Let's Put It Back Where it Belong
by: AW
Part IV
Rated: MA
Pairing: J/C, P/T
Summary: Re-write of everything after Equinox
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or episodes, but the story however twisted is mine.
Date: October 2002
Length: 521 words
Author's Note: This happens after Equinox, but assumes that the rest of the series didn't happen as it did.
That night was full of dreams unlike any other. They were nightmares beyond belief. Kathryn woke up what must have been six or seven times in a five-hour period. Despite not needing to be on the bridge until 0800 hours she awoke at 0430 to simply be awake and away from the horrors of the night.
Nightmares filled with Chakotay. Unborn children, stillborn babies, all pointing fingers and blaming her. She was the Captain; it was her fault.
She needed reassurance that it was not her fault all these things happened, that she was blaming herself unnecessarily, but she knew none was forthcoming.
She knew the only person who could give her that reassurance and that care was her second in command. And at this point she knew he was her most avid supporter in the 'everything is Kathryn's fault' campaign.
The more Kathryn thought about it, the more she was sure that everything was indeed her fault.
It was her fault they were stuck in the Delta Quadrant.
It was her fault numerous crewmembers had perished on this journey.
It was her fault she was alone.
She had pushed, and pushed Chakotay away until he had no reason to trust or love her, the way she figured he should, and the way she knew he would if given the chance.
It was only a matter of time before he did move on, before he found someone else to fill the void and loneliness in his heart.
She just wished today, as she wished every day for the past five years that the person filling that void was her.
Kathryn realized though that the only reason that void remained unfilled was her stubbornness and her own stupidity.
Her foolish pride.
Her prayers that they would get back to the Alpha Quadrant in her time.
And finally her hopes that he would still be waiting for her when that day came.
The only problem was, no one would be waiting for her. Mark had moved on, and now Chakotay.
The life Kathryn Janeway had always secretly hoped for had vanished and turned to a pipe dream before her very own eyes.
In one fell swoop Kathryn had managed to destroy her life, the possibilities for Chakotay's life and the assurances of Tom and B'Elanna's future.
But she was the Captain.
Would always be the Captain.
And for her that would have to be enough.
She had made her choices and now she was living with them.
Problem with those choices was so much harder than making them, and Kathryn, for the first time in her life just wasn't sure she was strong enough.
END PART IV
TBC in Part V