A/N: Sorry for the long delay, all. Thanks to quarantine this story is done, just being edited. I'll post one chapter a night for the next few days til it's done. Hope everyone is staying safe!
Chapter 7: In Which Bella Freaks Out
Home life had never been great for Paul. Phasing hadn't made things any better. There wasn't much furniture to begin with, but now there was even less after a few things got destroyed by his inability to control himself at first. This had never really bothered Paul. Until now. As they stepped inside, he was suddenly aware of how shabby it all looked. Not that Charlie Swan's house was a palace, but he at least had a few curtains. And chairs. And a table.
Paul had a couch, bed, dresser, and tv. Bella had never been inside his house before. She'd been outside a bunch of times, but this felt...like a new level of trust with Paul. She caught the unsettled look on his face, "Hey, is that couch as comfortable as it looks?" she asked, flopping down on it. "Ohhhhh, Paul!" she sighed. "This is so comfy."
"I think you mean so old," Paul mumbled.
"It's perfect," she nodded. "Now. What's first tonight?"
Paul looked at Bella for a long moment. This girl he found himself caring for so much who took all of his messed up crap in stride and was her own kind of feisty. He found himself wanting to scoop her up again to cuddle her close. And then he shook his head. What the hell was going on with him? Paul Lahote was NOT a cuddler!
Well, except in the last 24 hours. With her. But that was different.
He shrugged. Bella rolled her eyes and opened his backpack. "Let's start with history. Don't you have a paper due this week?"
Bella found herself not wanting to go to the Black's house. She wished she could stay here instead. It felt safe. And she could be quiet with Paul. They seemed to do a fair amount of communicating without speech. Hearing from the Cullens earlier had made her go icy inside. Time around the pack had helped, but she was still feeling a little numb from it all.
"Why do you do that?" Paul asked.
"Do what?" Bella startled.
"Wrap your arms around your middle. Grab your wrist?" he asked. Not angry or hurt like Jake when he once asked the same question, just curious and with a knowing look. Jake took it personally that she wasn't whole. As if her damage meant he hadn't fixed her well enough yet. That boy liked to fix more than just cars.
"I think you probably know why, Paul," she said softly, looking away.
"I know what Jake thinks of it. But I wanna hear it from you."
Bella felt naked. She shouldn't. It was nothing to be ashamed of. Just history. But she felt slightly jittery, so she stood up. "I'm going to make food."
"Good luck," he scoffed.
"You have any commodity cheese left?" she asked. She found a little in the fridge. And some bacon grease in a cardboard frozen juice container. On the counter there were several bread bags that had only a stale heel sniffed and tossed out the couple that had gone moldy and tore up the rest. While she cooked, she talked.
"I was bit by a particularly sadistic vampire named James. Fortunately, Edward sucked the venom out before it got to my heart. The scar there is still cold. Like them. I think I touch it to remind myself that was almost me. Also, sometimes it burns like IcyHot. I think it's possible there's a trace amount of venom still there."
"They hurt you badly that night," Paul growled.
"James hurt me. Broke my leg. Lots of shattered glass when I got thrown into a mirror. Then the bite. I can't even describe that pain." Bella shuddered with the memory. "Afterwards, I watched as the Cullens literally tore him to pieces. And it makes me sick now, but I was glad they did. Vampire venom hurts like a mother."
She fried the torn bread up in the grease as she talked. Her voice was strangely monotone. Paul didn't like it.
"My arms wrapped around is me holding myself together. After...after they all left me I didn't cope well. I'm sure you remember. You were part of the search party. You saw what Sam found. I didn't get much better for months. It was cruel what they did, or at least how they did it. I see that now. But at the time it was me. I felt so useless. Unworthy. When I finally started to function again, I felt hollow. Just a worthless shell. And I was reminded of how unimportant and troublesome I was at every turn by all but 2 people."
Paul froze. That's what she was feeling when he'd started calling her names. When he'd hated her and everything she represented. Oh, God. He was part of why she held herself together. He'd hurt her over and over and over again. For fun. He was supposed to protect people and eliminate vampires. That was the job. Or calling. Or whatever it was. Instead he'd been openly tearing at her emotional wounds.
"Sorry," Bella smirked. "I didn't mean to bore you with this. I need to learn to be more succinct in my explanations."
"I asked you a question. Don't apologize," he snapped. "But, who were the two people?" he asked in an effort to keep her from retreating into memories.
"Hm?" she asked looking up from the pan. "Oh, my Dad and Jacob. They refused to give up on me. And cheered every step I took back into life."
Friggin' Jacob Black.
"Ow!" Bella yelped and pulled her finger away from the stove to suck on.
"Dammit, Swan!" he said as he grabbed her hand and put it under the cold water pouring from the faucet he'd quickly turned on. He immediately regretted his outburst when he saw her flinch and shrink.
"My klutziness strikes again. I'm fine, Paul. I do this all the time," she tried to take her hand back, but Paul wouldn't let her. "It's still too hot," he grouched, examining the burn.
"I'll be fine," she chuckled. "Seriously. I injure myself a lot."
Paul finally turned off the water, dried her hand on the hem of his t-shirt, and looked at it again. Without thinking about what he was doing, he brought her finger to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on it.
Bella's heart melted right then and there. She hadn't known Paul could be tender. But he had been exactly that with her a lot in the last couple of days.
"Thank you, Paul. For everything. You are such a good man."
And with that Bella turned back to the stove to put cheese all over the now fried bread and stuck it under the broiler.
"What else happened, Bella? I know bad shit went down when you went to Italy. You came back different."
He watched her shoulders tense. Then she took a deep breath and turned to him with a funny look in her eyes. "Do you have any wine?"
Paul laughed and then saw her face. "Oh. You're serious. Bella, do I look like I have wine? I don't even have a table."
"I've never talked about it. Not even to Jake. I've also never had a drink. But I think it might help. I don't know if I can talk about it without feeling...like I don't care."
"You're safe here, Bella. There's a whole pack of wolves protecting you."
He'd meant the words to be comforting, but Bella seemed to retreat inwards and scowled. "The pack is for protecting all humans. And members of the tribe should come first. Innocent people should," she said fiercely. "Paul, I know you've thought it. It's my fault you changed! My fault the vamps stayed! My fault they're coming back! It's my fault. You were right all those months ago. I don't deserve the protection of the pack. If I'm dead, they'll go. They'll ALL go! And nobody new will phase. Hopefully the next generation, too. I'll work it out with Carlisle tomorrow night. That they have to stay away from here forever. Treaty or no."
Paul was at a loss. He was sure any one of the other guys would know what to do. He saw her shaking a little. She was angry or scared or maybe both. Feelings weren't really his thing.
"The food is done. I'm gonna go," she said, pulling the pan out of the oven. But there was something reckless about the way she said it.
"No," Paul said quickly. "I don't know where you got this whole pile of horseshit for ideas, Bella. But you're not going. Because with that little outburst, I have to wonder if you're not going to try to sneak right back over to the vamps like you have some kind of deathwish."
She flinched and he knew he'd been right. She was really shaking now. He smelled the tears before he saw them. But he didn't go to her right away. He was pissed that she'd thought about going to them. Even if he could see her logic.
"I just don't want anyone else to die because of me," she spat and wiped her tears angrily.
"Nobody is dead because of you, Bella!" Paul shouted. "And, yeah, most of the guys aren't thrilled with being wolves. I don't mind that much, but you're right I blamed you. I couldn't understand how you could screw our mortal enemy, an undead guy, and my wolf was disgusted by it."
"Your wolf thinks I'm disgusting?" Bella asked, horrified. "I'm sorry. I'll go. I didn't realize. You must hate me here messing with the smell."
She ran to the couch and started gathering her books. Tears were falling as she did it. How the hell had this night gone like this? Paul was bewildered. But he also recognized her abrupt mood changes as flailing. Anger was better than falling apart. At least that's how it felt to him. Bella's anger was always directed at herself first, though, and that scared him.
"Bella, will you please stop?! Just sit down!"
"No!" she yelled. "I've been forcing you to be around me. And it was hurting you! Where's my damn Bio book?" she got down on the floor to look under the couch.
Paul was growling now.
"I know! You can stop growling. I'm leaving!"
"Oh, FF's sake!," he grumbled and picked her up, threw her over his shoulder, marched back to his bedroom, and dropped her onto the mattress on the floor that served as a bed. Then he closed the door. It was dark, so he knew she couldn't see.
"What the hell are you doing, Paul!? I was trying to go!" Bella yelled.
"I don't want you to go!" he yelled back.
"That doesn't make any sense!" she yelled. "Your wolf doesn't like me, doesn't want to be around me," she said in a quieter voice. And there was the root of it, Paul thought. Bella, more than anything, wanted to be wanted. Well, he wanted plenty...he just wasn't sure how to go about explaining that to her.
"Bella, I said he was disgusted that you'd had sex with our mortal enemy, not that he didn't like you," Paul said exasperatedly.
"But you said-"
"I know what I said. But you started feeding us. And taking care of us. And after a while he didn't care anymore."
She slumped back on the bed from where she'd been kneeling just moments before. "Your wolf is a misogynistic ass."
Paul burst out laughing. "Yeah. I guess he is."
"I didn't, you know," she said.
"Didn't what?"
"Have sex with Edward. We never did more than kiss and cuddle. It was always very chaste. He had very old fashioned ideas. And...he was worried if he let his control slip, he might drain me."
At first Paul was horrified. "You thought that was sexy?"
But then what she'd said had both Paul and his wolf suddenly paying attention to this. "Have you ever?" he asked.
She shook her head no. She knew he could see her in the dark better than she could see him.
"FYI. If cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right," Paul snarked.
Bella laughed. "Ooo, a Logan line. I'm impressed you're branching out like that." She looked down at the bed. "So your wolf is ok with me now?"
"We've spent every night together for months, Bella. Do you think I would've done that if half of me was trying to get away?"
She nodded. "I suppose that's true. Sorry...I'm just not being very rational right now." She covered her face with her hands as if to try to emotionally reset.
"S'okay. I get it. But I need you to cut out this martyr shit, ok? We protect you because you're ours."
"I thought I was a stupid paleface," she smirked, as she removed her hands from her face. But Paul knew now that she'd internalized all his insults and it made him cringe to hear it thrown back at him.
"You are pale. And you're not usually stupid. But if you go intentionally putting yourself in harm's way when the rest of us are busting our asses to keep you alive, then you are stupid."
Bella was quiet for a moment. "That's fair," she finally said. Then flopped back on the bed and sighed. "I'm so damn tired."
Paul wanted to curl himself around her. But he was beginning to realize he wanted more than that. "Go to sleep. I'll call Baby Alpha to come sit with you while I patrol."
Bella hesitated for a moment. "But then you'll come back?" she asked in a small voice.
Again, Paul felt his heart clench at the words. "As soon as I can," he replied suddenly hoarse.
"Good," she said and rolled on to her side.
He wasn't sure if he should, but he moved to the small bed and tucked the covers all around her. Then kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and opened her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered and looked directly into his dark eyes. Neither one of them spoke. Just looked at each other. Paul wasn't sure how, but he realized that his face was getting closer and closer to this beautiful female in his bed.
Bella realized it, too. She had never kissed anyone besides Edward, so she was certain she was terrible at it, but she wanted this man. This kind, beautiful man. She barely clenched her stomach muscles to sit up and placed a soft, innocent kiss on his lips. It was a kiss that asked a shy question, but also spoke of a decision made.
Something in Paul snapped as soon as her lips broke contact. He scooped her up in his arms and began to devour her mouth with hot, exploring kisses. Bella gasped in surprise at first, but matched his want with her own body just fine. His warmth was everywhere! Hands sliding along her back, lips on her mouth, hot open mouthed kisses on her neck that made her moan. And then suddenly Paul was up and across the room.
Bella was confused. She thought it had been okay. "I'm sorry…" she stammered. "I shouldn't have...I can go. I didn't mean to make things weird." He heard her mutter to herself, "I guess wolves and vampires have something else in common. Always jumping away when I start to enjoy myself."
Paul looked at the slight, pale woman in his bed. Her hair was mussed, lips a little puffy from kissing, and he was guessing that she was going to have beard rash since he hadn't shaved in a while. "Don't go. Stay. Please," he said with a slightly desperate edge to his voice.
Bella was confused. If he wanted her...and wanted her to stay, why was he over there? But he dropped his voice into the sexiest register she'd ever heard and said it again, "Bella, please stay." He was looking at her in a way nobody had ever looked at her before and she felt a rush of dampness between her legs.
She saw Paul inhale and level a gaze at her again. She hadn't thought the previous gaze could get more intense, but she'd been wrong. Her body felt alive right now. Ripe. She was doing this to him… And she found she really liked that.
"Bella. I really, really don't want to leave you. But I need to go run patrol. I'll sleep on the couch when I get back. Because if I crawl into bed with you tonight, there will be more than cuddling. And I'm not sure you're ready for that. But I won't make those decisions for you. So...I'll be on the couch."
Bella's jaw actually dropped a little. "Oh!"
"I'll go call Jacob. Someone will be here with you tonight, but they're not allowed in this room. Or this bed." He inhaled one more time. Then closed the door.
Bella blinked in the darkness. Then flopped back on the pillow again. This night had been a whirlwind. She needed to be smart. But her hormones were pretty much only saying, "Jump that man!"