I do not own Harry Potter.
Enjoy!
Elves, pranksters and stinky toothpicks
After nearly thirty years in Hogwarts, as both student and teacher, Professor Snape had come to expect anything, but coming face to face with a House Elf sitting on his bed – his bed! – was something new.
"I'll give you two seconds to get out of here," he snarled threateningly at the little creature.
The elf looked at him with her big brown eyes, then lift a long, crooked finger to her lips "Shhhh", she said, "Severus Snape must be quiet. Others can hear."
Snape scowled at her. "You're in my damned bedroom," he pointed out, "and you know I don't condone intrusions in my private areas."
"Plikka knows," said the elf as she jumped off the bed, "but Plikka needed to speak to the Professor privately. Alone. Very dangerous. Very secret."
Snape considered for a moment. Plikka. She was the oldest elf among those who worked at Hogwarts, she was kind of their boss. Anyway, elves' matriarchy was not his business. What he knew for certain, was that Plikka was the kitchens manager and practically never left her workplace. If she had come to meet him something serious was most certainly going on.
"Very well," he said, "can we talk about it in my office?"
"No, no!" Plikka exclaimed, "Too dangerous!"
"You're starting to get on my nerves Plikka," the professor warned her, "tell me whatever you need to tell me and get the hell out of here!"
The elf recoiled, frightened by the Potions Master's ominous figure. But that only persuaded her even more she had done the right thing contacting him. She started playing with her fingers.
"The woman in pink," said the elf softly, "she comes to the kitchens. She looks. Judges. Peers".
Oh, great! Snape thought, now Umbridge had started annoying the elves too. "What does she want?" he asked.
"She always comes with a notebook," replied the elf, "she writes. But she doesn't ask questions. She has an ugly face. Elves don't like her. One evening ..." she sobbed, "one evening she... she... kicked... "
"Kicked? Who?" Snape asked.
"Winky, sir. Poor, poor Winky" replied Plikka.
Winky. Snape thought. Wasn't it Crouch's elf?
"Dobby got mad, sir," continued Plikka, "he said 'Miss has to leave Winky alone! Winky is a good elf! Miss must not come here to beat the elves!"
That elf, Dobby, deserved respect, however his antagonism toward Umbridge could only bring nothing but more trouble.
"The pink lady got angry," said Plikka. Just as he thought: more trouble. " 'How dare you!' she yelled at him. 'How dare you speak to the High Inquisitor like this! Stupid disgusting creature' – she said so sir, exact words – 'stupid disgusting creature' ".
"Did it end there?" Snape asked, but he already knew the answer.
"Wish it did, sir! Wish it did"
"What else happened?"
The elf stopped playing with her long tapered fingers to focus on one of her big bat ears.
"Another day... she came in with her notebook... she asked for attention and she said... she said..."
By this time, Snape knew things had gotten really serious. "What did she say?" he asked.
" 'I find it inadmissible'," said Plikka, quoting Umbridge, " 'for House Elves to receive any kind of salary. Since the Dark Age, House Elves have been the most basic workforce of the Wizarding World. They should be grateful to have food and somewhere to sleep! Let me be clear: I will not allow this waste of money to continue. I will visit for further inspections' ".
Snape felt the blood boil in his veins. "She can't take your pay away. The economic management of the school falls on the Headmaster, not the Ministry", he said. It wasn't entirely true, but he needed to reassure her.
"Yes," said Plikka, two big tears shone in her eyes, "but she keeps coming. She insults us. She scares us. She wishes evil to us", she pulled out a large pink handkerchief from her clothes and blew her nose.
"Please, Severus Snape sir" she pleaded with huge wet eyes, "please send her away."
"I would, Plikka, but I suggest you talk to the Headmaster," Snape told her, "he has the authority to keep her from bothering you further, I don't."
"Albus Dumbledore is a great man," said Plikka, "a great man, but you... you are much more scarier. You can send her away. Please send her away! "
Snape sighed. "All right" Plikka squeaked enthusiastically, "I'll see what I can do. Now get lost! " he ordered her.
The elf leapt happily towards him and encircled his knees with her long bony arms. "Thank you thank you thank you" she squeaked, "Severus Snape loves elves. Severus Snape is our champion!".
With no small effort, Snape managed to free himself from the little creature's embrace. Plikka looked at him one last time, her eyes full of joy and gratitude, then vanished with a crack.
Snape dropped onto the bed pondering what he had just gotten into and how to fulfill his promise.
"Have you found the oven yet?"
"No. It's pitch dark down here".
"Want me to shed some light?"
"No. They'll find out!"
"Seriously Fred! They asked for our help in the first place!"
"Ouch!"
"What happened?"
"I bumped into something"
At that moment a strong white light lit up above their heads, filling the deserted kitchen with a bluish glow.
That's it, the twins thought, Umbridge had caught them. It was going so well...
"Weasley... and Weasley. I should have known" said a silky, deep voice. It wasn't Umbridge.
The twins, on all fours, looked up.
"Get up you animals," snarled Professor Snape. As they looked at him from the ground, the white light of his wand illuminating his gaunt face, they thought the professor seemed even more frightening than usual. The two boys glanced quickly at each other, then got up and hastily wiped their trousers.
"What the hell are you doing down here, Weasleys?" Snape asked them. He kept his voice very low, as if he didn't want to make his presence known either. A detail the two clever twins didn't miss.
"We could ask you the same thing..." said George.
"... but we won't ..." continued Fred.
"... or you'll take even more points from us", concluded George.
Snape looked at them raising an eyebrow.
"That's for sure," he commented.
"Can you turn off the light, please?" Fred whispered.
Snape barely lowered his wand.
"I'll give you five seconds to confess or you'll end up in detention until next year," he threatened.
The twins looked at each other again, then in tacit agreement, they said in unison: "We were hired for a secret mission."
"Most secret" Fred emphasized. George leaned forward and whispered in the teacher's ear: "Anti-Umbridge".
Snape looked at him sideways for a second, then nodded to them: "Out." he said.
The twins were disappointed, for a moment they thought that by naming Umbridge, Snape would come to their side. No teacher loved that bitch. Nobody. Snape made no exception, right?
"In my office. Move".
But obviously he did. Slimy bat.
"Inside" Snape pushed them inside the room with very little kindness.
The two brothers sighed. Here they were again, standing in front of a teacher, waiting for their undeserved punishment. They were starting to get tired of living the same moments all over again.
Snape closed the door behind them, then walked around and stood in front of them, his arms crossed over his chest. Tipical Severus Snape stance, the Weasleys thought. He should register it.
"You just made Gryffindor lose ten points, and you got punishment with me until next Thursday. Now, what were you doing in the kitchens at two in the morning?", he asked menacingly.
"We told you. We were on a mission," said Fred.
"On whose behalf?"
"He'll never believe it," George whispered in his brother's ear.
"Besides, we promised not to tell," said Fred.
"We promised not to tell," George nodded.
"Have you finished whispering to each other like two parrots in love?" Snape reproached them. "So?"
"It's confidential," said the twins.
Snape's face grew darker, if possible.
"I warn you," he threatened, "I don't have time to waste on your stupid tricks."
The two boys put their hands over their hearts. "On our honor," they said, "we can't reveal our client's name."
"We promised," said Fred.
"But rest assured, sir, it was for a just cause," added George.
"We will accept any punishment knowing that our intentions were pure," said Fred and both bowed their heads.
Snape rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. What was this mission about?" he asked.
The twins raised their ginger heads and looked him in the eyes.
"We were told that the Toad..."
"Professor Toad" corrected Snape. The two exchanged a furtive glance. Perhaps Snape was not so much an exception…
"Professor Toad" continued George "has recently taken the unhealthy habit of visiting the kitchens".
"We won't go into the merits," said Fred, "but our client has every interest in making this end."
"Our job was therefore to make sure an accident happen to Umbridge on her next visit"
"Nothing gory... just a prank to dissuade her from nosing around" Fred winked.
"We had nearly everything planned out," said George.
"But then you caught us," said Fred.
The twins noticed that the professor wasn't frowning any more, he looked interested. Good sign, they thought.
"Your," said Snape and sneered, "client, are they a school employee?"
George shrugged, "Guess you can say so. Yes".
"Working in the kitchens?"
"This is confidential" said Fred.
Snape scoffed.
"As it happens, I was recently contacted by some kitchen workers who complained about Umbridge's ongoing meddling and harassment. Looks like recently the House Elves has become her new target" as he said so, he slowly walked around the desk and sat down behind it.
"Does this sound familiar to you?" he asked, looking closely at the two boys. The twins looked at each other, their mouths wide open.
"Have you lost your tongue? I asked you a question", said Snape coldly.
"Forgive us, professor ..."
"... but we had no idea our client ..."
"... had contacted you too."
"Did you think yourselves to be the only ones here at school who can give Umbridge a hard time?" Snape said.
The twins looked at each other again. Things had taken an unexpected bent. This was good. Very very good.
"Well, no but" said Fred, "given the seriousness of the issue, we thought that maybe the elves had complained - "
"Rightly so," said George.
"Rightly so" Fred agreed, " - with the Headmaster."
"The Headmaster has his hands tied, with the Ministry involved. Also, the elf chief of the kitchens, Plikka, seemed to be of the opinion that I was more intimidating than him," said Snape.
"I can concur," George whispered in his brother's ear.
"Is that why you were down in the kitchens too, sir?" Fred asked.
"Plikka asked me to get rid of Umbridge on her behalf," Snape nodded.
"An elf named Dobby came to us," said George. There was no reason now to be secretive about Dobby anymore. Looked like Snape was in the same boat.
"Dobby?" Snape repeated, "That elf is a little too resourceful for his own good".
"He's a friend of Harry's," said Fred.
Snape scoffed. "Of course. That would explain a lot of things…" he commented.
"He said horrible things about Umbridge" said Fred.
"He tugged at our heartstrings" added George.
"Pity he didn't take them out", Snape said, "What was your plan to help the elves?"
George ran a hand through his red hair, messing it up. "Ah," he said, hesitant, "we thought of enchanting the oven."
Snape raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. He conjured two chairs with a flick of his hand and pointed them out to the twins.
"Sit down" he said, "and explain".
The two brothers didn't know what to think. Was Severus Snape offering them his help? Was he really? Or was it just a ruse to get them expelled once and for all? On the other hand, however, the elves had asked him for help too, that meant they trusted him. Maybe they could trust him to. By silent agreement, they decided to give the professor a chance. They accepted the invitation and sat down.
"Our idea," began George conspiratorially, "was to enchant the oven. We intended to make it swell –you know, fire and all - so that it would seem it's going to engulf Umbridge!"
Fred quickly moved his hands forward. "Just pretend, huh!" he hastened to remark, "We want to give Umbridge a big scare, nothing more."
George nodded, "We're pranksters, not terrorists."
"That's debatable," Snape considered. "How, pray tell, were you going to implement this plan?"
"Enlargement charm" George winked.
"Mixed with this" Fred theatrically extracted an object from his robes. "Ta dah!" he exclaimed.
Snape looked at the strange little thing in the twin's hand. It looked like a purple Puffskein with two bigger than normal eyes.
"What is that?" he asked.
"This, sir, is one our most recent products" said George proudly.
"Witchery Watchery Puff" said Fred, "It has many uses. It will absorb whatever spell you cast on it. Then you just have to tell a precise time… or the name of a particular person, and it will cast the spell again at the said time, or when it's in the said person's presence. Only works with basic spells though. And it can remember only one spell at a time".
Snape had taken the object from Fred's hands and was analyzing it carefully. No, he was admiring it, the twins noticed. They had impressed Snape. Yes! That was something that didn't happen every day.
"It looks like a pygmy Puffskein. Nobody pays attention to it. We were inspired by Ginny's Puffskein. It keeps popping up everywhere", said George, "horrible creature".
Fred started counting on his fingers as he said: "It's discreet, multitasking and terribly efficient. Only two galleons".
Snape handed the Witchery Watchery Puff back to Fred.
"I must admit" he said, "this is brilliant".
The twins gloated in pride. "Thank you sir" they said.
"Umbridge is not stupid though" said Snape. "We need something more discreet than an Enlargement Charm. Something she can not identify as deliberately engineered. Something much more subtle".
"Any idea, sir?" Fred asked.
"In fact, yes" said Snape, and just as Fred had taken the Puff out of his robe, he took out a petit bottle full of blue liquid. It was the twins' time to look curiously at the potion in their professor's hand.
"This is no potion" said Snape. Had he read their minds? If so, it was disturbing. "It's an extract," continued the professor, "of Carrion Flower."
The twins' eyes widened in awe.
"No way!" they exclaimed.
George reached out for the vial and the professor handed it to him. The twins studied it for a long time, completely blown away.
"This is very rare" said George.
"And very very illegal" added Fred. Carrion Flower extract was used to prepare extremely complicated, dark and dangerous infusions and potions. He then looked at Snape: "Where did you get it, sir?"
Snape smirked: "That's confidential", he said.
"Just one drop and Umbridge will smell like a corpse for the rest of her life!" Fred said enthusiastically.
"I'm not going to waste a drop on Umbridge. You have no idea how much it cost me. Just barely wet the tip of a toothpick ... "
"... and throw it at Umbridge." George concluded. "Brilliant!" and looked at his brother.
"Umbridge will stink for at least a week", Snape said. "I will let Plikka know when Umbridge plans to visit them again. I will tell her to cook the most smelly soup they know."
"Awesome!" said George. "The Toad is doomed!"
Fred was thoughtful. "Yes," he said, "but won't the kitchens stink as well?"
"No, mister Weasley" Snape reassured him, "There is one very simple way to wash away Carrion's stink: olive oil. I'll make sure the elves know."
"How do we get toad and toothpick together?" asked George.
"That's up to you two," Snape said, "and your little toy."
The twins looked at the Puff, then at the vial, finally they looked at each other: "Wingardium Leviosa!" they said laughing.
Two days later, Fred and George broke again into the kitchens. It was just a few minutes before dawn, soon the elves would start crowding the kitchens. The twins needed to act swiftly. They had been very careful not to meet anyone along the way: Snape would not have punished them (maybe… he was still a git after all), but anyone else would have no reason to know about their mission.
Entering the kitchens, they got ready to play the last act of the operation Save-the-Elves.
In the faint light of George's wand, Fred pulled out the Witchery Watchery Puff. They had previously enchanted it to cast a Levitation Spell on the stinky toothpick, that Professor Snape had given them, as soon as Umbridge would enter its field of view.
Fred placed the Puff on a shelf, between two large bottles of wine and a jar of dried herbs. It looked like a very innocent pygmy Puffskein.
"Great," said George. "Turn it a little further to the left". Fred obeyed. "Perfect," said George and gave his brother a thumbs up.
Then, very calmly, he pulled out a bulky package from his shoulder bag. He undid it slowly, very carefully, and took out another envelope, this time of thick parchment. He opened it and revealed the decisive weapon: Snape's pestilential toothpick.
Fred immediately covered his nose with his hands. "Ugh! The smell!" he said.
"Yes," said George, he almost had tears in his eyes, "it's wonderful!"
"Put that thing down and lets go!" said Fred.
George gently placed the toothpick on the table, being very careful not to touch either tip. He did not know with which Snape had touched the Carrion Flower extract. He crumpled up the fabric and the parchment and slipped them back into the bag. They were going to burn everything as soon as they returned to the Common Room.
"Great," said George, "if Snape played his part well, the elves will cook the most smelly soup of their repertoire for lunch. It should mask the smell of Carrion Flower."
"You're joking, right?" Fred said, "If Snape played his part well? That man's incredible! "
George smiled at his brother. "And he's one of us!" he said proudly.
"Don't be so sure. He's still Snape, you know. He's brilliant, but still an asshole. Let's hope he didn't change his mind and decided to sell us off to Umbridge. We have Potions the second hour", Fred reminded him.
"It will be all right" George assured him. "Now let's go".
"Too bad we can't enjoy the show"
"Never say never, Fred."
Snape was proud of himself. The plan to get Umbridge out of the kitchens was practically perfect. The Weasley twins were two tornadoes, but, he had to acknowledge that, they were brilliant.
He entered the Great Hall for breakfast at eight o'clock and sat down in his usual place, to the left of Dumbledore's empty chair. The Headmaster had not yet come down from his tower. Or maybe he had breakfast brought up there. Snape looked at his tea distractedly, then raised his gaze over the tables of the Houses, in particular on the Gryffindor one. There were very few students sitting there, especially older kids, and of course Hermione Granger. The Weasley twins had not yet arrived.
For a moment he worried. What if they got caught? No, impossible, those two were too smart ... and it was still very early ...
"Severus I see you thoughtful this morning".
The voice made him jump so hard that he gave the cup a spin. Fortunately didn't spill any tea.
"Damn it, Minerva! You scared life out of me!" he scolded his former teacher.
Minerva McGonagall sat down on the chair next to him.
"When you're so lost in your thoughts Severus, it means nothing good," she commented. "What are you plotting?"
"Nothing," he said, "I'm working on a few different ways to ease the brewing of Veritaserum."
"Ah-a" said McGonagall, she was not persuaded at all, "I believe you on your word".
Snape grunted, but said nothing. Then he saw the Weasley twins enter the Hall. They walked to the Gryffindor table and sit down in front of Granger. They too looked towards the teachers' table, looking for him.
As soon as their eyes met, the twins smiled and winked at him. Everything had gone well. Great. Now they just had to wait. He nodded to them, but did not notice that McGonagall had caught their exchange and was staring at him inquisitorially.
"What's this all about?" she asked him.
"What?" he said vaguely.
"You and the Weasley twins," said McGonagall.
"Me and the Weasley twins what?"
"I saw you. You nodded and they winked at you" said McGonagall.
"I think you imagine things, Minerva," Snape said casually, sipping his tea.
Minerva looked at him sideways. "No, I don't think so. Miss Granger noticed it too", she said.
Snape looked up at the Gryffindor table and saw Granger leaning forward and speaking heatedly with the twins. Awesome. Just what he needed.
"I don't know what you and the Weasley twins are up to, Severus", continued Minerva, "but I hope it doesn't involve locking a teacher in a closet."
Snape didn't understand at first. "Locking a teacher in a closet?" he repeated.
"Don't play ignorant," McGonagall scolded him, "I know it was you who closed me up with the broomsticks."
Snape almost choked on the tea. That story again? It had been Potter -Potter and presumably Black- to lock her with the brooms. He still didn't know on what basis she was convinced it had been him.
"It wasn't me" he told her. "And it's been eighteen years!"
Minerva looked at him. " Well, I don't know what you and the Weasleys have plotted, but I know for sure that you three have all the right stuff to be an explosive mix," she said.
Snape put down the empty cup and looked at her. "You'll see Minerva. It's for a just cause" and he glanced fleetingly at Umbridge, who had just entered the hall and was sitting down in her usual place. Far from them, fortunately.
Minerva discreetly followed his gaze and smiled. "I can't wait to see the results," she gloated.
Potions second hour had started a few minutes ago and Fred and George were already fed up with it. The lesson wasn't boring, they usually liked Potions -the subject, not the teacher- but that day they had other things on their mind. They couldn't stop thinking of Umbridge. They imagined step by step the whole scene that was about to take place down in the kitchens and regretted they could not be there to enjoy the show. Snape also seemed more distracted than usual this morning. Usually by that time he had already reproached at least four students and removed a dozen points, but that day he had only rebuked a Ravenclaw who had dropped his scale.
"Snape's thinking about the Toad too," Fred whispered to George.
"Silence," Snape warned them. He was prowling around the classroom like a cat, inspecting the students' work.
In that moment the classroom door swung open and a sickening stench of dead animal filled the room. All the kids, Gryffindors and Ravenclaws alike, immediately turned around covering their noses. Standing in the doorway was Dolores Umbridge. And she was livid.
Fred and George looked at each other. That was not good. Why was Umbridge there? Had she found out they were the culprits? Oh, shit!
But Umbridge wasn't looking at them. Her eyes were set on Snape who faced her in the middle of the classroom.
"Professor Snape," said Umbridge threateningly, "I need to speak to you immediately." All the students looked at Snape as if he had just turned into a sacrificial lamb. Fred and George bleached. Cabbage! Umbridge found out Snape was involved, not them. What would she do to him? Was she going to fire him? That wouldn't be too bad, but ... damn, he had helped them. And they had messed him up. They suddenly felt guilty.
Snape, however, did not seem afraid of Umbridge at all. "How can I help you, Professor?" he asked silkily.
"I'd like to talk with you privately," Umbridge replied, "It's a ... delicate matter."
"Is it about the unpleasant smell that seems to emanate from you, Professor?" Snape asked, angelically. Some students barely hold back a giggle. Umbridge, however, was a frightening sight. Her face was so red she was probably about to explode.
"I'd ask you to join me in my office, if you don't mind," said Umbridge, barely holding back, "Right now!" she added, stamping her foot on the ground.
Snape blatantly ignored her request. "My dear Professor, I don't see how I could help you with your problem. I'm a Potions master, maybe you should turn to Professor Flitwick, I'm sure there is a spell that can help you" Snape said. Oh, the Professor was good, the twins thought.
"You think I didn't already? He sent me giggling to you. But he won't get away with it! " said Umbridge.
Respect for Flitwick!
"May I ask you how this... unfortunate incident occurred?" Snape asked.
" I have this smell on me since I left the kitchens. Someone hexed me", said Umbridge," Definitely a student, but I'll find out who."
Snape sat down on the nearest desk, under the bewildered eyes of the Ravenclaw sitting there. "I'm sorry to spoil your revenge dish", Snape said, "but I seem to remember that today's lunch menu includes Turquoise Cabbage soup, and notoriously, though it is very good, it is not famous for its nice smell. Could it be its smell simply stuck to you when you visited the kitchens?" he ventured, with his most velvety voice.
Umbridge was out of her mind. She was trembling with anger, her wand held so tightly in her hand it looked like it was about to break at any moment. For an istant the twins feared that she would cast an hex against Snape.
"May I ask you, Professor, why would a distinguished person such as you venture down to the most lowly place in Hogwarts?" Snape asked innocently.
Umbridge's lips trembled so hard they looked like two big caterpillars. Then she finally exploded: "I demand you immediately provide me with a potion to get rid of this ... this ..."
"Stink?" Snape concluded. Fred and George noticed that Lee Jordan and Angelina Johnson were practically choking as they tried so hard to contain the laughter.
"The only advise I can give you," Snape continued, "with all due respect, is to have a good bath with a lot, lot of perfumed soap."
Umbridge glared at him with devilish eyes, then turned on her heels and left the classroom threatening: "It doesn't end there!". As she walked away, the twins could hear her saying: "Pesky elves! I'll never set foot in those rotten kitchens again!"
As soon as Umbridge was out of hearing, the whole class burst out in laughter. Fred and George got to their feet and high-fived screaming "Yes!".
"Weasleys!" Snape looked at them coldly. "Two points from Gryffindor," he said.