A/N: Silly question, but does anyone know how I make this editing program do strikethroughs? ^_^'
2018-04-11:
Tjaaa du står just nu för 100% av min svenska läsekrets? Ditt bidrag är uppmärksammat och uppskattat. =w= Här sitter jag framåt tolv på natten, ska extrahera tand för första gången imorgon och har tenta i klinisk oral fysiologi på fredag: skål för ansvarsfulla beslut! (Och skaffa ett konto så jag slipper redigera två år gamla kapitel som enda kommunikationsmetod? xD)
I do not own or profit from any of what Kazue Kato has created.
There is only one negative thing with perfect days: sooner or later, they end. Usually sooner. Far sooner than you want them to.
It wasn't something he liked to admit, but Shiro had hoped that… had hoped. Had clung to it for the longest time, even if he knew it wouldn't last.
He knew why Kasumi was there; he just didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to leave this relaxed day – this real day, without unspoken questions and fake smiles – to go back to the tension and the masks. They might resolve the worst of it with Shizuku, but there would always be masks. There would always be things he could never let any human know.
The short pilgrim led the way back to the forested side of the lake, and Shiro was suddenly reminded that this was the bridge: the bridge where he and Shizuku had had their final argument.
"Shape up, you pussy. You've settled things before." Usually with fists, but… There was a deeply unsettling feeling in his gut that he wasn't used to and couldn't identify. "I was a bit worried when you didn't show up yesterday", he picked up, and immediately regretted the sound of it.
"Ye gotta have some better pick-up line ta try, bigmouth" she jabbed with a smile. "Thought I was gonna be here sooner, but I got held up on the way. Anyways, I was here by nightfall. Shizzy filled me in on the story 'round this argument ye're havin'." Reject. Shiro didn't want that, he realised. He didn't want Shizuku to tell Kasumi what the Shiro with the mask was like. He wanted to cut this day off from all the rest of his days and never let the two come in contact, for risk of contamination. "Now, I'm not passin' any judgement on anyone; I just wanna hear your thoughts on it. Midori-san said some pretty ominous stuff 'bout ye' friend there at the shooting range."
Shiro bit the tip of his tongue in thought. Two Shiros were about to meet, Shizuku's and Kasumi's, and they had to speak with the same voice.
"I think Midori-chan is right; about him being powerful. Demons can tell such things about each other. But she doesn't know him as a person."
"An' how would ye say 'e is, as a person?"
Describe Mephisto? Why not have a go at describing das Labyrinth des Limbus? There was nothing you could say of him that wasn't contradicted by something else he did. He was such a massive complex of dead ends and false walls and roads that twisted back in on themselves that you'd lose yourself in the vastness of it without ever coming closer to explaining what he was li-
"…like outpacing thought", he mumbled, rewinding what he had just thought to try again; try to see more of what he'd glimpsed in the corner of his mind's eye for a split second. "Beyond what the mind can grasp; so infinitely much more than the mind itself that-" Damn, the thought had been there but it slipped so quickly…!
"Hoo~ That's an unusual thing ta hear from that mouth", Kasumi whistled in honest amazement. "Outpacin' thought. I see what ye mean."
"You do…?" His turn to be surprised. Maybe she could explain…?
"Yeah." Her admiring face broke with an absentminded chuckle. "In a sense. Couldn't explain what it is, though. That's part of the idea, no?" She glanced up at him with the same honesty now forming a warm smile on her lips. "There's things beyond the grasp of words an' thoughts. Things too big fer us ta comprehend." They left the walkway for a narrow forest trail overgrown with neglect. "Shizzy worried a lot about Midori-san's words, but I think ye're closer ta how things are than he is."
Oh yes, Shizuku worried. And Shiro worried more and more if he would be able to pull off this meeting or not. Shizuku would have him answer all those inconvenient questions in front of Kasumi, and-
"'e's still a kid, my brother", her voice phased back into his perception. The forest path was too narrow for them to walk side by side, and she spoke over her shoulder in front of him. "Mature fe' his age, but hasty an' stubborn as teenage guys are. An' feels a very strong responsibility fe' people – 'e got that from dad, I'm sure."
The thick greenery of summer closed in on them and tinted the sunlight with chlorophyll. Shadows had life in there: sluggish and whining and weak at that hour, but shielded from direct sunlight. And attentive of the humans that disturbed them.
Thinking more of the short, robed shape ahead than of himself, Shiro let his heart grow cold and indifferent in the lush warmth. Caution before comfort.
"Just a tiny crack…" he told himself. He didn't want it to end, didn't want the dull cold after that sweet sunlight, didn't want to give up that freedom just when he realised how much he had missed it.
Didn't want to meet Shizuku and be forced back into pretending and worming around questions. Not with Kasumi there to witness it.
"The way I see it, Midori-san's outpacing thought a little, too", Kasumi continued solemnly, oblivious to both demons and the change in Shiro. "She grew up without a language, an' she sees things quite different from us who did: she sees the core. The things that are beyond words."
The trail was nonexistent now, and underneath the rustling of twigs they pushed out of their way Shiro could hear a susurrus, claustrophobic sensation trill against his eardrums.
"I don't doubt that Pheles genuinely tries ta fit inta the human world, an' he's doin' a great job with it", she said somewhere beyond the murmuring, "but it never changes what 'e is at the core."
Was this what his dad had felt? Was this why he had distanced himself from his family more and more? Because there were things unsaid there that could never be said, wrongs made that could never be set right; and wasn't it so much easier to abandon ship and start anew, start again in a place where he didn't need to wear any mask?
"…I'm becoming him more and more…"
The claustrophobic sensation grew stronger, as did the instinctive feeling to turn around and bolt. Shiro grit his teeth and did his best to fight the impulse down and keep walking. He had to do this. He had to.
"That's what Midori-san sees: the demon Pheles", Kasumi continued without pause. "So ye're probably right when ye say there's the person Pheles, too, but that's not the part o' him that has me worried."
Oh, she shouldn't worry about Pheles: behind her, Shiro drowned. That thin crack in his shield, that unbalance the conflicting feelings within him - so stupid! He clawed for the light beyond darkness that had blotted out his vision before he had time to react.
"No, hell no, not now…!" He groped for control, tried to put a lid on the panic, but all he could think of was Kasumi a few steps ahead of him; Kasumi who shouldn't worry about him, Kasumi that he so desperately wanted to be a normal teenager with, Kasumi that must not be hurt…!
"Ye alright back there?" She threw a glance over her shoulder, looking worried-
looking as if she already knew
"Yeah, I'm good. Just stumbled over a branch." Steady voice, steady face; please, please… "Still got stitches in the leg, you know."
"That's right: be a good boy and put on the mask. Be a good boy and pretend there's nothing wrong with you~"
Shiro stumbled on behind Kasumi like a drunkard, ducking the bombardment of old memories that threatened to weigh him down into unconsciousness – Why didn't you come home last night? Mom was all worried, she stayed up, and she was crying! – with a body that was only half his. With a face that resembled his dad's so much.
"Like father, like son. Killed himself, did he~? After he killed your mother. Oh don't lie to yourself: he killed her and you know it. His irresponsibility killed her. So why don't we put that old saying to the test fufufufufu~?"
No… No…
Shiro's blood ran cold. His mind reeled, letting the demon gain even more ground.
"Since you worry so, little Shiro: let's see how much like your dad you are~" the shrill voice cackled joyfully in his head. "If you kill her, will you kill yourself next…?"
No…!
His legs moved faster, his hand reached into his pocket for the knife-
"Why the fuck do I carry a knife in situations like this!?"
He had to yell, at least warn her, had to do something…!
Kasumi pushed through a thick hazel shrub and disappeared out of sight; Shiro's body gritted its teeth as it tried to open the tight fist he had willed his fingers to make. He wouldn't be grasping that knife. He wouldn't...!
Sunlight stung his eyes and made the demon's grip loosen for a split second: Shiro leapt at his chance with full force, and when he was out of the hazel… he was alone in his body.
They stood on a proper path, wide enough for three people at least. Both sides were flanked by lush forest, and the path itself was covered with warm, dust-breathing gravel that heated through the soles of his shoes. Kasumi's skin was caramel in the light, with that tuft of her tied-up hair glowing like a bush of dandelion seeds in the sun.
It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
"Ye really should stop smokin'", Kasumi observed, with both her eyebrows raised at the flustered, panting teenage guy in front of her. "Yer stamina fuckin' sucks."
She just stood there… and had no idea.
Shiro burst into the involuntary laughter of knotted nerves going slack. It was a laughter that wheezed out of him, trembling but relieved - so very relieved.
"Yeah. Yeah, I should." He ran a shaky hand through his hair, and felt the coarse hairs sting where his fingernails had dug holes in his palm. "Next time you might wanna keep me on a proper road."
"Listen ta pretty-boy speakin'", she chuckled. "I'm assuming ye were puffin' too loud ta hear what I said?" Kasumi looked at him in a way that reminded Shiro she was a Big Sister, and it was second nature to her to make sure Little Brothers were out of harm's way: not out of trouble's way, but a safe distance from harm's. "I was sayin' that it's not the person part o' Pheles that has me worried. The person Pheles might want ta be ye' friend, but the demon Pheles is a different story altagether: when it comes down to it, 'e's a fox and ye're a rabbit, an' every instinct in his body will be screamin' at 'im ta bite yer head off. One instant o' lost control on his part an' it could end badly for ya; one move wrong an' ye could snap 'is control like a dry twig." She tipped her head to the side and looked at- No, looked through him. "Is it worth it?"
"Is it worth…?" his voice faltered.
"A friendship where ye have ta constantly be on guard. Watch ye' back, watch ye' tongue, watch ye' mind..." Her head tipped back up straight with a smile that was… the painful kind of soft. "...watch ye' heart. Is it worth it?"
Dagger. The soft, painful kind of dagger. Blind stab, right into the chest.
Is it worth it? Is friendship worth it if you have to be constantly on guard, constantly protect; constantly mistrust yourself and hide it…?
She just stood there… and had no idea…
Is it worth it if the fox one day bites the rabbit?
"It's worth it." Yet he sounded a lot more sure than he felt.
And when he followed Kasumi up the sundrenched hill, he could feel dark whispers swirl in his shadow.
A/N:
Ring alarm bells: a sign that something's not right, and you have reason to worry.