Chapter Forty- Two: Grief
During the rest of the night, Bonnie woke up a few times only to find Kai wide away by her side. At some point he must have readjusted his position so he would lie next to her rather than on her. He was still close, his left hand entwined with Bonnie's, but now he was facing the ceiling and not her. It was around 7:00 am when she finally heard his even breathing and when she looked over, his eyes were shut. Bonnie turned on her side to watch him a little closer. Even in his sleep his pain was clearly visible. When he usually looked like an innocent kid while sleeping he now looked like an exhausted and wounded young man. Bonnie felt the urge to caress his cheek but she didn't want to risk him waking up. Kai already was a light sleeper usually and under these circumstances he might wake up from the slightest touch.
Still Bonnie crept a little closer, searching for the comfort of his closeness. Even though he was the one who lost someone, Bonnie felt a pinch in her heart as well. She had known Evelyn Parker and she had liked her very much. Her pain was probably nowhere close to the one Kai and his siblings must be feeling but still, having him close was comforting her on different levels. A few tears silently rolled down her cheeks before she fell back to sleep.
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The next time she woke up was about 9:30. She heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner downstairs and was wide awake within seconds. She carefully slipped out of bed, so that she wouldn't wake Kai up and then rushed downstairs. There she found the socket her mother had plugged the vacuum cleaner in and pulled it out. The sound slowly subsided and Bonnie walked into the living room, where her mother was wondering what happened to her vacuum. When Abby realized Bonnie's presence and her mine darkened.
"Bonnie? What the hell are you doing home? You're supposed to be in school right now. I hope you have a good explanation for this because the only one I will except is that you're sick but since you look perfectly fine I demand an answer!" The last four words came out as a yell and Bonnie rushed towards her mother and shushed her.
"Shhhh mom, be quiet. Kai is still sleeping."
Abby blinked in confusion. "Kai? Kai is here too? When did he get here?" Abby looked at her with suspicion.
"I picked him up in the middle of the night. I needed to make sure he was okay." Bonnie tried to explain. Her mother was still watching her with a look that told her Abby Bennett was reading something entire wrong into this situation so Bonnie sighed and added. "Kai's mom passed away last night."
The surprise and sympathy on Abby's face was visible within seconds when she took the news in. "Oh, good lord." Abby pressed a hand over her mouth, trying to regain control over the situation. Bonnie swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at her mother. Suddenly her mother was hugging her tight. Bonnie was glad for this hug and felt a huge amount of pressure falling off her shoulders. She started to cry, letting all the feelings out she had stored away last night to be strong for Kai. But within her mother's embrace it all came rushing to the surface.
Abby comforted her and Bonnie regained her composure. She stepped away from Abby a little, sniffing. She looked at her mother who was watching her with concern. "How is he doing?" she asked.
"Not good. He's overwhelmed by grief, understandably so. He seems lost. I have never seen him like this." Bonnie shook her head and sat down on the couch, her mother joined her shortly after. "He didn't fall asleep until 7:00 this morning, that's why I came down here. I just wanted him to have a few more hours of sleep." Bonnie explained further.
"Yeah, I get it." Abby padded Bonnie's back.
"Mom? What the hell am I going to do now?" Bonnie turned to watch her mother, hoping that she would have a good advice.
"Honey, there is no recipe or guidebook on how to behave in a situation like this. It all depends on how Kai will deal with all this. All you can do is be there for him, to talk to him, to listen to him or to just be there. It might seem like this is not enough, but trust me he will appreciate it."
It was not exactly what she had wanted to hear. She did hope for a to-do list that she could follow, but of course there wouldn't be one. Bonnie placed her head onto her mother's shoulder and stayed like this for a little while. But then she figured that there was no time to do nothing. Her priority had to be Kai, so she got upstairs, took a quick shower and silently went back into her room to get her phone. In all of last night's events she completely forgot to make sure someone knew where Kai was. If she guessed right, Kai didn't tell anyone where he would go and she could imagine Jo loosing it right now. She would just sneak into her room, get her phone and give her a quick call to tell her her brother was okay.
When she opened the door to her room and expected to find a still sleeping Kai in her bed, she was surprised when he was already sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, his head lowered.
"Hey, you were supposed to be fast asleep." Bonnie went over to his sitting form and sat down beside him. "How are you doing?" She placed her right hand over his and squeezed it lightly. Her question sounded dumb to her ears but what else would she say?
Kai shrugged. "Been better." Was his sparse answer while he still looked down on the floor. His overall dejection, but mostly his lack of words, really answered her question. He was feeling awful and Bonnie couldn't do anything about it even though she wanted to. She crept a little closer to him and placed her head on his shoulder like she had done with her mom just minutes ago. The gesture was supposed to show closeness but also give him enough space if he didn't want anyone close right now. He didn't pull away from it so Bonnie entwined her fingers with his.
"Is there anything I can do?" Bonnie asked silently. Kai turned his head in her direction and Bonnie lifted hers from his shoulder. Their faces were only inches apart but neither of them spent a second on second guessing their closeness.
"You're here, that's already enough." Kai told her which kind of broke her heart a little more. The way he seemed to rely on her being close warmed her from the inside but also held a heavy pressure on her heart. She couldn't screw this up, not for his sake. Kai lowered his head and pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. Bonnie wished she could give him some kind of relief, that she could create a situation where he didn't have to feel all these horrible emotions but there was no way. The only thing she could do was give him her undivided attention and to shower him with kindness and affection, to show him he was not alone and that there was someone who cared for him.
When her phone suddenly started ringing they both startled. Bonnie reached for it and instantly picked it up. "Jo, is everything okay?"
By the mention of his sister's name, Kai looked up and watched Bonnie intensely.
"Bonnie, do you know where he is?" Jo's voice seemed tired and worried, restless.
Bonnie looked directly at Kai while she answered. "Yeah, he is right here with me."
Bonnie could hear Jo's relieved exhale through the phone. "Thank god. I was worried sick. His phone is turned off and no one had a clue where he went off to last night."
"Don't worry, he is safe." Bonnie had wanted to say 'He is okay' but that would have been a lie. "Listen Jo, I want you to know how sorry I am." Bonnie added hesitantly.
There was a long break and Bonnie was sure that Jo was fighting with tears until she finally answered. "Thank you. Can you tell Kai that I really need him to come home? Grandma is kind of freaking out over here and I just can't deal with this all by myself."
"Of course, Jo. And if there is anything else I can do…"
"I'll let you know. But I guess you have your hands full of dealing with my brother but I appreciate it."
"Still, you know you can always call if you need anything." Bonnie insisted.
"I do, thank you. I'll see you, Bon."
"Bye." Bonnie hung up the phone and watched Kai, by the way he was watching her he had heard Jo's request. He probably knew she was right, that he should go home and deal with his family but his expression told a completely different story. The same reason that had him run away in the middle of the night, without thinking and telling anyone and ending up on her doorstep was the reason that made him look almost anxious in the prospect of returning home.
"Hey." Bonnie reached out her hand to cup his cheek. "It's okay."
"No, it's not. I know that I need to go but Bonnie-" He turned his head and looked at her directly. "I'm scared. I can't go back there, not after what happened." His face was pale and his eyes jumped from her eyes to the floor and back.
"It's okay to be afraid. I know this must be hard but Jo is right, you should be with your family now." She paused for a second as he breathed heavily. "But I won't let you do this alone. I'll go with you and I will only leave you when you tell me that you can handle it on your own, okay? You don't have to do this alone."
Kai nodded reluctantly and Bonnie was relieved. She would have never made him go home if he didn't want to, but she also knew that running away from his family in a situation like this would neither help him nor them. "Come on, let's get you something to eat first." Bonnie pulled Kai onto his feet and gently dragged him towards the door.
"I'm not really hungry." Kai said. That alone was indication enough for how bed he was feeling. Kai Parker was always hungry, him denying food wasn't a good sign.
"Well, I guess my mom won't let you leave before you haven't at least eaten half the things she probably already made for you." Bonnie said and when they got to the kitchen, Bonnie's statement proved to be right.
Abby was standing in the kitchen, cooking various types of breakfast. When she realized Bonnie and Kai had come downstairs, she stepped away from the stove and hugged Kai, delivering her condolences. She was even nicer to him than she usually was, which was nearly impossible and she even earned a half hearted smile from Kai that in no way seemed to be honest. But Abby didn't mind and urged the two to sit down until she placed two large plates full of various meals in front of them, telling them to not leave until the plates were empty.
Kai poked around in his portion and tried to eat a few forkful of scramble eggs but he didn't lie when he said he wasn't hungry. When her mother didn't watch, Bonnie ate some of his food so that her mother would be content. When her plate was empty and his was nearly halfway done, Abby allowed them to get ready to leave for the Parker house but not before Abby pulled Kai in for a hug once more.
"Whatever you need, I don't want you to wait a second to ask for it, you got that? You can come whenever you like to and you can stay as long as you like to, okay? We're here for you, dear." Abby placed a peck on Kai's forehead.
"Thank you." Kai said emotionless. Then he turned around to Bonnie who was smiling at him encouragingly.
"You ready to go?" she asked him and when he nodded she took his hand in hers and guided him outside towards her car. They got inside and drove over to Kai's house. Kai didn't say anything on the way over, just looking outside the passenger window. When Bonnie parked the car in the Parker driveway, Kai was chewing on his bottom lip. Bonnie got out of the car first and opened the passenger door, reaching out her hand for him to take. After a few seconds of hesitation he took it and stepped out of the car. They walked over to the front door of the house and Kai opened the door with his key.
The second they stepped inside the house, a heavy silence descends over them. A second later Bonnie could hear someone running in the hallway above and then Jo appeared on the tread of the stairs, looking down at them. Bonnie could see tears forming in her eyes, even from the distance. Kai looked up at his sister and for a moment the two just watched each other before Jo came running down the stairs and Kai went to meet her at the landing. Jo waved her hands around his neck and buried her head into the crook of his neck. Kai pressed his twin into his chest and caressed Jo's back in order to calm her crying down.
"Thank god you're here." Jo got out between sobs and for a long time the siblings just stood like this. Bonnie didn't want to interfere so she waited for them to break apart before she went over to Jo and gave her a hug as well, telling her how sorry she was in person.
After the heartfelt greeting, Kai looked around. "Where is everybody?"
"Granny is upstairs. Briana and the twins are still at Mrs. Leister's and Bellamy went outside with Joey. They said they needed to get some fresh air. I don't know exactly what Melinda is up to but last time I checked she was with Granny. And dad-"
Like on cue the door to Bonnie's left got opened and an exhausted looking Joshua Parker stepped outside his office. Bonnie had never seen this door being opened before and she only caught a glimpse of the inside of the room lying behind it, but that was not the most peculiar thing. It was Mr. Parker's expression. Bonnie hadn't expected to see the same relief on his face as on Jo's but the anger that was clearly visible in his eyes did surprise her.
"Where-the hell-have you been?" was Mr. Parker's cold greeting.
Kai reluctantly turned around to face his father. His gaze was lowered to ground and he opened his mouth to give his father an answer when he got cut short.
"What were you thinking?" Joshua nearly yelled. "You can't just disappear like this without telling anyone. First, you stay away from the hospital and only show up last minute and then you sneak away the first chance you get. In the middle of the night?" Joshua's voice rose menacingly as he stepped closer to Kai, whose gaze was still stuck to the floor. "You grandmother was out of her mind out of worry for you. Your siblings had needed you to be around them, to give them comfort but no- dear Mr. Parker only had his egoistic needs in mind. We are a family, Malachai, and in a situation like this family sticks together and by that I mean every single member. I will not accept this kind of behavior ever again, ARE WE CLEAR?" Joshua's voice was so hard and loud that it made Kai wince. He briefly closed his eyes before he raised his gaze to his father's and answered. "Yes, Sir."
Joshua breathed heavily through his nose and watched his son with raging eyes. Kai kept his gaze locked to his, swallowing hard. When Joshua audibly inhaled Bonnie mentally prepared for another verbal attack from the Parker patriarch and was ready to intervene this time, but what actually happened next didn't only surprise her but also Jo, who inhaled – shocked - when she saw what Joshua did.
Joshua Parker reached out and dragged Kai by the shoulder, not to hurt him like Bonnie first expected, but to lock him in a tight embrace. Kai seemed to be awestruck by his father's sudden affectionate gesture, his arms were pressed to his sides and his eyes were widened, as were Jo's who was standing a few feet away from the two. It was an odd scene, seeing Joshua Parker hugging Kai. Normally, a father hugging his son seemed to be as normal as it could be but with the two of them it was only unrealistic.
"Don't ever scare me like that again." Joshua said silently, his voice almost caring.
"I won't." was Kai's stiff response and as quick as the hug had begun it was already over. Now Joshua Parker turned to Bonnie.
"Miss Bennett, I am thankful that you have taken care of Malachai."
"You're welcome, Mr. Parker." Bonnie said and added. "I am very sorry for your loss."
"Thank you." Joshua quickly replied and turned back to his children. "When your grandmother is up again can you tell her to come see me? It's important."
"Sure, dad." Jo answered and with that Joshua had disappeared back into his office.
Kai was facing the closed door of his father's office for a few more seconds. It seemed that he had no idea what had just happened. Bonnie and Jo exchanged worried gazes. Kai had once told her that he couldn't remember the last time his father had showed him any kind of affection, let alone hugged him. He had also claimed that he gave a crap about it, but given his reaction right now, it seemed to Bonnie that his father's whiff of love unsettled him more than he wanted to admit.
Bonnie was about to step closer to him and retrieve him into the here and now when he turned around on his own and faced the two girls standing in front of him. There was no trace of any kind of daze to be found on his face but Bonnie knew better. He had hid away his feelings, like he did so many times before. His go-to-strategy when something bothered him.
"Look who finally found his way home." The English-accented voice of a woman sounded from above their head and the three teenagers turned to find the source of it. Bonnie saw an elderly woman, dressed in a black ladies's suit, with a yellow shirt as an accent underneath the blazer. Her skirt ended just over the knee, exposing incredibly sportive shanks for her age. Her grey hair was pulled back in a tight bun. Her outer appearance reminded Bonnie of an old, noble English woman, strict and conservative but something about her face and the way she warmly smiled down on the three kids, made her like the old lady instantly. There was no need to ask who this woman was. Even if Bonnie didn't know Kai's grandmother was in town, there was no denying the family resemblance. Evelyn Parker had been the pure image of her mother, only years younger.
The old lady slowly stepped downstairs and went straight for her grandson.
"Hey granny." Kai greeted her, only clarifying her identity for Bonnie.
"Hello son." Kai's grandmother took his face in both her hand and gave her grandson an intense look over before she drew him in for a hug and a few kisses on the cheek. "You disappeared on me last night. That was not exactly decent behavior, young man." The tone of her voice was playful, which lessened the impact of her exhorting words. It was clear as day that she didn't mean to be hard and judging but that this was their way of interacting. Even from the few moments she had seen this woman, Bonnie was sure that she had had a very important impact in Kai's life. It seemed like he inherited his spunk and fire from her side of the family.
"I'm sorry." Kai admitted and actually did seem like he was speaking the truth.
"Oh boy, I'm not judging. We all have to deal with what happened in our own ways." The woman, who had seemed pretty composed for a woman who had just lost her only daughter, suddenly turned thoughtful. The pain of losing her child clearly visibly on her face. But a second later she had regained her strength, she clearly only upheld it for her grandchildren's sake, and looked back at Kai. "How are you doing?"
Kai shrugged and swallowed visibly. He shook his head, avoiding his grandmother's gaze. She only cupped his cheek with her right hand and smiled at him. "It's going to get better one day." She assured him, then she turned her head in Bonnie's direction. "Speaking of better, why don't you introduce me to your lovely friend over here? I guess, it is about time I officially meet the infamous Bonnie Bennett, don't you think?" She let go of Kai and stepped over to where Bonnie was standing a few steps away, a bright and honest smile covering her face. She reached out her hand and Bonnie took it.
"Hello dear, my name is Dawn Abbott. It is very nice to meet you, Bonnie. My grandchildren have told me a lot about you. I wish we could have met under happier circumstances though."
"It is really nice meeting you, too. I am very sorry for your loss, ma'am."
"Thank you my dear."
"Gran, dad wanted to see you, he said it was important." Jo informed her grandmother, who, invisible to her grandchildren's view, rolled her eyes.
"Of course he did." She turned to watch them. "Why don't you make your old grandmother a cup of tea, while I will see what your charming begetter wants from me now."
Bonnie was surprised by Dawn's obvious antipathy towards Joshua. She didn't even try to hide it in front of his kids, on the other hand, they had probably known about that for a long time, because neither Jo nor Kai even blinked because of her comment. She turned to the office door, winked at Bonnie and entered without knocking, closing the door behind her. Mrs. Abbott's temperament left Bonnie a little speechless. She might be one of the most impressive females she ever encountered.
Jo headed towards the kitchen and Kai followed her shortly after, Bonnie in tow. She had promised to stick around as long as he needed her to and since he hadn't told her otherwise-. Kai excused himself for a while to take a shower and so Bonnie stuck with Jo, making sure her other Parker friend was alright.
Jo was a lot more open about her feelings then Kai. She told her how much the death of her mother pained her and cried in Bonnie's arms until Mrs. Abbott joined them in the kitchen. She didn't say anything but just sat next to Jo, caressing her cheek to comfort her and it seemed like it worked. It was probably the magical powers only a mother had, or in this case a grandmother. Bonnie once more had to admire the woman who was standing so strong in the wake of the tragedy even though she had all the reasons to fall apart. But she didn't, because she knew someone had to be there for her grandchildren and she also knew that their father wasn't going to be the one.
Over the course of the next half hour a few of the other Parker kids joined them. Melinda came into the kitchen settling down on her grandmother's lap. It was the first time Bonnie had ever seen the 12-year old resemble her age appropriately. The neighbor Mrs. Leister brought Briana and the twins back home and when Briana saw Bonnie she rushed towards her like she usually did, but with one big difference, the smiling face that usually greeted her was gone and it was replaced with tears. Bonnie dandled her on her lap until Kai rejoined them. The second he had sat down, Briana had jumped from her lap onto his and was now about to fall asleep.
Bellamy and Joey only stuck their head in for a few moments before they headed to their rooms. Dawn decided to take Briana to her room as well and to look after the twins. Melinda who seemed to be stuck to her grandmother followed after her, which left only Bonnie, Jo and Kai in the kitchen.
On a normal day they would be laughing and doing crazy things, but right now all they did was sit in silence. When Jo's phone rang (it was Jessica checking in on her), she went upstairs leaving Kai and Bonnie alone.
Bonnie watched him for a while. It seemed like he was lost in his thoughts. His gaze was stuck somewhere far away and it hold such depression. Because she couldn't bear looking at him like that, Bonnie moved closer to him and placed her hand over his on the table. That startled him and he looked at her. Bonnie smiled and moved her thumb over the back of his hand. There was a hint of emotion crossing over his features but it soon faded again, the grief taking over once more.
"Hey Bon, why don't you go home and rest? You've dealt with me for far too long already, I can't keep you occupied like that any longer." Kai suggested in a tired voice.
"Are you sure? You know I'll stay if you want me to, I don't mind. I just want to make sure you'll be okay." Bonnie said in a caring tone.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I actually want to try and get some sleep and therefore you don't have to stay. I'm sure you got better things to do." Kai tried a smile but as soon as he realized he couldn't hold it up for longer than a second the corner of his lips lowered again.
"Actually, your wellbeing is pretty high on my priority list. I'll only leave if you're really sure that I can."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Really, I think you need a timeout from me, guess I will bug you more often in the next few days."
"Please do." Bonnie said while she ran a hand through his hair. "I'll feel better if I can check upon you personally."
"Be sure, I will." Kai reached out for her and pulled her close to his chest. Bonnie instantly returned the hug, while he buried his face in her hair. Bonnie didn't feel good leaving him alone but it was time for him to deal with his family on his own, Bonnie knew. She just wanted him to know that whatever he needed and whenever he needed it he could always come to her. She told him as much on their way to the front door.
"I know, Bon. And I am thankful for that."
Bonnie's hand was already on the handle when she turned around once more and faced him. "Give Jo a hug from me, okay?"
Kai nodded while he looked down on the floor. If someone didn't know the context of the scene playing out right now, one could mistake Kai as being shy, the way he avoided her gaze and kept bobbing back and forth. It almost seemed cute. But the real reason behind his restrained was a much much darker and sadder one. Bonnie took a step towards him, closing the distance between them, and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Their faces were only inches away from each other when Bonnie ended the kiss. Kai looked into her eyes and the urge to give him a real kiss, like she had felt the moment she had found him by the lake yesterday, took over and she leaned in again, placing the softest of kisses onto his lips.
As soon that it had started it was already over. Bonnie stepped back a little and watched Kai, who didn't seem to be angry or unnerved from her little kiss just seconds ago. "Call me, text me. Anything." Bonnie urged once more when she turned around to the door.
"Promise." Kai said when Bonnie stepped onto the porch. He leaned onto the half opened door and watched her walk over to the stair.
"Goodbye, Kai."
"Bye, Bon."
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When Bonnie was gone, he walked up to his room. He was tired as fuck but when he told Bonnie earlier that he would try to get some sleep he had lied. He knew exactly that he had no chance of falling asleep right now but he had to say something, otherwise she would have never left him alone. She was an angle like that, only looking out for him, but Kai couldn't let her do that. She needed to take care of herself too.
After a few minutes alone in his room, Kai already regretted his decision to send Bonnie away. She gave him the feeling of safety back, which seemed to have gone lost yesterday. Her presence didn't make him feel good, that was not possible at the moment, but it made him feel less bad. Right now, the dead feeling inside him was winning over everything else and he could barely stand staying in this house.
Kai opened his door and went out in the hallway. He stopped in front of Jo's room and knocked twice, even though he didn't wait for her to allow him inside. He never did, she never cared.
Jo was lying in bed, eyes focused on the wall on the other side of her room. When she realized Kai's presence she stretched her head and then moved closer to the edge of the bed, giving him more room to join her. Kai threw back the blanket and cuddled into Jo's pillow. He turned to his side, facing Jo.
The twins looked at each other, neither saying anything. It was like old times, like when Jo would be afraid of the thunder and would sneak into Kai's room or when Kai had a bad encounter with his dad and Jo tried to comfort him when they were younger. Then Jo crept closer and hugged Kai. It was funny how he let everyone hug him nowadays. Guess the numbness inside made it more bearable for him. Maybe he even needed all that hugging because he always caught himself hugging back. Emotions were weird, Kai would probably never understand them fully.
Jo let go of him then and looked him in the eyes. She looked just as crappy as he felt. Her eye's held every trace of pain there was and the tears that Kai just couldn't manage to let out were now forming in Jo's eyes.
"Is Bonnie gone?" Jo asked with a shaky voice.
Kai nodded. "I sent her home. Poor thing is probably more exhausted then I am."
"Did you sleep at all last night?"
"Very little."
"Then try to at least take a nap." Jo suggested but Kai shook his head.
"I can't. I can't rest my thoughts. This house isn't helping either. It's like a constant pressure on my chest and there is nothing I can do to lift it."
"I know. It's hard. I can't sleep alone either." Jo sighed.
"Well, you're not alone." Kai said and once more a few tears rolled down Jo's cheek. Kai pulled her in for another hug and felt her relax. Within minutes Jo had fallen asleep. Her even breathing calmed Kai down a little. The presence of his twin was helping too. She didn't have the same effect as Bonnie did earlier, which was weird, but having the one person that had always been with him, his entire existence, be next to him, had something soothing. Kai closed his eyes, only to see flashes of his mother, and he quickly reopened them. He couldn't deal with this right now. So he kept staring at the wall behind Jo, keeping her safe in his arms, and hoping that somehow his mind would give in to his body's exhaustion and he would find a few minutes of rest.
Autor's note: Okay, I know the tone of this chapter is kind of heavy and I have to be honest with you it will take a while until it will get lighter again, since I will explore this whole grieving thing. One can't just get over the death of one's mother like this and that's why I will focus on Kai's journey for a while and how Bonnie will fit into all this. Hope you won't be too mad at me for leaving out the fluff and happiness but rest assured, we will get back to that eventually. Thanks for the amazing reviews for the last chapter, they really motivated me to get this one done faster than I thought was possible.