Author's Note:
Post 4x13.
This is just my perspective and wishful thinking. I enjoyed 4x13, but I just wanted at least one scene towards the end wherein Mac could thank Riley for what she did to help him.
I kept thinking and so this is what came of it. It was a supposed to be a sweet yet angsty "thank you, Riley" fic which somehow transitioned into an "unplanned and surprise confession" sort of thing.
I hope you guys will like it! Please read and review! Comments make me happy.
Tumblr: @moodypetrichorlove
Title taken from Fifth Harmony's "Don't Say You Love Me".
After Mac tells them all about his plan to save the planet, based on the science of File 47, he asks Matty if him and Riley can leave for the day. He says they both need a somewhat restful shuteye before they move any further, and Matty agrees. Riley can see Desi ready to jump into the conversation, probably wanting to accompany her boyfriend after being away from each other for a couple of days. Then she remembers Desi's blowout in the forest and wonders whether Mac still classifies as her boyfriend. Could Mac and Desi come back from everything that has happened these past few days? Lost as she is mulling the MacDesi of it all, she misses Mac calling her name the first time. A warm hand gently landing on her arm wakes her up to the reality of the war room and when she turns to Mac, he softly says, "Come on, Riles, let's go home."
Home. Mac's home. Where she's also been living since her break-up with Aubrey. She is reminded of her plan to move out being side-lined as Codex had taken over her life – their lives – but she determinedly decides right then to resume her apartment hunting. She needs to move out of there before she explodes in the face of her festering feelings and loses her friends.
However, right now, Mac's home sounds lovely. She needs to sleep the past couple of days off and then she'll attend to the rest. So, she smiles at him, and they are both up and out the door in a flash.
Mac nudges Riley awake as soon as they get home and he parks out front. He doesn't feel like parking the car in the garage right now; he thinks he can do it later, after getting some well-deserved rest.
They both walk to the door with heavy footsteps, neither particularly caring about the noise they seem to be making.
As soon as they get inside, Riley turns to Mac and tells him she's off to bed. Mac looks like he wants to say something, but he hesitates and takes a tad bit too long, so Riley starts moving to her room.
It's like seeing her back turned to him lights up a bulb in his mind and he blurts, "Hey, Riles?"
The urgency in his tone makes her turn around, "Yes, Mac?"
"I, uh, I guess I just wanted to thank you."
Eyebrow raised, she looks at him quizzically, and he takes it as a sign to continue.
"I know I told you that you didn't have to help me out with Codex, but the truth is I couldn't have done any of this without you. And it was nice not being alone while I was doing yet another stupid thing."
Suddenly, she feels the ghost of a soft yet callous hand cover hers; long, slim, fingers slipping into her own, squeezing it as if their life depended on it. She looks up at him and the emotions in his eyes let her know he's also thinking about that moment on the truck, when the second missile was homed in on them and they had given up trying to stop it. When he reached for her because he thought they were both going to die.
She shakes off the feeling otherwise she might cry (and she is so not in the mood for that) and dismisses his gratitude, "Come on, Mac. I didn't really do anything. It was all you. I was just the getaway driver. And just there, I guess."
"What?" His voice raises a little and he's looking at her like he cannot believe she just said that. "That's bullshit, Riles, and you know it. We both know if you hadn't shown up the other day when I stole Shiva, I'd be dead long before we ever made it to Codex's secret underground city."
"Mac-"
"Stop arguing with me on this, please? Why can't you just take the compliment? You really need to stop selling yourself short."
"Guess I'm not just used to people giving me credit for, well, most of the things I do," she scoffs out.
He looks at her a little sheepishly just then, like he thinks he might be guilty of that too, and beseechingly says, "I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel that way, Riley. And I promise to always give you credit where it's due. Always."
Riley smiles and answers, "I don't do what I do because I want praise or compliments or credit, Mac. I have a whole lot of bad to make up for. I'm at the Phoenix so I can do good, regardless of recognition. I help because I want this world to be a better place. And most importantly, I do my job to the best of my abilities so that you don't die on me. Otherwise, what's the point?"
He's touched by that, more than she can ever imagine. "Yeah, I know. You're selfless like that."
"Says the most selfless person I know," she quips back.
"Well, that's funny. That's what I think of you."
"Shut up," she huffs out laughingly.
"No, really. Riley, you stood by me when no one else believed in me. The fact that you saw through the facade and didn't give up on me means everything to me, Riles. Your utmost faith in me helped me, to be honest. And I'm afraid once I say this, I might lose you –" he glances away from her just then, as if he's sacred to look her in the face – "but I was actually tempted by Codex. I was swaying over to the dark side. Having you with me reminded me that I could do better.
"You risked your entire career, your life to come help me. I mean, you could've been captured and they could have sent you back to prison. Or you could have died this mission! You didn't think about that, though. So, yeah, you're selfless, and amazingly brave, and I'm just so grateful to have you in my life." He takes a deep breath. "Jack would be proud of you. I know I am."
With tears welling up in her eyes, she jokingly asks him, "Mac, do you secretly like seeing me cry or something?"
"I like seeing you, period. However you let me see you. Makes my day infinitely better."
The blunt answer comes so swiftly it feels like he didn't even have to think before he said it, and it leaves Riley gasping. She sees him closing his eyes tightly, like he's just realizing what he said. He's just feeling the weight behind those seemingly innocent words settle on his shoulders.
She tries to deflect, "Yeah, emotions are running high right now. We're all saying things we don't really mean."
"Don't, don't do that. Please. Yes, that was a bit forward, but it came from a place of truth and a whole lot of love. So, please, don't act like it's anything else, alright? You're the one person in my orbit right now whom I trust more than anyone else. With you, I feel stronger and better and like we can do anything we put our minds to, no matter how difficult or impossible it seems."
His tone is sharp yet gentle, firm yet pleading, and Riley almost melts, but a picture of Desi flashes in her mind, and then there's an abrupt projection of all the moments she has witnessed between Mac and Desi, the couple; and as soon as she relives the kiss after the weird love confession, she explodes. Just like she was afraid she would one day.
"Mac, you have a girlfriend! You can't go around telling other girls that they make your day better! Or any of those things you just said! If I'm trying to make this feel like nothing, it's for you! For Desi, you know, your girlfriend?!"
"You don't need to, Riles! I know I have a girlfriend and I'm trying to sort that out, okay? Honestly speaking, I don't think our relationship can survive any longer beca-"
Cutting him off, she tells him, "I don't want to hear it. I can't, okay?" There is so much pain in her voice Mac can feel it in his bones. He feels guilty now, so guilty.
She continues, "It's not right. Maybe if you hadn't dropped that bomb on me, it would've been fine, hearing about you and Desi, because then I'd just be the friend, and I'd know that. But this? This is just cruel, Mac." A single tear slides down her cheek and she is so beyond exhausted now she can't be bothered to wipe it off.
He flinches at that because he never wants to hurt Riley, and right now, it feels like he has. Really badly. So he tries to lock the door on his extremely mistimed and surprising rush of feelings for his best friend. Mostly because he can see she's not ready to have this conversation yet. And come to think of it, he isn't either. Before he tries to walk any path other than that of "just friends" with Riley, he needs to break up and clear things up with Desi, and then get his own head on straight. Desi and Riley both deserve that, at the least.
But he also needs Riley to know he's not giving up on her, on what he has been feeling for her, because he can see it in her eyes, too. She's trying to hide it, but he knows her enough to feel something positive in there for him, something bubbling in his favour. And if it weren't for Codex, he might have seen it sooner.
So, he rambles on, "I can't help how I feel, and honestly I was not expecting all of this to come out just now. I'm sorry. I really am. I... this was supposed to be a nice, gratitudinal conversation and I just wanted to thank you but I ran my mouth and ruined it.
"It meant the world to me to have you by my side while I thought I was going to die, yet again. I don't think I can ever repay you for anything that you've done for me all these years, all the times you've saved my ass. Just know I'll always be here for you, and I'll never give up on you, either. So if you ever feel like you can't take it any more, you come to me, okay?"
Riley can feel all her pent-up frustrations and energy evaporating. She just wants to go to bed and shut down her mind for the next twenty four hours at best. However, she looks up at Mac and softens up in an instant. Goodness, she has next to no control over her reactions and responses when it comes to him; her mind and her heart don't think it's necessary to consult her, ever. She's quick to reassure him, "You don't need to repay me. You just confirmed that I'll never be alone as long as I have you around. I trust you'll do the same for me, Mac."
"And more. Much, much more."
Those words, the sincerity and intensity behind them, make her experience an ache in her soul so sharp and yet so sweet, she's baffled. She doesn't know what to make of it exactly. What she does know is that it's different than anything she has felt before. She certainly had something good with Billy (until he stepped out on her); and what her and Aubrey had was special, even though tainted by one of the biggest and most important secrets of her life. This feeling, though? The one Mac invokes in her with just a look, deliberate or not, the warmth that surges through her veins in his calm and trustworthy presence – all of this tells her it's much more and way more special. That it is here to stay. Permanently. She doesn't think she has ever been in love. She doesn't know what it feels like, to be in love. But if she were to bet, she'd say it felt exactly how she feels for Mac. She thinks she's falling in love, which is a scary thought in itself. Even scarier is her tongue itching to expose her more than she already has. So, she gathers her courage to smile at Mac one last time, and turns to go.
"Riles?"
This time she stays facing away from him, "Yes, Mac?"
"Sweet dreams, Riles, and just so you know, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to figure all this out and still be here, with you."
Nodding her head once, she glances at him over her shoulder, and catches a glimpse of a hopeful smile on his beautiful face. That alone fills her up with so much hope and happiness, she wonders how she'd behave if Mac actually comes to reciprocate her feelings. Something tells her he already might. And she is well aware she may be setting herself to get hurt even more, but if there is anyone in this world she believes in more than Jack and herself, it's Mac; so she goes to bed with the belief that if exhaustion lets her mind have dreams tonight, they will indeed be sweet, oh so very sweet.