Chapter 8 - Passage

"Am I in heaven here or am I...

At the cross roads I am standing.

Hold on. Hold on to yourself

for this is gonna hurt like hell."

- Sarah McLachlan

=/\=

"Captain on the bridge," Tom declared as Janeway entered the craft ahead of him.

Janeway smiled, giving him a sideways glance, and surveyed the cockpit. The white interior gleamed as fresh control panels blinked anxiously. She watched Tom's hands move about the panels with precision, his high-backed white leather chair rotating with ease. She could still smell the freshness of the carpet at her feet.

"I'm sorry to be bringing you home in a shuttle, Captain. But I really thought you deserved more than a transporter. Give you one more look at Voyager."

"Thank you, Tom." She approached him at the helm as he engaged the thrusters. "Wow," she exclaimed looking out the view port in front of them. "Is this new?"

"Welcome aboard the Argo, Captain. She is the first of her kind, state of the art, equipped with recessed warp nacelles, and fit with foldable wings. I'm told they are going to be creating an all-terrain buggy in the back which will be able to control the shuttle remotely."

"All-terrain? What for?" Janeway inquired sarcastically. "Can't this thing maneuver easily?"

"On a dime, so to speak."

Janeway smiled at his usage of the North American, twentieth century phrase. "So why the all-terrain vehicle?"

Tom turned slowly in his chair to look at the Captain, a look of confusion spread to his face.

"Because it's fun," Chakotay remarked matter-of-factly, joining Tom's bewilderment.

Janeway shook her head. "Boys and their toys," she uttered.

"She may be pretty, but I can tell you she is no Delta Flyer." Tom paused remembering fondly, he turned his chair around, and lifted the craft from the floor. His passengers were quiet. "I'm told it will be ready for release next year. They wanted me to give her a few short range test runs. My guess is she was commissioned for the Enterprise-D."

"Or Enterprise-E, knowing that crew," Janeway chuckled. "How many of those ships are they going to make anyway?"

"And just think what Voyager accomplished," Chakotay added fondly.

Janeway lowered her head. "There will only be one of her."

"She was a tough girl. Wasn't she?" Tom mused.

Was.

Slowly, Tom inched the shuttle across the bay and through the barrier, exiting the ship.

"She had one of the best pilots around," Janeway added, patting Tom lightly on his shoulder.

"Is Picard still Captain of the Enterprise?" inquired Chakotay as he took a seat to Janeway's right.

"I believe so," Tom said. Janeway watched as he engaged the auto-pilot. "Rumor has it they tried to make him Admiral but he turned them down."

"Can't take some of us away from the journey, so it seems," Janeway said sadly.

Tom engaged more systems, lowering the Argo's wings. "There should be a chilled bottle of champagne on the table behind us, Captain," Tom said motioning to the back corner of the cockpit. "It's vintage and I can confirm it's not from any replicator. They really pulled out all the stops for you."

Janeway smiled and looked to Chakotay who had taken no time to rise and pop the cork. He poured a small amount into a glass and took a sip. "This is good stuff. You weren't kidding, Tom."

"How did you get stuck with this mission, Tom?" the Captain asked patting him on his shoulder, making notes as he engaged another engine.

"When the Admiral offered me the chance to bring Voyager's Captain home, who am I to say, 'No'."

Janeway brushed a hand over the back of Tom's hair, "Well we're certainly in the best hands."

Tom cleared his throat as Chakotay came up behind them with glasses. He handed one to Janeway. "Didn't think I'd find you here too, Chakotay? I see you have even picked up some new pips. I hate to say it, but they look good on you."

Chakotay looked down at his glass. "Well, don't get too used to it. They are just for show." He took a long, slow sip, and turned to top-up his glass, avoiding Janeway's gaze.

His tone was suddenly bold, and it was the first Janeway understood the burden these pips held for him, the gravity his uniform carried; a weight he braved because she asked him to. Her head fell to the side, and she closed her eyes.

"You want me to come about, Captain? Take one long look at her?"

Janeway opened her eyes and sipped from her glass. She offered no instruction.

"That would be nice, Tom," Chakotay said, returning to them.

The Argo slowly came up along the hull of the ship, and they passed by darkened windows and quiet corridors. An empty Mess Hall. A disregarded Sick Bay. Thrusters hummed as they rose up over Voyager looking down on her darkened bridge, her vacant Ready Room. As they moved across her bow, her main light went out, and the ship's hull was left in shadow; her registry numbers falling into darkness.

She felt it begin to rise at the back of her throat, then it hit her with a weighted force. Janeway couldn't hold it back any longer, and she took another swig of the cool liquid, forcing it down her throat. Hiding her face from Chakotay, she excused herself from the front of the ship.

She retreated and found refuge in a corner at the back of the shuttle, safe within the noise of the ship's engines, and with heavy limbs sank to the floor. She burst into tears. Hands rising to her face, she slumped herself against a utility box and let the tears flow.

She was safe in the dark recesses of the craft, hidden in shadow, her cries muffled. Ache resonated in her shoulders; tired from holding everything together for so long. The makeup of her life was draining from her; falling between her fingers as she tried to collect it, to pour and pool at her feet.

There was nothing left to cling to; the semblance of the life she thought she had created was being stripped from her. And for the first time in a long time, she felt helpless. For the first time in seven years, she felt truly lost.

He didn't say anything when he found her, just moved to her side, sitting beside her on the floor of the shuttle. She didn't attempt to hide from him, and curled against him when he offered to pull her in, drawing his arm around her. His fingertips in her hair, he continued his feathered touch along her body and let her cry.

She released a heavy breath and sunk against his body. Her hand reached out to clutch to his jacket, tethering her to the safety he offered. There was comfort in his arms, in the way his hands moved over her. It was true they had always maintained a closeness that needed no definition, and words could be left unsaid in the safety created by their trust. But she had never allowed him to truly take her over – until now.

There had been so many opportunities over the past years where she could have sought refuge in his embrace, but couldn't. There were appearances she had to maintain. And in a profession still domineered by men, it was a considered fragility she had to honor, that she was determined to continue to re-write.

It was a legacy she had to protect; carry forward from every woman in the command structure that came before her. It was a struggle lost on her male counterparts who could easily blur the lines of regulations, of protocol.

In her early years, she promised herself she would be different.

Walls had to be erected. Lines were drawn, never to be crossed. She had never allowed herself the opportunity to think she needed anyone, needed anything more than command, and her own stubbornness kept her honest, kept her true.

And in this honesty, she could do it on her own. Kathryn Janeway, the ever faithful, dutiful independent woman, to command the stars and have them fall to their knees at her feet.

And she knew she was right to have done so, as there was safety in his arms, and his hands were wondrous on her body. Skillfully, he was slowly pulling her back from the darkness, and she was grateful.

When her sobs lightened, he rocked her gently, squeezed her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said finally with a shaky voice against his chest. "So stupid. Crying over a ship."

He shook his head, and took her face so her eyes would meet his.

Mascara ran down her cheeks; a mother's sadness drained the blue that once shone from her eyes. He ran a thumb over her cheeks, helped to clean the black shadows that smudged her face, and put his Captain back in place.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Voyager was more than a ship." He smiled down at her as she drew back in to curl against his chest. "She carried us. Protected us. Gave us everything she could and more. She was our home." He stared off across the shuttle, focussed on a blank space. "I'm going to miss her too."

Janeway gripped to his jacket tightly as he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

She had never thought that he would feel the same way about her ship. The predicaments that led him to Voyager had been against his will. And while his loyalty had been unwavering, the vessel he was on was Starfleet; created by a Starfleet design team, run by Starfleet engineers, commanded by a Starfleet captain.

What she didn't know was that home was wherever she was, and he would fight to maintain it.

"Everything I have is being taken away," she confessed sadly. "And there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless."

"Not everything," he squeezed her tightly, and she lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I'm still here. And I'm not going anywhere." He stroked her hair, pulled a few strands back from her face.

"Something inside is telling me I don't deserve this. I have a sinking feeling that something will take you away from me."

"Not going to happen." He smiled. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. You're stuck with me. Nothing is going to tear me away from you."

She sighed, her mouth turned into a pout, chin wrinkling. "I'm not strong enough for this."

A few tears escaped again and he wiped them. "You are, but let me help. Take my hand, and we'll face it together." He entwined his fingers with hers. "Like we've done before."

"You're sweet."

"I love you."

Years before he had struggled to say the words, but they fell from his lips so easily this time. Unwavering, they danced in the air between them, reaching out to wrap her in comfort. And it wasn't as if he had to say it, offer her the solemn vow; she had always known.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

"Gladly."

Their kiss was gentle, lingering longer this time. The salt from her tears touched his tongue, and he pulled back to lick his lips, slowly lowering to offer another gentle kiss.

"You should go," she said finally, quietly, afraid to be found in their careful embrace. "Tom will think something is up."

"Something is up."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm sure he already suspects. There really isn't any sense in hiding it."

She sighed. "Please, Chakotay - for appearances sake."

He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "All right. For appearance. But I'm telling you-" He rose slowly and began to move away from her. "-the kids are always the first to know when something is wrong."

=/\=

It was several moments before Janeway returned to the cockpit of the vessel. She looked out the front of the ship as Earth loomed before them, quickly approaching.

Tom turned as she neared, a tender smile painted on his face. "You had better take a seat, Captain. I'm not quite sure how this girl is going to handle reentry."

Chakotay eased up beside her and she looked up slowly. "You okay?" he whispered, and squeezed her hand, leading her to her chair. She sat and crossed her legs, returned a squeeze to his hand, grateful for his reassurance.

Locked in their tender moment, they were too preoccupied to notice Tom observing silently.

The Commander was offering the Captain a glass of champagne, and Tom watched as Chakotay's fingers lingered delicately on the Captain's hand. He watched as her free hand gently reached out to the Commander's pant leg, gingerly touching the fabric with her fingertips. They continued their interaction and their eyes met, and Tom experienced a new layer to what he had witnessed so many times before. Their secret interaction was not lost on him, and a wide smile spread to his face. For there was something profound in the way their eyes found each other, the way they reached out. For it wasn't their touch that had triggered him, but how it lingered, afraid to let go.

There was a yearning shared between them, completely bare.

"Ok," Tom said finally, turning back to look out the viewport. "So how long did it take you guys?"

"For what?" Chakotay asked, tension rising in his voice.

"To profess your undying love for one another," Tom said matter-of-factly. He expertly continued to move his hands over the controls.

"I beg your pardon," the Captain added, agitated.

He turned his chair around. "Can we finally call you two an item now?"

Janeway blushed, but said nothing. She stared at Tom, unblinking, a furrow to her brow. She felt exposed, annoyed. It had been all of an hour since she had left Chakotay's quarters, where they had agreed to keep their relationship a secret until Voyager's decent and all the excitement could die down. Then once command had been shifted, they could finally return to each other's arms, and start anew.

Tom chuckled. "I'm never going to hear the end of this from B'Elanna, am I?" He returned to his controls, disengaging the auto-pilot, and the shuttle rocked gently as it handed over control.

"How so?" Chakotay added.

"She had you two down for the day you came home." He looked over his shoulder to Janeway. "She was right, wasn't she?" He rolled his eyes in defeat at Janeway's blank stare.

"Was there an ongoing bet?" Chakotay inquired carefully, smiling. Janeway cast him a glare.

"Some might have put a wager in. But we knew. It's not as if you two tried to hide it."

"Who knew?" Chakotay turned to Janeway and shrugged.

"The crew. Ship-wide. Even the Captain's Assistant had her own validations." Tom smiled remembering. "Naomi always believed you two were in love."

An awkward tension blanketed the shuttle. "Oh, come on, you two," Tom continued. "It's not as if it was a secret." With one hand on the main control, he turned his chair slightly to look at Janeway. "Yes, Captain. Even Tuvok figured you two out."

Janeway's eyes opened wide, feeling exposed, and a nervous smile spread to her lips. She quickly covered it with her hand.

"Right?" Tom said reading her. "Who knew the Vulcan was such a romantic."

=/\=

The shuttle rocked as it made its way through the barrier of Earth's atmosphere, and Janeway clutched the armrests of her chair. As the Argo cleared, and the rocking subsided, Janeway pulled herself forward to stand behind Tom, and rested her hands on his shoulders.

A few clouds could now be made out as San Fransisco quickly approached. The sun was setting, and the sky was lit with hues of orange, yellow, purple and blue. She sighed, welcomed it, pulled it in like a long lost friend.

Chakotay came to stand beside her. "What a sight," he said and encircled his hand around her waist.

She didn't hide her tears this time but let them fall. She was home.

Starfleet Headquarters opened up to them as they drew closer to the surface. Fairly unchanged since the last time she had seen it. Tom notified them of their docking and pulled toward his designated shuttle bay. They pulled within the brightly lit corridor and the ship braced with ease to the floor.

Tom had been correct; the ship truly turned on a dime. The landing was utter perfection.

Tom shut down the Argo's engines, pressing buttons on the pads in front of him. The lights within the shuttle brightened.

He sighed and turned in his chair. "Captain, Commander." He nodded to them. "Welcome home."

Coming Soon: Chapter 9 - "Fire on Fire" - Sam Smith and Steve Mac