A/N I am so sorry that this has taken so long but this was such a difficult chapter for me to write and I had to keep going away and coming back to it. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think!
Aunt Zee had offered to look after the kids for a few days while John and I sorted things out. The drive home was made in a semi awkward silence, despite the display of affection at the camp, we were both unsure about how to approach each other. My mind was still battling itself over what I should do, how to move forward, and the silence made the voices rage louder. On one hand I loved John. We'd been together since I was 16, nearly ten years. He was my husband, the father of my children and we had been through so much together. But then there was Michael who reminded me so much of John when he was younger. He always made time for me, is exciting and is brilliant with the kids. But did I really love him? Would it really last as anything beyond an affair? A fling?
Looking beside me, up into the face of John, I could see that he was thinking hard as well. I could only guess what was going through his head. He knew that I was seeing someone else but he didn't know who and he knew that I knew about the Russians. But were there things that I didn't know? Things that he'd done that has helped drive a wedge between us. Who was with him on those long nights that Michael was with me? Did he still truly love me?
I shook my head slightly, trying to shake the thoughts from my head as we pulled into our drive. Looking at the dark house, as John brought the car to a stop, sent a shiver down my spine. What was once our sacred family place was slowly being reduced to a house of temptations and lies. I turned to look at John and found his eyes were already on me. "Shall we go in?" he asked, his voice slightly hoarse from not speaking. I nodded, searching his face for a moment before we both opened our doors and stepped out onto the drive.
Once inside the house, we both removed our coats and went to the living room. I turned the light on so we could see as John went to the fireplace, quickly and efficiently building a fire as I went around the room lighting the dozens of candles we had. I then turned the light off, letting the light from the multiple candles and now roaring fire to light the room as I made us both a drink of whiskey. I took the bottle with me as I handed a glass to John. We paused, looking at each other for a moment before both taking a seat, him in an armchair and me on the sofa. I placed the bottle on the floor between us as I settled into the plush cushions.
I took a sip of my drink, looking over the glass at John as he took a deep breath. "You know I'm no good with words but we need to talk." he told me, trying to sound confident but I could hear the hesitancy in his voice. I nodded, placing my glass on my knee and signalling for him to start. "There's a lot that's been going on over the last few months and I know I haven't been there as much as I should've. But I trusted you, Eve. I trusted you not to go running off with some guy behind my back." he started, his voice raising in anger. "It wasn't like that, John. I never planned it. It just happened. I felt so lonely and forgotten and I know it doesn't make it right but I trusted you too, John. I trusted you to be there for me when I needed you. There for our children when they needed you." I interrupted, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice but failing.
"Don't put this on me, Evie. You made the desicion to go fuck someone else." he said, standing from his seat. "Yes, John, I did. But maybe you should think about some of your own fucking decisions over the years before you decided to come and fucking lecture me. I have put up with so much of your fucking shit. I should've ran a mile years ago!" I shouted, downing my drink. "Yeah? Well, why didn't you?" he shouted back. "I didn't get much fucking choice, did I, John? You and your fucking brothers would cut anyone that fucking looked at me." I shouted, without thinking of the meaning behind my words. His face went from angry to hurt and I realised what I said.
"I didn't mean it like that." I told him, standing. "It's alright, Eve. You didn't have a choice." he told me, dismissively. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I swear!" I replied, walking over to him. I took hold of his jacket lapel as I looked up at him. "I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else, be with anyone else." I told him as he looked down into my eyes. "I did everything I could for you, Eve." he whispered, searching my face. "I know, John. But you've got to admit that it's not just me that has brought us here." I replied, holding my body against his.
"Tommy and Arthur think I'm a fucking idiot. Can't even control my own wife." he said, taking his eyes off me and this made me take a step back. "Control? You've never been in control of me, John. I am my own person and always have been. Tommy and Arthur know that. The whole of bloody Small Heath knows that." I told him, furrowing my brow in confusion. "Oh, come on, Evie. Don't give me that wild gypsy shit. You know that the family thinks you're out of control sometimes. You know both my family and yours hoped getting married and having kids would calm ya down." he replied. "So that's what our marriage is based on? The hope that I would settle down and be a good little wife? Stay at home with the children all the time? What's the matter? I'm not good enough for you now the Shelbys are going up in the world? I don't fit into your little fucking perfect life?" I asked, disbelief in my voice as I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"You're not a teenager anymore. You're 25 and a mother to three children. You can't still be acting 16." he shouted. "Acting 16? Are you fucking joking? How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you stand there and tell me that I am acting like a child when you are the one still swanning round Birmingham like you own the fucking place and are invincible." I shouted, shaking my head at him. "I'm a Peaky fucking Blinder, I do own the place. I own whatever the fuck I want to because I'm a fucking Shelby, you hear? If it weren't for me and my family you'd be on the fucking streets." he shouted, rage in his eyes.
"Is that what you think?" I asked, dropping my voice so it was just about audible. "That I'd be nothing without your family? Have nothing?" he looked away from me. "Do you genuinely believe that?" I asked, my voice raising. "Of course I fucking don't." He shouted, bringing his eyes back to me. "I don't need your family, John, and don't you ever think that I would be nothing without them. Without you. Yes, they have helped me over the years but they've also put me in a lot of shit situations." I told him, my voice deadly. I picked the bottle of whiskey up from the floor and took a large gulp. There was a long moment of silence.
"Is it Tommy?" John asked, his voice low. "What?" I asked. "Have you been fucking Tommy?" He reiterated, speaking louder and with more anger. "No, John, I have not been fucking your brother." I replied, rolling my eyes as I took another gulp of the amber liquid. He took the bottle off me, filling his glass up before handing it back to me. "Have you ever?" He asked, sounding unsure if he wanted to know the answer. I looked at him for a long moment, searching his face and not sure what I should say. "Almost." I resigned, the fight in my voice gone. John took a large mouthful of his drink as I closed my eyes, the weight of the word around us. "When?" I opened my eyes, looking at John for a moment before sitting in the nearby armchair. "When we were young. Before the war." I told him, taking another mouthful of whiskey and mustering up the courage to continue but John interrupted.
"Before or after us?" He asked, I closed my eyes once more and I realised I was fighting back tears. "The night after I kissed Freddie, when I was staying in his room." I admitted, opening my eyes. "The night after you didn't come home. The night after you fucked Lizzie and she told me all about it with a smile." I added, the emotion coming out in my voice as my eyes watered. A moment of shock covered John's face. "You didn't know I knew." I said, giving him a sad smile. "Is that why you avoided me for weeks?" He asked, hurt in his voice. I nodded, tears streaking down my face as a decade of pain came flooding back. "There are so many things I know that you don't know about, John. Word travels quickly in Small Heath, you should know that." I told him. His face looked pained but I knew I had to continue.
"I thought the rumours would stop once we were official. I was your girl and everyone knew it. Maybe that's why they kept telling me. Trying to warn me." I said, the tears coming quicker now and my voice thickening. "I ignored them. They just didn't want us to be happy. But then Ada started telling me things and Arthur and Tommy wouldn't answer me when I asked where you were. Polly told me it was the price I'd have to pay to be with a Shelby man. Their gypsy blood gets restless, she'd tell me."
I hadn't meant to drag everything up from the past but I had to get it out. "I know everything from before the war and after, John, and I still stuck by you. Never faltered in my love for you." I told him, finally bringing my eyes up to him. He looked hurt, like he didn't know what to say. "But that's in the past now." I told him, taking a breath to calm my emotions. "And that's not what this is about." I added and he cleared his throat. "You're right, it's about the last few months." he replied, sounding unsure. I took a gulp of the whiskey and wiped the tears from my face. "You told me you forgave me, is that true?" I asked, my voice now level. "When was the last time you saw him?" he asked, his voice low but there was no anger.
"Before I went to stay with the Lees. I told him it was over and to leave me alone." I told him, truthfully. "Where do we go from here?" he asked and I was unsure. "I think we have a few options. We can put all this behind us and move on, we can see this job through then go our separate ways or I can take the kids and leave tonight." I replied, my voice hitching at the thought that this could be the end of us. John and I looked at each other for a moment before he crumbled, crossing the room and falling to his knees in front of me. He discarded his glass, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my lap. "I can't be without you, Evie. I can't." he admitted into my skirts and I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Don't leave me." he whispered. "I won't. I promise." I whispered leaning down to kiss the back of his head as the tears started flowing down my face once more. "I love you, John Shelby." I added as he squeezed me closer to him. "I love you, Evelyn." he replied, pulling me so I was on the edge of the seat and his head was now against mine. We watched each other for a few moments, the love for eachother and the pain of being so distant pouring out of us. "Take me to bed." I whispered after a long silence. "Please." I added before he pressed his lips to mine.