Fair warning: Drunk Kit is an idiot. Also hints of depression.

I loved writing Kit and Dru for this chapter, I hope you enjoy!

...

Kit practically sprinted all the way to the nearest late night bar and ordered two stiff drinks right off the bat. He couldn't bare the overwhelming pressure of loneliness and regret washing over him, flooding him with feelings of worthlessness and pain. He was used to feeling insignificant, but at the moment the only thing he wanted to drown in was alcohol.

So much for his head feeling clearer. Why couldn't he handle a conversation with Ty? Why did he have to run out like that? He didn't even know what Ty was going to say.

He was an idiot. Nothing new there.

The bartender, a middle-aged man who went by the name of Oscar, took one look at him and poured him a shot of whiskey on the house, and Kit proceeded to drink himself into oblivion until bar close. A feat that made all too easy due to having eaten nothing since pancakes at breakfast.

Oscar was very obliging, and Kit tipped him well for his services to humanity. And for not asking any questions.

Kit staggered out to the curb. The world was spinning and tilting around him nauseatingly, like the tilt-a-whirl at the Santa Monica Pier. Blurs in the shape of people brushed past him and he realized very suddenly that he was far too intoxicated to function.

Kit!

Did he just hear his name? He whipped around, looking for the source and then deciding he had imagined it.

"Kit,you drunk moron. Get over here," the voice hissed.

He noticed the vague outline of someone beckoning him to the corner of the bar by the alley, and made his way there. It felt like it took a million and a half years.

"By the Angel, you're a mess."

Kit squinted at the figure. "Dru? Whyareyouhere?" he slurred.

"You called me. Remember?"

Kit pretended to think about it for a millisecond. "Nope, don't remember." He started to walk away, but he realized he had no clue where he was going.

"Good grief, do I need to hold your damn hand?" He gave it to her without complaint, and she pulled him into the alley. She pulled out her stele and he started laughing. "What on earth is so funny?"

Kit scrunched his face, trying to remember what was funny. "Oh! I was just thinking...I used to call those things magic Shadowhunter pencils." He burst into another fit of giggles and stopped abruptly as she drew a rune on his forearm. It stung. "Ow."

"You are making a scene. Why didn't you glamour yourself?"

"Didn't care," he shrugged.

She huffed a long, exasperated sigh. "Considering what you just told me earlier today, don't you think you should be a little more careful? Let's just get you home."

He gave in, letting her drag him along. "You're, like, the best."

It was apparently her turn to laugh. "You're not going to think so in the morning."

"Whynot? I always think you're the best."

"You'll see," she smirked.

It took somewhere between ten minutes and ten hours to get back to the Institute and Kit wasn't any closer to sobering up. Dru chatted away animatedly, but truth be told, he hadn't heard a single thing she said the entire walk back.

Kit attempted to lay down and sleep on the entryway rug upon their return, but for some reason Dru insisted that it wasn't a good idea. He didn't see why not, it was a perfectly comfortable rug.

Fine.

He meandered to the parlor then and attempted to lay down on the too small couch. He vaguely recalled squishing between the twins on this very couch when they had to flee to London that one time. It was the first time he had seen the ghost of Jessamine Lovelace, standing by the fireplace.

She hovered there again, giggling at him. "I'll say this; Will enjoyed his fair share of libations, too. Is there a single Herondale who doesn't have maladaptive coping mechanisms?"

"Guess not," Kit shrugged helplessly.

"Shame, I was rather hoping you would break the cycle," she tutted.

"I guess I will just be known as the failure Herondale then. It's fine."

"Kit, who are you talking to?"

"Nobody," he muttered.

Jessamine's spirit clutched at her chest in hurt and disappeared without another word, straight through the fireplace to wherever spirits disappeared to.

"Well, in any case," Dru said, clearly not believing him. "This still isn't your bedroom."

"Why are you being the destroyer of fun?"

"This isn't fun," she said flatly, pulling him up from the couch and half dragging, half carrying him toward the hall once more.

"That's because you're, like, not drunk, destroyeroffun." He smiled, a brilliant idea coming to mind."I think it will be my new nickname for you!"

"Call me that one more time and I'll break your kneecaps."

"Ooooh, destroyer of kneecaps," he whispered conspiratorially. "Even better."

He observed with great amusement the way Dru attempted to keep a straight face. She ultimately failed, bursting into a fit of giggles. Kit found himself laughing easily beside her, gasping for breath.

His fun was ruined once again, when he stumbled into the hall and came face to face with Ty, who shifted his gaze between them with an expression of mingled curiosity and concern. "Dru...Is Kit alright?

Kit found himself lacking a filter in his drunken state. "Like you care," he sneered. "I'm nothing to you, remember?"

Ty's eyes narrowed, but he remained silent. If Kit expected to get a reaction out of Ty, then he was sorely mistaken.

It angered him, and he shoved Ty.

"Kit! What on earth are you doing?" Dru exclaimed. To Ty, she said apologetically, "He's drunk."

He ignored her outburst, focusing what little attention he could manage on Ty, glaring at him with an intensity that startled Kit. "What, got nothing to say?"

Ty set his jaw. "You seem to have made up your mind regardless of what I have to say."

"Oh, is that so?" He shoved Ty again, with more force. He staggered back, anger burning in his gray eyes.

"What do you want from me, Kit?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Then why are you picking a fight?"

"Why?" Kit snapped. "Because you're an ass, Ty. And you never think about anyone but yourself. I may have left, but maybe I wouldn't have if you took a single fucking moment to—"

Kit never had the chance to finish, because moments later he was hurling the contents of his stomach into an ugly, giant urn. When he finally righted himself after a spell of dry heaving, Ty was long gone and Dru was glaring in accusation.

She grabbed him by the ear and pulled him all the way up the stairs and into his bedroom, grumbling and swearing.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"My problem?" he argued.

"Yes, your problem," she snapped, slapping him across the face. "I don't care how angry you are at my brother, or how drunk you are, you don't get to stand in front of me and insult him like that. I thought you were better than that, Kit."

"Dru…" he began.

"No. You need to fucking listen to me. I know he hurt you. I know you feel like he didn't care, but he did care. You leaving nearly destroyed him, Kit, and there was nothing any of us could do about it. He didn't leave his room. He didn't eat. He didn't do anything. It's a fucking miracle that he's even here, that he even managed to go to the Scholomance. Thank the Angel that he did, and that he found that lynx, otherwise I don't know what would have happened."

Her explosion effectively shut him up and his clouded mind struggled to keep up—to process the meaning behind her words. He hoped he remembered this in the morning, not that Dru was likely to let him forget.

"I—Dru, I had no idea," he uttered, so quietly that she had to lean forward to hear him.

"Of course you didn't," she said, with a tenderness that contradicted her previous outburst. "Look, I'm not saying this is all your fault. I know it's not. But I told Ty this, and I'll tell you too. You both hurt each other, and you need to figure your shit out. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you need to try."

"I've tried talking to him. Every time I do, I say something stupid or run away like a fucking coward."

"Okay," she sighed. "Maybe you should try listening."

….

"Get up."

Kit groaned, pulling the covers back over his head. He did not want to be alive. The pain in his head was overwhelming, made far worse by the memory of what he said to Ty.

"Get your sorry ass out of bed, now!" Dru ripped the blankets off him, leaving him exposed to the chilly air.

"Hey, give that back," he grumbled.

Dru merely stood there, arms crossed—always a force to be reckoned with.

"What time is it?"

"Six o'clock sharp."

"Please tell me you mean six in the evening; otherwise we are going to have words."

She laughed wickedly. "You wish. I told you that you weren't going to like me this morning. Now come on, we are going for a jog."

He leveled a stare at her. "You're kidding right?"

She lifted an eyebrow in challenge.

"Oh, you're not kidding," he said, crestfallen. "Can I at least drink some coffee first?"

"Nope. No coffee, no stele."

"Are you trying to kill me?"

She grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt slung across one of the chairs and tossed it to him. She then located his stele on the bedside table and pocketed it. Ignoring his question, she said, "Get dressed."

"Alright, alright."

She stalked out of the room, leaving him to contemplate his imminent demise. There was no way he was going to survive a jog with Dru in his current state of misery. He debated whether it was worse to just acknowledge how much of an ass he made of himself only a few hours ago and cut his losses. He really would rather dig himself a hole, fill it with spiders and lay in it, than leave his room for any reason.

He didn't leave his room. He didn't eat.

Fuuuuck.

He deserved whatever sadistic pleasure Dru got from torturing him this morning. He deserved to feel the pain and consequences of his actions. What the hell is wrong with him?

He emerged from his room ten minutes later full of dread and self-loathing. He just wanted coffee. And sleep.

He would get neither.

The first few blocks were manageable and Kit thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It was a beautiful morning for spring in London, with just a light fog hanging low over the Thames that seemed to glow from within as the sun ascended through the sky.

"So how much do you remember from last night?" Dru asked after a while, jogging easily beside him.

"All of it," he huffed. "Unfortunately."

"Good."

Silence stretched out between them and he wished she would just keep yelling at him. The silent disappointment was much worse.

Kit began to feel winded after not even a mile. On a good day, a mile was nothing, especially for Shadowhunters. He ran daily when he lived in Devon, but now he was already panting with exertion. He glanced at Dru, who looked as if she were out for a nice casual stroll.

"How long are we—"

"I will add on five miles if you finish that question," she snapped.

Kit shut his mouth without argument and resigned himself to the miserable trek in silence. He didn't even have to ask; Dru was livid with him. And he didn't blame her. He was livid with himself.

By mile two, he thought his lungs were going to collapse and his stomach had cframped to the point he thought it would remain that way permanently.

Yet she pushed on.

At mile three, Kit's legs were weak and his pace was sluggish. His head pounded with the ferocity of a million tiny hammers tap dancing on his skull relentlessly.

It all became too much very quickly, and he stopped abruptly, doubling over and vomiting whatever contents left in his stomach. Which turned out not to be much, since he'd heaved most of it up the night before.

"Okay," Dru said, approaching him and pausing a good meter away. "We're done."

"Seriously? If I'd known that's all I needed to do I would've puked my guts out two miles ago!"

"I'm surprised you even made it this far."

"I'm sorry, Dru."

"Nope, you don't get to apologize to me until after you talk to Ty. And I mean really talk to him. No more of this 'saying shit you don't mean and running away from your problems' bullshit."

"I don't think I can."

She gripped him by the front of his T-shirt, grimacing at the material damp with sweat in her fist. "You are Kit motherfucking Herondale. You can and you will do this."

"I realize that's supposed to mean something, but it hasn't done me a whole lot of good yet."

"You are impossible!" she exclaimed, braids flying around her face as she threw her arms up in exasperation. "If you don't talk to him today, then I will lock you both in a room together until you man up."

"But—"

"Not another damn word."

That shut him up for the second time in the span of thirty minutes.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're terrifying?"

"No. Most people are smart enough not to get on my bad side."

"Rude."

"Don't be such an ass then. It's not like you, and I don't like this version of you." She was right, as always.

"I don't like me very much right now, either." He could be witty and sarcastic, especially when he was uncomfortable, but acting like a complete asshole? That wasn't like him, and it was not fair to take his anger and insecurities out on Ty. Ty didn't deserve it.

Ty deserved the world handed to him on a silver platter and nothing less.

Now if only he could put those thoughts into actual, tangible words.

He resolved himself to do whatever he had to do to fix things.

….

After Kit had a long shower and a large mug of coffee, he set out to find Ty, a bundle of nerves settling uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach.

It proved more difficult than he anticipated. Either Ty was very good at being exactly where Kit wasn't, or he wasn't even in the Institute.

Kit resorted to leaving an old-fashioned note on Ty's bed. He hadn't previously been in Ty's room since his arrival, but where Ty was typically neat and orderly to a fault, he was surprised to find that Ty hadn't so much as unpacked the belongings he brought with him. Various books were stacked haphazardly in a pile on his bedside table with bits and pieces of paper sticking out from the pages. His suitcase sat open on the floor, clothes hanging off the sides carelessly.

To Kit, it meant that Ty had no intention of staying. The thought made him feel panicky and his palms clammy.

Even more reason to at least try to make amends.

He rummaged around for a pen and paper and set to writing his note.

"What are you doing?"

Kit's head snapped up. Ty had apparently returned from wherever he had disappeared to.

"This looks bad, doesn't it?" He grimaced, setting the pen back down.

"A little. Why are you in my room?"

"I couldn't find you, so I was leaving a note for you…"

Kit could tell Ty wanted to ask why and chose not to. Instead he said, "Well you found me, so what is it that you want?"

It was too close to the way he had asked what Kit wanted from him the night before; cold and angry and sad.

You are Kit motherfucking Herondale.

Get your shit together.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, more forcefully than he intended. Great start, Kit, you fucking moron. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "That didn't come out like I wanted it to."

"Clearly." Ty was keeping his distance, still standing like a statue in the doorway. "So what exactly are you apologizing for this time? Because last time you apologized for being as ass, yet here you are again."

Kit wasn't sure he had ever heard Ty swear. He braved a glance at Ty's face. The dark circles under his eyes were very pronounced, as if he hadn't slept. The lead weight sank deeper into the pit of his stomach, leaving him feeling nauseous once again.

"Ty…" he didn't even know how to begin. Curse Dru and her threats. He took a small, slow step toward Ty, and a deep breath along with it. "You're right. I've been an ass, and you don't deserve it. I'm sorry," he tried again. "I'm so unbelievably sorry, for everything."

"Everything." Ty couldn't look at him.

"Yes. You're not the one who's been an ass. I never blamed you for what happened at Lake Lyn. I should have told you the truth that I didn't want you to bring her back. I was so focused on not losing you that I forgot to just be honest."

Everything came tumbling out then, and it felt so good to let it out that he didn't care if he was rambling or even making sense.

"Look, Ty...I don't even think I'm mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I run the risk of all of this sounding like a pitiful excuse, but I just need to explain. I shouldn't have ran out last night when we were in the library. I should have stayed and listened to you; instead, I left...again. It was very childish and unfair of me. And then I got drunk because I couldn't handle the fact that you needed me all this time and all I did was selfishly choose to believe that I meant nothing to you so that it wouldn't hurt so bad."

"So what wouldn't hurt so bad?" Ty whispered. His hands trembled at his sides. Kit wanted to take them in his own and hold them tightly.

"Missing you," he said softly, releasing a long breath. "I've missed you. More than I can possibly express with words."

Ty took a step toward Kit then with a hesitance than nearly broke his heart.

"I've been such an idiot. And there's still so much for me to apol—"

"Stop." Ty reached out and gripped Kit's wrist, startling him. Kit looked up and found Ty's gray eyes on him. They were a cloudy gray, like the sky before a storm, and just as intensely beautiful. "I need to say this before I think about it too much, and find that I can't say it.I'm not good with words. Sometimes I say things…" he paused, fighting an internal battle that Kit could only guess at. "Things that are perceived wrong. And I know that I don't always show what I'm feeling. It doesn't always occur to me that others need that."

"Ty, you don't owe me an explanation."

"Don't." He squeezed his wrist a little bit tighter. "I do, because I hurt you and I didn't understand...You have to know that I never meant that you were nothing to me. You were the only thing keeping me going. And then we did that ritual and it didn't work like it was supposed to, and I was lost—so, so lost. I just wanted her back, Kit. I didn't realize I was going to lose you in the process."

Kit's skin felt like it was on fire where Ty's hand clasped around it. Ty's other hand was shaking uncontrollably, worrying at the cuff of his sleeve.

"Ty."

Ty released him, and Kit longed for his touch as if it was a lifeline.

"God, Ty, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I left without saying goodbye to you—without giving you an explanation. It was selfish of me."

Ty's gaze remained on Kit's. It was unsettling, but he knew Ty was forcing himself to do it, because he thought it was important. Kit wanted to tell him that he never had to force himself to do what wasn't natural for him, but somehow he suspected that Ty was doing it for himself as well.

"I'm sorry too...I understand now that I also acted selfishly," Ty admitted. "It's not something I wanted to admit, but it's true. I was selfish. With the ritual, with your feelings, all of it. I know what you were going to say last night—that I never stopped to think about how you felt, or what you needed."

"Ty, it's—" What was he going to say? It's fine? It wasn't fine. Also, Ty was dangerously close to acknowledging that Kit had told him he loved him. It sparked the sudden desire in Kit to escape. He pushed that impulse down as far as he could; they were actually getting somewhere and he wasn't about to ruin it by running away again.

"Do not lie to me and say that it's fine. You're the first person I cared about that wasn't a Blackthorn, or someone I grew up with. You were important to me and I made you think that you weren't and I'm scared that it's too late to fix it..." His voice broke at the end.

Kit was stunned into silence, feeling the buildup of tears burning in the back of his throat, but he forced the words out. "It's not. Not too late, I mean."

"Do you mean that? You don't...you don't still wish you'd never met me?" Ty's eyes shifted away from him, glistening with tears. It seemed Kit wasn't the only one ashamed of that memory.

Kit couldn't stop the tear that rolled down his own cheek then. He wiped it away hastily with the back of his sleeve. "I never felt that way. Those words never should have left my lips, no matter how angry I was."

Ty nodded and after a few moments said, "It seems that we both messed up, then."

Kit allowed himself a small smile. "It would seem so."

…...

Ty retreated to the roof after his talk with Kit. Not because he was still angry, but because for the first time in nearly three years, he felt okay.

It was an oddly overwhelming sensation he wasn't used to anymore—not since that night at Lake Lyn.

Forgiving Kit was no question, but forgiving himself—that proved to be an entirely different story. He couldn't help but acknowledge that if he had paid more attention to Kit's needs back then, they could have avoided the last three years entirely.

All stubbornness aside, he knew it did no good to entertain those thoughts. He finally knew why Kit had left, and Kit finally gave him the chance to explain. It had been remarkably easy to talk after that—after laying it all out.

Instinctively, he knew they would be okay..

He had wanted to ask about the feelings he now knew to be far from platonic, but had stopped himself from bringing it up, knowing that it didn't matter one way or another as long as Kit was with Dalton. He was self-aware enough to know that whatever complicated feelings he harbored for Kit did not matter. And that there was no reason for Kit to still feel that way about him.

What mattered now was finding a way to be Sherlock and Watson again, because despite what he had said about learning to do things without Kit, they were still better together. And always would be.

It was long after nightfall when Ty decided to come down from the roof. He found Shadow curled up at the base of the stairs, appearing to have been waiting for him. He knelt down and scratched her behind the ears, and she nuzzled her soft face into his hand, sending a wave of affection coursing through him.

Ty made his way to the kitchen with her following at his heel and rummaged around in the freezer for some kind of meat, waiting while it thawed in a bowl of warm water.

Shadow purred contentedly and made funny little noises while she ate. A wave of guilt went through him. He needed to be more mindful about her needs.

He yawned, suddenly feeling exhausted. He hadn't slept well since coming to London—mostly due to the change in his routine, but also because of everything between he and Kit.

He allowed his tired feet to carry him back up the stairs to his bedroom. The institute was silent; either everyone was asleep already or they had gone out. Then again, it was a huge place with many rooms to hide out in without being heard or noticed.

He paused at the top of the stairs and Shadow halted beside him, ears twitching curiously.

Ty heard faint music coming from somewhere.

He followed the sound until he came to the hall with Kit's office. Light beamed out into the hall from the room, and beautiful music along with it.

He approached hesitantly. He didn't want to interrupt, but he was entranced. When he peeked around the doorframe, he was startled to find that the lovely music came directly from Kit, delicately yet deliberately playing a violin. He observed in secret for a few minutes, enticed by the way Kit's lashes rested against his cheekbones as he lost himself in the instrument, the way his fingers moved over the strings confidently. He held the instrument with firm adoration, almost the way one would hold a small child.

It was apparent to Ty that Kit took great pride in handling the beautiful instrument, which undoubtedly belonged to Jem. With enough practice, Kit would play very well.

Ty fixated on every movement and every lovely note, even the imperfect ones. He could have stayed there for hours, just watching. The song wasn't anything he recognized, but it was lovely all the same. He should have crept away in silence, leaving Kit to play in peace, but he found that his feet wouldn't move.

"I didn't know you played," Ty said instead, finally managing to push his feet into the doorway. Kit stopped playing abruptly, and Ty mourned the loss of the sound. "It's beautiful."

Kit set the violin back in its case gently, and Ty thought about telling him not to. But he knew the moment was gone; Kit would not play now that he had an audience. "There's a lot you don't know about me," he replied simply, but with a small smile. "Jem taught me. I'm nowhere near as good as him, and probably never will be."

Ty nodded, gazing at a spot just above Kit's shoulder. Sometimes he wished he were better at making eye contact. He'd been able to do it earlier—had forced himself to, actually. There were many things he wished he was better at, especially reading people. He used to be able to read Kit like an open book, now it was like looking through a fogged up window; you could still see, but everything was blurred.

"Is there—"

"Let me."

They had spoken at the same time. Kit looked at him with a puzzled expression. "Let you what?"

Ty took a deep breath. He knew what he wanted to say, but getting the words out was a completely different battle.

"Let me know you again," he breathed.

He knew it came out as barely a whisper. He braved a glance into Kit's lovely blue eyes; eyes that had haunted his dreams for almost three years. They had widened just a fraction and the endless depths of his eyes reminded Ty of the sea—of home. Looking at Kit now, he finally felt a glimmer of understanding about why some people liked eye contact—there was vulnerability in the action. And right now he was leaving himself vulnerable and open.

Kit's mouth opened and closed slightly, which Ty took to mean he was struggling to decide what he wanted.

"You don't have to give me an answer now," Ty offered. "I just need you to consider it." He began to turn from the room when Kit's voice brought him back.

"Don't go," Kit said.

Ty released a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He moved into the room, and remembered that Shadow was still with him upon seeing the way Kit tensed. "Do you want to pet her?"

Kit raised his eyebrows in wonder.

"It might help you to not be so afraid of her." He sat down in one of the oversized chairs again, and Shadow hopped up beside him instantly, snuggling against his side.

"Can't she sense my fear?"

"Yes," Ty said without preamble. "But I'm here, and if I trust you, then she will trust you."

Kit nodded and approached slowly. He knelt down in front of Ty and the lynx, and Ty watched as Shadow lifted her golden eyes curiously.

"Put your hand out. Slowly, so she can get used to you."

Kit did as he was told, reaching his palm out in front of her. Ty ran his hand through her fur comfortingly, murmuring words of encouragement and praise as she sniffed his hand with interest, then laid her head back down lazily.

"Good," he said to Kit. "I think you can touch her now. Just be gentle."

Kit glanced up at Ty for confirmation and then back down at the cat. He slowly reached forward and rested his hand on top of Shadow's head, caressing her softly. Gaining confidence, he moved to scratch her under the chin and Ty smiled as he felt her purring contentedly against his side.

"She's incredible, Ty."

Ty grinned brightly, and it worked on Kit like caffeine. Kit's answering smile was dazzling and Ty wanted nothing more than to keep it there. "I think she likes you."

The fear had finally left Kit's face, replaced with a look of awe that pleased Ty immensely. "How do you do it? She is a wild animal, and yet she trusts you completely."

"Livvy and I rescued her. Livvy found her down at Dimmet Tarn, half frozen and starved. We nursed her back to health, that's all."

"Amazing," Kit breathed, standing up and plopping down in the chair across from Ty.

A comfortable silence settled between them and Ty found himself getting sleepy.

"I need to—"

"I want to—"

Ty laughed. It was the second time they had spoken in unison. "You first," he urged.

Kit shifted his gaze, looking abashed. "I want to know you again, too. That's all."

Ty found himself at a loss for words, so he dug his fingers into Shadow's soft tufts of fur and smiled happily. "Okay," he breathed quietly.

"Okay," came Kit's response, just as quietly.

Ty should have gone to bed, but he suddenly felt energized by Kit's presence. He found he wanted to know everything that had happened in Kit's life over the last few years. "Tell me everything about Devon."

"Alright," Kit agreed. "But only if you tell me everything about the Scholomance."

….

Yay! Finally!