a/n: updated both my elorcan and nessian fics today woohooo :) leave a review/favorite if you enjoyed! thank you again to easkyrah for being my beta~
"I can't stay away." [Part 3]
"You come beating like moth's wings
Spastic and violently
Whipping me into a storm
Shaking me down to the core
But you run away from me
And you left me shimmering
Like diamond wedding rings
Spinning dizzily down on the floor"
- Moth's Wings (stripped down) by Passion Pit
Cassian
After visiting Nesta the previous night, Cassian had flown straight home and collapsed onto the silky red sheets of his king-sized bed, clutching his pillow like a life-raft.
Although he dozed off half a dozen times, his vivid dreams were tormented by a series of scenes – the King of Hybern smiling viciously, soldiers vanishing from the field as the Cauldron's power swept over the earth, Nesta screaming his name, the King of Hybern snapping his wings, the King of Hybern killing him, the King of Hybern killing Nesta…
Cassian resisted. He fought, even though what he saw in his mind's eye wasn't real; his reality and fears clashed and manifested into his worst nightmares. He felt sluggish, there were rocks tied to his limbs and he was sinking deeper into the water, into the unknown abyss…
Still, he struggled. I'll kill you… Don't you dare touch her, don't you dare…
Cassian's hands wrapped around the King of Hybern's neck, he could see the obsidian eyes and the gleaming teeth right in front of him. There was nothing else but inky black all around him.
And then… Nesta's face. Nesta's beautiful face replaced the king's, and instead of the mask of laughing cruelty, there was only fear laid bare.
And Cassian's hands were still around that neck, that slender and pale neck… which had turned cold, beneath his fingers.
Nesta's lifeless body lay beneath him, lacerations and bruises across her arms…
What… have I done…?
Slain soldiers lay in beds of their own making; vivid pools of red stained the ground and ran in rivers through the bloodstained fields surrounding him.
There was only blood. Cauldron save him, there was so much blood, and he couldn't stop the bleeding…
The red sheets around him were blood, and he was drowning. Drowning, drowning…
Cassian bolted upright, face and torso covered in a sheen of sweat and chest heaving as his heart hammered in his ribcage… His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he took in the familiar surroundings of his room, inhaling the familiar scents of the townhouse…
Cassian closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. He couldn't look down at that sea of redness, at his trembling hands, or he would vomit right then and there.
Just a dream… he reassured himself, still breathing fast, just a nightmare…
He lay back down to relax and stared up at the ceiling, letting his imagination form the swirls and whorls into shapes and creatures.
But exhaustion soon dragged him halfway under again, somewhere between the realms of wakefulness and sleep…
Occasionally, he swore he could hear Azriel, the Shadowsinger, whispering in his ear, Wake up, Cassian…
He could see the Illyrian crouched down next to him, a look of worry on his face.
Wake up, Cass…
Cassian…
Cassian?
He couldn't move his mouth to answer, couldn't do anything except lie there paralyzed… And when he finally wrested control of his muscles from his unconscious mind, he forced his eyes open to once again take in the undisturbed appearance of his room.
There was no one by his side. There was no one in his room, but whenever Cassian closed his eyes, he could hear voices and see forms while he lingered in limbo.
Cassian finally caught a few, precious hours of dreamless sleep just before dawn broke.
After his alarm rang at 6AM, he languished in the silken sheets of his bed longer than usual. The townhouse was near silent, save for the chirping of birds outside his windows and the faint-but-growing bustle in the city a few blocks away.
Usually, he woke to the smell of brewing coffee but today there was no familiar smell of cacao beans. From that, he inferred that Azriel had both ate out and slept out, which was rare. Unless he had somehow missed hearing Azriel come home; after all, the Shadowsinger could easily mask his presence if he wanted.
While Cassian and Az often went out to bars in the city together, they rarely slept over at a sexual partner's place to avoid forming any unnecessary attachments. Sex without emotions was just… easier. Less messy.
Before going home with women – or men – Cassian and Az would make their terms clear from the start. Just sex, with no strings attached. And if the individual wasn't looking for a casual hookup, then they'd part ways, no hard feelings. Nine times out of ten though, the individuals agreed to the terms.
So… not coming home was very unusual for Azriel. Cassian made a mental note to ask his brother what was going on at breakfast later this morning.
Just as he suspected, Azriel was already at the House of Wind when Cassian arrived. He was also surprised to see Nesta, already seated in her usual seat at the dining table. He gave her a cursory nod but that was it; the rejection from last night was still fresh in his mind, and the nightmares hadn't helped, either.
Perhaps Mor was wrong. Perhaps Nesta really did just need time and space, like he had initially convinced himself.
Cassian poured himself a glass of orange juice, morosely hoping it would jog his spirit or revive whatever was left of his soul. But the lack of sleep was taking its toll so he poured himself a steaming cup of coffee as well, mixing in just enough cream and sugar in to take the bitter edge off.
Nesta seemed to be waiting for him to speak to her, as were Azriel and Mor, who were lounging casually by a column.
But Cassian turned his attention to Mor instead, giving her a lazy grin. "So did you make it to Rita's last night?"
Mor made an exasperated face at him but started telling them a story about her night, while Azriel listened in the corner, weaving shadows between his fingers. Cassian was only half-listening to her story, although he vaguely felt like he had heard it before…
Nesta vanished shortly after Mor started chattering away, probably retreating to the library.
Neither the Morrigan nor Azriel missed it when Cassian's eyes followed Nesta out of the room, looking… torn.
Before either of them could say anything, Cassian chucked his head towards Az. "So… where were you last night?" Mor's brown eyes turned to Az's face again, but her expression was unreadable.
Az smoothly replied, "Mor and I… had a long talk last night." Mor nodded, giving a somewhat shaky smile.
Cassian instinctively took a step closer to Mor. "How'd it go?"
Az put his hands up, palms facing forward. "Relax, Cass… I slept on the couch."
Cassian's shoulders relaxed a bit as he glanced between their faces, but Mor didn't refute anything Azriel said.
"Really, it's fine, Cassian," Mor said softly. "I mean, it'll take some time for… things to go back to the way they used to be, and things may never be the same but…"
"'The truth sets us free,' remember?" Azriel quoted, smirking at Cassian.
Cassian flushed slightly as he turned on Mor. "You told him I said that?"
Mor pouted. "You flicked my nose!" Cassian rolled his eyes.
Azriel cut in. "So, what about you, brother? What are you going to do about Nesta?"
"Yeah, what are you going to do about Nesta?" Mor chimed in.
Cassian glared at both of them with annoyance, but he just sighed.
Maybe the situation could be remediated by adding a shot of alcohol to his morning coffee.
A few more days passed before once again, Cassian found himself standing before the townhouse door, unable to stay away.
This time, he knocked, and Nesta let him in. Once again, he followed her into her room, looking almost exactly the same as it had the last time he had been here.
"Is there… something I can do for you?" Cassian asked, feeling somewhat helpless.
Nesta inhaled through her nose and breathed out steadily. "Show me," she ordered him. She perched herself on the bed again.
"What?" What? He couldn't look away from her steely eyes.
"Show me… what you tried to show me before." She held him in her gaze, entrancing him, captivating him, and she burned his forced façade away. Show me, Cassian.
My only regret… is that I did not get to spend more time with you, Nesta… the words rang in his head, the words he had said to her that she was now sending back.
Cassian seized the chance with both hands and let his walls come crashing down again, eager to share with his mate through their bond…
Cassian thought she might turn away from him so he tried to glaze over his childhood, remove the visceral grief and pain he felt like a punch to the gut when the memories surfaced unexpectedly, but Nesta said in a low voice, "Don't."
He understood.
Don't sugarcoat it. Don't make assumptions about what she is strong enough to handle.
The memories flooded on.
Cassian's eyes shuttered as the walls continued to come down, and suddenly he was back on the battlefield.
Soldiers and warriors surrounded him for miles around, and it was the moment right before he heard Nesta scream in his mind. She must have been miles and miles away, but Cassian heard her, felt that tug even among all the Cauldron-caused chaos…
"I heard you." He swallowed thickly. His eyes opened, and he found hers, searching his. Her face was solemn, quiet. "I… did you tug on the… bond?"
Nesta's eyebrows raised, and her lips pressed thin. Do you have to ask? "You wouldn't be alive, otherwise."
"I know," he said quickly, "I just… Thank you. I wanted to say thank you." There was gratitude in his voice, but… he couldn't hide the guilt, not entirely.
So many soldiers lost, in one fell swoop. Thousands. And he had been right in the middle of it all, that fact had not been lost on him. He had watched it, he had yelled and screamed but his orders had not been fast enough, were nowhere near enough to fight against the Cauldron as it unleashed its power across the battlefield.
Cassian was on the battlefield. Enemy and ally soldiers alike were being cut down around him, his Siphons were sputtering, but he fought on. There was blood. So much blood. He was covered in dirt, and grime, and blood. And then, Nesta's faint voice…
Nesta's voice… He heard his name. Felt the tug, had launched himself into the air before he could change his mind, his wings beat furiously, and then the Cauldron, oh Mother save them all, the Cauldron –
"Cassian. Cassian. Cassian," Nesta's voice sharpened with each time she said his name, and Cassian finally snapped back to reality, his pupils dilating and darting around the room. "Cassian, it's okay. I'm right here. It's me, Nesta."
"Nesta," he whispered back, his hazel eyes glazed.
"Yes." He thought he detected concern, like that time she had spotted his injured wrist in the war camp.
"Are… are you okay?" she asked quietly.
His eyes closed. "What if I said no?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want an answer."
Cassian knew how Nesta championed honesty. She was of few words, but the words she had were straight to the point. What did it matter? Cassian's walls were already lowered, and he let them go. He was tired, and he was here in this safe, private space…
In a low, rough voice he said, "I… can't stop seeing them. I can't sleep. And sometimes, when exhaustion finally drags me under, I dream of them. I dream of those I couldn't save, I dream of the warriors slain around me, some of them my friends…"
He couldn't help the tears that slipped down his face then, running tracks down his tan skin. He lowered his head, tear drops spattering on the carpet. But he continued.
"I visited their families… And the whole time, I couldn't help but think, I should have been one of them. I should have been one of them."
There was a loud ringing in Cassian's ears, and he fought, mentally clawed to stay in the present. "Nesta… why did you save me?"
Why did you save me?
She watched him as he held his head in his hands, his dark, shoulder-length hair falling over his face.
"Because…" she started, slowly. Her voice simmered with restrained emotion. "Because I watched you. You were selfless. Dauntless. Willing to die." Those blue-gray eyes were blazing. "You were willing to die for… me, for us, for everyone. And you threw yourself into the heart of battle, demanding nothing less." She paused, her gaze raking through him.
"How could I stand by and do nothing, when there was something I could do?" she finished bitterly, and Cassian felt a caress against the bond. He shuddered. Careful, he had to be so careful… He was mentally exhausted, and his walls were down…
"Thank you for this second chance at life, Nesta." His voice was overcome with emotion. "I will never forget it for as long as I live."
A few heartbeats passed before she replied, her voice a hurricane of appreciation, anguish, and rage. "Thank you for coming with me." To meet the King of Hybern.
He nodded. Of course. For his mate, even if they did not have time, for her he would do no less. He would gladly meet his Death.
"You didn't have to stay with me, at the end," he said aloud. He had to make sure she knew –
"I know," her voice was edged again like a sword, and he winced. She blinked, reconsidering. Softly, she repeated. "I know. I couldn't… I couldn't."
He met her steely eyes, caught the agony within them, and just by sharing a look they understood.
"I still can't get in the bathtub without thinking of drowning," Nesta admitted, in a lethally quiet voice. She gritted her teeth. "And now, I can't close my eyes without seeing my father with the King of Hybern." Resentment and rage seeped into her tone.
"He's dead now. He got what he deserved."
"Don't you think I know that?"
Cassian fell silent as his mind sifted through all the conversations they'd ever had, as he wondered what to say next.
"Do… do you want me to help you wash? I won't… look when you don't want me to," he offered, trying not to make it sound like an invitation, but Nesta's blue-gray eyes narrowed suspiciously anyway, her back stiffening.
He swallowed. "I… used to help Mor," he admitted, wincing because he was almost sure it was the wrong thing to say, but he continued, "In the past, hundreds of years ago… She went through… episodes, after what her family had done to her…"
"Anyway… will it help you, Nesta?" he asked, meeting her eyes. The ice and frost had receded somewhat.
She blinked once, and then twice. "Maybe."
The side of his mouth quirked up and he nodded. "Okay." And then, because he was unable to resist – "I think I'm behaving pretty well so far, don't you?"
Her eyes narrowed, but there was a flicker of playfulness. A flicker of her… normal self. "Don't push it, male," Nesta purred.
Cassian grinned and leaned back, interlacing his fingers behind his head. He was pretty sure this insanely beautiful and prickly woman had bought his soul from Death itself, and he was glad she had.
a/n: next part will have smut and CassianwashingNesta'shair coughcough