Chapter 8

On Friday evening, Hermione was very happy when she knocked on the door of his office – although she wanted to try something today that could make him angry…

"Enter!" he barked like every time but the moment he saw her, his face lit up and he didn't look annoyed at all.

"Hello, professor," Hermione greeted, beaming, and sat down on the chair in front of his desk like usual.

"Good evening, Miss Granger," he replied with a nod. "Tea?"

"Do you really have to ask?" she laughed. They always had tea together.

He just shrugged and conjured them two hot mugs of Earl Grey.

When he had handed her the tea and had sat down again, he asked casually: "What do you want to talk about today?" They had agreed last week that they should have at least one evening without working on the potion; some kind of free time.

Hermione took a deep breath. "I already know a lot about you – I know which is your favourite tea flavour, where you like to spend your summer holidays or what you dream of. But I have no clue about the… the dark things in your life."

"You mean my life as a Death Eater?"

"Not only that."

"What else then?"

"For example, Harry told me that the Marauders bullied you when you were in school… I'd just like to know about everything that deeply hurt you." She looked at him cautiously.

His eyebrows were raised. "This is very personal."

"I know," she whispered.

"Do you also have things that hurt you?"

"I think everyone does."

He nodded absent-minded. "Shall I start then with my fighting parents?"

"If you want to…"

And so he did. He told her in all honesty but without any emotion about his always fighting and hating parents, how James and his friends had agonised him over and over again, how he had lost his one true friend (Lily, although he didn't say that it was Harry's mother and therefore named her Mary; it was too soon for her to know, he decided), and how it was being a real Death Eater or at least pretend to be one.

In the middle of a gruesome tale about how he was forced to torture and then kill a muggle woman, he finally showed Hermione his true emotions. His face was full of pain and self-disgust.

She blinked away her tears. In an attempt of comfort, she placed her hand on top of his which was laying on the desk between them and squeezed it once to assure him that he wasn't alone.

"I think," he concluded, "that even without the murder of my best friend, I would have joined Dumbledore and the Order sooner or later. I just didn't realise what being a Death Eater meant when I was young. I only thought about the power and revenge I could have…"

Hermione sighed heavily. "I am happy that you're on our side now."

"Me, too," he replied and gave her a tiny smile. "Now then," he said louder, clearing his throat once and letting go of her hand, "tell me about your dark things. The things that hurt you."

"You mean besides my best friends who betrayed me?" she answered bitterly.

"You still don't know who it is?!"

She shook her head.

"I'm sorry," he said seriously.

"Thanks… Well, then something else… Oh, yeah," Hermione started sarcastically, "how about that my parents don't like that I'm a witch?"

"Why not?" he asked astonished – she was after all the brightest witch of her age!

"They're afraid of me… They're afraid that I could do horrible things when I'm angry… That I could hurt them or even kill them…" Now the tears finally spilled over and she couldn't hold them back anymore. When she started to sob, Snape went over to her, helped her on her feet and then took her into his arms.

"Come here…", he whispered softly.

"The worst is that I myself am sometimes afraid of what I might do. I have the abilities to torture or kill. I know how Avada Kedavra works, and it scares me… When the war against Voldemort will start, I have to kill Death Eaters, don't I?"

Snape stiffened both at the mentioning of the Dark Lord's name and the meaning of killing Death Eaters.

"But I don't want to," she whispered.

"You don't have to," he told her. "You could always stun us."

"Us?" She looked at him irritated.

"You said Death Eaters," he replied a bit hurt.

"In my mind you're not a Death Eater," she smiled and embraced him firmly. "You're a hero."

He laughed bitterly but didn't say anything. They both merely enjoyed the others warm comfort and proximity until it was time for Hermione to go. But when they said goodbye something felt slightly different…