A/N: Hope everyone is staying well during this time. My area is finally putting in a stay-at-home order. Anyone who is like me and is considered essential and still working, I feel you. If you lost your job and are not getting paid like over 25% of the population in the US, I feel for you. If you are able to stay home and get paid or work from home, count your blessings. Take care of yourself y'all.

Chapter Eight: Drowning Sorrows

"If you ever know a man who tries to drown his sorrows, kindly inform him his sorrows know how to swim." -Pittacus Lore, The Power of Six.

As the classroom slowly began to fill with his housemates, he tried to avoid McGonagall's eyes knowing she was watching him. He shifted a little in his seat and put his quill in the ink. Once the clock struck eight, she waved her wand to close the door and began lessons. He mindlessly took notes, but half listened to the lecture. After the break, he haphazardly did the practical applications for the day. When the clock struck noon, he was grateful to be away from her prying eyes.

After some lunch, he headed for the library. A handful of students were there studying, and he took a seat at the back table away from eyes of the librarian and most of the other students. He propped up his textbook and pulled out some parchment and his quill. He folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on his hands with a heavy sigh. The last thing he wanted to do was more homework. A burning sensation ran across his head and he shut his eyes for a moment. He did not want to be here. He did not want to be alive. It was all so pointless and now his professors were eyeing him strangely and he knew it was bullshit about them giving any shit at all. They had never given a single damn about him before, so he was not going to have them pretend to care now.

Fucking December. It was the worst month to be alive. He did not want to go home for the holidays ahead nor did he want to stay here either with the all professors' watchful eyes and probing inquiries. If he had not promised Lily, he would just end it now. A wand Avada Kedavra, a slit of his throat with a curse, a deadly potion perhaps. The numbness inside caught in his throat. He put his forehead against his hands as dampness blurred his vision. He sniffed and groaned as he leaned back against the chair and cleared his throat. Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

He glanced up and saw Lily strolling into the library. With a heavy huff, he choked back the empty emotion. At least it was a free period and Professor Eigen was one who was unlikely to bother him. She tended to have her back to the class most of the lecture and then chugged her coffee topped off with some questionable potion while they did the equations.

Lily's smile faded as she approached him. Her eyes grew soft as she set her bag down and sat across from him at the table. He nearly jumped back as she grabbed his hand.

His heart started to race a little as she stroked the top of his hand with her thumb. "Was it a rough morning?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

He half-shrugged but was speechless as she ran her fingers delicately over his hand. Part of him was tempted to pull away, but a bigger part wanted her to keep doing it. What was she doing touching his hand like this? Without thinking too much, he put his hand over hers. Her eyes got wide for a fleeting second and then she gave a tiny corner smile and clasped her other hand over his with a gentle squeeze.

His heart started to pound under her touch and his head started to burn and spin. He couldn't do this. The numbness within in returned, his body and mind raw. He pulled his hands from her grip and slammed his book down as he cleared his throat.

Severus glanced away from her and snatched his bag. "I'm going to the bathroom." He mumbled so quiet she barely heard him.

"What? Sev, wait." He strolled out of the library with his head down. She scurried to her feet and grabbed her bag before hurrying after him.

He walked into the bathroom and to his relief found it devoid of anyone else. The door opened and he spun around to see Lily enter. "Wrong bathroom?"

She bit her lip, "Sev, I" she folded her arms across her chest. "Would you just trust me to help?"

Severus sunk his shoulders and set his bag down by a shower stall. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the closed stall door. "How?"

Her eyes darted to the ground before landing back on him, "I'm not sure, but I really want to try."

He sighed, "I just don't know, Lily. It's pointless, isn't it? Being here."

She frowned and slumped her shoulders as she looked into his eyes. "Is it? It can get better, Sev. It really can."

He moved away from her gaze, "I don't see how. I still don't see why you give a damn."

Lily stepped closer to him. "I'll always give a damn. Just because we went our separate ways last year doesn't mean I completely stopped giving a damn about you."

"Lily, I just-" The bathroom door opened, and the student stopped and stared at them.

She blushed a little, "I should go. I'll be in the library if you want to study with me." She turned and rushed out of the bathroom.

Severus glared daggers at the boy's stares. He cowered under his gaze and rushed to the back urinal. Severus snatched his bag and left the bathroom.

After his afternoon classes, Severus skipped dinner and hid in the library with a bottle or two of fire whiskey. After the initial burning, he began to chug it and drown his sorrows into it.

Lily perused the Slytherin table during dinner but could not see him and her heart sunk a little. Awhile after dinner, she decided to finally hunt him down. She sighed with relief seeing the back of his head in the back corner of the library and approached him.

He jumped when she touched his shoulder and quickly covered his bag with a gasp. He swallowed hard. She raised an eyebrow and sat down next to him. "You missed a good dinner."

"Wasn't hungry." He mumbled.

"What're you doing?" Severus knew that tone. It was not a question, but an accusation.

He put the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle a hiccup. "Nothing," he half slurred.

"What's in the bag?" She nearly gasped, "Sev, have you been drinking?"

His eyes grew wide, "What-no-why would you think that?"

"Your breath smells like alcohol and you're slurring your words. Show me."

"No!" He snapped, "I'm fine, thanks. My bag is private."

"Why are you drinking? You think it's going to help?" Her eyes bore into his. "Where did you get the alcohol anyway?"

"Maybe it well," he said through gritted teeth. "Who cares?"

"How much have you had?"

He shook his head, "Doesn't matter. I'm fine." He shivered slightly and rubbed his temple with a hiccup.

"Are you drunk?" She sat straight up in the chair. "Oh my god, Severus. You're going to get in so much trouble if they see you."

"Who fucking cares? I don't give a damn about any of them. Expel me for all I care."

She scoffed, "Are you fucking kidding me? What happened today?"

He grumbled and snuck another sip from his bag. She flipped it open to reveal the bottle and pulled it near her with a huff. He yanked it from her hands and glared at her. "That's private."

"You drank the entire bottle. Sev, that's fire whiskey. It's so strong. Have you ever even had that much alcohol before?"

Severus scoffed, "It's just some alcohol." He slurred and his vision grew blurrier. "Besides, I didn't drink the entire bottle." He smirked as his head spun. "I drank two."

She nearly gasped, "You had two of them? Sev, that's dangerous. Don't tell me you are trying to drink yourself to death? It won't fucking work. You'll start to puke everywhere before that happens."

When she said the word puke, he cringed. Nausea suddenly hit him as the whiskey churned in his empty stomach. He swallowed back and put the back of his hand to his mouth as bile began to rise and burn his throat. He quickly stood up and took a moment to stand upright without stumbling. "Bathroom," he mumbled afraid saying anything more would bring the alcohol up all over the table. He ran from the library covering his mouth, half stumbling on the way out.

Lily rushed to her feet as he bolted out of the room and cursed to herself. She grabbed both of their things and cringed seeing the two empty bottles in his bag. Where did he even get them? She sighed and walked out of the library, not thrilled with the idea of seeing him vomit.

For the second time that day, she followed him into the bathroom. As soon as she entered, she heard a loud dry heave and cringed. With a heavy sigh, she walked over to the stall and set their bags down near the sinks. She opened the stall door to find him hugging the toilet.

"I told you so."

He grumbled and lifted his head, "Fuck you."

To his surprise, she laughed. "Serves you right drinking that much so quickly and on an empty stomach too. You should know better than that."

He heaved and vomited again. She cringed and hoped she wouldn't end up puking too since it only been a little over an hour since she had eaten.

"You really want to see me like this?" He mumbled.

She sighed and took her hair tie out. She pulled his hair back and put the tie in his hair.

"What're you doing?" He moaned and flushed the toilet.

"Putting your hair out of your face. Do you want to get more vomit in it?"

He sat up and laid back against the stall wall near the toilet. "It burns."

"Well, it burns going down. Did you think it wouldn't coming back up?" The bathroom door started to open, and Lily stepped inside of the stall and let the door close. She waited with bated breath while someone entered a nearby stall. After a few minutes they left, and Severus began to throw up again. She put her hand on his back. He flushed again and put his elbows on the seat as he rubbed his temple.

"Sure I'll feel better soon,"

She guffawed. "Uh, unlikely. My money is on a bad hangover in the morning."

He groaned.

"You remember that time I threw up at your house?" Lily asked.

"What?"

"When I was 10. You remember? I was staying with you for a couple of hours to play and got sick."

He moaned, "Yeah. My mum was pissed when you barfed on our carpet." He let out a little laugh.

"She phoned my mum right quick." Lily smiled. "Guess I had a stomach thing because I puked in my mom's car on the way home and a couple more times that day."

He tried to chuckle, but just groaned. Lily rubbed his back. Severus closed his eyes as the tips of her fingers stroked the top of his spine. He shivered under her touch, wishing she would never stop. The sudden urge to urinate hit and he forced himself unsteadily to his feet. "I need the use the bathroom."

"You're in the bathroom."

He grimaced. "Just shut the door."

"You want me to leave?"

"Rather not have an audience while I piss."

She sighed and left the stall while he relieved himself and opened it back up a minute after the toilet flushed. "Better?"

Severus shook his head, "No. I think I'm going to throw up again."

"Well, hope you learned your lesson. Getting drunk won't solve your problems."

He was sick off and on over the next couple of hours. She would rub his back each time he vomited, and he listened to her calm voice soothe him with various stories about their times together. Her fingertips caressed his spine and shoulders as if she was strumming his pain away. It lulled him into sleep.

Severus awoke to a throbbing head staring at the tile and someone's robes. He jolted up and saw Lily asleep against the stall open door. When did he fall asleep? Had he passed out? He winced as he pressed his hands against his aching head and watched her sleep for a moment. She seemed so peaceful and he wished he could feel as peaceful as she appeared. He cleared his throat and tapped her shoulder. Lily gasped and jumped to attention.

"What? What happened? Are you still sick?"

"Sorry, no, it's nothing, just think we should maybe leave. Guess we fell asleep."

She stretched. "What? No, I didn't. Just a cat nap." She smirked. "Do you know the time?"

"No, I don't." He slowly got to his feet in a half stumble. Lily caught him before he fell.

"Think you should go sit for a moment. Come on." She summoned him to a shower stall and pointed to the bench. "Sit down."

He did as she said with a side eye. She grabbed a towel and placed it on his back before undoing the hair tie. She grabbed the shower nozzle and turned it on.

"What are you doing?"

"Washing your hair."

He glared at her, "I don't need you to give me a shower."

"I'm not trying to bathe you. You have vomit in it from earlier. Really want to keep it in?"

Severus curled his lip up but let her wash his hair. He closed his eyes as she massaged his scalp with the shampoo. She spelled his hair dry once washed and removed the towel.

"I'll be right back." She rushed to her bag and came back with a comb and smoothed out the tangles in his hair. "That should feel better. Make you a little more alert too."

"Thanks." He whispered.

"You want to go hang out in a study room for a little while? Don't really want to leave you alone if you start to puke again. Hate to think you may choke on your own vomit or something."

"Am feeling a little better that way." What was he saying, "But we can hang out for a little while."

He pulled his bag to his shoulder and realized the empty bottles were gone. "Hid the evidence?"

She untucked her hair from the strap of her bag, "Don't want you in trouble."

They left the bathroom to an empty and dark corridor. She took out her wand, "lumos," she whispered. As they passed the library, Lily looked in and gulped. "I think we are out well past curfew."

"Your dormmates are going to wonder where you were again."

She shushed him and he followed her to a study room. She held the doorknob and gently closed the door before turning the light on. "Dammit, it's after 11. We have class in the morning."

He slumped into the chair. "My head is killing me."

"That apparently happens when you drink too much. Get some sleep. You have to go to classes tomorrow. Would look odd to only go yesterday. I have Transfiguration and Arithmancy in the morning. What about you?"

"Sciences then a free period."

"Well that's good. So, you just have to get through one class in the morning. Get some rest."

"What about you?"

"I'm going to get some sleep too. I don't have any free periods tomorrow."

"What about your dormmates?"

She raised an eyebrow as she fluffed some blankets for a makeshift bed on the floor. "What about them?"

"They're going to get suspicious as to why you keep disappearing during the nights."

"Pssh, whatever." She fluffed a blanket into a pillow. "Go to sleep."

He sighed and curled up in the chair. "Don't get in trouble on my behalf."

"The worst that will happen is them being annoying. Don't worry about 'em. Worry about yourself right now."

He closed his eyes, "I'm not worried about myself. Worried about you."

"Well, don't worry about me either. I can handle them just fine."

Lily waited until he was asleep and closed her aching eyes. Her alarm buzzed and she groaned into the blanket. Severus bolted up at her alarm.

She rolled onto her knees and sat up.

"Rough night?" Severus grumbled. "You look terrible."

She glared at him, "Thanks a lot."

"I just mean you look exhausted and your hair is all mess. I know I must look awful."

She stood up and smoothed her robes. "Well, glad you didn't get sick anymore in the night. How's your head?"

"Pounding."

"Well, then, I'm going to my dorm to get ready for the day. Suggest you do the same." She put the blankets back as he got to his feet. "Meet you at lunch?"

"Sure, Lily. See you later."

She grabbed the doorknob.

"Lily."

She turned to him.

"Thanks. For everything."

She nodded with a smile that met her eyes. "Of course. What are friends for?"

He watched her leave and a small smile crept up. It fell as he grabbed his bag and left the study room for his dorm.

0o0o0

Lily tried to quickly comb her hair as she headed to the Gryffindor tower. She entered the dorm to a couple students, all younger, loitering in the common room. She rushed up the stairs and nearly collided with a fourth year as she turned the corner. The girl just gave Lily a side-eye as she walked past. Lily softly opened the door to her dorm. Her dormmates appeared to still be asleep. She pulled out her trunk quietly and grabbed some clean undergarments and robes, tiptoeing back out.

She turned on the shower and let out a heavy sigh as the water cascaded over her stiff and tired body. Lily huffed and cursed to herself over the evening before, frustration mounting. She hit the stall wall with her fist. Nothing was working to help him, and he was not going to ask for help either. He was still depressed and still wanted to die. She had to think of something that would help him be happier, even just a little. Surely there was something to help him see that life was worth living. What that was, however, she did not know.

Lily got dressed and fixed her hair and makeup. As she started to leave the bathroom, her fellow dormmate Linda entered followed by Marie-Christine. Linda narrowed her eyes at Lily and turned back, "Look, Marie-Christine. She showed back up after all."

Lily ignored them and grabbed the handle.

"Where were you last night, Lily? No one saw you since dinner."

She opened the door. "Out."

"Why are you being so secretive? You disappeared the other night after going for your book and then you've been running off after classes and randomly during lunch. Then you disappeared again after tea and you never came back. If you keep disappearing at night, I'm going to tell Rose."

Lily let go of the door and turned to them, her eyes narrowed. "It's none of your all's business what I do. You are neither my Mum nor a teacher. What I've been up to doesn't concern any of you."

"Fine, then." Linda said and smoothed her robes. "You can deal with Rose instead."

"Oh, I'm just trembling." Lily mocked.

"She'll tell McGonagall." Marie-Christine finally spoke up. "You're going to get in trouble."

"I'll be fine. I've just had a special matter to tend to lately." Lily turned back to the door and left before they could respond.