A/N: I should have more time to write since work has decided to let us stay home for two days next week while getting paid. Hell yes. My name is FebruaryAquarian and I approve of this message.

A/N Warning: This chapter has brief sexual references. I removed a small bit of conversation in case the censors here flag it. Full version is found over on AO3 under the username Snakeofthe80s. This chapter also discusses suicide.

Chapter Nine: A Blue Christmas

Severus took a seat at the back-corner table in Potions on Friday morning. He scratched random notes about bezoars being the counter to nearly all potion poisonings as others slowly trickled in. Lily took a seat at the table across from him. She leaned over and whispered, "Feeling better today?"

He shrugged. "No hangover."

"That's good."

When she chose to partner with him for the practical part of the lesson, the side-eyes seemed like knives at the back of his neck. Lily opened the book and strolled to the front for the ingredients without a word to anyone else. Severus gulped as Potter glared daggers at him and sucked in his cheeks that were slightly flushed. Black's eyes were narrowed, and they followed Lily to the front and then back to the seat beside of Severus. Mulciber and Travers sneered his direction. Two Slytherin girls scrunched up their noses his direction and he noticed at the opposite side of the room, two of Lily's dormmates doing the same.

As class ended, Linda had pulled Lily to the side. Though Severus pretended he did not hear, Linda was incapable of a quiet voice.

"What are you doing?" She asked through clenched teeth.

"What're you talking about?" Lily asked.

"You know what. Why are you talking to him?"

"Who? Severus?"

Linda threw up her hands, "Why are you talking to him again? You can't have forgotten what he called you last year."

Lily sighed, "There is a thing called forgiving. Perhaps you ought to try it sometimes." She turned to grab her bag.

Linda scoffed. "Seriously? What the hell, Lily? A week ago, you wouldn't look at him. Now you are suddenly his best friend again."

"You are exaggerating. I didn't-"

"Am I?" She interjected and narrowed her eyes. She stepped closer to Lily, almost on her toes. "Did he do something to you? Are you under some kind of a spell?"

"No. I'm fine, Linda. We talked and he's changed."

She glanced around before leaning closer to Lily's face. "Is that where you've been? With him?"

"Been where?"

"When you were out those nights all night."

Lily shrugged, "Why must you keep bringing it up? I don't get why everyone cares so much."

Linda's eyes became the size of galleons and she moved her mouth to Lily's ear. "Did you sleep with him? Is that why?"

Severus had not heard Linda but saw Lily's cheeks turn almost crimson.

"No!" She answered Linda as she backed away a little. "Why would you even think such a thing?" Lily put her hand up in Linda's face that was so close she almost hit her. "I had things to do those nights and it was not that with anyone." Lily rolled her eyes with a heavy huff before storming out of the room. He decided to quickly follow her before anyone tried to talk to him too.

Saturday, 4 December

Lily tried to do some of her homework for the weekend, but the piercing eyes of her roommates burned through her. "What?" She huffed. "Just say it and stop staring at me like I grew two noses."

"Why?" Mary asked.

"Why what?" Lily grumbled.

"Why did you choose to be his partner yesterday?"

"Why not?" She shrugged and mindlessly flipped the page of her Latin text.

"Since when? He wants to be a Death Eater. You said so." Mary puffed herself up slightly.

Lily scoffed and half rolled her eyes. "No, he-" She glared at them. "Why am I even arguing about this with you guys? I told you this morning, Linda. We had a long discussion recently and he's changed. Tell me I'm stupid, I'm crazy, I don't know-whatever you wish, but no, I did not sleep with him."

Mary and Mary-Christine raised their eyebrows and glanced between each other and her.

Niamh blinked hard and shook her head. "What? No one said you did."

"Linda did. Just because that's what she did with Petry doesn't mean that's what I did. Not to mention that unlike her and Roland, Severus and I are only friends."

Linda blushed, "What? I didn't-how-why would you think that?"

"Oh, come off it, Linda." Marie-Christine rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows what you and Roland were doing."

Linda scoffed. "Maybe if everyone wasn't so nosy-"

"Linda, you are not discrete in anything you do." Niamh answered.

Linda put her hands on her hips, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You are a terrible liar and can't keep anything you do secret." Mary answered for Niamh.

She tossed her hands up. "Why are you turning this on me? We weren't even talking about me!"

Marie-Christine interjected. "If Linda slept with Roland, whatever. If Lily slept with Severus and made up with him, it's her business. Let's forget this."

Lily frowned. "I did not-" She tried to say, but Mary and Linda's protests drowned her out.

"I would imagine if Lily had slept with Severus, he would be less depressed." Niamh responded.

Lily choked, "What?"

"Well, he's a miserable soul, isn't he? He never smiles. Pretty sure he'd be much happier if you'd been sleeping with him." Niamh winked.

"Either that or she was just a bad lay." Linda teased.

"How would you know what constitutes a bad lay, Linda? Experience with that?" Mary sneered.

"Not as much as you." Linda jeered.

Lily gathered her books. "I can't get any studying done with you all. I'm going to the common room." She started to leave the dorm, "And I did not sleep with anyone." Lily left them to continue their pointless arguing.

Sunday, 5 December

"Snivellus!"

Severus shifted his eyes to Potter and Black walking towards him. Shit, he thought. He shifted his bag slightly on his shoulder and kept the same pace away from them. He pulled his wand into his hand and heaved a sigh.

"Whatcha doing talking to Evans again, huh?" Potter asked.

Severus scoffed and keep walking. He had zero interest in dealing to either of them today.

"Fuck off, Potter."

"What'd you do to her? Did you curse her? If you-"

"I did no such thing!" He snapped, turning slightly the Marauders's direction. "She's her own person. She can speak to whom she pleases."

James Potter scoffed and ruffled his hair slightly. "Doesn't explain why she'd talk to you after you called her a-a you-know-what."

"Months ago. We moved on." Severus sucked in his cheeks, "Done stalking me now?" He started his stroll back down the corridor.

"Awful sudden change, don't you think, Padfoot?"

"It is suspicious. Think we ought to show him his place again? Expelliarmus!" Black shouted with a chuckle.

Expecting the attack, he deflected it and continued to walk down the hall with hardly a glance their direction. It was silent a moment.

"Stupify!" Potter shouted next.

Again, Severus deflected it and kept walking. He sunk his shoulders and gritted his teeth mumbling a slew of curse words to himself. "I said fuck off!"

They did not respond for a moment and Severus could not be bothered to see their faces.

"Locomotor Bendis!" Black called out.

He deflected again.

"Someone's in a mood. Perhaps a bath will make Snivy feel better? What'd you think, Wormtail?"

Wormtail giggled with delight at that and Potter puffed his chest. "Cludtos Sudthano!" Potter called and a white silky puff emitted from his wand and hurled towards Severus.

He sighed as he deflected it and both Potter and Black lowered their wands.

"What? Don't want to play today, Snivellus?" Black sneered slightly, but there was an edge to his words. "Still sick, Snivs?"

"Well, if he's not sick now, maybe he will be. Conjunctivius!" Potter shouted, but Severus just flicked the hex off before it reached him.

"Go fuck each other with a fork!" Severus snapped as he turned the corner. After a few moments he realized he was alone. He let out a deep breath he did not realize he was holding and continued down towards the Slytherin dorms.

The following day they had tried to goad him into a duel, but Severus was not in any mood to be a Marauder toy. The gratification of their frustration when he did not rise to the bait was marred by the truth that he just did not care enough to bother. Let Potter and Black try all they wanted. He was done. After a couple days of deflecting all the hexes and curses they threw, they stopped trying to ambush him. While this revelation against the Marauders bullshit should have made him happy, it didn't. It also did not stop Potter from glaring daggers at him in class and in the hallways, especially when Lily was with him. Even with the Marauders ignoring him during exam week, he still had his former friends to contend with and they were not above the occasional curse in the corridors. He could not wait for everyone to leave for the coming holidays. His only hope was the end of term would mean the end of all the stress.

Saturday, 18 December

"I can stay, Severus." Lily bit her lip.

"No, you should go home. I'll be fine. It's just two weeks."

"I don't know-I don't want to leave you alone."

He sighed. "Really, Lily. I won't take my life."

"You promise me?"

He scratched his hand that did not itch for a moment. "I promise." He mumbled.

Lily's stone expression to his response made him twitch.

"I should stay."

"No. Really. Your family misses you. Well, except Petunia. I know your mum and dad must."

"Yeah, but if they knew I stayed for a friend in need, they'd understand."

He ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted her to stay, but also did not want her to stay here only on his behalf. She had parents who loved her and wanted to see her. He did not. Since his mother died, there was not a single reason to return to his old home. "Really, Lily. I think you should go to your parents. I'll still be here when you get back. Besides, my old roommates are all leaving. I can finally sleep in my old bed in peace. No study rooms or room of requirement. It'll be good for me. You visiting your family is good for you."

She bit her lip again with a frown. After a moment, she sighed. "You still have that rock I gave you?"

"Of course."

"Just let me know if you want to talk. We can use the fireplace for a chat anytime." She squeezed his hand and then reached into her pocket. "Here." She handed him a small box. "It's nothing big, but thought you should have something to open on Christmas."

He reluctantly took the box. "I don't need anything. I didn't get you anything."

"Don't worry about that. I just wanted you to have something." She gave him a small smile that he struggled to return.

Later that day he watched her leave. She gave him a strong hug and whispered that she'd miss him. He managed a half smile back. "Take care of yourself, Sev. Please eat and take a shower and just, stay on the schedule. The routine is good."

He half-heartedly rolled his eyes, "You aren't my mum, Lily."

She chuckled. "Just take care of you."

"See you, Lily. Have a great holiday."

Once nearly everyone was gone, he wandered the nearly empty school until dinner. Only a handful of students were around. None of the Slytherins his age had stayed behind. Only two Slytherins in the school had remained, one third year and one fifth year. There were 5 Hufflepuffs, 4 Ravenclaws and 2 Gryffindors. None of the Marauders had stayed to his delight. The only other student in his year was a Hufflepuff named Claudia. He saw her laughing with two other girls in Hufflepuff, both of whom he was certain were fifth years.

He managed some of the boring dinner of roast duck, carrots, potatoes and bread, mostly because Lily had insisted that he eat something. After dinner, he took the long way around the winding halls down to the Slytherin common room. The third-year girl and fifth year boy were playing wizard's chess. They glanced up at him when he entered the room and returned to their game. He ignored them and went down into his old dorm. He looked out the window and saw the outline of the giant squid swimming around carelessly. Could he be jealous of the squid's ability to feel so carefree? He flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. The water from the lake lapped against the window over and over. It calmed his mind to hear it and drifted him into a deep sleep that alluded him for months.

He awoke and saw some tiny fish swim by the window. He tilted his head to glance at the clock and jumped to attention. It was 9AM. Had he really slept for 12 straight hours? He rubbed his still tired eyes and got off the still made, though now slightly wrinkled, bed.

Severus got to his feet and grabbed a change of robes before going to the bathroom. Despite the time, he sauntered to the Great Hall. Once he entered, no one was eating anymore and those that remained in the Hall were hanging out with friends. He snatched a bagel and ate it mindlessly before any professors who stayed behind tried to talk to him.

The rest of the day he stayed in the back of the common room alone. The other two Slytherins were off somewhere. He didn't know nor did he care where. He was just glad to have the place to himself. As he thought up some new spell ideas, his mind wandered to Lily and he wondered what she was doing right now. He figured she was probably doing something with her family. Surely, her parents were enjoying having their daughter home unlike his parents who never seemed thrilled to have their son home. He hoped Petunia was not making her time back miserable as she used to always do. Severus recalled more than once Lily arriving back in tears because of how Petunia had treated her. Though the last time she had told him about how terrible Petunia had been, she was not upset anymore, just irritated.

He moved his attention back to his book and put thoughts of Lily to the side for now. Without her around and without any classes or things to do, it was going to be a long two weeks.

By Monday, the emptiness of the castle was slowly getting to him. The last couple of weeks with classes and exams and spending time with Lily had occupied his mind away from his despair. It had not gone away, lingering in the back always.

Everyone else beamed in excitement about the presents that littered under the tree for the professors and those left behind. Each day that week, owls flooded in with gifts for some of the left-behinds. Severus noticed two of the Hufflepuffs and one of the Gryffindors did not receive any presents. However, they did from their friends. Something that he lacked.

Christmas morning's light was dull. The lake outside the window was murky and the fish he used to see were hidden in the depths of the water. He went to the Great Hall for breakfast so Professor Dumbledore could give them their gifts which consisted of sweets. After dinner, he opened Lily's gift to reveal some valerian root with a note.

Thought you might like to use this in a potion. Happy Christmas, Sev.

Love,

Lily.

He folded up the bit of parchment and stuck it into his pocket before heading into his dorm for the night.

Friday 1 January 1977

Severus held his wand in his hand. He had promised. He could not keep this promise. His head burned with the emptiness. Something. He had to feel something. The hollowness was overwhelming. It was not human to not feel something. With Lily gone, it seemed more empty than typical. There was no one to talk to, no one to do anything with, nothing to occupy his mind or his time. Making it through Christmas was painful enough. Hidden away no one had noticed his absence since. They wouldn't even know if he had died.

Severus closed his eyes as he sat on the cold bathroom tile with only a soft light in the corner to allow him to see his wand. He took a drink from the stolen fire whiskey, taking it easier than before. "Happy fucking New Year," he mumbled to himself.

After he set the liquor down, he clutched a small bit of parchment he'd written on. He took a deep breath and pointed his wand at himself. "Sectumsempra!"

He winced as his body became slashed up quickly. The pain from the curse made him pass out. He had to feel something, anything and he surely felt this. Maybe it was finally the end.