A/N: Still in statewide lockdown for another two weeks, but that's okay with me since cases are still increasing here. As some states in the US open while cases are rising, this is not looking good. Enough people have died and are having long recoveries. Already had to push back my trip from early June until mid/late July. I'm okay with postponing for safety and health reasons until this is over even if that means not going for many months, but I'm not okay with the idea of having to push it back again because people want a haircut (seriously, wtf?) and caused another lockdown.

Chapter Ten: Of Broken Promises and Hope

To his despair, it was not end. Not knowing who or when or how, he awoke to a familiar ceiling. Fuck! Not only was he mostly okay now, but the pain was barely there. He was back to nothing lying on a hospital wing bed. He sat up to find Madam Pomfrey sitting across from his bed scratching on parchment. She turned to him, her mouth holding a frown. He pushed back the covers and started to get up. She snapped her fingers and pointed back at his bed, "Back in bed."

"I feel fine."

"You won't leave until I say so. You are to stay here and continue to be monitored until further notice."

"What for?"

"Because I said so, now sit."

"Can I use the bathroom?" He asked sardonically.

She pushed her chair back and approached him. "Yes, follow me."

He raised an eyebrow but went over to the bathroom and inside. She stopped him from shutting the door all the way.

"This does not close."

"But that's embarrassing."

"Nothing I haven't seen or heard before. Return to bed when you are done."

Severus cringed and realized he did not have his wand. He hissed bitterly to himself as he used the toilet.

As he returned to his bed, he glanced at Pomfrey, "Where's my wand?"

"After what you did, we have temporarily removed your wand from your possession. Attempting to harm yourself is a serious matter, Mr. Snape."

Snape swallowed and heat rose into his face, "That-it-it was an accident. I'm fine."

Pomfrey said nothing and continued to scratch on some parchment.

"I'm not harming myself. Really."

"Lying becomes you. No more arguing. Now stay in that bed. Breakfast will be served soon, and I expect you to eat something. Your vitals are poor, and your nutrients are low."

Pomfrey watched him eat his oatmeal and fruit. His stomach was heavy after eating most of it having not consumed that much food in about two weeks. He willed himself to not throw it up and risk being yelled at by Pomfrey. A few hours later lunch was served. She watched him eat his ham sandwich, string beans and Kipling cake. His stomach was fuller than he could hardly recall. Though he knew the amount of food was not that much, his poor appetite lately made it sit in his stomach like a brick. She then practically shovelled a potion down his throat. He nearly gagged at the putrid flavour that reminded him of the smell of the rotting fish at the market. The chalky aftertaste did not help the growing nausea either.

"What is that?" He asked as he coughed and stifled a desire to gag. If he threw up any of his lunch, he was afraid she'd make him eat again.

"Nutrients potion. You weigh much too little for a lad of your age and stature. You've lost a lot of weight since your start of term health exam. You were about 11 stone then. Now you've lost a stone and a bit. You are low on most essential nutrients. Care to explain why you are not eating?"

"I eat." He spoke coolly.

"Not enough, clearly. Are you intending to starve yourself?"

"No." He tried to glare at her, but she did not even glance his direction. "I just haven't had much of an appetite lately."

She scratched on her parchment. "Are you trying to lose weight?"

"No. It wasn't my intention anyway."

"Are you purging any of your meals?"

He scoffed. "What? No."

She scratched some more on her parchment. After a few moments, she stood up and walked to the back of the infirmary with her parchment. A nurse stood watch over him to his displeasure. A few moments later, a woman appeared and sat down where Pomfrey had been. She was tall, lean, and fair-skinned with blonde hair that was greying. She watched him intently for a moment and began to scratch on some blank parchment. The entire time she was there she would glance at him expressionless and then write some more. This happened repeatedly for about 20 minutes. Fucking stop that He wanted to knock that quill of hers out of her hands.

"Are you depressed?"

He scoffed. She scratched some more.

"Are you more tired than usual?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

More scratching.

"Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed?"

"I don't know."

More scratching.

"Are you more anxious than usual?"

"No." What's with the questions? He pondered, but didn't dare say.

"Besides last night, have you had any thoughts of harming yourself before?"

"I never said I wished to harm myself." He spoke sharply.

"I see." She stood back up without another word to him and left him with the nurse.

Another half hour passed, and McGonagall entered the infirmary.

"Severus." Her expression was grave, sullen. He did not like it. "We should talk about what happened."

"Nothing happened." He spoke tersely.

She frowned. "You tried to injure yourself, Mr Snape. After all we know-"

"You know nothing." He interjected swiftly.

"You would do well to not interrupt me, Mr. Snape. Now, this concerns me. I'm afraid we must take some precautions as we fear you are going to harm yourself again."

Severus opened his mouth to speak, but she stopped him.

"You will be staying here until term and we will be having a counsellor speak with you starting tomorrow. It is clear you need some help to work through whatever has been going on."

Severus grumbled to himself and folded his arms across his chest. "I'm fine. I won't do anything."

"You just did."

He sat up a little straighter in the bed. "It was an accident."

"I suggest you save that excuse, Mr. Snape. We know you thought of it at some point before and perhaps you've even attempted it. I don't know about the latter. Now that you have harmed yourself, you will be seeing a counsellor. It is mandatory or we will consider a stay at St. Mungo's."

"I'm not insane, Professor."

"No one said you were, Mr. Snape. However, suicide attempts are serious matters."

He opened his mouth to speak and she put her hand up.

"A counsellor will be available and again, my door and all other professor's doors are open to you. Anything you say will be kept in strict confidence on a need to know basis."

"I attempted nothing. I messed up my own spell, that's all. I don't need anyone's help," he mumbled gruffly.

She raised her chin up, "A spell to cut you up severely?"

"Yes," he spoke through gritted teeth. "Just some cuts. It's just a hex. I messed up I see."

McGonagall's face softened, but he was unsure if she believed him or it was out of pity "I do hope you begin to feel better, Mr. Snape."

It was pity to his chagrin. He loathed anyone's pity. He glared at her. "With all due respect, spare me your pity. I'm not changing my story."

"I'm not offering you my pity. I'm offering an ear. The offer still stands."

He watched her leave the room and grabbed the empty silver tray next to the bed and slammed it onto the ground. It broke into pieces. Pomfrey, who was back in the room, only moved her eyes his direction.

"Breaking things won't fix your problems."

"It makes me feel better." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "I could fix it if I had my wand." He mumbled.

She smirked, "It won't allow your wand back either."

Severus removed his fingers from the top of his nose. "When can I have it back?"

"When term begins."

"But everyone will be back tomorrow. You'll leave me defenceless."

She did not look up from her parchment. He was not even sure if she'd heard him.

"Well, what am I supposed to do all day?"

She turned to a bookshelf and a book flew to his bed. He sighed as he read the title The Best Insects for Potions. How uninteresting, he thought, but opened the text anyway.

Again, at dinner, Pomfrey watched him eat nearly all his peasant, roast potatoes, peas and puddings. His glares did nothing to stop her gaze the entire meal. Finally, with a few bites left, he set his fork down. She frowned.

"If I eat more, I will puke."

"Are you intending to make yourself sick after eating?"

He clicked his tongue bitterly and let out a light hiss, "No. I told you I'm not interested in starving myself."

"Good." She moved the tray away. "After you digest some, you may take a shower."

"I don't need one."

"You look so. When did you last have one?"

Severus shrugged. "I dunno. A few days ago."

"A lad your age should be taking one at least every other day. Skipping basic hygiene will only make you feel worse. Before bed, you will smarten yourself up."

He did as told and managed a quick shower. As he got back into the bed, she handed him a potion.

"What's this," he grumbled. "More nutrient potion?"

"No." She spoke coolly. "But I'm sure you'll find it rather useful." She sat back down at her desk.

He was unsure if he liked her tone.

Sunday, 2 January

The woman from yesterday arrived an hour after lunch. She pulled a chair beside the bed his bed and had the desk pulled to her. She dipped her quill in ink and slowly turned her gaze to meet his.

"Name."

He grumbled to himself. "You should know my name."

"Answer the question. No back-talk is permitted." Her emotion never changed, and she remained stone-faced.

He groaned, "Severus Snape."

"Date of birth."

"January 9, 1960."

She scratched his responses on the parchment.

"Have you noticed any change in your ability for pleasure or interest within the last couple of weeks?"

"Uh, no." Truth, as he lost that some time before that.

"Have your friends made any claims about you seeming down lately?"

"Friends?"

She didn't respond to that and scratched on the parchment. He leaned forward to see what she was writing. No friends?

"I have a friend." He mumbled.

She scratched on the parchment again. One friend. At that she rolled it up so could not see.

"Has your appetite increased or decreased recently?"

"No." Truth again. His appetite had been poor all year.

More scratching.

"Your sleep. Sleeping too much or too little?"

"Neither. Depends on the day."

More scratching.

"Are you more tired than usual?"

"About the same." Also depended on the day.

"Is your energy lower than usual?"

"I don't know." How energetic was he supposed to be?

More scratching.

"Do you feel worthless or guilty?"

He grumbled to himself "Sometimes guilty."

"Do you know why you feel guilty?"

"Yes." He hissed.

She scratched on the parchment.

"Are you having any issues with concentration or thinking clearly?"

He nearly sighed with relief that she had not pressed on his guilt. "Not really."

"Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Doesn't everyone sometimes?"

Lots of scratching.

"Have you tried to harm yourself?"

He shrugged again. "I'm fine."

"Hmm," she scratched a lot on the parchment. "Do you think you'll harm yourself again?"

"I don't know. Probably not." He paused. "But I never said I did in the first place."

Deep scratches across the parchment.

"Do you think of harming anyone else?"

"If you mean desire to actually murder them, then no."

"Hmm," she said again and scratched on the parchment. "Do you wish to harm any of your classmates?"

"Only when they harm me first."

More scratching.

"Is there anything you'd like to discuss with me while I'm here?"

He glared at her with a stone-cold expression. "No."

She nodded and gathered her things. "That will be all today, Mr. Snape. I will return on Monday the 10th."

Later that Day

Lily entered the castle with Niamh and Carolyn. As they headed up to the tower, McGonagall cleared her throat behind them. The three turned to her.

"Hello, Professor McGonagall. Did you have a nice holiday?" Carolyn asked.

"I did, thank you Ms. Bisset." She turned to Lily. "Lily, may I speak with you a moment?"

Lily gulped and glanced down at the floor before she allowed herself to meet her teacher's eyes. She nodded and started to follow McGonagall. Lily turned her head to see her friend's eyes staring back curiously.

McGonagall lead her into her office and closed the door. "Lily, we really did not talk much before. You've avoided the discussion, but I think you know more than you are saying."

Lily raised her eyebrows, her forehead creased. "I'm sorry, Professor, I don't understand."

"About Mr. Snape, dear."

Lily's breath caught, "What about him? Is he okay?"

"Sit down."

Lily's heart skipped a beat and her mouth went dry. "What happened? Tell me he's fine."

McGonagall nodded. "He's fine."

Lily let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. You scared me."

"Lily, did you think Mr. Snape would harm himself?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Severus. Did you think he would hurt himself?"

Lily gulped so hard her throat burned. "Why-why would you ask that?"

McGonagall handed her a piece of parchment. "This appears to be for you."

She raised her brow and slowly opened it. It was her to him with her Christmas gift. Except there was something written underneath in his handwriting.

Lily,
I'm sorry I broke my promise.
Love,
Sev

Lily nearly gasped. "Where is he? You-you said he was okay." Her breath caught in her throat as it became laboured. "I have to find him!" She started for the door.

"Lily, stop, please. He's fine."

"How do you know that?" Her voice was desperate, and a lump formed in her throat. She bit her lower lip before it quivered.

"Please, sit down. I know he's fine. He's with Madam Pomfrey."

Lily let out a little gasp. "What? Is he hurt? I need to see him."

"Lily, please. I promise he's fine. I would like to have a talk with you before you seek him out."

She blinked back the dampness in her eyes.

"Lily? It's okay. He's fine for now. You seem to know what he meant by that note. Would you like to tell me what promise he broke to you?"

Lily still did not take a seat. "No." she spoke calmly as she attempted to clear her throat. "I need to see him. May I see him?"

Why? Why would you break that promise? You swore on your magic! You swore to me! She thought to herself and a flash of anger ran through her body. She wanted to slam her fist into the wall but sucked in her fleeting rage. Sadness raced inside of her at the same time. She knew she never should have left him alone. Not when he was still teetering as close to the edge as he was and not when he would be left all to himself for so long to ponder such thoughts.

"Perhaps later. He ought to be leaving the infirmary soon."

"What happened to him? Why's he in the infirmary? Is he sick? Hurt? Telling me he's fine doesn't tell me what happened!" She stopped herself short of yelling.

"That's why I wish to speak with you. You told Professor Slughorn and me before that a friend of yours, which we concluded was Mr. Snape, was wanting to harm himself. It's been a couple weeks since that conversation. The other day a fellow student found Mr. Snape in the bathroom rather cut up by some sort of spell. It appears he did it to himself. He was found with that bit of parchment in his hand. He's claiming it was an accident."

Lily could tell by her tone that she did not believe it was an accident. She didn't either.

"And he is fine now. Madam Pomfrey was able to fix the damage."

"Damage? How had was he hurt?"

McGonagall eased her shoulders. "Not enough to worry. It's the reasons that concern me."

Me too, Lily thought, but did not say it. "When did you say he will be leaving the infirmary?"

"He was likely just released or will be any moment."

"Why are you telling me this?" She narrowed her eyes at McGonagall.

"I know you and Mr. Snape have been talking. You, of all people, would know if something is going on with him."

Lily frowned. "I'm unwilling to discuss our conversations."

"I'm not asking you to provide such. I'm asking you to be his friend and being willing to let us know if there is any concern."

Lily folded her arms across her chest. "Shouldn't that be his choice to tell?"

"Not if he's threatening to harm himself or anyone else."

Lily sighed. "I've not heard him threaten to harm someone else. I mean, maybe when he's been bullied. But not recently."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Bullied?"

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh please. You know what I'm talking about. You all do." A fire suddenly rose in the pit of her stomach. "Not like anyone ever stopped them." She pivoted 180 degrees towards the door. "May I go?" She asked as she tossed the door open like a dirty rag and started to exit the room.

"Lily, I'm acutely aware of the hexing between Gryffindor and Slytherin. The two groups have been rivals for centuries…"

Lily gripped her right hand tight against the door and cocked her head McGonagall's direction. "The hexing?" She huffed. "But of course," she derided, "Boys will be boys, no?" At that, she exited the room and glanced down the hall to the portrait of the tower. A group of three fourth-year boys were entering it. She sighed to herself and started to amble down the stairs away from the tower. Once she was out of sight of the tower, she hurried the rest of the way down to the infirmary hoping to catch him before he left.

Upon seeing the empty infirmary, her heart sunk into her stomach. With everyone back from the holidays, it would be a waste of time to bother going down to the Slytherin dorms. She started towards the library when saw him strolling down the corridor.

"Severus!"

He paused at the sound of her voice and jerked his head her direction. Before he could do or say anything, she had caught up to him and he nearly lost his balance at her embrace.

"Are you okay?"

She was eyeing from his head to his feet and he raised his forehead. "Yeah, fine."

"Are you sure? I shouldn't have left you alone."

Tears had welled up in her eyes. He gulped. "It was fine. I'm sure you had a great time with your family."

"I'm sorry." A tear rolled down her cheek.

He blinked. "Sorry? For what? You didn't do anything."

"I knew it was a bad idea to go. You told me you'd be okay." She sniffed and her lips trembled. "You broke your promise." She spoke in an almost whisper. "You promised you wouldn't hurt yourself."

He gulped again. "What? How-"

"I saw the note." She mumbled.

"But how-"

"McGonagall." She wiped her tears with the back of her hand as some students entered the corridor and meandered past them.

The two fifth year Gryffindor boys paused as they recognized Lily. "Hey! What's he doing to you?"

Lily folded her arms across her chest. "Nothing. We're fine and having a private conversation."

"If he's hurting you-"

"She said it's a private conversation." Severus snarled at them.

"No one asked you, Snivy!" A boy just an inch shorter than Severus with sandy blonde hair wisped around his ears with a thick comb over spoke.

Lily grumbled to herself. "Sod off, Tate! He's not hurting me. Now leave us be!" She turned her attention back to Severus. "Let's go somewhere else." She uncrossed her arms and motioned her hand for Severus to follow her. He did with one sneer back at the two boys as they made their way to the library.

Once they were in the back corner of the nearly empty library alone, she put up a muffliato. "Tell me what happened. Please?" She choked on the last word.

He sighed, "I just was tired. I didn't think I'd die. I-I don't even think that was the point. I just-I need to," He avoided her eyes. "I had to feel something."

Lily took his hand. "What do you mean?"

"Pain was something to feel. I just wanted to feel something. Anything."

"You tried to hurt yourself to feel something?" She raised an eyebrow.

He nodded once. "I suppose so. I didn't want to die. I didn't kill myself."

"You could have though."

He shrugged. "Not likely. It is a disappointment though."

She raised her forehead, "What is?"

"Waking up." He admitted.

She gulped. "Why? Because you're still alive?"

He did not answer and instead glanced out the window at the numerous stars out on the unusually clear night.

Lily choked back the lump in her throat. "Surely there is something to make you happy."

"You." He said out loud without thinking and blushed. "I mean, as a friend." He cleared his throat. "Having you as a friend. That-that makes me happy."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Same. I just wish you didn't hate living so much. It can be good you know. Surely there are things you've yet to experience that you still want to?"

He paused a moment and then just shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. All of it seems unlikely. Don't see much of it happening."

"Keep your promise this time to not harm yourself. Maybe you will get the chance to experience the best of life." She smiled at him and he could not resist a tiny grin back.