ask sarcastically.
"Bye, weirdo." She shoves me toward my door. This will be hard.
I shower and relieve a little *tension* and open a beer. I step out onto the balcony and Cam is there. "Got another?" She asks. I wipe one off with a Lysol wipe and toss it to her. She pops it on the side of the railing to open it and takes a swig.
We sit and talk. I ask about her family and she tells me about how her mom disowned her when she came out in college. She still talks to her dad and brother back home in Virginia. She moved here 3 years ago on a travel nursing contract and fell in love with a married ER doctor. They had a fling that turned bad and she hasn't dated in about 17 months. I told her about my first girlfriend, May. How we were together for a couple of years and then she decided she needed to go find herself in Africa. "And where is she now?" Cam asked.
"Last I knew she was living her best life with some people in Bali. I'm happy for her. We were so young. We both needed the space to figure out who we are." I said. I also told her about Kelly, who broke my heart. And then I spilled my guts about some of the girls I had been with that weren't right for me. "I'm glad we are talking. I'm really happy that you...well, that you are you. I'm glad we met." I said.
She smiled. "I'm glad too." We sit for a while and look at the stars and sip beers. It's nice. Peaceful.
The next day it is raining hard. I text Cam, "can't really have coffee in this. Want to video chat?
She calls and I answer, smoothing my hair just before I pick up. "Hey! This is different. How's it going?" She says. I see the she is still tucked in bed, her headboard a deep brown, accentuating her blonde bed head. She is wearing a white t-shirt and no make up. For a moment my heart hurts. Look at her. She is so beautiful. Her lips part in a perfect sleepy smile and her dishwater blonde hair falls on her shoulders just beside her oversized stretched out pocket tee. And she wants to talk to me. I'm so lucky.
"I'm good." I say. "I just wanted to..." compose yourself, dammit. "I just wanted to call and say good morning and I hope you have a good day."
"So sweet." She said, smiling. "You're a good friend. See you tonight."
Ugh! The knife in my heart turned like a key to the vault of despair! You're a good friend?! The fuck. Oh hell no. I cannot let the fact that I can't physically seduce this girl get me in the friend zone! No!
I take the day to gather myself and think through my shit. Cam is great. Good heart. Cares about people for real. Sexy as hell. God I'd love to see her naked. That's it! I need to get her feeling that way about me. I know she did at one point *wink wink. Hell yes. I've got this. I get to work prepping.
Cam gets home at 730 and I hear her coming in her door. My heart beats fast as I know she is getting undressed and showering right now. I hope she likes what I have planned. A bit later I hear her open her back door.
I pick up as she video calls. "What is this?!" She says excited.
"Just a little something I cooked up. I thought you might be hungry after a long day of saving lives." I say into the camera, giving her my best angles.
"Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots." I hear her say. "Why aren't you out here!?"
"Eat and then call me back. I've got more for you." I say coyly. She smiles and bites her lip. "Wait! What kind of wine do you have?"
"I've got a Riesling." She says.
"Ugh. Okay that'll do. Call me back when you're done!" I say and hang up. Riesling? Boo.
Video chat rings. "That was the best meal I've ever had! So good!" Cam says.
"Yay! Go check outside your door." I say. She looks at me suspiciously and leaves the frame. In a few seconds she comes back with a big plate of cookies.
"Damn, girl! You tryna make me fat?" She says, eating a cookie.
"I'm just trying to satisfy every craving you have." I say. Wow, how ridiculous am I?!
Cam laughs "you're corny!" Shit. Not going how I wanted. How do I shift this into gear?
"Tell me about your day." I say. Cam's eyes turn down a bit and she gets serious for a split second, then looks up and smiles at me.
"I'm more interested in what you did today. What's your plan here? You trying to seduce me with food?" She says smiling.
I hang my head in shame and laugh. "I'm new to this! I don't know how to really do this! I want you...to want...me..." I say shyly. "This is hard. It's much easier when I can touch you. When I can kiss you. When I can make you feel ... " ohhh I've said too much. Too fast. Fuck. I look up to see Cam looking at me in the camera. Her face is still. "Hello?" I say.
Cam blinks and smiles. "You don't have to pretend with me." She says. "I think you're beautiful and amazing." I can see she is picking up the camera and moving. "I want more than anything to feel your touch." I see her taking off her t-shirt, her wet blond hair falling out of it. I see her headboard. She settles the camera and I see her face. Her shoulders bare and part of her chest. "Go get in bed." She said. Oh hell yes. I take the camera and RUN to my bed. I hear Cam laughing. "Show me around!" She says. I give her the tour, which isn't much.
"Now you show me!" I say, eagerly awaiting a glimpse of her bedroom.
"Okay." She says as she stands up and points the camera at a floor length mirror. She places it on the bed and I can see she is topless. She looks into the mirror and gently slips off her white shorts and panties. "What do you think?" She says.
"Damn."
"Is that a good damn?"
"That's a god damn." I say. "You are so beautiful. Please let me come over."
She bites her lip, thinking. Her face is pained. "Oh I want you to! But this is important. Please understand."
"Of course I understand! That doesn't mean my body understands! I want to touch you. I'd give anything to kiss you." I say.
"Tell me what you want to do to me." She says as I see her taking the camera and laying on the bed.
"I'd start by kissing your beautiful full lips. I want to make sure you know I want you. I gently bite your bottom lip, just enough to make you a little scared. I lick your lips and move to your perfect jaw, trailing kisses down your neck. I make sure to use my hands and touch your neck and hips. I hold your hands." I hear gentle soft and quick breaths and see her eyes close.
"I like that." She says.
I trail my fingertips up your side and make small circles around your breast. I continue kissing, licking, nibbling your collarbone. I trail my fingers down your thigh and grab your butt." Her breaths are a bit more audible now. I see her face in the camera, eyes closed, lips parted, jaw relaxed.
"Davey..." she says breathily. "Are you touching yourself?"
"Do you want me to?" I say.
"I want you to feel good too. With me." She says blinking into reality.
"Okay, I'm with you." I say.
I position myself and she looks into the camera at me. "I'm kissing you. Kissing your neck. Licking and biting your earlobes."
"Cam...this feels so good." I say.
"I want you so bad." She says "I'm close." She drops the camera as I hear her fall apart. I follow seconds after.
We gather ourselves and get back to camera reality.
"Well that was something." She said, smiling.
"It sure was." I said.
"Goodnight, baby. Thanks for dinner and *everything. I'll see you tomorrow?" Cam said, sleepily.
"Absolutely. Sweet dreams." I said. Wow. That was intense.
The next day I woke late. Cam was already gone to work. My text message said 'make something great today! 3' she is the sweetest. I work and chat with friends and go for a run. Typical day. 730 rolls around and Cam comes home. She is wearing her mask and scrubs. All the hospital garb. I know she is covered in ick, so I keep my distance, but decide to meet her outside. She looks happy to see me. I'm wearing a mask too, just to be safe.
"Hey!" She says, muffled by the mask. I take her hand and he look surprised. "Davey...we can't" she says.
"Wait! I'm not talking about anything but a tour of your place. Masks on, I'll take my shoes off at the door. Germs don't stand a chance." I say. I've thought this through. She rolls her eyes and puts the keys in the door. It swings open and we enter.
"I have to change and shower immediately. I have virus all over me." She says.
"Sure! Of course. I'll just wait in here." I say.
She goes to the bedroom and take off her clothes. She doesn't bother to close the door and I peek a look at the leaning mirror from the camera last night. It's different being in her apartment. It's just a mirror of mine, but it feels so much different. More like her. I hear the shower start and I sit on a barstool. I'm not even sure how to behave now that this virus has impacted everything.
"How was your day?" I hear her calling from the shower.
"Not too bad." I say. The mask sure muffles words even if you're practically yelling.
"Huh?" She says. I move closer to where she is. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to catch a glimpse, even though that would be nice.
"I said it was fine." I try again.
"Can't hear ya! Come in here. It's fine." I walk in and see her silhouette in the frosted glass shower. Perfection. "I'm almost done. Keep your mask on and this should be okay." She says. I see her mask sitting on the counter and my instincts spring into action. I grab a dry washcloth and take off my clothes.
"Cam! Take this and dry off your face!" I say as I toss her the washcloth. She is confused but agrees. Then I toss her the mask from the counter. "Put this on!" She does and I enter the shower. Her eyes widen and she is surprised.
"Wow, never cease to amaze, huh Davey?" She says muffled and shaking her head.
I look her in the eyes as she studies my face. "I can't kiss your lips yet..." I say as I push the wet hair from her forehead. "But there are things I can still do." I gently push her body up against the shower wall and take her hands in mine. She blinks and holds her eyes on mine. I press my naked wet body to hers and let the water droplets remain the only thing between us. Her skin, so warm and soft against me feels like heaven. I look her deep in the eyes for permission to proceed. "Is this okay?" I ask softly. She doesn't speak, only gently nods her head.
I take my chance now and kiss her jaw gently. I trace my fingers along her throat and gently breathe into kisses on her neck. She is remarkably still, her chin up and eyes closed. I take her head in my hands and she looks at me with eyes I've never seen from her before. "Continue?" I ask.
"Yes." She says breathily. I trail my fingertips up her arms and down her sides while peppering slow kisses on her neck and chest. I like to take my time, and she deserves everything I have. I grab her butt and squeeze as she lets out a soft moan. I take her nipple in my mouth and lick and suck, and take her breast in my hand. She moans more and grabs me at my waist, pulling me to her. We grind together and she feels divine.
I will earn every second with this girl. She is the one.
"I want you to kiss me." She says. I want that more than anything, but I can't yet and we both know it. I kiss her chest and trail my way to her belly. I get on my knees and lift her thigh. I lick and kiss and take the long way. She seems to enjoy it, with quiet moans and her quick breathing. She strokes my hair. I stand again and bury my face in Cam's neck, kissing and biting her shoulder, as she wraps a leg around me. I find a rhythm with my fingers and soon I feel her release. Her arms tight around me.
She rests her head in my shoulder, hugging me, the water beating down on both of us. "That was amazing." She said. It was. It is.
We get out of the shower and towel off. I know I have to go. God this sucks. I take her hand and say goodbye. She has to work tomorrow.
Back at my place I can't help but think about her. I'm not sure I'll ever shower again without thinking about her. Flashes of her drift though my mind. Her wet hair. Her neck. Her legs wrapped around me. Kissing her body. Her warm skin next to mine. God I just want to kiss her, lay next to her, cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with her.
The next day Cam texts 'got to work today and the screeners at the door checking temps said I had a 101 and had to go see doc. Being admitted and tested for virus. Be safe. If you have any symptoms go to doc. 3'
'Are you okay? Can I come be with you?'
'You can't. No visitors per policy. I'm okay. Just a sore throat today. Nothing to worry about. I'm sure I'll be home tomorrow.'
'Keep me posted! Let me know if I can do anything. I'll pick you up when you're discharged. Even if you're just bored Text or call. Whatever. Whenever.'
'Thanks! I will. Can you please feed Simon? Spare key is in the rock by my plant. See you soon!'
That's the last text I got from her that day. I texted and called a few times with no response. I'm starting to get worried. I called the hospital and all they could tell me is that she is there but since I wasn't immediate family they couldn't say any more. Days go by. I move Simon I to my place because the poor guy was going bonkers over there by himself. I tried to go to the hospital, but after being stopped at the front and asked a dozen questions about symptoms and contacts they told me I was not allowed in because Cam was a virus patient. Fuck. What now?
I lay in bed, unsure of what to do and feeling completely helpless. I wish I could...that's the problem. It's all about intentions and no action. I need to do something. But what? Then it hit me.
I jump out of bed and get to work. Flour. Eggs. Butter. Sugar. I work all night.
I wake the next morning and put on my chefs coat and load up my car. Don't forget the mask. I throw on a little extra eye makeup, because it's all people can see anyway, and head out.
I arrive at the hospital with a cart overflowing with beautiful individually wrapped cookies. I check in at the front and let them know I am here to give cookies for all the workers as appreciation. It's not a lie. I appreciate the shit out of these people. Brave mother fuckers that come to work knowing they could get sick and they still show up. From cam's stories I know she's been hit, kicked, cursed at, and had stuff thrown at her but she loves being a nurse. I do appreciate these people. And yes, I have another motive. Calm down.
The ladies at the front gush over the confections and one of them escorts me around to the other places to hand out more. We get to the ER and I know this is my shot to find out where Cam is.
It's eerily quiet. Since the CDC has banned waiting rooms and people can't gather, there is no one in the halls, no one sitting, waiting. If you aren't in a room as a patient you aren't allowed in the building (unless you have sugar). I see nurse buzzing by, wearing masks. I spy plastic gowns on hooks outside of doors and carts of supplies in nooks outside rooms. This is so strange.
We get to the nurses desk and the woman announces that I have cookies. Several people flock to the cart and I hand them one they like. Then a nurse comes up and asks, "any gluten free?" Her badge says Kelsey.
"I do! Hazelnut flour. That okay?" I say, presenting it to her.
"Ahh! Thank you!!" She says, delighted.
"Kelsey." I say, she looks at me. "You're a friend of Cam's! She has talked about you a lot. It's so nice to meet you!" She looks at me with realization when she sees my name on my coat.
"Davey..." she says.
"Where's Cam? Is she okay?" I ask seriously. She takes me aside.
"She's in the intensive care unit. She is intubated and on a ventilator. She's really sick. They are keeping her sedated, but when she comes around she is able to write on a notepad."
"Can I see her?"
"No one is allowed in that unit." She says. "Give me your number and I'll text you updates when I know them." I do and we part ways. I continue my cookie pass and try to fight the urge to find that unit and break in. My head is spinning and it feels like I can't breathe.
Back home I lay on the couch. I'm so tired and this whole ordeal has me in knots. I miss her. Is she in pain? Is she scared? I text Kelsey. No updates. This sucks. My body aches and I take some melatonin and go to bed.
2 days go by with no news. I'm feeling better and have my energy back. I decide a run will help me ease my tension.
When I get home I check my phone. Kelsey.
'She is doing better. She wrote a D on the notepad today. I know that was for you. Docs think they will take out the breathing tube sometime tomorrow if things keep going well.'
I am overwhelmed with happiness. This is great!
The next evening I anxiously await a text from Kelsey. Simon and I wait together on the balcony. When my phone rings my heart skips a beat.
Its... Cam... I pick up with a hopeful "hello?!"
Cam is whispering, but it's definitely her. "Hi."
"Oh my god. Are you okay? What can I do? When are you coming home? Are you in pain? I have so many questions. I miss you so much." I spit out. Even though she is whispering I can tell she is smiling. "I'm okay. Nothing. Probably in about 5 days. No I just feel like I can't breathe and my throat hurts. I miss you, too." I hear. Tears well up in my eyes. Simon jumps on me and stares at the phone. I put her on speaker and Simon meows. "Oh hi baby! I miss you too. Is Davey feeding you well?"
"Are you kidding? This spoiled guy gets all the good stuff that falls on the floor. He's getting fat!" I say.
"I cant talk a lot right now, but I can text." She says. I hear her sigh. She sounds tired. "I heard you came looking for me. I miss you so much. I can't wait to hold you." I wipe a tear away.
"Honestly it feels like my arm is gone. I don't want to quarantine with anyone else." I say and I hear her laugh.
"Ok switch to text. Bye." She says.
I text her nonstop about what's been going on the last week. News updates and virus numbers, recommendations from the CDC. The protective gear shortage getting worse. How lucky she is. I can tell she is getting down about it.
I just want to help people.
You do.
I feel guilty. This sucks.
Don't feel guilty. You got sick. You are going to be fine soon and back at work helping people and telling them how bad it can be.
Yeah. Change topic. I'm getting depressed lol
I made a tortellini soup today that you'd love. I was thinking of you.
Oh hell yes. I love it when you talk food
Haha! I'll keep it coming I guess
What else ya got? I can only have jello right now
I broke out my guitar out of boredom and then did an acoustic rendition of say you won't let go to Simon. He liked it. Thought I'd play it for you soon. It made me think of you
Now?
If you want. I'm no good!
She called and I picked up. She didn't speak. "Okay. So this is what i was working on. Please don't judge me!" I say as I start to pluck the strings.
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up
Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest
I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go
I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night
When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow
I'm so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We've come so far my dear
Look how we've grown
And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go
I wanna live with you
Even when we're ghosts
'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most
I'm gonna love you 'til
My lungs give out
I promise 'til death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
Finally it's just you and me 'til we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go
Oh, just say you won't let go
I don't hear anything on the other end of the line. "Cam? Are you there?"
"Yes." I hear faintly. "I'm going to get better and come home to you." She whispered. I smile and say good night.
The next few days go by so slowly. We text and share funny stuff. I try to keep her upbeat. It seems like she is getting better. She moved from the ICU to a room on another floor. She says that's a good thing. I try my hand at another song and she says she's like to hear it. My nerves need a glass of wine for this one. She entertains my nervousness and laughs.
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
But keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But, you are, the only exception
You are, the only exception
You are, the only exception
You are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know your leaving in the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream, oh
You are, the only exception
You are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.
"Cam?" I hear her, but not well. "Cam?"
"That was really pretty." She said. I think she's crying.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm just emotional right now. Sorry." She says.
"No don't apologize! Listen. I have poured my heart and soul out to you. I can't imagine my life without you. You are a huge part of me, and..." I hesitate. I know what I want to say. What if she rejects me? What if she leaves?
"And...?" She pauses.
"I...I'm so in love with you. I love your heart. I love your smell. I love the way you eat cookies. I love you, Cam." I say. My heart is racing. The other end of the line is silent.
"I love you, too, Davey." She says, happily. I can tell she is crying. I feel a million feet tall, like I'm floating.
She is coming home tomorrow as long as long as she can walk around without oxygen. This is big. She says we still can't be close because she is still technically contagious, so someone will be bring her home. There is a test for antibodies that apparently means you are immune to the virus. I head to my doctor and get it done. The results will be back in a few days. Until then, a wall separates us. If the test is positive for antibodies, I am immune and Cam and I can be as close as we want without worry. If it's negative we have to wait until Cam is basically symptom free for 5 days, which could be a while since she is still pretty short of breath. Ugh. Safety first, but this is so hard!
She texts me that she is on her way home. She warns me to stay inside my apartment. I will oblige. I hear her entering and talking with someone. They seem to be getting her settled. I should be there. I should be helping her.
The person leaves and she texts me that she is home and all is well. She thanks me for caring for Simon.
"Dinner is on the balcony." I send.
"So sweet!"
I hear her open the door and gasp. A giant plate of cookies wait for her along with some tortellini soup and a salad.
"Watch tv with me?" She texts.
We call and video chat while we watch a corny reality show. This is nice. Almost feels normal. I tell her about the antibody test and some stuff happening at work. Talking to a screen is getting easier. We retire to bed, each on our own side of the wall.
This is the hardest part
I know. I want you to hold me
I will soon
Promise?
I promise
I wake the next morning, knowing today is the day for my results. Cam is doing well. She showered this morning, and sent me a picture *wink wink. And she is lounging on the couch resting. What if I get to touch her today? What if...what if I get to kiss her?
I hit refresh on my patient portal test results app about two hundred times while working. I'm making a simple "use your pantry staples" meal. With so many in quarantine with limited access to foods, I figured it was a good idea. Plus, a comforting pasta dish is good for the soul. In the midst of my culinary genius Cam calls.
"Hey!" She sounds like she has her energy back.
"What's up, sexy?" I say playfully.
"What's your favorite smell?" She says. I'm confused.
"What are you talking about?" I laugh.
"There's this online quiz about how to get to know someone down to their deepest depths. One of the questions is —" she says.
"Oh...you're bored. Okay I'll bite. My favorite smell is hot olive oil. The smell as it hits a hot pan or pasta. That's the smell. It makes me smile every time." I say.
"God you're kinky." She laughs.
"Feeing good today, huh?" I ask.
"Feel great, actually. Today is day one of no symptoms. So in 5 days I can rejoin the human race." She says confidently.
"Well congrats! I'm happy you're feeling so good." I say.
"Any word from the doc?"
"None yet. Worst case scenario we just wait 5 more days." I say. "I'll wait however long it takes. Anything I can make for you?"
"Cookies." She says.
"Of course." I say. My emotions get the best of me for a moment. "You're just on the other side of the wall and I just want you here. This is torture."
"Hey! You're safe! I need you to be safe. It would kill me to know you were sick because of me, especially after what I went through. Keep it together, weirdo." She says. She's right.
"What about how it went down before..." I say, playfully.
"Not a chance! But..." she says coyly.
"But...?" I say. I receive a picture from her. Damn. "Okay. I will break through the wall!" She laughs. "I'm almost done cooking. Let me wrap this up and then video chat?"
"Sure." She says. I know she's smiling.
"Okay. I'll call you back in like 10 minutes!" I rush to finish and take pics of the food. It might be a little sloppy, but hey, it's quarantine.
Just then I get a call and pick up hastily. "A little impatient, huh?" I say.
"Ms Mitchell, this is Carey from Doctor Baker's office. I am calling to let you know your antibody test is positive. This means you are immune. Do you have any questions you'd like me to pass on to the doctor?"
"No!" I say, excited. "Thank you!" I hang up and head to the bathroom. I throw on some lotion and perfume and make sure I look hella good. She deserves it.
I see Cam calling me. She is wondering what happened. I step out my back door onto my balcony. This is it. I answer her call.
"Girl, you standing me up?" She asks playfully.
"Cam..." I say, taking a deep breath.
"Davey, what's going on?"
"Come out onto the balcony" I say. She hangs up and steps outside.
I see her face to face. Her blond hair falling onto her shoulders. Her green eyes. An oversized white t-shirt. A perfect smile. A perfect silhouette. God she's beautiful. I take in the look of her in the moonlight and it makes me weak.
"Davey." She whispers.
"Say that again." I say.
"I love you, Davey." She says, smiling.
I traverse the bars of my balcony and position myself in the outside of it. "What are you doing?! You're going to fall!" She says, eyes wide and scared.
I take a hitched breath and smile, looking right at her. She is covering her face with her hands, scared.
I jump.
I land and grab her railings. I fling myself over the rail and stand in front of her. "That was so stupid!" She said, keeping her distance.
I take her head in my hands and kiss her hard. I feel her hands take me by the waste, pulling me close.
"I need you. I want you." I say, kissing her relentlessly. She is smiling between kisses. This is it. My happily ever after.