"Buck, can you go grab a fresh narcan kit?" Hen barely looked up from where she was restocking the bus, hands moving faster than Buck could track them and he nodded, heading back to the storeroom when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Anxiety flashed hot in his chest and he closed his eyes, hoping that it was something good.

It wasn't.

He recognised the number and cursed, ignoring the call. Right. Narcan. That's what he needed. He found it among the stock and brought it back to Hen, handing it over before his phone rang again.

Hens eyes flickered up from her work to watch Buck pick up his phone and turn away, voice hushed and hard. "Stop calling me."

Hen raised an eyebrow as he hung up and turned back to her, gesturing to the pile of supplies at her feet. "Need anything else?"

Hen wanted to ask but there was no way he'd tell her. "No, I'm good here. Thanks."

He nodded and went to leave before Hen changed her mind and called for him. "Buckaroo?"

He swung back to her on one foot, fingers tapping anxiously against his thigh as he waited.

She needed to be careful, she couldn't push him but she wanted to help if she could. "Is someone bothering you? If you tell Athena I'm sure she can track th-"

Buck shook his head, shoulders tensing as his hands stuffed themselves in his pockets. "Nah, it's fine. Just...telemarketers. You know how they are."

Hen watched him shut her out, shoving everything inwards. "Buck, you need to let us help. Whatever it is that's bothering you is leaking out in your sleep, that's why you're sleepwalking. If you don't talk to someone about this it's only going to get worse."

Buck's eyes went hard but Hen could see behind that, she could see that he was scared. "We are right here, Buck and we want to help. You don't have to do this on your own."

Something in Bucks expressions crumpled. His bottom lip wobbling and hands trembling as his hands shook at his sides. His voice cracking as he spoke, breaking Hen's heart into pieces. "I can't, Hen."

"Buck-"

He'd admitted something was wrong. It was a start.

"Thank you, though." She could see his eyes were wet as he watched her, seemingly trying to convey something through his stare that he couldn't tell her outright. Something like, help me, I'm drowning.

"Everyone keeps telling me that they want to help and that I'm not alone. There's been so many moments in my life when just hearing someone say that would have saved me. You don't know how much it means to hear it now. But I can't tell you. If I tell you I won't be able to stop telling you. And I can't do that."

The admission was a huge step, it was a look inside Bucks insecurities and fears but it gave Hen more questions than it answered.

She didn't know what to say. She wasn't sure there was anything to say. He walked away, rubbing at his eyes and sniffling. Hen watched him, feeling more than ever that she didn't know how to help him.

::::::::

"If we ambush him he'll feel attacked, we can't go at this like that. He needs time."

"We don't have time! It's getting worse and now he doesn't want to sleep at all!"

"That's my fault. He knows he talks in his sleep and he's letting secrets slip without realising. I don't know what could be so bad that he wouldn't tell us when he so clearly wants help."

"Maddie, knows what it is. We can ask her."

Bobby shook his head, tired as Chim sighed, voice heavy as he explained. "She doesn't. I asked her. She thought it might have something to do with why it started in the first place but she said it was a head injury and wouldn't say anything else. But she was sure she didn't know how it could have started bothering Buck again."

Eddie stood, too annoyed at their lack of progress to sit still. "None of this is helping! We can't fix anything until we know what it is we're supposed to be fixing!"

Hen sympathised with him but Eddie's first instinct of aggression wasn't going to help anything either. "Buck doesn't need fixing. He needs support."

Eddie threw his arms up, pacing as his voice got louder and louder. "All I've been giving him is support! He still won't tell me what's going on!"

Buck clenched his fists where he hid behind the corner, listening to his team talking about him, Eddie's shouting sinking back to a tired murmur. "He's my best friend. And I feel like we're losing him."

It hurt, to know that he was worrying everyone he cared about so much but if he told them what started the sleepwalking he'd have to tell them about why it had started and he couldn't, he couldn't sit there and dredge up a whole life he'd tried to bury. They pitied him enough. He didn't need to add to that.

Buck couldn't listen to it anymore. He walked in, keeping his eyes to the ground as they all looked at him in shock, rushing to explain what they'd been discussing. He spoke first, addressing an abashed Bobby. "I've finished cleaning the truck. I'll be in the gym until you need me again."

He turned to leave, feeling Eddie's hand on his arm but refusing to turn when it pulled. "Buck, we were just-"

"I'll be in the gym."

He shook the hand off and left, the silence behind him heavy and stinging.

It didn't help that he avoided them all every chance he had and when he couldn't he refused to speak. Honestly, he was too tired and stressed out to do much conversing anyway, other things on his mind taking all of his attention.

During callouts he'd do his job, he'd have his teams backs but he didn't smile, he didn't joke or roughhouse like he used to. Eddie was right, it felt like they were losing him.

Expect when he slept. When Buck slept he'd search them out, calling for help during the middle of the night or early morning, asking to be saved in ways he couldn't in his waking life.

"Come on, buddy, Come out of there."

Bobby reached his hand forward, not knowing if Buck was able to see it, curled up in the corner of the showers, arms wrapped around himself. He shook his head. "Can't."

Bobby knelt in front of him, tilting his head as he tried to figure out what was going through sleep-Bucks head. "Why are you whispering? Why can't you come out?"

Buck blinked though his eyes were blank, eyebrows scrunched making him look scared. All of him looked scared. "Hiding."

The quiet word chilled Bobby's blood, sending goosebumps up his arms. "From who?"

Buck opened his mouth to say something before he curled up tighter, shivering in the cool night air. "He's angry again. I gotta be quiet so he can't find me."

It was close, he was so close to telling him who he was dreaming about, who might have been the person scaring him into sleepwalking again.

"Who, Buck? Who is it?"

It was the use of his nickname that changed something, his owlish eyes blinking as he seemed to twitch, a small smile warming his face as he laughed a little.

"Bobby has a tuna fish but he won't let me brush it's teeth."

And that was that. Buck's dream had shifted to something nonsensical and silly. It was a relief to see him giggling at the bottom of the shower rather than curling into the smallest ball he could but Bobby just knew that if he'd called the kid Evan he might have answered his question.

"Tuna, tuna, tuna, fish."

Bobby reached for him and gently pulled him to his feet. "Okay, kiddo. Let's get you back to bed."

And it was hard to joke about his sleepwalking adventures when most of them were cause for even more worry.

"What are you guys doing?" Buck watched Chimney and Hen scrub the locker room wall, red ink dripping to the floor.

Hen started pushing against his chest, gently easing him out of the room before he could see what the scribbling on the wall had been. "Don't worry about it. We've got it."

Buck brushed her hands away and strode back in, catching a glimpse of the scrawled words before Chimney wiped them away. It had been a repetition of "I'm sorry" over and over like a child writing lines on a chalkboard.

"Did I do that?"

Chim shared a look with Hen before he nodded, sheepish and quiet. "Yeah. I found you in here...you insisted that you had to say sorry before he found you again. So, that he wouldn't get mad."

Buck felt sick, wondering just how much they all knew, what they'd picked up from his 'episodes' and pieced together but he made his way to Chim and took the cloth from him anyway.

"I'll clean up my own mess."

They shared that look again, Chim opening his mouth like he was about to ask, yet again, for Buck to just tell them what was wrong but Buck turned away from the both of them and resumed their scrubbing. "You guys can go."

They knew he wouldn't budge and so they complied, only turning back once his voice came again, quiet. "Thanks...for taking care of me."

Hen watched his tense shoulders, lowered head and slow hands on the wall. He was tired and losing the battle with whatever was weighing him down. "I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn't have to do this all myself and that I could let you guys in again. But...not yet."

Yet. It should have been promising, it should have been progress but it only made Hen worry more.

During the day his phone rang almost every hour, texts chiming in and emails buzzing and Buck's hands were almost always shaking now. He'd had to hand off a rope rescue to Eddie, at the insistence that "my hands aren't steady enough, Bobby. Not today".

It was disconcerting to see him so down when he used to be the one they relied on for smiles and energy. Now, he was sunken down in his seat, head in his hands, staring down at his boots.

"Buck? You okay, buddy? Just five minutes back to the station and then I'll take you home for dinner with Chris. He's been asking about you every day, you know."

Eddie felt his heart sink as Buck sat up, eyes almost empty. "I don't know if I have the energy, Eddie."

He slapped his hand on the blondes back, wishing he could lend his strength through his grip alone. "You'll be okay. You'll feel better as soon as you see him, I promise."

He was right of course. No matter how tired and stressed out he felt, all of it melted away when he saw Chris, coming towards him as fast as he could. "Buck!"

Along with the rest of the extended 118 family that were waiting for him. "Happy anniversary!"

Buck couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face at the sight of his family all gathered together, celebrating...him?

Christopher gave him a hug and Buck squeezed back as hard as he safely could, stress dissipating from him in an instant.

"I'm gonna bring you some cake! Wait here!" He hurried off the second he was released, eager to get Buck his share of sugar.

Bobby smiled as he approached, Athena by his side. Buck pointed to the 'happy anniversary' banner behind them. "What's all this about?"

"It's the anniversary of when you got you joined our crew. You've come a long way since then, Buck. I'm proud of you."

Bobby's words melted the smile from Bucks face, replacing it with watery eyes and a wobbly grin that he fought to keep in place. It was just four words and yet they hit him dead centre where his insecurities lay deepest and he was relieved to hear them despite his recent behaviour and relieved to see that he meant them. "Thanks, Bobby. That means...everything coming from you."

The Captain nodded and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "But we've never celebrated an anniversary before. Why now? I didn't even remember that it was."

Athena wrapped an arm around Buck's waist and squeezed, looking out at their gathered family as they chatted and laughed. "Yeah, well really it was just an excuse to remind you how important you are to us. You've been going through something tough all on your own and we wanted to make sure you knew just how many people you have on your side."

Athena set her 'mama's talking and you better listen' gaze on him and he took in every word she said, needing to hear it as much as she needed to say it. "We've been worried about you, Buckaroo and Bobby kept telling me how many times you refused to share what was hurting you."

Buck wanted to refuse again but she spoke first, patting his chest to sink her words in all the more. "So, I told him to stop asking. You don't have to share anything you don't want to, honey. As long as you know we love you and you let us help in whatever ways we can, in whatever way you want us to, that's enough."

Athena had always been good but just those few words lifted what felt like a mountain of weight off of Bucks shoulders. He could feel it fall from him, the worry and the cold feeling like he was pushing everyone in a way he could never take back and she'd replaced it with that patented Athena Grace love.

He sniffled and nodded, bottom lip jutting out before he could stop it. "Thanks 'thena. I love you guys."

He wrapped his arms around her and tried to convey all his gratitude and love through his hug as she returned the favor. "I know you do, honey. I know."

The excuse for the party was weak but it was sure as hell a good time either way. Christopher got Buck his promised cake and dared him to a cake eating race which resulted in an hour of Buck chasing the kids around.

Eddie laughed so hard he almost cried as Christopher chased him into a bush, sending Buck crashing into the greenery, all but disappearing except his legs sticking out, arms making an appearance just long enough to pull a squealing Christopher in with him.

Bucks phone was forgotten, the stress and fear he'd been holding onto obliterated in the wake of so many people showing up just for him. Despite everyone constantly telling him he wasn't on his own he'd almost forgotten that even the biggest monsters could be defeated when you have enough people to help.

And he thought that, maybe, he could conquer his. He was strong, not because he held it all on his own but because he knew that he had a family behind him, supporting him and ready to take it when he couldn't anymore.

When everyone was happily occupied, the kids playing and the adults all talking, he slipped away, taking his phone out and calling the number he'd been cursing for days.

It didn't ring for long, a gruff voice that Buck still heard in his nightmares answering after just a moment and Buck closed his eyes as he took a steadying breath. "Okay, I'm ready to talk."