Chapter Forty-One: Lullabye

The building seemed bigger this time, scarier. More like a haunted house then a hospital. It was already pretty dark outside and the light shining through the windows onto the pavement didn't harbor any kind of warmth. At least not for him.

After Bonnie had convinced him to go see his mom, she had to practically drag him to her car. They had driven in silence, Kai being deeply lost in his thoughts. Nothing he could recall later on, but that was nothing new. In the past few days he couldn't focus his thoughts on anything, rushing from one topic to another within seconds and never recalling how he got there.

Now that they had arrived at the hospital, Kai's fear and inner discomfort reached a new high. Something inside of him was fighting hard not to go inside this building. For at least five minutes they had been sitting in Bonnie's car in silence, while he watched the huge monument that would be the place he would last see his mother.

He felt like he wasn't really here in the car, not even here at all. He felt light, like he had been smoking pot but the heaviness in his chest wouldn't let him fly but forcefully kept him right in this place. He wanted to run far away, hoping he could escape the horrors that were waiting for him inside.

Kai jumped when he felt a hand being placed on his left arm. He had forgotten that Bonnie was still sitting next to him. When he turned to watch her, she gifted him with a smile that expressed so much love and compassion, on any other day it would have made him reach out and kiss her. But not today, he appreciated what Bonnie had done for him but his grief was not leaving any room for any other feeling right now. But he wouldn't bet against Bonnie's ability to creep underneath his skin and forced some very specific emotions to come to the surface. If there was any person that would be able to comfort him now, it would be her.

"Are you sure I shouldn't go with you?" Bonnie asked tenderly.

"Yeah, I think I need to do this on my own."

Bonnie nodded in understanding. "Remember, you can always call me, whenever, for whatever reason, doesn't matter. I'll be here."

There it was again, the warmth that always spread in his stomach every time she said something like this. When she gave him the impression that she was the only honest and loyal person in his life.

Kai leaned over to her and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. "I'm sorry I didn't text you back over the weekend."

Bonnie smiled weakly and brushed a hand through his hair, while he lingered his head close to hers. All he wanted to do right now was grab her and leave this godforsaken town. Take her somewhere no one could reach them and just outwait every bad thing that could possibly happen within the next few days.

"That's okay, really. I mean, I appreciate your apology but I decided to give you a free pass this time." Bonnie joked and actually managed to evoke something that- with a lot of effort- could be mistaken as a smile.

"Thank you for being here, Bon. I really mean it." Kai said a second later.

"Of course, where else would I be?" Bonnie whispered and placed her left hand on the side of his neck. Kai let his forehead rest against hers and closed his eyes. He just needed one moment of silence and safety before he could go inside the hospital. Gathering up all the strength he needed, he reluctantly let go of Bonnie and turned to leave the car. He stepped out and slammed the door shut behind him. Before he took his first step towards the building, he turned around once more, watching Bonnie who smiled reassuringly. He placed his hand on the car window and inhaled deeply. He turned around to face the huge, daunting house and made his way inside.

The second he stepped a foot into the lobby he felt nauseous and the urge to turn around and run for the hills was threatening to take over. It took all his willpower to continue his walk towards the information desk to ask for Evelyn Parker's room. Even though it was on the 6th floor, Kai decided to take the stairs to avoid the ultimate confrontation with his family. With every step he took his heartbeat rose a little bit. His wish to drag out the inevitable just a little longer didn't work, because he reached the 6th floor sooner than he could reorganize his thoughts. When he pushed through the door he was met with a heavy silence. This wing of the hospital was reserved for the dying and their grieving families. Death was nearly testable in the air and a sudden nausea overcame Kai. He wanted to turn around and run away instantly but something, and he had no idea what that was, kept him going until he reached another door. Behind the window he could see Joey and Bellamy sitting in front of a big window that allowed a view into the patient room behind it. Kai could guess who he would find behind that window. He also assumed his other siblings were close by, maybe Jo and Melinda were just with his mom or they were lingering around here somewhere. Neither of his siblings realized he was there. If he decided to turn around no one would know he had been there in the first place, except Bonnie.

Kai inhaled once more before he slowly pushed the door open and stepped into the private corridor that his father clearly arranged for his mother to breathe her last breaths in. Once his siblings heard the door opening, their heads turned in his direction. Now that he had stepped into the corridor he could see a sleeping Briana lying on the bench next to Jo sitting across from Bellamy and Joey. His siblings only stared at him, some with confusion, like Bellamy, some with anger, like Joey. Kai didn't say anything, only swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. He didn't think that his siblings had any right to be mad at him for staying away this long, after all it was his decision. But their judgment hit him stronger than he had expected, his current emotional state making it way to easy for everyone to affect him.

For what felt like forever the siblings just started at each other, every single one of them with the same exhausted and devastated eyes, until Jo slowly stood up from where she was sitting and walked towards him. Her eyes were filling with tears the closer she got to him. Kai met her halfway and the twins embraced each other in a tight hug. Kai closed his eyes when he heard Jo's sobbing and hugged her even tighter. Moments passed before the two broke apart, Jo's tears slowly starting to stop pouring. She tried to smile at him but the situation made it hard for her to figure it out properly. "You're here." Jo whispered, obvious relief in her voice.

Kai only nodded and noticed Joey snorting scornfully. Kai turned around to face his younger brother. If there was anything Joey wanted to share with him, he should just go ahead and say it. "Is something wrong?" Kai asked with just a tiniest bit of spite.

Joey stood up, stepping close to Kai and looking at him with anger that Kai had never seen on him before. Joey usually didn't voice his concerns or opinions, at least not to Kai, he was too afraid. It was not that Kai treated him any worse than his other siblings but Joey was the only one of them that understood early on that it was not wise to upset Kai, you would only end up on the wrong side of his anger and that was really unwise. Joey's obvious anger and his willingness to share that publicly surprised the others. They watched the brothers stare at each other. It seemed like Joey was debating whether to scream at him or punch him in the face. Kai was a little curious what it would be, that was why he just stood there, waiting for a reaction. But neither thing happened because to everyone's surprise Melinda stood up from her place and silently said "Don't be mad at each other."

Kai and Joey turned their head to Melinda, Jo turned around to face her younger sister. "Please, don't be mad." Melinda repeated. She was about to burst into tears. Jo wanted to reach out to her, taking a few steps towards her, but she shook her head and started to run towards her brothers. To everyone's surprise Melinda ended up in Kai's arms. The 12 year old had bumped into him with full speed and swung her arms around him. For a second Kai was irritated. He couldn't remember ever hugging Melinda. From the very first day the two siblings didn't get along, even when she was still a baby. But right now Melinda, the little brat, needed her eldest brother and if Kai was honest, this hug was just the thing he needed right now too, so he hugged her back. It lasted longer than anyone would have guessed and when Melinda finally stepped away from him the atmosphere between all siblings had shifted. When Kai looked at Joey he didn't see anger across his face, he saw relief. Melinda's unexpected show of affection towards Kai must have blown Joey's steam away because now he was embracing Kai as well for a quick hug.

"Finally, dude." Joey said and gave Kai one last pad on the back. Kai was now facing the window that allowed them to see into their mother's room. It was like someone punched Kai in the stomach when he saw his mother lying in the hospital bed, all pale and weak. Kai spotted his father sitting by her side and as if he had felt Kai's gaze he turned his head and locked his gaze to Kai's. Joshua slowly stood up and walked to the door. The atmosphere once again tensed up because neither of the Parker kids knew how their father would react to Kai's appearance but they could all guess that they weren't going to hug it out like the rest of them did.

When the door got opened and the Parker patriarch stepped outside nothing in his face gave away his emotions. In that way, Kai had come after his father. He too was a master at hiding his feelings, except for tonight. Joshua walked towards him and stopped only a few strays away. His disapproving gaze, the one he had watched Kai with for as long as he could remember, set on his eldest son but he kept quiet. Then he turned away from him and focused on Briana's sleeping form.

"I'm going to call Mrs. Leister to come pick up Briana. Someone should stay with your mother while I'm gone." Joshua's cold stare reached Kai again, making it perfectly clear that by someone he didn't mean him. His father was pissed that he didn't show up sooner, that was no news to Kai, but that he wanted to deny him to actually see his mother before she was dead even though he was here right now, that took the cake. Joshua went to pick up Briana and disappeared with his phone pressed to his ear, ready to call their neighbor that was already watching the twins.

When he was gone, Jo took Kai's hand into hers and was about to guide him into the room when Kai suddenly panicked and tried to free himself of her hold. "No." Kai said, shaking his head.

Jo turned around and stepped closer to her twin. "Kai." She took his other hand as well and squeezed both of them reassuringly. "Please." Then she started walking backwards and Kai let her guide him into the room. When they were inside, Jo let go of his one hand and closed the door with the other. Inside the room was nothing but quiet and the annoying beep from the medical devices, showing that there was still a heartbeat to be found within his mother. Kai didn't have to be a doctor to know that this was not a steady and strong heartbeat though.

"She sleeps almost the entire time, but sometimes she wakes up. But it doesn't matter, you can still talk to her, even when she's asleep." Jo said next to him. He nearly didn't hear her because the sight of his mother had him in a state of trance. All he could focus on was her sleeping form, the way she didn't seem to react in any way. He didn't even realize Jo had dragged him further into to room until he felt the chair she had ushered him to.

"Do you want to be alone with her?" Jo asked but Kai quickly shook his head, holding Jo's hand tight in his, so she didn't have the chance to leave him alone. Jo said down on the side of his mother's bed, not facing her but him. She smiled a weak smile before she started to talk. "I'm really glad you're here, Kai. I was so worried about you. That you would do something stupid. I was worried you wouldn't come."

"I nearly didn't. I'm only here because of Bonnie." Kai admitted and Jo sighed.

"Bless her soul." Jo said and smiled once more. "I know this is hard, trust me. But you would have never forgiven yourself if you didn't come here. You need to say goodbye to her."

"I can't. I don't know how." Kai whispered and looked down on the floor, feeling tears form in his eyes.

"Just listen to what you mom has to say." A hoarse voice reached Kai's ear and he looked up to his mother's face. Jo had turned around on the bed to face her mother as well. "Mom, you're up. How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?" Jo started rambling but her mother turned her down gently.

"No my love, all I need is right here." Evelyn reached out a weak hand and placed it on Jo's cheek, making her calm down. Then she turned her gaze to Kai and he could see how weak she already was. It wouldn't be long now.

"Listen, I have to tell you two something." Evelyn started her voice barely a whisper so Jo leaned in a little closer to hear her properly. Evelyn's lids were heavy but there was obviously something she still wanted to tell her children so she fought against the urge to fall back asleep.

"They day… you were born was the happiest day of my life." She started to talk, slowly and silent, but still clear as day. "I was overjoyed every time I finally got to meet my children but the first time is always special. I never forgot the feeling that I had when I first held you in my arms."

Kai could see Jo was on the verge of crying once more and he himself felt the heavy lump in his throat was not going away no matter how often he tried to swallow it.

"And now look at you two, my wonderful babies." Evelyn continued. "So grown up, such amazing personalities already even though you are still so young. I could not be more proud." He stopped because she had to cough and Kai and Jo both leaned closer to take care of her but Evelyn raised a hand to indicate that she was alright. "It's okay. I'm good." She tried to reassure them.

"Mom, maybe you should rest…" Jo tired but Evelyn shook her head.

"No, just listen. I need you to listen." She coughed again and remained silent so that Kai thought she was asleep again but then she continued without opening her eyes. "I am sorry for what I am going to put you through. All of you, but especially you two." She opened her eyes and there was real sorrow in them when she looked at her kids.

Kai and Jo exchanged a quick glance and when Evelyn realized that they didn't know what she meant she elaborated. "When I'm gone, your father is going to relay on you two most. You're the oldest and most mature of them all. I think you already knew that things were going to change and that you would have to accept more responsibility and for that I am sorry. I never wanted any of my children to live under such pressure. I never wanted any of you to grow up without me but it is not in my power to change that anymore. I need you to know that this is not what I wanted. I love you so much and if I could I would protect you from all this but… I can't."

Next to him Jo started to cry bitterly and Evelyn tried her best to try and calm her down but her weak state didn't make it easy for her. But Kai had tuned most of this out. He was feeling numb, something he'd normally appreciate because emotions weren't his thing, but not tonight. Tonight it was only confusing him and it distracted him from his task of saying goodbye to his mother, because he was now focusing on the reason for this rather than to listen to his mother.

"Hey love, are you okay?" Evelyn placed her hand on Kai's entwined ones and Kai started.

Kai only looked at her for a very long time, her eyes beside the heavy bags underneath them, seemed caring as ever. Kai tried to remember them as best as he could while he was gathering the courage to ask his mother what was bothering him since the minute he stepped foot inside this room.

"Mom?" He hesitated but continued when Jo squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "Are you mad at me?"

"My dear, why would I be mad at you?" His mother asked back with incomprehension.

Kai sighed and looked down to the floor. "Because I wasn't here the past few days."

His mother stayed silent for a long time and Kai was certain she was actually mad at him. That realization hit Kai without warning and it felt like someone clenched their fist around his heart. He didn't dare to look at her, not when he had disappointed her in her last days on this earth. He was debating what to do next, how to make it up to her when he felt her hand being placed on his knee.

"You're here now, and that is all that matters. I could never be mad at you for grieving in your own personal way."

Kai looked up into Evelyn's face and saw nothing but honesty and love. His emotions were all over the place and he didn't know how to react properly. He swallowed and breathed heavily, tears were forming in his eyes and he had the urge to run a 100 miles marathon. But he stayed put. His mother watched him intently and smiled at him. It was the same smile she had given him when he was only 5 years old and fell on his knees, not really knowing whether he should cry or suck it up. That was when his mother would be there and look at him with this smile and he knew that he would be okay, that no matter if he cried or not, she would be there to help him through it.

And from now on she wouldn't. She would be out of reach, gone. Just like that. Devastation rose inside of him and with the intuition that only a mother has Evelyn opened her arms. "Come here, sweetie."

Without a second thought, Kai stood up from the chair, leaned over his mother's bed and sank into her open arms. He felt like he was 5 years old again and all that could save him from the bad world outside was his mother's tight embrace. Right now, her hug wasn't as tight as it used to be but it was still comforting. Kai buried his face into the crook of her neck while she patted his hair. For the first time since he had known of his mother's illness, Kai let tears run down in face. His mother silently hummed a song that seemed vaguely familiar; maybe she used to sing it to him as lullaby, and it calmed him down.

There was no way of telling how long he stayed in his mother's comforting embrace but it must have been a while because when he sat back up Jo was nowhere to be found. Kai didn't have to search for her, he knew Jo had disappeared silently to give him a moment with their mother. So now he sat down in her spot.

"Kai, can you promise me something?" Evelyn tiredly asked.

Kai shrugged. He didn't know if he was in any shape to make promised to his dying mother. Promises that he would have to keep up and that might one day come back and haunt him.

"When I'm gone," his mother continued. "I need you to stay strong against your father."

Kai was surprised to hear her say that and that surprise must have been visible because his mother elaborated further. "He is going to be hard on all of you, but especially you. He had always been harder on you then on any of the others and I have always urged him to reconsider what he thought was the best way of handling you, otherwise he might have been even more harsh on you. I know it might not seem that way to you but I did everything I could to protect you. I love your father, but I also know of his flaws and I am afraid that when I'm gone, he will act out his anger and sorrow on you. I won't be there to keep him from doing that, so I need you to be strong. I need you to promise me that, no matter what, you will always do what you think is right. Don't let your father influence you in any way. Tell him what you think, even if you are sure that he won't want to hear it. He needs to hear it. If you don't want to become his successor in the company… don't. You can be whatever you want to be, I made sure of that. Just have in mind that, even if he doesn't show it, your father cares deeply for you. I don't know why he chose to be so hard on you, he never told me, but after all he is your father. But that doesn't give him the right to control your every move. It's going to be a challenge but I need you to promise me that you will stay strong against him, always."

Kai looked at his mother for a long moment. They had never addressed the topic of his father's harshness towards him. Hearing his mother say these things right now, was confusing, but also encouraging. Kai wished she would have talked to him sooner. But what she said was right. His father did need to hear other opinions on several topics. Most of his siblings were too afraid to voice their true thoughts but Kai had always done it. He had nothing to lose with his father since he had always been the black sheep for him. So it wasn't too hard to promise his mother that he would continue to be the throne in his father's side.

"I promise." Kai said and Evelyn smiled. She raised her hand and cupped Kai's face.

"My beautiful boy. I love you so much."

"I love you too, mom." Kai said while he leaned into her touch.

Evelyn coughed once and then laughed a hollowly. "You know, I am really hoping that I am not going to be the only woman you ever tell that you love her. I was always hoping that one day you would bring home some cute girl from school and that you would be with her until your ways parted for college. A real first love, you know. And then you actually did bring this wonderful young lady home but only ever as a friend. Such a shame I have to say."

"Mom." Kai tried to interrupt her. He couldn't believe she was actually going THERE right now.

"What? I have nothing to lose, so I can be honest with you about this." Evelyn laughed silently and Kai smiled as well. He made a mental picture of this moment. "Bonnie is a wonderful girl and ever since I first saw you two together I was waiting for the day you would come home and tell me that you had taken it to the next level with her. There were a few times over the past year that I thought I might have been right, when you were practically inseparable over the summer, or before that, around spring time when you seemed more at ease then I have ever seen you. Oh, I know this is just wishful thinking but I always pictured you two as the perfect couple."

Kai's heart beat faster once his mother mentioned Bonnie's name. Ever since he was back from England, when she had run into his arms at the airport, it had been clear to him that something had changed, that his feelings for her had evolved. He had probably felt like that even longer but that moment had opened his eyes. Now that he had finally stopped fighting his feelings and started to accept that, maybe the change that Bonnie's and Kai's relationship would be undergoing if they actually took the next step wasn't a bad thing, but the complete opposite. Of course it was a risk, a risk for their friendship if it didn't play out the way they wanted it to, but so would ignoring the lingering feelings and tension between them. And now that his mother was practically encouraging him, even if she didn't know, to be brave and take what he wanted, he really considered doing it. If only the timing wasn't so off.

"Maybe it isn't wishful thinking after all." Kai confessed and his mother's eyes, that had been closed again, shut open once more. She watched her son with a mixture of curiosity, disbelieve and joy.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"Nothing, it's just… I… something might have changed between Bonnie and I." Kai stuttered, not really knowing how to explain the situation to his mother, but she seemed to understand just fine because a warm smile was spreading on her face.

"There is a god after all." She joked and Kai laughed, knowing fully well that his mother did not believe in any kind of spiritual force in the universe.

He shook his head. "Mom, you're exaggerating."

"No way, I'm not. You just don't get it. When your kid finally tells you that he realized he liked a special girl, something that the entire world already realized before him, you can judge me on my reaction but not right now, young man." She fake slanged him. He laughed before she continued. "No, seriously, I think this is great. Seems like you two still have a lot to figure out but I think it's worth it. But listen, you can't screw around with her. Bonnie is a really special girl."

Kai nodded. "I know."

The sound of the door opening behind him made Kai turn around. It was his father that stepped into the room. "Briana is with Mrs. Leister now and your mother called. She's headed here. I told her she should stay at the house a little longer and get some rest but she wouldn't listen to me, you know how she is." Joshua said in a soft tone, something Kai hadn't witnessed a lot until this point. Joshua stopped right by Kai's side and to Kai's utter surprise, he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Malachai, I think you should give your mother a little rest."

Evelyn smiled tiredly at him, barely awake now. Kai leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his mother's forehead. "Good night, mom."

"Good night, my darling." Evelyn's sleepy voice followed him when he left the room.

. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was 3:17 am when she checked the time. The constant buzzing of her phone that indicated an incoming call had awoken her form a rather uneasy sleep. For a second she was irritated and rather annoyed from the disturbance but once she saw the caller's ID everything that happened yesterday came back to her. Quickly, she picked up the call.

"Kai?" she said worried. The other end stayed silent for a while and she already thought that he might have already hung up when she heard him sigh.

"Bon, I'm sorry… I…I didn't mean to call you." His voice was hoarse and something painfully sad lay in his undertone and Bonnie instantly knew what this call was about.

"Kai, where are you?" She was wide away now, trying to figure out how to be of help.

"I… I'm not sure." Kai's voice was about to break. He sounded so confused and lost that she nearly jumped out of her bed to go find him.

"Describe your surroundings, maybe I can figure out where you are." Bonnie was already out of her bed and headed to her closed to find something more decent to wear outside than her pajama shorts.

"There are houses and an old well. I can see a kindergarten or something like that, with handprints all over the walls."

Bonnie looked up. She knew where he was. It was right around the corner. "Okay, just keep walking in the direction of the kindergarten and wait there for me. Don't go anywhere until I'm there." She hung up and quickly slipped into yoga pants. She sneaked downstairs and put on her coat before she grabbed her keys and rushed to the kindergarten two streets from her own. She could see him sitting on a huge stone before the kindergarten, his head buried in his hands. Bonnie's heart broke a little when she saw him like that. All about his composure screamed sadness and devastation. When she was only a few meters away he felt her approaching and looked in her direction. He stood up from the stone he had been sitting on and turned to her, his shoulder slouched, eyes dead. Bonnie rushed the last few paces towards him and swung her arms around his neck, holding him close. She felt his arms closing tight around her lower back as he buried his head into the side of her neck.

"She's gone." He whispered in a broken voice. A wave of grief overwhelmed Bonnie. She couldn't imagine how he must feel right now all she knew was that right here and now, she needed to be there for him.

"I'm so sorry." Bonnie whispered back and pressed him even tighter to her body, brushing one hand over the back of his head. They stood like this for a long time, neither of them saying anything. Only when the wind freshened Bonnie loosened herself form Kai just so much that she could look into his face. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Bonnie took Kai's hand and led him back to her house. He followed her like a lost puppy, totally not realizing where they were going and probably not even caring. When they reached Bonnie's house there was still no sign of recognition on Kai's face. He was completely lost in his grief and Bonnie didn't blame him, she was just happy that he had called her and that she could make sure that he wouldn't spent the entire night out on the streets.

Bonnie opened the front door and ushered Kai back into her room, careful not to make a sound so her mother wouldn't wake up. Once he was in her room, she told him to sit on her bed and went downstairs again to get some water. When she returned he was still sitting on her bed, staring into the far. Bonnie offered him a glass of water but he didn't seem to want it so she placed it on her nightstand before she placed herself next to him.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to wake you up. I just didn't know who else to call…" Kai finally said.

"Don't apologize. There is no need. Is there anything you need? Is there anything I can do?" Bonnie asked, brushing her hand through his hair. He turned to look at her.

"Don't leave me." Kai plainly said, the pain and fear clearly audible in his voice. Bonnie reached out to him and pressed him to herself. "I won't. I'm here." she promised before she placed a peck on his cheek and hugged him tight.

For minutes they sat like this, before Bonnie drew away. "Come on, you need some sleep." She helped Kai out of his hoodie, pants and shoes so that he would be more comfortable. Then she dragged him along to lie down in her bed. He did whatever she suggested without second guessing it. He must have been unbelievably tired.

Bonnie lay down in the bed and Kai followed her example, lying down on his stomach and placing of head on Bonnie's chest, his arms wrapped around her. Bonnie could inspect his face this way and she brushed over his hair in hopes that this would soothe him into sleep. He indeed closed his eyes but after a while he opened them again.

For a long time he just lay like this, eyes open, facing her room, saying nothing. Bonnie kept comforting him in hopes that his emotions would finally give him the rest that he so desperately needed. But even an hour later, Kai was still wide awake and it had gotten harder and harder for Bonnie to stay awake with him. Her eyes drifted shut every now and then but she always managed to reopen them, until at some point she didn't and she fell asleep with the weight of a grieving Kai on her chest and in her heart.

Author's note: I have to say, I am really sorry for putting my sweet Kai through so much pain but it was part of the story and I couldn't back down. At this point in the story it is really hard for me to keep me going. I really need a lot of time to finish the chapters because the topic of grief is not an easy one for me and I don't want these chapters to suck. I have to handle this story according to the characters but that means that I have to take my time writing these chapters. I have to say we won't go back to happy, fluffy stuff for at least some more chapters and that's why my updates might come in a little belated. Please, don't be mad. And I hope that the theme of the chapter wasn't too horrible. I am so glad you are still around to read my fic. A special thank to the guest reviewer that was very actively commenting on the chapters the last few weeks. You seemed to have caught up with this story pretty fast. Thanks for all your reviews. So, I hope to see you next chapter, bye bye.