"I don't like this, Ana," Kate whispered, smoothing the wrinkles from my blouse for the third time. At this point, the thing was as straight as it was going to get, but I didn't stop her. I knew she was only doing this to soothe herself.

"I'll be fine," I promised, disentangling her from the front of my blouse. I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed her knuckles gently. Her expression didn't clear. I hadn't seen her this panicked since her last pregnancy scare.

"Let me do this for you," she pleaded. "I can dye my hair brown. I can act the part. Just-"

I seized her and kissed her to stop the babbling. It wasn't like my Kate to be this unsure of herself. Even though we'd broken up over the summer, I still felt fondly toward my ex-girlfriend enough to give her assurance when she needed it.

"You're too tall," I murmured against her lips. "You remember that Leila said he likes petite women. You can dye your hair all you want. You can't chop off your legs."

Katherine shuddered under my touch. "I'm scared for you Ana. This guy is dangerous. We haven't heard from Leila in weeks. What if he tries to hurt you?"

"Elaine is on standby. She'll help me. And if all else fails, she can contact Detective Clark by payphone," I assured her. "And if the stalker CEO does get me, no man on earth is safe from you, right Kate?"

She gave me a hesitant smile. "Hell hath no fury like a Kavanaugh scorned."

"Exactly. So relax. I'm going to be fine."

She reached up, twining her fingers gently in my hair. It was wavy, sleep-tousled and refused to lie flat. I knew better than to sleep with it wet, but after the late-night briefing and last-minute training sessions with Elaine, I was too tired to expend the effort to blow dry it after the perfunctory shower and bedtime routine.

Kate pressed her lips gently to mine again. I tasted salt and my stomach twisted. God, I hated it when she was upset. Her tears always slayed me. I allowed the kiss, cupping her face in return. It was sweet and gentle and full of all fears we refused to acknowledge. Like the fact this mission could actually get me killed if things went south.

Leila Williams had come to my mentor and part-time employer, Eliane Mallory six months ago, claiming she was being stalked. She'd clearly been scared and I still wondered what had possessed Elaine to push Leila toward the mortal authorities rather than deal with the problem herself. Maybe she'd been too preoccupied with training me. Maybe it was the distance. After all, we operated out of LA. Leila had lived in Seattle at the time.

I'd never know the reason, and it didn't ultimately matter. Detective Clark, of Seattle PD, contacted Elaine only a few weeks after she turned our would-be client away. Leila Williams was missing, presumed dead and we'd been the last people to see her.

Clark was building a case against Leila's alleged stalker, CEO Christian Grey. Clark thought he could connect Grey to more disappearances and deaths. Still, there was no proof. Nothing solid we could bring before a judge. Grey had enough money to buy a jury. We had to have irrefutable evidence before we moved in for the kill.

Which was where I came in. It was eerie, how much Leila and I had resembled each other. Both petite, barely curvy, brunettes with blue eyes. I'd wager with sleep and a proper diet, Leila had been prettier with me. I'd probably never find out, though. She'd been haggard when she came to the office. She was probably in worse shape now, if she was still alive.

I could only hope the resemblance would work in our favor. We needed to catch this monster before he struck again.

Kate was still shuddering when she pulled away from me. I brushed the tears away from her face, kissed her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead.

"You come back to me, Ana," Kate whispered fiercely. "Don't you dare die on me. If I arranged this interview and it gets you killed-"

"It won't. I promise." I reached down and picked up my purse. "Walk me out?"

Kate nodded absently, still lost her thoughts. She looked pale and haunted. I really hoped it wasn't the last expression I'd see on her face. She took my hand and together we exited our apartment.

The air outside was frigid and it had begun to rain. I was really beginning to hate the gloomy wet of Seattle. What I wouldn't give to be back in balmy LA, relaxing in the Kerckhoff Coffee House on campus. Transferring to WSU Vancouver had been a necessity, but not one I relished. We had to sell the act. If I had to wring myself out for the next few months, so be it.

Elaine was waiting for me in the car. The VW Beetle was a loaner, given to Elaine by our very last line of defense, Warden Carlos Ramirez. If he had to step in, things really had gone FUBAR.

She was beautiful. I probably would have thought it, even if I weren't ragingly bisexual. She had keen, intelligent eyes set over a pert nose and a generous mouth. She was lean, with long legs and arms, built like a marathon runner. The sight of her in a dress always made me a little envious and, if I were honest with myself, tingly in all the right places.

I might have developed a thing for tall blondes.

She preferred logo tees and blue jeans, knocking her down a peg from gorgeous to merely breathtaking. Today she'd dressed down further than I'd ever seen, with sweats and a hoodie, trying to look as unobtrusive as possible while she waited for me in the car. Her eyes roved over my attire. A wrinkled skirt and blouse, conservative by anyone's estimation. I kept my shoulders hunched, my chin tucked down, as we'd practiced. Vulnerable. Unsure. Easy prey.

She nodded approvingly. "I think this will work. You ready to go, kid?"

I dragged in a deep breath and steeled myself. I didn't have any choice but to be ready. Preparations had been made, the trap set. I couldn't back out now.

"As I'll ever be."

AN: I had the idea for this fic after reading Gehayi and Ket Makura's very thorough and insightful sporking of the Fifty Shades trilogy which can be found on the Das_Sporking LiveJournal and possibly on the Dreamwidth site. (I mostly visited the LJ.) They had Harry, Thomas, and Bob of the Dresden Files spork a chapter or two and it was hilarious. And it got me thinking. Ana's sexual naivete and being tragically out of touch with technology could be explained with one really easy fix. She's a wizard.

For those seeking a loving sendup to Fifty Shades, abandon hope all ye who enter here. This is hugely in spitefic territory and an alternate universe crossover to boot. For those of you who stick around, I really hope you enjoy. :)