DISCLAIMER: "Binan Koukou Chikyuu Bouei-bu LOVE!" ("Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE!") belongs to Kurari Umatani, Michiko Yokote and Diomedéa Studio, all rights reserved. No financial profit involved.
SUMMARY: Atsushi was a Battle Lover once; he fought aliens and the absence of love. Now, he has another battle to fight, but he feels useless. Loneliness takes its toll.
A story about dark times and the importance of not being alone even when loving means being apart.
NOTES: I've been writing this for a few weeks. I initially planned it to be short, just an outburst, but it grew a bit more. At first, I was quite unsure whether to post this, but I think that fanfictions are also a way to cope with hard times, such as any other artistic manifestations.
It has angst, but it also has humor, a bit of nonsense maybe, and shippy vibes. Perhaps it reflects my oscillations during all these days while writing it. I cried and laughed with this story, and it became something to hold on to when I was anxious. But I couldn't keep writing it indefinitely, so here it is.
English is not my native language and nobody revised this story, so I apologize for any mistakes or incongruences (involving the text itself or the plot).
I truly hope this story to give you some comfort.
FAR BEYOND THREE METERS
000
Atsushi was already tired.
He took a glance at the clock behind him, noticing that it was past 4 PM, and sighed for his twelve hours-shift wasn't as close to its end as it felt. Three more hours to go. Long, exhausting hours. He barely managed to eat something during his lunch break — so many samples to test, so many technical issues to solve, so many doctors calling him in the lab in order to urge the release of the test results into the hospital system.
He had just recently gotten his degree in Biomedical Sciences. Although he was eager to get a nice job soon, he had never expected it to be in such an emergency rush. He was summoned by the largest hospital in Binan in order to keep the service working during the sudden crisis that took place throughout the country — and the world.
Perhaps the right word to describe the whole situation would be "recruited", since it was almost like a war.
While testing sample after sample, Atsushi remembered his high school years. Using a ridiculous uniform, he and his friends had to fight a group of colleagues leaded by a green alien hedgehog and (without them knowing that) a flying alien fish to save Earth; after that, they had to face twin idols coming from outer space just to take away his friend's elder brother. After all that ruckus, eventually, they managed to befriend their former enemies and always ended up taking a nice bath together. Just like a high school anime of sorts.
Those were golden times when Atsushi, so naive, wasn't quite aware of the huge pain of the absence of love. Golden times when he could take his friends — and their hugs and laughter and nonsensical jokes — for granted.
He hadn't quite lost touch with his friends during college, but of course their meetings were not as frequent as during high school. Each one followed their own path, some of them — like Io and Akoya — even studying abroad and the Beppu twins engaged on their attempt of launching an international career. Still, they would always manage to reunite by Christmas or New Year festivities. On those occasions, they would laugh and bath at Kurotama while recalling the good old times of fighting for love and all those weird mottos Wombat liked to come up with.
They agreed that was really ridiculous, but it was fun in a way — spreading love into the hearts of hurt students was kind of heartwarming for themselves as well.
This time was different.
At first, social isolation didn't look like something so terrible to handle. Though being easygoing, he wasn't that extrovert after all, so staying home after work wasn't a sacrifice — actually, it was a blessed opportunity to rest. He wasn't used to physical contact either (at least not with the work acquaintances in his daily routine), so he didn't feel like missing the holding hands or close chitchat by the coffee machine.
As the days went by and the news grew darker, Atsushi finally understood that the crisis he was just starting to face would hurt him in a way he would never imagine.
Concern became fear. Fear of his parents getting the disease, fear of his newlywed sister getting pregnant and becoming part of the risk group. Fear of his friends getting sick and not being able to get proper treatment, especially Io and Akoya who were — each one on their own — in another country. Fear of being unable to help, of becoming one more victim or even worse, a burden.
Going to the hospital was like being inside a suspense movie of sorts. The city was almost deserted, few essential workers here and there. Silence. Emptiness. Even the days with blue skies seemed somber. He wasn't the only one immersed in fear.
He was glad that at least he was still living by himself in a small apartment near his former college. After graduation, he almost went back to his parents' house; now he definitely was grateful that it didn't happen back then, or he would put his family in danger. Also, it was close to the hospital, so he would take only a few minutes walking to work. He wouldn't need to see the phantasmagoric emptiness of downtown Binan every morning.
On the other hand, loneliness was bitter.
Getting through that dense atmosphere everyday, it was becoming harder to give his usual smiles, not only because of the masks.
He was craving for a hug. He wanted to feel the warmth of his friends' arms, to be reassured by their jokes and smiles and to smile back. He wouldn't even mind if he had to wear that ridiculous Battle Lover outfit again. But even so, he needed to be grateful for being away from them, since he wouldn't risk contaminating friends and family due to his work at the hospital…
But it hurt. Damn, that longing hurt so much.
Atsushi shook his head and tried to get back to focus. He had to dive again into his own little world of pipettes, lab glassware, eppendorfs and reagents; he had to pay attention to the telephone because the lab was short of staff and he had to answer to all those tense doctors and worried nurses; he had to call the already overloaded medical residents to urgently warn them that Mr. Takashita's troponin was above the normal range or Mrs. Fukuyama's newborn son had dangerous levels of potassium in his serum — perhaps his own little way of helping to save a life somehow.
During his shift, too many people passed by, too many dramas and anguishes summarized into an electronic medical record he had to consult before releasing an abnormal result to be sure that it was reliable and not the outcome of a defect in the laboratory flow. Sometimes he managed to recognize names here and there, patients in prolonged hospitalization whose tests arrived for him almost every day. He felt almost like he knew them.
For example, he remembered that little girl Sayaka who was hospitalized for a couple of weeks, entering and leaving Ped ICU as her respiratory condition changed. Her antibiogram had just come out, so he hurried to her medical record to check her whereabouts in the hospital and calling the doctor in charge of her case.
When the page loaded, he saw the black cross beside her name indicating death.
It was not the first time, but it always felt bitter, even though he had never seen Sayaka's face. It was an odd feeling that he was invading private matters and getting too involved in something that was none of his business.
Still, he had to move on. There were lots of exams needing resolution and maybe stories that could have a better outcome. Lots of names, diseases, accidents, surgeries, conditions — but the name of that virus always standing out, hunting him even though he was isolated in the lab, away from all those patients.
Being there, stucked at the lab, was some kind of privilege regarding working in healthcare, and by acknowledging that he felt selfish for being in suffering.
After all, he knew lots of doctors, nurses, even the cleaning staff — and he's always had a gentle smile for them — and he knew that they were the true forefront of that war, the ones who actually dealt with the patients and the disease. Their shifts were worse than his, for sure; they were more exposed, more exhausted, more demanded. What right did Atsushi have to be tired and melancholic? He was in such an easier position!
He wasn't even performing the specific tests for the virus — those tests, by the hospital's protocol, would be executed by more experienced staff. All Atsushi had to do was taking responsibility for the other exams, the usual lab tests the hospital couldn't neglect even during a pandemic.
Atsushi knew that his work was also important.
But he still felt useless nonetheless.
He still felt like he wasn't as collaborative as he had to be; like he was being too dramatic suffering whilst sitting in the lab while other people were running up and down the hospital corridors saving lives and suppressing the pain for the ones they couldn't manage to save.
He's always been the caretaker friend, and now that the whole world seemed to need his efforts, he was feeling like he was just a lurker.
He barely noticed when the clock finally hit his leaving time. Exhaustion, fear and guilt felt like an extra weight to carry along while he took out his lab coat and other protection equipments and got out of the hospital.
He was just getting to the sidewalk when his phone vibrated with a message.
Mom: How are things going, dear?
His mother usually texted him every night after his shifts — or every morning when Atsushi happened to work at night. Even though they were apart, his parents still worried about him stucking at the hospital.
Me: Everything is fine, mom. Just left the hospital, heading to the apartment now. Tired, but nothing that a nice bath and a warm meal can't heal. How about you?
Mom: We're fine too. Had the grocery store delivering things at home, cleaned every package. Did you have lunch?
Atsushi faltered, but he would never want to worry his mother for nothing. After all, he did eat something, so it wasn't really a lie...
Me: Yes, I did. Don't worry about me. Everything's doing fine, ok?
Mom: We're glad. Please eat well and rest. Your dad is sending you a hug, soon we'll be together again. Take care, we love you!
Me: Love you too!
Atsushi sent her a heart emoji and the conversation was finished. He took the opportunity to answer his sister's message — quite the same matter, just a few more emojis and jokes. Jokes that, deep down, could be considered funny, but the laugh he pretended at the textual conversation never made it to his real lips.
The group chat with his friends was unusually quiet those days — the last message, about noon, was a voice message from En without further replies. Atsushi would listen to it at home later; probably it was some kind of epiphany his friend usually had; he was always too lazy to type anything further than a couple of words at a time, so when he needed to vent out something he would always prefer a voice message.
Even so, the group was overall quiet. They used to share memes or talk about random stuff, but the current situation changed their topics of conversation a bit. They were now using it to exchange messages checking in on each other's health and updating the group about their situation — especially Io and Akoya, both on their last year of college in the US. Yumoto's and Ryuu's classes in Japan have been suspended as well.
Atsushi did take part on those conversations because he felt like it was his duty as the only healthcare professional among them who was able to discuss that issue properly. Atsushi shared a couple of informations regarding the disease and preventing them from fake news arising. Even so, he would never let them know how depressed he was. He always answered to Yumoto's cheerful goodmornings with a smiling emoji and tried to send soothing messages here and then. He wanted to make sure that his friends would be fine even though Atsushi himself wasn't nearly as fine as he pretended to be.
Day after day, the same routine: faking his usual good mood in order not to worry his family and friends about his real emotional struggles. It was quite easier to lie in writing, after all.
By the time he arrived his apartment, he had already pocketed his phone — just finished his daily dose of love.
000
After a shower, Atsushi prepared a sandwich for himself, not being in the mood for cooking. He was so tired… all he wanted was to slow down a bit in the couch, watch the news and then bury himself in his futon until his next shift. Curling on his small sofa, he just put his phone away and let his mind wander while the news were on.
Like every evening since the beginning of all that chaos, there was only one topic showing up at the TV screen, sinking into his ears and intoxicating his brain with more fear and anxiety.
"More news about the pandemic," said the nonchalant voice of the reporter, "The total number of infected is currently…"
Looking at the screen without actually paying attention to it, Atsushi took a few moments until realizing that his phone was vibrating on the coffee table next to him — he usually let it on vibrate during work and often forget to turn its sound back on. He lazily stretched an arm to catch it and adjusted his glasses while staring at the incoming call, blinking. A group call?
Atsushi settled on the couch, curious, and answered to the call.
"Geez, finally! You took forever to answer, what'ya doin'?"
Ryuu's voice sounded loud and clear, a grin in his face. And only then Atsushi recognized how much he missed his friend's grin.
"Ryuu… what…?"
But Ryuu was not the only one attending to that unusual conference.
"You're always so loud!", Akoya rolled his clear blue eyes to the camera.
"Atsushi-senpai!", Yumoto waved happily to the screen, "Can you see me? I can see you!"
"You don't need to call me 'senpai' anymore, you know," said Atsushi, but there was a faint smile on his lips. "You're almost a veterinarian by now!"
Atsushi couldn't hide a hint of pride in his voice. He was the one who helped Gora convincing Yumoto to pursuit a career in something the boy was passionate about — and an unexpected genius; not that working at the Kurotama was any demeaning, but Gora felt somewhat guilty that his little brother wanted to stay by his side. As a commitment, Yumoto said that he wanted to open a vet clinic beside Kurotama.
"But I like it!"
"I guess we kind of got used to it," Io said, "But please let us know if it bothers you."
"Well, not at all, but—"
"Hi, Atsushi," En's deep voice came in, "I won't call you 'senpai', but sometimes I wonder if I could call you 'At-chan'. Can I?"
"I thought you were more creative, Yufuin," Kinshirou's voice surprised Atsushi. He was also on that group call? And there he was… how much did Atsushi missed those eyes gazing at him…
"Hey, let's talk about something more pleasant," Akihiko said while Haruhiko nodded beside him. "We need to rehearse for tomorrow's live streaming in about fifteen minutes, so it would be nice to relax a bit instead of dealing with all your bickering!"
"Yeah, sometimes it's fun to watch but tonight we don't have much time to laugh about your love triangles involving Kinugawa…" Haruhiko backed his brother up.
"What are you saying? There is no such thing!"
While Kinshirou managed to scold the twins, his face almost shining in red, Atsushi was amazed at all that. They were all there… an online meeting of the former Battle Lovers, the Caerula Adamas and the Beppu twins. Almost like their usual meetings. His heart melted a bit out of nostalgia, and he managed to put his phone on a support over the coffee table to free his hands.
That was, at first, a pleasant surprise to be able to see them all. Still, that was unprecedented, and Atsushi started to get worried about the reason of that meeting.
"Um… did something happen? I mean, a video call so sudden..."
"En said that he wanted a group call with all of us tonight," Ibushi answered, and Atsushi tried to remember when the botanist started being in first-name basis with En. "So here we are. I thought that might be fun."
"He didn't tell me anything about that."
"I did, on the group today," En pointed out. "Voice message. You haven't listened to it yet, I checked."
"Eh…?" His eyes widened. "Oh, sorry! It's not like I was ignoring you or something, I was on my way home when I first saw your message and forgot to listen to it once I arrived. I'm really sorry!"
"Nothing to worry about, At-chan," En grinned at the screen and Atsushi could hear a soft huff from Kinshirou.
But he had more urgent matters to address.
"Is there something you need to tell us?" Atsushi couldn't help but worry. Was he sick? Did he need any financial aid? He had just gotten his degree in Psychology and probably was having trouble in getting clients during the pandemic, what if En's parents—
"Actually there is," En paused for a moment and Atsushi leaned a bit towards the phone, anxious. "Did you know that the Pythia of Delphi used to prophesy under the influence of hallucinogenic gases arising from the ground?"
Atsushi stared at the screen for a while, waiting for him to say anything else, but En just looked back as if waiting for any response. And it came, indeed, but from the person he would never expect it to come.
"Interesting," Kinshirou murmured, and Atsushi blinked out of astonishment. "But say, wouldn't those gases affect the querent as well?"
"I know, right?" En seemed delighted that someone got to the point he was trying to approach. "So, would the prophecies be not only the hallucinations from the Pythia but also the delusions of the other guys? I mean, someone could say 'Oh, that was the advice from the Oracle' but they never actually heard that advice, but rather made it out without even knowing that!"
"But didn't the querents stand in a different place?", Ibushi stepped in. "In that case, they wouldn't be affected by the gases…"
"Gases are volatile, I guess they could escape a bit unless the Pythia was standing in a hermetically enclosed space," Kinshirou turned thoughtfully. "What do you think, At-chan?"
"Eh?" Atsushi blinked again, surprised for being summoned into their conversation. 'Well… I guess I've never thought about that before, actually…" He smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "I think I need a bit more of elucidation on this matter. But," he added, as he didn't want to let his friends down, "I think I agree with you, Kin-chan. If we think about it, the Pythia would suffocate if she was locked away with all that gas…"
"That's fair enough," Ibushi smiled both at Atsushi's reply and at Kinshirou's beam in response to it; En nodded seeming quite satisfied with himself for some reason.
"What the hell are we talking about, actually?", Ryuu intervened, and Atsushi couldn't help but giggle.
"I have no idea, Ryuu, as always! That's En-chan for us!"
000
As the minutes went on, the conversation changed from the hallucinogenic gases to Ryuu's last live on Instagram, and then to Io's remarks on his new virtual business; then, it moved on to Yumoto's ramblings about the anatomy of a wombat, Aki and Haru remarking that Gora would be proud of his younger brother as soon as he stopped being so obsessed about wombats; and Akoya, as usual, complaining about all that nonsense while barely concealing an amused smile on his lips.
The Beppu twins, way too soon, had to say their goodbyes.
"We hope you can watch our live streaming tomorrow," Akihiko smiled at the screen. "We're going to present a brand new song! And we're getting donations for the families in need."
"Does 8 PM work for you, Kinugawa?", Haruhiko asked.
"I'll be already at home by 8, so that's no problem at all," Atsushi answered a bit puzzled by their interest on his attendance. "But you should probably ask Io and Akoya, since they're abroad…"
"It will be 7 AM here in New York," Io smiled. "Count me in."
"Oh, that's too early for me…" Akoya pouted a bit. "But okay, I think I can manage my schedule…"
"You can attend to their show while still moisturizing your hair, don't worry about that!" Ryuu teased him. Akoya rolled his eyes but didn't answer — that was really what he was planning to do, after all.
"Anyway, we'll be waiting for you guys. Yumoto, don't let Gora-san forget it, please!
"He would never!" Yumoto smiled reassuring them. "He is your number one fan, you know!"
"Good night, everyone!", the twins said in unison, waving to the screen and, with identical joyful smiles after Yumoto's response, they disconnected.
000
A new discussion started short after, but not as calm or philosophical as the first one. Akoya was talking about the partnership he started with Io, and Ryuu didn't like that much.
"Why, I would say you look jealous," Akoya twirled a strand of his light pink hair, smiling angelically. "I don't see the reason. We are not having fun at all studying Business together, after all… you know, I'm just doing this because of my family. But I must say," he added with a grin, "that your rants about it totally pay out the effort…"
"Oi, you—"
"Okay, that's enough," Io sighed. "We're not teenagers anymore. Let's all behave as adults. Akoya, as much as I value your companionship, Ryuu is dear to me and I miss him a lot. Ryuu, just because we're apart it doesn't mean that you lost me or something like that, but you should be happy for me because I'm being supported by an amazing friend here as well. I know you're working hard studying media and I'm so proud of you, as much as I'm proud of Akoya's skills in management. So could you guys please just get along well so I can appreciate both of you and your remarkable talents in peace?"
Both pink haired boys fell silent for a moment while Io remained with a slight blush on his face visible at the screen.
"Whoa, what was that about?", Yumoto tilted his head at Io's brutal honesty.
"Mmm… I'm trying to be surprised, but truth is I'm not surprised at all…" Atsushi mused.
"I… I guess… well, it's not like we don't get along," Ryuu muttered. "We do, it's just that it's kinda fun sometimes…"
"... And I must remember you that I was the one suggesting that Zaou could work on our future company," Akoya remarked, his eyes quite don't meeting the camera out of embarrassment.
"Wait, what?"
"Well, there is that," Io shrugged. "We are planning on launching a fashion business once we finish college and during my MBA, so we could use both my expertise and Akoya's talent on this matter. But we would probably need someone to deal with social media, advertisements and the such. You're soon to get your degree as well and… well, you're creative, always up to date and plus you're trustworthy."
"Oh, wow…" Ryuu was definitely surprised while Akoya couldn't even look back at the camera.
"W-well, I just thought… b-but of course, you would have to change these peasant manners of yours to keep up with our level, you know!"
"... I'm really flattered. Thank you, Gero." The soft voice showed how sincere was the smile on Ryuu's lips. "That would be really great."
The blush on Akoya's cheeks grew darker and he just muttered an excuse about having to go and disconnected.
"He's not ready yet," Io smiled apologetically.
"I guess me neither…" Ryuu scratched his head, still flushed. "But I'm really happy."
Atsushi smiled fondly at his former kouhais. Somehow he missed that kind of interaction. If all that conversation had happened by text, he wouldn't be able to spot their red faces or the way they gazed at each other, or all the feelings Akoya and Ryuu used to conceal behind their mutual written taunts.
"Kinshirou and I could be Akoya's best men," Ibushi smiled widely. "As for you two, please believe me that we do have you in great regard, but I think the Defense Club would like to take part at the ceremony as well…"
"W-what are you saying?" Ryuu gasped, Io hiding his red face in his hand.
"Are you implying that they're actually a polyamorous couple?" Kinshirou seemed a bit embarrassed, but then he paused, thoughtful. "Um, does the word 'couple' apply, though?"
"Polyamory is the best!" Yumoto beamed. "The more love, the better!"
At his statement, the others stared at the screen for a while, different levels of discomfort by hearing Yumoto talking like that.
"I guess… that's college life…?" Sounded Io, uncertain.
"They've taken our little kouhai's innocence away…" Ryuu stated, gloomy.
"What?" Yumoto tilted his head, but smiled again. "Actually, I've even wondered how would it be to marry all of you. I could cuddle one per day, so I would have cuddles for the whole week!"
Kinshirou and Ibushi looked abashed, but the former Defense Club — aside from a dreamy Yumoto — shivered reminding of a certain Valentine's Day and some spicy chocolates…
Ryuu laughed awkwardly. "Oookay, after that, I gotta go! Great to see you all, bye!"
"Um, I do have an online meeting in a few minutes, so I be better get ready for it…" Io averted his gaze from the phone. "I'm glad we met, though. We should do this more often. Good night for you all…" And, with a slight nod, he disconnected too.
"That was fast," said Yumoto, apparently unaware of the cause of the two of them running away.
A few moments of silence. Atsushi sighed and was about to say his own goodbyes when Ibushi interrupted him. Atsushi didn't know exactly why, but the had a slight impression that the botanist had done it on purpose.
"It's getting a bit late for you as well, Yumoto-kun," Ibushi smiled gently despite the previous embarrassment. "As I recall, you're having online classes, right? You should rest so you don't oversleep tomorrow."
Yumoto pouted but nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I didn't want to, but you must be right… anyway, tonight was really fun! Let's do this again soon!" He paused, looking somewhere else before turning to the camera again. "An-chan is sending a hug! He was about to call me to sleep, too… see, you were really right, Ibu-chan-senpai!"
"Sleep tight, Yumoto," Atsushi said softly. No matter how embarrassing that last conversation had been, he was still very fond of his kouhai.
"And try not to dream about having seven husbands any soon," En added, frowning. With a chuckle, Yumoto waved and disconnected.
"That was unnecessary, En-chan," Atsushi remarked. "Now he won't forget about that…"
"Isn't it cute, though?" En turned. "He thinks that getting married means cuddling all day. If college really had corrupted him, he would probably imagine all of us doing—"
"We. Don't. Need. To talk about that anymore," Kinshirou cut him coldly.
Ibushi looked thoughtful for a while before speaking again. "I would better go as well. I'm remodeling my garden and my chores start early. Despite the eccentric topics… or maybe because of them… well, this was a pleasant evening. This was a really good idea, En. I hope we can meet again this way soon, maybe even turn it into a habit? I feel like I was missing this type of interaction…" Ibushi smiled gently. "Thank you for that. Good night!"
"Sleep tight," Kinshirou smiled back. Atsushi had the subtile impression of Ibushi winking discreetly at them before disconnecting.
000
Since most of them had already left, Atsushi thought it would be better for him to go as well. Even though it wasn't late yet — it was barely 8:30 — he would have to work next morning, after all. Once again, though, he got interrupted before verbalizing his departure.
"Did you know…" En started, and Atsushi waited for one more random topic (hopefully nothing about orgies or stuff he had been about to say before Kinshirou blessedly interrupting him). "That there is a free service of psychological support aimed at healthcare workers?"
Atsushi blinked at the sudden matter. "Um… yeah, I heard. I think you've posted something about that in the group chat."
"I did. I even volunteered to work at this project. At first I thought it would be a pain in the ass, you know, but as it turned out… it's been nice."
Atsushi felt a wave of pride for his friend and smiled. "That's really great, En-chan!"
"Yeah. I mean, I finally feel I can help someone in all this fuss, you know? It feels nice."
"I'm happy for you."
"Good. And have you been using our service?"
Atsushi faltered and adjusted his glasses on his nose before coming up with a proper answer. "Actually… um, no. I mean, that wouldn't be right to occupy a psychologist that otherwise could be helping someone more in need," he gestured nervously. I'm fine and there are other professionals who face more difficulties and deal directly with the pandemic, so—"
"I figured. That's our Atsushi, always putting other people's needs above himself and pretending to be fine because he's afraid of being a burden."
Atsushi flinched slightly. En's gaze was abnormally serious.
"You see, that's why I wanted this call," En said. "I needed to see you. You can lie all over the texts you send us, but I know you. I wish I could help you as a psychologist, but I would be biased because of our relationship, so I'm doing my best to help you as a friend. You're falling into a trap. Please, get some help. Please."
Atsushi bit his lip. En saying "please" in that serious tone of voice was something hard to handle. He felt bad for worrying him that much, but that poisonous thought of not deserving help was still there.
"I— I don't have the right to be bad. I'm not treating any patient. I'm not a healthcare hero or something. You're doing something amazing, really, but I'm not as important as you. It's selfish to seek attention while there are so many out there suffering more than me…"
"You're not important, you say? You've been working every day and many nights to help the others! You've been doing your part! You're working hard and you take the responsibility for spreading information among people who don't have your expertise. You're always trying to cheer us up even being the one really needing to be cherished. That's a heavy burden over your shoulders. You don't need to carry it alone. Actually, you shouldn't!" En sighed. "No pain is worthless. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be taken care of."
Atsushi gulped. "These words are so unlike you." And, coming to think of it, it felt like En had been preparing all that discourse in advance. Was that confrontation actually planned by him?
"Well, I did attend to a Psychology school, after all," En shrugged, this time a very En-like gesture. "And I guess we all grow up eventually, or at least change our manners a bit to fit. Still, roots remain. Or the feelings, I mean." He paused. "Man, that was really gay. Good thing Ryuu is gone by now, it would be a pain."
The sudden banter caught Atsushi by surprise and he let go a trembling chuckle. Same old En.
En's voice grew softly. "I'm really glad I got to talk to you about this, Atsushi. And glad I got to see you as well. Now I'm sure that we need to meet more often like this, and talk some shit — even if it's something cute and gay, really, but we'll need to wait Ryuu and Yumoto to leave — , and laugh together. And we need to watch those two singing tomorrow. Keep in touch, 'kay?"
Atsushi nodded and En finally smiled. "Good. Well, gotta go. I hope next time you'll be able to tell me that you've finally getting help at our platform, those guys are nice. Whoever gets to meet you, I'm sure you'll like them. Good night, sleep tight…"
En waved, seeming somewhat relieved, and disconnected.
000
Atsushi bowed his head for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to reorganize his own thoughts. Each word from En was still sinking in and, as grateful as he was for having such a wonderful friend, it was still painful as hell.
"At-chan."
The gentle calling made him look back at the screen. Atsushi tried to chuckle, his own voice seeming more melancholic than he would like it to be. "That must have been tough to hear. I'm sorry."
"Yufuin is right, you know."
Once upon a time, Atsushi would totally believe that Kinshirou would never say that aloud in front (even virtually speaking) of En and would just wait for him to leave before verbalizing his unexpected approval. However, that evening felt different. Even though they still had their usual bickerings, he now had the clear sensation that Kinshirou somehow knew En's intentions behind that call. Recalling the comments Kinshirou had made throughout the meeting and the way he always tried to step in even when the topics were too weird or salty, Atsushi concluded that not only he knew about that but even did his best to keep up the conversation as long as possible. Or, at least, until En could be able to talk frankly to Atsushi.
For some reason, details of the conversation made much more sense now — his attempts of bringing Atsushi to participate into the conversations, the twins wanting him in particular to attend to their streaming, Ibushi dismissing Yumoto and departing short after, once he realized that only En and Kinshirou remained online with him.
He wanted to be angry at them for, perhaps, talking behind his back. But he found out he couldn't.
"How are you feeling?" Kinshirou's voice was soft.
"I'm… I'm fine. Even though it feels like you've been talking behind my back somehow…" He smiled faintly. "Tonight was fun."
"I see. I had fun as well. But I would like to ask you again: how are you feeling?"
His voice was tender, but he enunciated each word carefully, intending to convey the real meaning of his question.
"I feel…" Atsushi felt a knot in his throat and tried to fight against it. "I'm… you know… all this stuff going on… I'm kind of tired, I guess..."
Kinshirou just nodded at him from the screen; however, he didn't say a word. He just kept watching while Atsushi's lips started to tremble.
That silence was unnerving and Atsushi wanted to interrupt it at all costs, but he felt that any word escaping from his mouth would be the last straw. His eyes wandered, finding it difficult to sustain the intensity of that green gaze. Eventually, though, their eyes would meet once again, since they couldn't be afar for too long. During one of those moments, Kinshirou simply nodded again, reassuring him with a soft expression.
And then, Atsushi broke.
"I'm… I'm so scared!" His voice was trembling with repressed pain, his hands grabbing his own hair. "I c-can't… help it… I worry about each one of you… and I'm so afraid and I feel so weak because I'm not even… I don't have the right to suffer this way and still—"
Deep inside, he really wanted Kinshirou to interrupt him by saying something, anything, so he could stop talking, but that didn't happen. Instead, his childhood friend stayed there, silent, and Atsushi couldn't help it but vent off everything he was concealing behind his smiles and texts, everything the tried to hide from his beloved ones — all his insecurities and somber thoughts. He talked about the nightmares and the loneliness, and the suffocating impression of walking through a deserted Binan every morning and having to pass through the dark, heavy-aired corridors of the hospital before reaching the lab, and the technicians talking about more cases of that disease among patients and workers, and more deaths, and more pain. He confessed all of his fears and his lies, his desperate attempts of not worrying anyone because he loved them so much that he couldn't even cope with the idea of hurting them in any way. And he kept talking feverishly despite of his almost closed throat because all those feelings were suddenly unleashed like a furious ocean of tears breaking through a dyke, and he didn't have any energy left to try to hold them back.
Eventually, he couldn't manage to articulate coherent words and gave up to pained sobs, his body shaking violently. He couldn't recall whether he had ever cried like that before. He couldn't even see the phone screen anymore, as he was blinded by the copious tears still streaming down his brown eyes, so he gave up on trying to sustain Kinshirou's gaze and hid his face in his trembling hands.
He wasn't aware of how long he was like that, collapsing on the couch. Some minutes went by, his cry gradually calming down. Atsushi took a deep breath, shuddering. He felt a strange vacuum into his chest, like he was missing a big weight he had been carrying in there throughout all those past weeks.
He took off his glasses to wipe up the tears and heard a soft weeping coming from the phone. As he put back his lenses, he saw Kinshirou still crying quietly, but smiling tenderly at the sight of a calmer Atsushi.
"How are you feeling?", Kinshirou's whisper was barely audible.
"Empty."
"That's good. You can be filled with love, now."
And, even though he still felt guilty for Kinshirou's tears, there it was — a different, warmer sensation spreading through his chest as those words sank in, and a slight heat blossoming on his cheeks.
"I — I guess. I'm sorry, Kin-chan, I didn't want to make you cry…"
"That's fine, At-chan. I've been learning for all these years that holding back my feelings will only hurt me more. That's something I would like you to keep in mind as well. Although…" He hesitated. "Although seeing you cry was so painful, that was something you needed to do. I cried along because I wanted so bad to hold you and steal your pain away that I —" Kinshirou shook his head slowly. "I just want you to know that I'm always here for you. We can laugh together, and we can cry together as well. Don't hold yourself back, please… at least, not with me."
"Thank you, Kin-chan. You're… you're dealing with all this chaos is a great manner. I'm proud of you."
"Make no mistake, I'm struggling," Kinshirou turned. "We're all struggling and I felt, too, like I was being selfish and spoiled by suffering, since I do have my privileges. But we're human, after all. In this crisis, I'm doing what I can to help people, mostly financially, but each one of us have different tools and abilities to contribute with. I'm doing my best from home, you're doing your best at the lab. I'm so proud of you."
Atsushi gulped, trying not to start crying again. He tried to dismiss that emotion by changing the subject a bit. "Seems like you've been talking to En-chan."
"Um, we hadn't talked that much," Kinshirou sounded somewhat apologetical. "But I must confess that I was having a bad feeling about you and — it was mostly out of impulse in the middle of the night — I couldn't help texting him for help. He would understand. As he did."
"About the twins asking me to watch their streaming? And Ibushi leaving me to talk to you…?"
"I believe that the Beppu twins must had worried about your schedule, since you're not confined at home. As for Ibushi… he and Akoya know me too well. I talked to them about my worries, just that. Ibushi is quite perceptive on his own. And, of course, he worries as well. He likes you a lot, you know."
Atsushi nodded, feeling a wave of gratitude towards his friends, especially Ibushi, En and Kinshirou. "It's a funny thing… for some reason, I feel like coming out of a Love Shower or Love Fountain right now…"
"I'm glad," Kinshirou answered, smiling at him.
"But I'm still sorry for worrying you all."
"Don't be. You're my — you're our At-chan," Kinshirou interrupted himself, blushing a little. "We care about you as much as you care about us. Do keep that in mind."
"I miss you so much."
His voice came out as a sudden whisper, and even Kinshirou blinked at that. Still, for some reason Atsushi felt like he shouldn't hold back those words anymore. He had to make sure to say that aloud before that call was ended, before he had to leave again, before he had to return to a harsh, physical reality without all that love.
"I miss you so much it hurts," Atsushi repeated. "It hurts to be apart again. I miss the baths, and the tea parties, and the reading sessions… I miss the way you're always making everything work perfectly and the face you make when En-chan is testing my patience on purpose. I miss the way you care about people even though most times you feel too shy to show that. I miss the way the stars shine more brightly when I'm watching them with you. I miss those moments when we remember our childhood during stargaze and you squeeze my hand just like we used to do, your hand always soft and gentle, and I feel special because I know you're not very fond of physical contact but you make me an exception. I miss your scent, and why on Earth am I telling you such embarrassing things?"
Those words came up as easily as an unstoppable airflow coming from his own depths; after his breakdown, it became easier to verbalize each feeling as it blossomed. Even though his last words were followed by an awkward giggle, his voice was loaded with longing and all the love he had repressed for so long. Atsushi felt his cheeks flush and his eyes burn, and he did his best not to cry again. But that needed to be said — who knew when it would be too late?
"I miss you too," the answer was a gentle breeze scented with fondness, and Atsushi wondered whether Kinshirou was in the same condition. "I miss your laugh, and the face you make when Yufuin and I are arguing over whatever it may be. I miss that fresh scent on your skin after Kurotama. I miss every dish you have ever cooked for me, especially that sweet curry you made just for me and made me feel so happy and special because you wanted me to share your passion for curry somehow. I miss the way you show me the beauty and value of small, everyday things, and the importance of relaxing a bit and enjoy pleasant moments without worrying about rules or duties. I miss the way your eyes shine when you're happy and the way your smile brighten everything around, even more than the stars we watch together. I miss your hand holding mine. I miss your warmth, At-chan."
Kinshirou's eyes were trembling with emotion and he seemed almost on the verge of tears once more. However, he sustained his gaze fiercely, conveying as much feelings as he could, and Atsushi unconsciously reached out a hand towards his phone, a deep urge to caress that beautiful face and hug his endeared friend until everything was fine again. More fresh tears rolled down his own cheeks but Atsushi didn't mind.
"I shall warn you about this," Kinshirou went on, a sudden burst of determination shining upon his emerald gaze. His voice was a bit lower and solemn, like he was doing his best to keep talking despite of all those emotions bubbling around. "When all this nightmare is over, I will be by your doorstep the morning right after. I honestly don't care what we will be doing the whole day, only that I will be hugging you so tightly that we should probably stay at your place because we won't be able to walk around. And Yufuin will have to find a different position when he tries to hang himself on your shoulders because I won't move an inch. I will never miss your warmth anymore. Nor will you ever miss my — my scent anymore," he finished, and by the end of his last sentence Kinshirou was blatantly red.
As Kinshirou finally averted his eyes, pretty much embarrassed by his own unexpected boldness, Atsushi could only smirk. "I will be looking forward to that."
"You better be!"
Both chuckled.
Atsushi felt like he could be there all night, silently staring at that lovely face. Yet, he had to work next morning, so he really had to sleep soon. His disappointment over that thought must had been showing on his face because Kinshirou said, "It's getting late. I would love to stay here all night long with you, but I'm afraid you have to work tomorrow and need to rest. I'm glad that we could talk honestly to each other."
Out of an impulse, though, Atsushi blurted out, "Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?"
Kinshirou blinked, confused. "What do you mean? Are we allowed…?"
Atsushi was blushing hard, but he felt the need of at least compensate a bit of all those sweet promises Kinshirou verbalized. "We'll use the TV to watch the VEPPer's streaming, so our phones will be free. And I'll call you and we can chat and eat together while watching their show. What do you think?"
It vaguely felt like he was asking him on a date or something…? Atsushi wondered for a moment if he went too carried away by their previous conversation. He was almost taking that suggestion down...
However, the way Kinshirou beamed at that proposition was so bright that Atsushi had the impression that the screen had changed its configurations by itself. "That would be great! Yes, yes, let's do that! Thank you for inviting me…!"
As Atsushi smiled back and then repressed a yawn, Kinshirou's delighted expression turned into a caring one. "Don't try to fool me, I saw that. Go to sleep, At-chan. We can talk more tomorrow at our dinner."
"O-our dinner…" Atsushi smiled shyly. "Okay, then! See you tomorrow. Take care of yourself, please."
"I will. Take care of yourself, too. And I mean it not only about the virus, right? I can't believe I'm about to say this after all these years, but do follow En's advice. Please."
"... You called him 'En'."
"... No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did!" Atsushi was delighted. "Oh my God, what's going on?"
"Fine, it must had slipped. I must draw the line at 'En-chan', though. And don't you dare saying anything about this to Yufuin!"
"It's our secret. But I'm glad you've come to appreciate him a bit more, really."
"He cares a lot about you," Kinshirou muttered. "That's something I must value and stand for."
"I'm sure he does feel the same about you. Well, after this surprise, I guess I can't step back…" Atsushi was really grateful for his friends' efforts. "I will contact that project right now, before I go to bed. I want to be strong for you all."
"Now that's good news," Kinshirou smiled fondly. "I'm proud of you. Tell me everything tomorrow, then. Good night, At-chan, sleep tight."
"Good night, Kin-chan… have nice dreams!"
And then, still smiling at the screen and with wet, pink cheeks, Kinshirou disconnected as well.
000
As the call was finally ended, Atsushi blinked a few times, like he was waking up from a pleasant dream. The TV was still on and the news were the same dark cloud as they always had been since the beginning of that crisis.
He turned it off, not in the mood for diving again into that. He searched for En's post about the psychology service — he didn't want to lose the courage arisen from the call. He didn't have to search long, though; as it turned out, En resent the post with all the information on their private chat soon after he left the call earlier.
After a while accessing the service's website, he took the time to send En a reply.
- Thank you so much for everything. I want you to know that I'm on their website right now. I'm chatting a bit with the attendant before I go to bed and I'm scheduling an appointment for tomorrow.
As he changed into his pajamas and ended his first appointment with the psychologist in charge of the chat, Atsushi was replaying everything that had happened earlier — the jokes, the laughs, the awkwardness, the honest conversations. Maybe that was the feeling the monsters had after being saved by the Battle Lovers. During the past weeks, he had been living in a cold, dark world and he couldn't properly remember what it was like to love and be loved back… and then he was suddenly immersed in a fountain of fondness, feeling gentle sprinkles of affection shower down his skin. And the world looks like getting its colors back, and tomorrow isn't the dull continuation of a gloomy today, but something to look forward to.
One day at a time, he would have to keep fighting for the day after, and all those promises of new hugs and hanging outs. He needed to keep fighting for Mr. Takashita and Mrs. Fukuyama's baby; for his family who loved him as much as he loved them; for his friends who would never give up on him.
For Kinshirou and the promise of a whole day in his arms.
He lay in the bed and reached out to the bedside table, opening its drawer and grabbing a small object — his old Lovracelet that opened free from his wrist right after Wombat's departure but was still there, reminding him of cheesy lines and ridiculous outfits. Its green heart seemed to glow gently under the lampshade light.
He put the object down and was setting his alarm clock when the phone received a notification — En had just replied.
En-chan: Great, I'm glad
Kinshirou was worried too
Me: … You just called Kin-chan "Kinshirou"
En-chan: Nope I didn't
Shit I did
Nevermind
Still, he's a good guy and (has a HUGE crush on you) cares A LOT about you, I can respect that
(Don't tell him, he'll kill me)
But I gotta call him Kin-chan one day to his face, his reaction when I called you At-chan was cute
Atsushi chuckled, a bit flushed.
Me: I guess you two will get along soon
Must go, it's getting late. Good night, En-chan, sleep tight!
En-chan: Night At-chan
Proud of you
Keep fighting
We got your back
Atsushi felt his heart warm. He put his phone down and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the next day and the challenges he would have to face — but also for the pleasant night following that.
Instead of nightmares, his sleep was wrapped in sweet memories of laughs, smiles and starry skies.
Ending notes:
From the first time I saw Atsushi's photo on episode 9 (season 1), I started imagining him as a scientist (or a biomedical scientist, or a pharmacist?), so it quite fitted into the story. I don't usually see him being depicted like that in fandom, though. I may have committed some incongruences regarding hospital labs in Japan, but I must confess that I didn't take much time researching about that. Please take it as a "poetic license" of sorts.
As for En being a psychologist, I'm not sure of where did this come from... well, that would be a surprising career choice for him, I suppose, but I also wonder whether he would also enjoy learning about how people "work". But I don't see him passionate about that either.
I was unsure about putting Yumoto at a college since he wanted so much to work at Kurotama, and Business is so UNLIKE him (even though he is so good with Math). But rewatching the first episode and seeing him speaking of wombats so technically I thought, "Well, that would suit him" and that's it.
I hope you liked this fanfic, or at least I hope it helped you spend some time. It's a bit painful to be apart from the hugs of people we love. Today is Mothers' Day here in Brazil (and many other countries, I guess), and not being able to hug and kiss my mother to preserve her health hurts. My birthday is coming too (May 16th) and it will probably be the most melancholic I've ever had. But still, it's for the best, and we have other ways of conveying affection. This is what I tried to show here.
Wherever you are, please stay safe! Think about your health and the others' as well by following the instructions from the health authorities in your location. And don't neglect your mental health! Save some time for your hobbies, don't lose touch to people you love even online. If you need and you can, seek for psychological support. You're important!
We're all fighting the way we can. Some of us are fighting in the hospitals and essential services; some of us are helping by staying home as much as they can to stop spreading the disease. Either way, we are not fighting alone. Our lives matter!
Thank you for reading this. Please take care of yourself!
Lune Kuruta (May 10th, 2020).