Chapter 2: Tourist Trapped
It was morning and all the Gravity Falls characters had just woken up, and Vanna's voice came over the previously unnoticed intercom.
"Good Morning everyone, please get dressed and meet me in the hallway and I will lead you to the dining room for breakfast, I made chocolate chip waffles!"
When everyone made it out into the hall sure enough there was Vanna.
"Alright looks like everyone's here! Follow me hot waffles straight ahead!"
At the second mention of waffles everyone felt hungry and without another word they hurried off with Vanna towards the dining room and upon reaching their destination they saw plates of warm chocolate chip waffle waiting just as Vanna had promised, they hurried over and sat at the tables, Dipper and Mabel sat next to each other of course and Pacifica sat next to Mabel, Dipper was the first to speak.
"Hey Mabel you look a little tired because we weren't in the same room last night?"
Mabel yawns. "No bro-bro it's all good Pacifica and I were just up late last night talking and braiding each other's hair, let me tell you none of her hair is extensions her hair really is that thick! it's amazing!"
Pacifica then spoke up "Can confirm, that totally happened and your sister is cooler than I thought."
"Woah! I never thought I'd see the day when you two got to be friends, the world must be ending!"
The trio let out a laugh at Dipper's joke and Pacifica couldn't be happier even if she could feel her parents burning a hole in the back of her head with their disappointed stares.
Little did Pacifica know that Vanna,Dipper,Mabel, Candy, and Grenda saw the elder Northwest's glares and were glaring right back at them.
Then Vanna realized "Oh yeah I forgot him" and materialized a bubble containing Bill Cipher, who had to be contained earlier.
Vanna spoke to Bill, "Now Bill I took away ALL of your powers except for levitation and now I'm going to let you out."
Vanna then popped the bubble releasing Bill, "Now go eat your waffles."
"I don't know if you noticed lady but uh... no mouth."
"Oh right! Nearly forgot." Vanna then ran her finger in a line below Bill's eye and in that spot a new mouth opened up."
"Woah! That's some powerful magic there altering my form like that! Wanna make a deal."
"Pardon my language but no way in HELL! Now go sit your triangle butt down here next to me and enjoy your damn waffles."
After everyone was done breakfast they all were led to Vanna's big theater room, where upon entering they all packed into the seats.
"Is everyone settled in?"
There was a resounding yes from everyone, and Vanna pulled something out from behind her back, it was... the truth teeth!
"EVIL, EVIL TEETH!" Mabel yelled.
"Calm down, dear!, yes it's the truth teeth but I've altered them a bit, instead of making you say random truths aloud it simply forces you to admit when you lie."
"Well I guess that's not so bad... but Vanna will this hurt at all?"
"Oh goodness no, dear! I'm no monster."
"And another thing" Vanna then splits the teeth into several necklaces, everyone will have to wear the tooth necklace."
Ford then spoke up "If I may interject Vanna, why do all of us need to wear the truth teeth necklaces?"
Ford then side eyes Bill, "I want everyone to be on equal ground which means no one lies, do you think that is fair Ford?"
"I suppose." Ford begrudgingly said
"Good! Then let's begin."
Vanna takes out a small remote and presses play and the screen comes to life.
The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Dipper starts to narrate.
Dipper Pines: (Narrating) Ah, summer break.
The camera pans to Hank grilling burgers while Shmipper and Smabble are running around and laughing beside him. Others sit at a picnic table.
Hank: So you want cheese on that, hon?
Hank's wife : Sure, Hank.
Dipper: A time for leisure, recreation, and takin 'er easy.
The camera stops at the "Welcome to Gravity Falls" sign.
Dipper: Unless you're me.
Mabel and Dipper Pines crash through the "Welcome to Gravity Falls" sign with the Mystery Cart, screaming. They are being chased by an unknown monster, which is knocking down trees.
Stanley: Oh my god what is that
Vanna: You'll find out, and don't worry the kids will be fine this was 6around when they first got to Gravity Falls so this event has long
Mabel Pines: (Looks back) It's getting closer!
The monster tries to catch the cart but just falls short. The cart flies off a rock and lands roughly.
Stanley: Still I gotta know, did you kids get hurt with ugly there chasin' ya?
Dipper: I'm personally unscaved, what about you Mabel?
Mabel: Don't worry guys I'm fine!
Dipper: My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.
Dipper: I don't remember narrating or even thinking any of this.
Vanna: That's because you didn't, remember what I said about your time in Gravity Falls being a tv show, well this is just some tv magic cooked up by the folks at Disney!"
The monster throws a tree in their path.
Mabel: Look out!
The image freezes with Mabel and Dipper screaming as they run into the screen.
Dipper Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
Cut to theme song.
Vanna: Sweet! the theme song, even though it's canonically lyric-less I still love it because that means I can make my own lyrics."
Cut back to Dipper and Mabel in the golf cart.
Dipper: Let's rewind. (Flashback to Dipper and Mabel in their living room at home) It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air.
Their parents take their stuff away, give them bags and put some sunscreen on their noses.
Vanna: Y'know it may be lame of me to say this but I think your parents were right, a small bit of indoor time is ok but you should take some time to be outside, (granted not during a pandemic stay safe)
Mabel: That is lame, but I can forgive Mom & Dad for sending us to Gravity Falls since we've had so many cool adventures!
Cut to a map of Oregon. Zoom in to Gravity Falls.
Dipper: (Narrating) They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay at our great-uncle's place in the woods.
Cut to Mabel in the attic hanging up: posters.
Mabel: This attic is amazing. Check out all my splinters! (Holds up hands, which have gigantic splinters sticking out of them)
Vanna: Ouch! Mabel you should really be more careful in the attic you could get hurt.
Mabel: Ok I promise to be more careful.
Vanna: As for you Stanley I would like you to take better safety precautions so the kids won't get hurt.
Stanley: Fine…
Dipper: (Backs up into his bed, which Gompers is on; not narrating) And there's a goat on my bed.
Vanna: Stanley… There should NOT be a goat on your grandnephew's bed, How did it even get in the house?
Stanley: I have no idea how that thing got in the house or that it was in the house then to be honest.
Vanna: Weird, Maybe it's paranormal?
Dipper: In that case I have to study it!
Mabel: Hey, friend. (Holds out her arm, and Gompers chews on her sleeve) Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater. (Laughs)
Vanna: Mabel you shouldn't let animals chew on your sweaters, one you don't know where the animal has been, second I know you knitted that sweater yourself and that takes time and skill, third the animal can choke on the sweater.
Dipper: (Narrating) My sister tended to look on the bright side of things.
Cut to Mabel rolling down a hill of grass.
Mabel: Yay! Grass!
A woodpecker pecks on Dipper's hat.
Dipper (Narrating) But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings.
Stan Pines (Jumps out at him wearing a mask) Boo!
Dipper: (Not narrating) Ah! (Falls over)
Stan (Takes his mask off) Ahahahaha! Hahaha!
Vanna: Stanley! That was funny, but it was rude!
Dipper (Narrating) And then there was our Great Uncle Stan. (As Stan slaps his knee) That guy.
Stan: (Coughs several times and hits his chest) It was worth it.
Cut to Stan leading tourists through the Mystery Shack.
Dipper: (Narrating) Our uncle had transformed his house into a tourist trap he called "The Mystery Shack." The real mystery was why anyone came.
The Jackalope's antler breaks off.
Stan Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Sascrotch!
Cut to a Sasquatch wearing underwear. Tourists start speaking excitedly, and snap pictures. Cut to Dipper sweeping the wooden floor with a broom. Mabel is looking at stuff.
Dipper: (Narrating) And guess who had to work there. (Not narrating; sighs)
Mabel: Ooh! (Reaches for large eyeball)
Stan (Slaps her hand with his 8-ball cane) No touching the merchandise!
Vanna: Stanley you shouldn't slap your grandniece!
Stanley: Yeash! Your pushy lady.
Vanna: Sorry for losing my cool, Stanley I just care a lot.
Stanley: It's cool, I can get behind that.
Cut to Soos driving the Mystery Cart to the Mystery Shack.
Dipper: (Narrating) It looked like it was gonna be the same, boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day...
Cut to Mabel peeking through Stan-bobbleheads.
Vanna:Oh my…
Mabel: He's looking at it! He's looking at it!
Mable: What? it's just me trying to get the attention of a cutie.
Cut to a boy looking at Mabel's note.
Boy Uh.. (Reading note) Do you like me? Yes? Definitely? Absolutely! (Looks around)
Vanna: Exactly Mabel. I think twelve is too young to be dating, you have all your life to find a soulmate but now isn't the time.
Mabel: Well when is the time?
Vanna: Truth be told there is no real time to start looking for a soulmate but I think you will find as you get older and more mature you'll find the right time and person to spend that time naturally, all I'm saying is that soulmates don't come from forced conversation they come from a place of comfort and understanding.
Mabel: Wow! I've never had love been explained to me like that before, thank you for telling me Vanna maybe I will try later in life.
Vanna:So, wanna laugh at your failed romances?
Mabel: Let's!
Mabel: I rigged it!
Dipper: Hey, Vanna thanks for being so gentle on Mabel, I think a calm rational explanation was just what she needed.
Dipper: (Spraying a jar with water and wiping it; not narrating) Mabel, I know you're going through your whole "Boy Crazy" phase, but I think you're kind of overdoing it with the "crazy" part.
Mabel: What? (Blows raspberry) Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home! It's my big chance to have an epic summer romance!
Dipper: Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet?
Flashback to Mabel with a boy near a greeting cards display.
Mabel: My name is Mabel, but you can call me "The girl of your dreams." I'M JOKING! (Shoves him into the display) Ha ha ha ha ha!
Flashback to a boy holding a turtle on a bench.
Mabel: (Jumps up behind him) Oh my gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles too! What is happening here?
Flashback to the inside of a mattress store.
Mattress King: Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince's kingdom of savings!
Mabel: (Hiding behind a set of colorful balloons; pops out head and whispers) Take me with you...
Mattress King: Ah! (Cowers away from Mabel and drops scepter)
Cut back to the present.
Mabel: Woah! Was I really that boy crazy!
Vanna: Oh big time.
Mabel: Mock all you want, brother, but I got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.
Stan: (Walks through the door and burps, but it gets caught in his throat) Oh! Oh, not good. Ow.
Mabel: Aww! Why!
Dipper: Ha ha ha!
Stan: All right, all right, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.
Dipper: (Quickly) Not it!
Mabel (Quickly) Not it!
Soos: Uh, also not it.
Soos: Hey dudes it's me!
The mystery twins, Wendy, and Vanna all chant " Soos, Soos,Soos!"
Stan: Nobody asked you, Soos.
Soos: I know, and I'm comfortable with that. (Eats chocolate bar)
Stan: Wendy, I need you to put up this sign!
Wendy: (Pretends to reach for signs) I would, but I, ugh, can't, ugh, reach it, ugh...
Vanna: Not to nitpick but it probably wouldn't have taken too long to put the signs up, Wendy.
Wendy: Yeah probs, I know I should have done my job.
Vanna: I'm glad you understand.
Stan: I'd fire all of you if I could. All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, miney... (Points at Dipper) you.
Vanna: So why'd you pick Dipper to do the job?
Stanley: I dunno seemed like he was capable of nailing some signs up.
Dipper: Aw, what? Grunkle Stan, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm being watched.
Vanna: Wouldn't be surprised if you were to be honest.
Stan: Ugh, this again.
Dipper: I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE."
Stan: (Looks at Dipper's arm) That says "BEWARB." (Dipper scratches his arm)
Vanna: I think those mosquitos were trying to spell beware, maybe they are dislexic.
Look, kid. The whole "monsters in the forest" thing is just local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that.
A fat, sweaty man laughs while looking at a Stan-bobblehead's head bobble.
Stan: So quit being so paranoid! (Gives Dipper the signs; Dipper sighs)
Cut to a foggy forest with trees getting blown by the wind.
Vanna: You shouldn't send Dipper alone in the woods, there are bears and many paranormal entities that could easily hurt or kill him and you know this because you know that the paranormal is real, as the twin's caretaker for the summer you should be more concerned for their health and safety.
Dipper: Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say. (Puts one sign up on a tree that says "To The Mystery Shack." He starts to hammer a nail on another tree trunk, but it makes a metallic sound. He taps the tree with the hammer, which makes more metallic sounds. He wipes away some dust and opens a secret window revealing a mechanical box with two control switches on top. He tests one control but nothing happens. Then he tries the other. Behind him, a hole opens up in the ground. Gompers bleats and runs away.) What the? (Looks inside the hole, and there is a book. He picks the book up and places it on the ground, and checks for people watching. He flips one page and an eye-glass is in it. He looks at the eye-glass and puts it down. He flips another page, and begins reading aloud) "It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon." (Flips through pages) What is all this? (Stops at a page that says "TRUST NO ONE" and starts reading) "Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust." (Closes Journal) No one you can trust...
The Gravity Falls citizens are silent in awe.
Mabel: (Jumps up behind a log) HALLO!
Dipper: AH!
Mabel: What'cha readin', some nerd thing?
Dipper: (Hides journal behind back) Uh, uh, it's nothing!
Mabel: (Imitating Dipper) "Uh, uh, it's nothing!" (Laughs) What? Are you actually not gonna show me?
Gompers: (Nibbles the edge of the journal)
Dipper: Uhhh... (Glances at Gompers) Let's go somewhere private.
Cut to a view of the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel are in the living room.
Dipper: It's amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side. (Shows Mabel a page)
Vanna: Not necessarily always dark, perhaps simply just hidden.
Mabel: Whoa! Shut. Up! (Pushes Dipper)
Vanna: Mabel promise not to push your brother that's rude.
Mabel: I'm sorry I promise not to push Dipper.
Vanna: I'm not the one to apologize to.
Mabel turns to Dipper.
Mabel: I'm sorry for pushing you Dipper, I admit it was rude of me.
Dipper: I'm just glad you finally apologized.
Dipper: And get this! After a certain point, the pages just.. stop, like the guy who was writing it... mysteriously disappeared. (Doorbell rings) Who's that?
Mabel: Well, time to spill the beans. (Knocks over a can of beans on the table) Boop. Beans. This girl's got a date! Woot woot! (Falls backward into the chair, giggling)
Mabel: Oh no! Not the Norman incident.
Vanna: Oh I know! So cringe!
Dipper: Let me get this straight: in the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?
Mabel: What can I say? I guess I'm just IRRESISTIBLLLLE! (Doorbell rings twice) Oh. Coming! (Runs out)
Dipper: (Sits down in chair and begins to read the Journal)
Stan: (Walks in and sees Dipper) What'cha reading there, slick?
Dipper: Oh! (Throws the book under the seat cushion and grabs a magazine) I was just catching up on, uh... (Sees the cover of the magazine) Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine?
Stan: That's a good issue.
Stan: I was wondering why he was reading that, Dipper doesn't look like a gold chain kinda guy.
Mabel: (Standing next to Norman) Hey, family! Say hello to my new boyfriend!
Norman: 'Sup?
Dipper: Hey...
Stan: How's it hanging?
Mabel: We met at the cemetery. He's really deep. (Feels his arm) Oh. Little muscle there. That's...what a surprise...
Dipper: So, what's your name?
Norman: Uh. Normal... MAN!
Mabel: He means Norman.
Dipper: Are you bleeding, Norman?
Norman: (With a red liquid dripping down his face) It's jam.
Mabel: (Gasps) I love jam! Look. At. This!
Mabel: Wow did I really think jam was an emotional connection between us?
Norman: So, you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?
Mabel: Oh, oh, my goodness. (Giggles) Don't wait up! (Runs out)
Norman: (Points at Stan and Dipper and runs into the wall several times on his way out)
Dipper: (Narrating) There was something about Norman that wasn't right. I decided to consult the journal.
Cuts to Dipper in the attic.
Dipper: (Reading aloud from Journal) Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for... teenagers?! Beware Gravity Falls's nefarious... (Gasps)
We see the journal page on The Undead. The picture of the zombie becomes Norman.
Norman: (As the zombie on the journal page) 'Sup.
Dipper: ZOMBIE!
Vanna: To be fair that does sound like a plausible deduction given what you saw of " Norman" at the time.
Dipper: Thanks
Dipper felt the warm feeling of justification wash over him and he felt heard and seen.
Cut to Stan in the bathroom.
Stan Somebody say "crombie"? What is that, crombie? That's not even a word. You're losing your mind.
Dipper looks out the window to see Norman walking towards Mabel with outstretched arms while moaning.
Robbie: I can't believe I'm saying this but Vanna how is Dipper not right? This " Norman" has zombie written all over him.
Vanna: Oh, you'll see
Mabel: I like you.
Dipper: Oh, no! Mabel! No, no, Mabel, watch out!
Norman: Huh, huh! (Puts hands around Mabel's neck)
Dipper: AHHHHH!
Norman: (Removes arms, revealing flower necklace) Huhhh!
Mabel: (Gasps) Daisies? You scallywag...
Dipper: Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts?
Soos: (Screwing in a lightbulb) It's a dilemma, to be sure. (Dipper gasps) I couldn't help but overhear you talkin' aloud to yourself in this empty room.
Dipper: Soos, you've seen Mabel's boyfriend. He's gotta be a zombie, right?
Soos: Hmm. How many brains didja see the guy eat?
Dipper (Looks down) Zero.
Soos Look, dude, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude's a werewolf.
Flashback of a hairy mailman walking by Soos, who is eating his lunch outside. Soos scoots away from him, suspicious.
Everyone in the theater looked at the mailman and he shunk under their gaze.
Soos But ya gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you're a major league cuckoo clock.
Vanna: It's all too true, proof can make or break any argument, that's why I admire you Dipper you look for facts and solutions.
Dipper: As always, Soos, you're right.
Soos: My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse.
Stan: (Shouting offscreen) Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!
Soos: I am needed elsewhere. (Backs out)
Dipper: (Narrating) My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence.
Cut to Dipper filming Mabel and Norman in the park.
Vanna: Recording "Norman" was very smart, Dipper you could be a good detective one day.
Mabel: (Throws a Frisbee at Norman, who fails to catch it and falls over)
Dipper: (Stops looking through camera and frowns at Norman)
Cut to Norman breaking through a door window to open it from the inside and letting Mabel inside the diner.
Norman: (Stumbles around and crashes, trying to follow Mabel)
Dipper: (Looks out from behind menu)
Cut to Mabel and Norman frolicking in a field.
Norman: (Falls into an open grave, then crawls out, hand first, screaming)
Mabel and Norman (Pause, then laugh)
Dipper (Narrating) I'd seen enough.
Cut to Mabel and Dipper's room. Mabel is brushing her hair and Dipper enters.
Dipper: (Not Narrating) Mabel. We've gotta talk about Norman.
Mabel: Isn't he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me! (Shows her cheek, which has a red spot on it)
Dipper: Ah!
Mabel: Ha, ha! Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower!
Flashback to Mabel with a leaf blower.
Mabel: (Putting a picture of Norman on leaf blower's tube) Kissing practice! (Leans in to leaf blower, but then it sucks in the picture and sticks to her face as well; she runs around) AHHH! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Cut back to present.
Mabel That was fun.
Vanna: No it wasn't, Mabel you could have suffocated yourself.
Mabel: I already promised I wouldn't do stuff like that anymore. Why do you keep pointing it out?
Vanna: I wish for you to understand how what you do may be considered dangerous.
Dipper: No, Mabel, listen! I'm trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems! (Shows her the Journal)
Mabel: (Gasps) You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!
Dipper: Guess again, sister. SHA-BAM! (Holds book open to the Gnomes page)
Vanna,Dipper,and Mabel try to hold back their laughter.
Mabel: Agh!
Dipper: Oh, wait. I'm-I'm sorry... (Flips to Undead page) Sha-bam!
Mabel: A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
Vanna: He wasn't trying to be funny, he was only trying to protect you because you're his sister and he cares about you.
Dipper: I'm not joking! It all adds up: the bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Mabel: Maybe he's blinking when you're blinking.
Dipper: Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? Trust no one!
Mabel: Well, what about me, huh? Why can't you trust me? (Puts on star earrings) Beep bop!
Dipper: Mabel, (shaking her) he's gonna eat your brain!
Mabel (Pushes him away) Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at five o'clock, and I'm gonna be ADORABLE, and he's gonna be DREAMY, (pushing Dipper out of the room)
Mabel: I was such a jerk…
Mabel hangs her head in shame but then Vanna tilts her tearful face upwards so she can gaze into her eyes.
Vanna: My darling Mabel, it's quite alright the fact that you feel remorse for your actions shows you care about being better.
Mabel softley smiled through her tears but remained silent
Dipper: Bu-bu-but—
Mabel: And I am not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy CONSPIRACIES! (Slams the door)
Dipper (Sighs and sits down) What am I gonna do?
Cut to the clock, which tells the time at 5:00. The doorbell rings.
Mabel: (Pulls on her sweater as she races downstairs) Coming! (Sees Norman) Hey, Norman. How do I look?
Norma: Shiny...
Mabel: You always know what to say! (Walks off with him)
Dipper :(Watching the video he collected) Soos was right. I don't have any real evidence. (Video shows Mabel teaching Norman hopscotch, but he only falls over; Dipper fast forwards to Mabel and Norman with Norman's arm around Mabel) I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and— (on the tape, Norman's hand falls off; he glances around, then reattaches it) Wait, WHAT?! (Rewinds the tape and watches it again; he screams and tips the chair backwards) I was right! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! (Races outside) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
Stan: (On a stage in front of a bunch of tourists; to the crowd:) And here we have Rock that looks like a face rock: the rock that looks like a face.
Unnamed hillbilly: Does it look like a rock?
Stan: No, it looks like a face.
Fat Tourist: Is it a face?
Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face!
Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan!
Stan: For the fifth time! It's-it's not an actual face!
Dipper: Errrgh!
Cut to Mabel and Norman in the woods.
Mabel: Finally, we're alone.
Norman: Yes. Alone...
Cut back to the Mystery Shack.
Dipper: Stan! Stan! (Sees Wendy drive up in a golf cart and runs over) Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from a zombie!
Wendy: (Gives Dipper the key and walks off) Try not to hit any pedestrians.
Dipper: (Gets in and starts to drive, but Soos stops him)
Soos: Dude, it's me: Soos. This is for the zombies. (Gives Dipper a shovel)
Dipper: Thanks.
Soos: (Holds up a baseball bat) And this is in case you see a piñata.
Vanna: Why couldn't Dipper use the shovel if he did find a piñata?
Soos: Dirt in the candy, dawg.
Vanna: Oohh! Ok that makes sense.
Dipper: (Takes the bat) Uh... Thanks? (Drives off)
Soos: Better safe than sorry!
Cut back to the woods.
Norman: Uh, Mabel, now that we've gotten to know each other, there's... (exhales) ...there's something I should tell you.
Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (Thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!
Norman: All right, just... just don't freak out, okay? Just... just keep an open mind, be cool! (Unzips his coat and throws it off; underneath are five gnomes standing on top of each other. The top gnome speaks)
Jeff: Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?
Mabel: (Stares at the gnomes in total shock)
Vanna: Creepy.
Jeff: R-r-right, I'll explain. So! We're gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way.
Mabel: Uh...
Jeff: I'm Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock: Shmebulock.
Jeff: (Snaps his fingers) Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?
Gnomes except Jeff: Queen! Queen! Queen!
Jeff: Heh. So what do you say? (Taps Steve with his foot, and the gnomes work together to make "Norman" kneel in a proposing fashion) Will you join us in holy matrignomey? Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can't talk today!
Vanna: Creepy, Creepy, Creepy! That's so GROSS! She is underage ew!
Mabel: Exactly, bleh!
Mabel: Look... I'm sorry, guys. You're really sweet, but, I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like, "what"? Yikes...
Jeff: We understand. We'll never forget you, Mabel. (The gnomes look sad and Mabel smiles) Because we're gonna kidnap you.
Vanna: SERIOUSLY DISGUSTING!
Jeff the Gnome: C'mon we weren't going to do anything nasty with her.
Vanna: Still it hits so wrong, You guys are adult gnomes kidnapping a little girl to marry to ALL OF YOU! Gross!
Jeff the Gnome: When you say it that way it sounds a little weird.
Vanna: I think it's for the best if you remain silent.
Mabel: Huh?
Jeff: (Yells and jumps at her)
Mabel: (Screams)
Cut to Dipper driving through the woods.
Dipper: Don't worry, Mabel! I'll save you from that zombie!
Mabel: (Off-screen) Help!
Dipper: Hold on!
Cut to the gnomes trying to pin down Mabel.
Jeff: The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody! Just, ha ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!
Mabel: (With Steve biting her sweater arm) Let go of me! (Punches Steve off)
Steve: (Bounces around, then stand upright and pukes a rainbow)
Dipper: What the heck is going on here?!
Gnome: (Hisses at him)
Mabel: Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks! (As a gnome pulls her hair) Hair! Hair! Hair!
Dipper: Gnomes? Huh, I was way off. (Takes the journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page aloud) "Gnomes: little men of the Gravity Falls Forest. Weaknesses: unknown." (When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground)
Mabel: Aw, come on!
Dipper: (Walks up to Jeff) Hey, HEY! Let go of my sister!
Jeff: Oh! Ha ha, hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?
Vanna: She was DEFINITELY in danger with you awful gnomes!
Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!
Gnome: (Covers her mouth)
Mabel: Mmmm-MMMMM!
Dipper: (Holds up the shovel he brought, pointing it at Jeff) Give her back right now, or else!
Jeff: You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the—
Dipper (Casually tosses him away with the shovel)
Soos: HaHa! Nice one dude!
Jeff: AH!
Dipper: (Cuts Mabel free with the shovel)
Mabel: Yah! (Kicks gnomes away; Dipper and Mabel get in the cart)
Jeff: He's getting away with our queen! No, no, no!
Dipper: Seatbelt. (Mabel buckles, he backs up and then he drives away)
Jeff: You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest: ASSEMBLE! (Various gnomes come out and stack up)
Mabel: Hurry, before they come after us!
Dipper: I wouldn't worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny! (Stops the cart as he hears a stomping sound; a giant stacked gnome stops at the cart)
Mabel: Dang.
Jeff: (On the top, using gnomes' hats like levers) All right, teamwork, guys. Like we practiced. (Gnomes growl)
Mabel: Move, MOVE!
Dipper: (Drives the cart away just as the gnomes smash their arm down and it breaks)
Gnomes: (Run frantically back into position and they chase the kids again)
Jeff: Come back with our queen!
Mabel: It's getting closer!
Gnome Giant: (Throws several gnomes at the cart)
Gnomes: (Chew cart and cause havoc)
Gnome: (Hanging from side of cart) Ha ha!
Mabel: elbow punches a gnome off. Shmebulock jumps up behind Dipper, who grabs him and slams him into the steering wheel out of annoyance.
Shmebulock: Shmebulock... (Falls out of the cart)
Gnome: (Jumps onto the cart and claws Dipper's face)
Mabel: I'll save you, Dipper! (Repeatedly punches the gnome off of Dipper's face and the gnome falls off with Dipper's hat)
Vanna: I understand you were trying to help your brother, but I don't think punching was the right solution, you should have simply pulled the gnome off.
Mabel: I panicked...
Dipper (Dazed from the punches) Thanks, Mabel...
Mabel: Don't mention it.
Gnome Giant: (Picks up tree and throws it)
Mabel: Look out!
Dipper and Mabel: AAAAAAHHHHHH!
The cart overturns, landing next to the Mystery Shack.
Dipper and Mabel: (Crawl out of the cart)
Gnomes: (Approaches)
Dipper: (To the gnomes:) Stay back, man! (Throws the shovel at the gnome giant)
Gnomes: (Punches shovel in mid-air)
Dipper and Mabel: (Grab each other) Aaahhh!
Dipper: Uh, where's Grunkle Stan?!
Cut to Stan in the shack with some tourists.
Stan: (Holding up a swirly pattern on a stick) Behold! The world's most distracting object.
Tourists: Oooh...
Stan: Just try to look away, you can't! I can't even remember what I was talking about.
Vanna just face-palms and shakes her head.
Jeff: It's the end of the line, kids! Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!
Dipper: There's gotta be a way out of this!
Mabel: I gotta do it.
Dipper: What?! Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?
Mabel: Trust me.
Dipper: What?
Mabel: Dipper, just this once. Trust me!
Dipper: (Glances at gnomes, then Mabel, then backs away)
Mabel: All right, Jeff. I'll marry you.
Vanna: Now I know you only said that to trick the gnomes, but you should NEVER marry your captor. Do you understand?
Mabel: Oh don't worry I'll never make that mistake!
Jeff: Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason! (Climbing down to her) Thanks, Andy! All right, left foot, there we go, watch those fingers, Mike. (Approaches Mabel and holds out diamond ring) Eh? Eh?
Mabel: (Holds out hand)
Jeff: (Puts the ring on her hand) Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let's get you back into the forest, honey!
Mabel: You may now kiss the bride!
Jeff: Well, don't mind if I do. (Leans up to kiss Mabel)
Mabel: (Leans out to kiss Jeff, then takes out leaf blower)
Jeff: Ah! Hey, hey, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! Wh-what's goin' on?! (Gets sucked half-way into leaf-blower)
Mabel: That's for lying to me! (Increases the sucking power) THAT'S for breaking my heart!
Jeff: (Slowly getting sucked in further) Ow! My face!
Mabel: And THIS is for messing with my brother! (Aims; to Dipper) Wanna do the honors?
Dipper: On three!
Dipper & Mabel: One, two, three! (Blast Jeff towards the gnome monster)
Gnome Giant: (Explodes into separate gnomes)
Jeff: (Flying off into the distance) I'll get you back for this!... (Other gnomes scream when they fall)
Gnome: Who's giving orders? I need orders!
Gnome 2: My arms are tired.
Dipper: (While Mabel moves the leaf blower back and forth, blowing gnomes away) Anyone else want some?
Vanna: You guys were awesome in that scene! I love seeing you two being epic.
Various towns folk nod their agreement.
Stanley: That's my Grand Niece and Grand Nephew!
Gnomes: (Run off on all fours; one gets caught in a six-pack holder)
Gompers: (Picks the six-pack holder up and runs off) Blah-ah-ah.
Gnome in the six-pack holder: (In the background) Aaaaahhhhh!
Mabel: Hey, Dipper? I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.
Dipper: Oh, don't be like that. You saved our butts back there.
Mabel: I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
Dipper: Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire!
Vanna: Trust me you don't want to date a vampire trust me.
Mabel: Oh, you're just saying that!
Dipper: Awkward sibling hug?
Mabel: Awkward sibling hug.
Dipper & Mabel: (Hug and pat each other) Pat, pat.
Vanna: Aw, thats so sweet!
The two walk into the Mystery Shack.
Stan: Yeesh. You two get hit by a bus or something? Ahah!
Dipper and Mabel: (Begin to walk away)
Stan: Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?
Mabel: Really?
Dipper: (Folds arms) What's the catch?
Stan: The catch is do it before I change my mind, now take something.
Dipper & Mabel (Look around at items)
Dipper: (Picks up a blue pine tree hat from one of the shelves and looks in a mirror) Hmm. That oughta do the trick!
Mabel: And I will have a... (Grabs item from box, hides it, and twirls around) GRAPPLING HOOK! Yes!
Vanna: You, Little lady should not have picked something so dangerous, you could poke someone's eye out with that thing! But I will let it go because it does come in handy later.
Stan: (To Dipper) Wouldn't she rather have, like, a doll, or something?
Vanna: And you Stanley, are the adult in this situation. You should have been more responsible and told her "No".
Mabel: (Fires the grappling hook up at the ceiling; it catches and pulls her up) GRAPPLING HOOK!
Stan: Fair enough!
Cut to Mabel and Dipper's bedroom. Dipper is writing while Mabel jumps on her bed, laughing.
Dipper: (Writing in Journal while narrating) This journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust. (Looking at Mabel) But when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they've probably always got your back.
Mabel: (Shoots grappling hook, then reels it back with a stuffed animal attached)
Dipper: Hey, Mabel, could you get the light?
Mabe:l I'm on it! (Knocks light out the window with the grappling hook) It works!
Vanna: That was a bad idea, one of you could have gotten glass in your body.
Dipper and Mabel (Laugh)
Mabel: Grappling hook...
Dipper (Narrating) Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked.
Cut to the Mystery Shack exterior. Stan walks in holding a lantern. He goes into the gift shop and puts a code into the vending machine. The machine opens, and Stan walks inside, looking side-to-side before closing it behind him.
Everyone was floored at the secret entrance hidden in the mystery shack.
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, what is that? Why do you have a secret door?
Stanley: Well I Ummm…
Vanna: It's ok Stanley you can keep that secret for now, as we watch it and many other things will be revealed.
End credits: Steve pukes a rainbow for several seconds.
Vanna spoke up " So everyone did you like the first episode?"
"It just raises a heck of a lot of questions!" said Old man McGucket.
All the townsfolk began talking over each other, many were confused, some had theories, but they all wanted to see more and find what was hiding right under their noses.