A/N: I do not own or profit from any of what Kazue Kato has created.
Each choice shapes the future.
Each choice is shaped by the human who makes it.
Each choice shapes the human who makes it.
He wasn't sure how he returned to his dorm room. He was vaguely aware that the door had been locked, so Saburota must be out.
Halfway across to his desk and bed, Shiro's feet slowed to a halt, sluggishly wondering what to do now. What to do now...? What did he... usually do…? It all seemed so alien, so far away… He was sure he must be doing something during his days. Just couldn't… recall right now. What he usually did. What he was supposed to do now.
The bed wasn't made, his brain registered dully. Instead of making it – had he been intending to make it? he wasn't sure – he sat down on the edge and… sat. Just sat, unseeing eyes roaming the surroundings for reason. For something to tell him what to do now.
For the longest time, he sat. When the buzzing vacuum in his head didn't tell him what to do, he lay down. Closing his eyes… Closing his eyes invited the intense, irrational hope that it had all been a dream.
That Kita hadn't revealed those things.
That his friends were still friends.
That Mephis-
The darkness burned under his eyelids, burned with liquid flames and sulphur salt. He was so cold, all of a sudden; he gathered the covers over his shivering body, feeling nausea rise in his gut as the world came back to him. All well-meant warnings he'd dismissed, all the people that had worried for him, and he'd truly believed that… that they had been friends…
He'd been so stupid. Too proud and too stupid to see what was really going on.
Lies.
And he'd believed him. He'd believed that lying, slithering bastard, led on like a dog on a fucking leash - had defended the asshole in Court, defended him before his friends, his real friends, and now-
The sound of wood smashing hard against wood woke him up. He wasn't even aware he'd gotten out of the bed; much less that he'd hurled his chair into Saburota's bookshelf. But it felt good.
It gushed up again, scalding heat that squeezed the air out of his ribcage; he kicked his school satchel across the room, pencils and notepads scattering like dead leaves over the floorboards. The cable flew out of its socket when he hurled the table lamp into the wall; books and papers thudded to the floor as he heaved the table over end; staples pitter-pattered silver rain as stationery was smashed out of the shelves by his hand.
It felt so good.
"Fucking snake!" The ceramic jar with spare pens shattered against the overturned table. "Double-crossing smooth-talking shit-brained bloody…!"
Screw words, they never did any damn good anyway: he lifted the upturned table by its legs and slammed it into the floor.
"I never left your fucking board!" Saburota's chair lost its backrest to the wall with a jarring crack. "I just didn't move the way you fucking wanted!"
One game piece missing from the table – so damn obvious! One game piece that could ensure no others had to be sacrificed – and had he cared?! Had he fucking cared that others would suffer for the choice he made? No, 'cause he'd thought it would be nameless, faceless sacrifices on the other side of the world! No need to care about those, right?! Not so difficult to sacrifice people you'll never meet and never know! Quite damn different when they turned out to be his own friends! Oh but he was always the idiot, wasn't he? Stupid fucking idiot-Shiro had seen firsthand what Mephisto was capable of at the Futotsuki meeting, and still he hadn't had brain enough to get what he meant when he spoke of chess and sacrifices! Thought he was so fucking special, did he?! Thought he had a hand with demons and could be friends with them?!
"But you do, puppet-boy", hissed a voice like susurrus scarab wings.
Water, cool and soft, licked soothingly around his calves. At the black horizon, a bristling sun peeked over the rim. There were frogs on the muddy banks, thrumming an unsteady rhythm for the crickets' solo serenade. Grains of rice rustled shyly in their sheaths, poking his legs as they swayed together in drunken laughter; two roaring lunatics without a care in the world. The future was theirs, full of twinkling promises as the bony ribcage trembled joyously under his hands, so impossibly warm in the chilly dawn. He was always warm, as if the sun breathed in his veins; always warm, always laughing, always-
"The best friend you ever had?"
Lies. Lies that were snatched away, torn out of his chest with roots of barbed wire twined around his ribs.
"Kekekeke awww, how sweet~" the demon cooed, rummaging around in his reeling mind for more. "So many sweet memories turned bitter~"
Humanity was packing up for the night, under the red glow of the market lanterns strung over the square. The plastic chairs were just as ugly, the table just as rickety under the bowls of noodle soup, Mephisto's face just as hilarious when he spat out the broth: and he grinned, he beamed, and Shiro felt the same warmth spread in his remembered body. He looked so happy… they had been so happy…
"No wonder, when his plans were going so well~"
The warmth grew acid hooks, and shredded his flesh as truth robbed him of the illusion once more. Shiro felt the floor hit his knees somewhere outside the darkness, tried to home in on that sensation; tried to ignore the peaceful oblivion that beckoned for his consciousness.
Blinding light, sizzling in the air as it etched shadows into his retina. The laughter bubbled up within (no, it was a lie, it was just a memory; it wasn't real, none of it was real) and out of his mouth, and the feeling of weightless happiness flooded him as fireworks shot up over their ridiculous shoujo manga date on Hyakki Yagyou. He could feel the vague burn of Devil's Tongue in his mouth, the lone geta that dangled on his foot; the smile tugging his lips when Mephisto called him Cinderella. (no, please, don't…!)
"The best birthday of your life, was it~? Of course it was." Oh god, just let it stop – the lies, the shame, just make it stop! Forget him, forget it all, sink into the sweet embrace of darkness! "Forget? No no no: you wanted to remember~"
Light headache churned behind his eyes, but his feet wouldn't stop. Not this day. Gravel scuttled off in flurries of dry dust as he crossed the courtyard, sprayed temporarily by the bliss drops from the fountain. (no… please, please…!) And he fingered the dice in his pocket, so unsure of how to hand them over; so nervous that Mephisto wouldn't approve, wouldn't accept them, wouldn't recognise their bond as friendship. (it wasn't real, he knew it wasn't, and still it- no, god, please…!)
Run, hide, curl up, anything but-
"If you're gonna have something to remember me by, this is way better than a haircut."
Lies…
"He won't remember you~" it giggled madly, feasting in delight on shame and sharp betrayal. "He had thousands of puppets before you; do you think he cared about them? Even that body he wears", it cooed intimately from the deepening shadows, "is just a puppet. He took everything from him: body, soul, love… and he made you trace those footsteps like a good dog~"
He didn't care if it was truth or lie. He didn't care… didn't care about anything anymore…
Just let oblivion in… and drown in darkness…
It's in desperate situations that an exorcist has ta show 'is true strength. If 'e fails ta do that, he'll be defeated: not through magic, not through claws, but through 'is own heart.
Why now…? Why now, when he'd decided to surrender, did those words have to drift into mind…? He had already been defeated, already fallen for the bait, already-
"I was gonna… make things right…"
No. No, he would make things right. He owed her that. Even if it was the single good thing he could do, he would do it. He would bring Kasumi's smile back.
"I'm gonna make things right."
So thin, the ray of light offered by that thought; a sigh in a smothering maelstrom of darkness. And still, one ray of light is all it takes.
Make things right. Give her back that smile he loved. See to it that no others had to play a game they didn't choose.
One single guiding star is enough to navigate the darkest of nights, for it's in the depths of despair that humans find their true strength.
Beaten down and crumpled up, he woke; gathered his mind, murmured the verses that would expel the demon. It left him with a disembodied shriek, left him alone in the shards and shreds of his existence. Broken furniture, broken jars, broken... and alone. Alone, because Samael wanted it so. Easier to manoeuvre him that way. Easier to-
It's such a bad habit you humans have, blaming your faults on demons.
…he'd chosen Samael, that fateful day in Deep Keep. He'd chosen to be friends with a demon, against all warnings. He'd chosen to listen to a demon's words, knowing full well that he shouldn't.
Who was to blame, in the end…?
"Fucking idiot…" Swallow the tears. Swallow the sobs. Swallow past aching throats and twisting daggers, back into the prison in his chest. Couldn't afford slipping up. It felt good, surrendering care and control to emotion, but he couldn't afford that. "If I hadn't been such a fucking idiot…"
Couldn't afford to let things out, couldn't afford to let them in.
Couldn't afford to cry.
Each choice shapes the future.
Each choice is shaped by the human who makes it.
Each choice shapes the human who makes it.
…when there is a choice to make.
There are always different paths to walk: but no matter the branching roads choice paves, no matter the mirage forks the future mocks with, one may find that they all, in the end, converge at one single destination.
A/N:
There's many reasons I wanted to send Shiro off to Rome as an exchange student: none of them relating to canon. x') I have one thing, though – one very vague thing – that I could claim suggests that Shiro did spend time abroad in canon. Namely, he doesn't beckon people to come closer the way the Japanese do.
Recall that cute scene where Shiro ties Rin's tie? He beckons him closer the Western way: palm up and wagging his fingers towards himself. In Japan, the normal way of beckoning someone to come near/follow is the one we'd usually interpret as "good bye" or "stay put": palm down, and wagging with straight fingers.
That's probably the weirdest bloody connection one can make ("A-hah, he uses Western gestures – he must have been in Rome!"), but, well, I needed him in Rome anyway.
YOU ITALIANS: Yes, that means you. I know you're reading. =w= And now I'm asking you for help. There's very little left of my knowledge of Italian, so what I'm looking for is frankly someone who is fluent in the language. It's not as scary as it may sound. ^_^ I just need someone who's able and willing to translate snippets for me here and there, the way I've asked Zeitdieb to do with German.
Dear Dare mo
1. Who says there's only one reason~? ;P
2. Ooh, quite observant, quite observant! 0w0 More than "quite", actually – I doubted anyone would make that connection. Technically, TEotB is set in the time between Faust and AnE: and the scene around the contract is, indeed, meant to be reminiscent of the scene where Faust realises what he's done to Gretchen. The line "It's such a bad habit you humans have, blaming your faults on demons" is a discreet shout-out to the fact that Mephisto has been "unjustly" blamed before, when he defended himself with "Who was it that plunged her into ruin? I, or thou?"
3. The first-ever crossover between AnE and Totally Spies just flashed through my brain. x'D No, there won't be any spy stuff (sadly). I will probably make references to it, though: I know just the character (in Rome) who would make such a comment. ;)
ch 108: Heheeeh… As Mephisto says: "Postponing the excitement for later is simply for your own good." ;) His plans will unfold in time.
Dear EiseiNoMuzai2
Yeah, you caught me. x) I do like to work deception in plain sight, and see how well I can manipulate my readers. It's the only trait I have in common with Mephisto, but I'm just as addicted to it as he is. x'P Pardon your author: some temptations I simply can't resist…
And thank you – really, thank you. Being mentioned in the company of Rothfuss is… ah, words. Sometimes, the ones you need truly don't exist. ^_^'